WWYD ? DS possibly making up stories (UPDATE #2)

[pandora174]

Need some advice here. DS 8 Friday came home from school & told DH & I that he had left his pizza $ and some snacks in his desk. Afterwards the class went to PE. When he came back for lunch time to get his $ & snacks they were gone & a workbook was ripped. DS told me he told his teacher & a friend shared her lunch & the teacher told him she would conduct an investigation. DH & I asked him very detailed questions & DS was very clear in his story. We told him we were sorry this happened to him & the school would take care of it & we would follow up.

I was a little confused when I did not hear about this from his teacher at pick up time on Friday afternoon or receive an e-mail that this incident occured. I sent her a polite e-mail Friday afternoon asking what happened.

This morning DH drops off DS. DS tells Dh not to say anything to the teacher that she is handling everything. DH still asks teacher what happened on Friday. Well the teacher said she knew nothing about the incident . There really wasn't a lot of time to talk & said she would get to the bottom of it & let us know by this afternoon.

Now I am wondering if DS came up with a tall tale DS never has been one for tall tales before & nothing to the extent of the detail of this. He was very detailed with time, place, items taken, when it happened, who shared their lunch etc.

Right now he's punished for some back talk that's unrelated to this so not sure how to handle it if in fact it is a tall tale ? I hate doubting DS & I guess I rather it be a tall tale than someone stole from him. He does not think in anyway that I doubted his story just that we wanted to make sure he was safe. But if he lied well then.... Will update when I hear from the teacher.

 

[Magpie]

Hm... any chance he spent the money on something else? And he doesn't want you to know?

Your ds telling his dad "not to talk to the teacher" would definitely set off my alarm bells.

However, I will say, this is just about the right age for it. Kids do things they know they shouldn't. Then they make up stories about it. They lie. The trick is to catch them at it, and then... mock them severely. Well okay, humiliation isn't everyone's choice of child discipline, but actually it worked pretty well with my kids. They were such bad liars!

Your son's character is still developing. If it comes out that he did lie (and the teacher didn't just forget), make sure to point out that he had other options, that don't involve lying. Also, don't back him into a corner and force him to defend his lie to the death, while you try to extract a confession from him. No one wins when that happens. Just find out the truth, tell him you know the truth, apply whatever consequences seem appropriate, and don't let him argue with you.

 

[happygirl]

I would try to get him open up to you about what happened, maybe a bully took the money and he's embarassed about it.

 

[smb6]

Could it be that someone really stole from him but he didn't tell the teacher? My older boys never hardly want to tell as they don't want to be called tattle tales or worse.... They have had stuff happen to them and not tell... A kid brought a knife to school and showed my ds. He didn't tell. The kid ended up getting caught. When my ds was asked why he didn't tell he just shrugged and said IDK. Either way it sounds like he lied to you; either it didn't happen at all or at the very least he lied about having told the teacher...

 

[kwelch10377]

I am thinking that he is telling the truth about someone stealing from him. If I had to guess he wanted to tell you, but doesn't want to the teacher to know since other kids I'm sure will find out and he may be embarassed by it or doesn't want to be known as a tattletail.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Until I squared things with the teacher I would not make any assumptions.

 

[shortbun]

I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe there was a bake sale and he spent the money on that. Some kids live fantasy lives and share. Easy does it. My dad told me a joke once where the word 'fantastic' was the same as 'BS'. Long joke, not worth telling but ...when kids on my bus told me wild stories, I'd just say "FANtastic!!!" and they'd walk away smiling and I'd have totally called them on it without doing it. It's just not worth getting worked up over.

 

[pandora174]

Well the teacher e-mailed me. She said that the pizza $ is picked up by her every Friday. She was more concerned that I thought DS went hungry. She coul not recall if she picked up his $ but did ask the girls he sat with if DS ate pizza, which they advised he did. I didn't say he didn't eat only that someone shared with him.

She did say they did go to 3rd grade & with pretend $ buy snacks as part of a fun activity. But she can't say what happened with what he purchased. He did not come home with the snacks & they were not allowed to eat them in class but put them in their bookbag. I checked his bookpack & there were no snacks.

She said she took him privately to speak & he first said he couldn't remember & then she said she got stern & he said it was just a story he told to his dad

She asked me to speak to DS about telling tall tales. I e-mailed her back with the details that DS provided & asked to check his workbook which he stated was ripped. If it is tall tales then I told her I would speak with him when I got home but to please check if the pizza he ate was bought (he would get 2 slices, chips & a gatorde) then I know she did collect his pizza $ or a juice box & a slice of pizza from a classmate & gave her the girl's name.

Oh my.. now I can tell the teacher is on the defensive

 

[Hannathy]

I think he either didn't tell the teacher for a lot of reasons from just forgetting to she said I'm busy catch me in a minute and he forgot, to he was proud he solved it on his own, to they had been told to quit tattling about everything, to he was afraid his book was torn and he would get in trouble. he is 8.


There is also the possibility he knows who took it and he doesn't want to get them in trouble.

Or he lost the money on the way to school and doesn't want to tell you that.


I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If he is lying his guilt will punish him enough. I would just talk about telling the teacher when there is a problem that that is why there are adults there and they need to know about a problem to help. how bad stealing is, etc. How sad it is that one of his classmates could steal. and too bad he didn't get his pizza.


.

I would also say it was good he knew to share a lunch and solve the problem and how nice his friend was, but next time the school needs to know because they could have let him charge a lunch etc.





I typed this and then was on the phone and posted before I read the up date. I still wouldn't make too big of a deal seems like there are a lot of conflicts with all the versions! I would simply say this is over BUT from now on no stories if it is a story and if there is a problem HE has to make sure the teacher is aware of it when it is happening.

 

[sparks19]

Oh that's too bad that the teacher has some hard feelings about it.

I would send her an email back and ask if she's noticed any bullying or anything. the FIRST thing I thought was someone might be stealing his money under the threat of violence and he's too embarassed or scared to tell anyone.

but I would definitely talk to him when he gets home and see if you can't get the real story out of him.

 

[ccgirl]

I think he either didn't tell the teacher for a lot of reasons from just forgetting to she said I'm busy catch me in a minute and he forgot, to he was proud he solved it on his own, to they had been told to quit tattling about everything, to he was afraid his book was torn and he would get in trouble. he is 8.


There is also the possibility he knows who took it and he doesn't want to get them in trouble.

Or he lost the money on the way to school and doesn't want to tell you that.


I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If he is lying his guilt will punish him enough. I would just talk about telling the teacher when there is a problem that that is why there are adults there and they need to know about a problem to help. how bad stealing is, etc. How sad it is that one of his classmates could steal. and too bad he didn't get his pizza.


.

I would also say it was good he knew to share a lunch and solve the problem and how nice his friend was, but next time the school needs to know because they could have let him charge a lunch etc.





I typed this and then was on the phone and posted before I read the up date. I still wouldn't make too big of a deal seems like there are a lot of conflicts with all the versions! I would simply say this is over BUT from now on no stories if it is a story and if there is a problem HE has to make sure the teacher is aware of it when it is happening.

I don't want to come across as harsh but I feel an 8 year old not telling the truth is not a tall tale but a lie. As far as the teacher's feelings and an email I would stop the emails. It is easy to misunderstand someone, or not come across as you intended, with email. I would request a meeting to meet face to face. Perhaps she thinks you are accusing her of something? My DD8 tried the lie thing once, she was caught and punished. I'm sure she will try it again. Children are always testing our boundaries.

The story your son said may be true as well. He may have told the teacher that just to get her off his back?

In either case, I would do a face to face meeting to get to the bottom of it.

Good luck.

 

[golfgal]

Sounds pretty typical for the age. If a parent says their kids haven't lied, they just haven't caught them. Either he lost the money, spent it or "gave" it to someone. It all comes down to asking questions in the right way--but that is the what is hard about this. Walk him through his day step by step and question any inconsistency. Flat out ask him if he lost the money, etc.

Kids have pretty good imaginations which also work for making up stories to think they are going to stay out of trouble. .

At this age we told our kids that if they told the truth, even for "bad" things, they would not get into trouble for what they did, however if we caught them lying, they would get into twice as much trouble-it seemed to work pretty well.

 

[Arielle22]

To me it didn't sound as if the teacher was getting defensive. She told you she didn't remember exact details but that she spoke to your son. She asked that you speak to your son about tall tales.

You have replied you would like her to speak to his classmate who shared with me. All in all that sounds exactly like how I would expect a conversation to go.

What part was defensive and what would she have to feel defensive about?

 

[pandora174]

To me it didn't sound as if the teacher was getting defensive. She told you she didn't remember exact details but that she spoke to your son. She asked that you speak to your son about tall tales.

You have replied you would like her to speak to his classmate who shared with me. All in all that sounds exactly like how I would expect a conversation to go.

What part was defensive and what would she have to feel defensive about?

When she stated "I would never let a child go hungry in my classroom". I let her know that thought never crossed my mind because DS told me a classmate shared.

 

[Arielle22]

Perhaps she was trying to assure you that if she noticed your son not eating that she would have gotten him food.

Tone and intent can be difficult to assertain in an email.

 

[pandora174]

Perhaps she was trying to assure you that if she noticed your son not eating that she would have gotten him food.

Tone and intent can be difficult to assertain in an email.

I agree but we can only e-mail the teachers if there is a concern. Otherwise it's a big hassle. My DH briefly asked today what happened & specifically told her that he was aware that we had to e-mail any issues first before speaking to the teacher. She advised it was ok but just had 5 minutes.

School rules, all concerns must be done via e-mail or make an appointment for a telephone conference at the teacher's convenience. If the issue can not be resolved then a conference will be set up between the hours of 3 to 4 pm again at the teacher's convenience. So trust me e-mail is the way to go since there are so many hoops to jump through.

 

[pandora174]

Just received another e-mail from the teacher. She said that she thinks DS came up with this "story" becuase in speaking to his speech therapist who has encouraged him to use his imagination. His latest 2 stories with her where about a man who had a tacky shirt stolen and another about a candy thief. The therapist would give an idea & ask him to write a story.

His teacher thinks he just is getting confused between reality & coming up with stories for school & didn't think we would take it seriously Now I'm confused She suggested I drop it, that she spoke with DS & tomorrow so will his therapist about real & not real. She apologized repeatedly

 

[ccgirl]

Just received another e-mail from the teacher. She said that she thinks DS came up with this "story" becuase in speaking to his speech therapist who has encouraged him to use his imagination. His latest 2 stories with her where about a man who had a tacky shirt stolen and another about a candy thief. The therapist would give an idea & ask him to write a story.

His teacher thinks he just is getting confused between reality & coming up with stories for school & didn't think we would take it seriously Now I'm confused She suggested I drop it, that she spoke with DS & tomorrow so will his therapist about real & not real. She apologized repeatedly

Oh my...confusing situation. I guess my "beef" would be not that he made up the story but that when he was asked if that really happened he lied straight to your face. In my opinion, unless there is another reason that he is unable to distinguish between real and made up, I would punish for the lie.

 

[Keli]

You know, I'm very firm that parents need to teach their children to tell the truth and that it's wrong to lie and should punish their children when they lie.
Having said that, this does sound like possibly your son was a little confused by the idea of telling a story and didn't quite understand where the boundaries are with that. Personally I'd talk to him myself about making up stories for school and how that is different from telling stories to people that they will believe that aren't true. But I wouldn't punish him for this, I'd just chalk it up to a little guy learning the difference between a truth and lie.

 

[Rora]

I'll admit I use to use the "oh, don't say anything about it to Mrs. ______" on my parents quite often and it was typically because I was lying.

Just my experience. I haven't read any other posts nor am I accusing your DS of anything. Hope you get this figured out!