WTH?!? Not a call I was expecting...

[Jennasis]

My mom called me before to "just say hi". About 5 minutes into the conversation I could tell she was dancing around the REAL reason she had called. Then came a pause in the chit-chat...and mom then pipes up "Soooooo, guess who I got a call from?"

Ho boy. That is always a question I dread. Because the answer is never "Ed McMahon and he said I won 10 million dollars" or anything remotely good. Suddenly my palms go sweaty and my throat turns into the Gobi desert. In my heart I know the answer, but I immediately begin the "Hail Mary", hoping I can WILL the answer to be anything other than: "Roy!"

I actually SNORTED! "What the hell?!?!"

"Roy" (not his real name) is my ex-husband. I have not seen nor spoken to Roy or anyone remotely associated with him in over 7 years. The last time I spoke to Roy, he threatened to shoot me dead for leaving him...the last time I saw him was at the court hearing for the order of protection I was seeking (and awarded). Just to keep you in the loop, I dated Roy for almost 5 years and was married to him for only 7, hellish months during which he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

My immediate first question to Mom was "You didn't tell him where I moved to or who I married did you??" I didn't want him to be able to track me down with my unusual new last name (and he did know my current husband and always hated him). But I know that he is aware at least of which state I now reside in and what I do for a living (it's a lifelong dream I am fulfilling), because his mom used to stop by MY mom's place of work to chat...and my mom told her

My mom said he called to tell her that he was engaged to a girl and they were moving to Mesa, AZ and he just wanted to let them all know that he was ok and had moved on and wasn't mad at me and was happy that I was married and happy and following my dreams blah blah blah. My first thought is that he's 12-stepping now and is going through the "make restitution to all you've wronged" step.

My other thought was that after 7 years, NOW he's going postal and was fishing for info on me. so he can track me down and do something terrible.

My next thought was "what a tool". Has it really taken him SEVEN years to get over me? Seriously?? I mean, I'm pretty awesome, but REALLY?? Well BULLY for him.

So I'm annoyed, worried, amused and confused all at the same time. What nonsense. I will NOT give him any power over me as far as making me fearful. I'll be vigilant, and proactive, but I don't "do" afraid. I asked my sister (who was in the room when my Mom was on the phone with him) if she said anything that might have angered him or given him more info about me and she said no.

I mean seriously...What the fuzzy heck??

 

[famofsix]

Gosh...and Wow. You must have been shocked to even hear about him again. I wonder why your mom told you she heard from him anyway. She should have told him you married a guy that carries a gun...and left it at that.

Take a deep breath and keep your mind away from the postal idea. Hopefully your number is unlisted and you won't get any calls.

 

[Saphire]

My mom said he called to tell her that he was engaged to a girl and they were moving to Mesa, AZ and he just wanted to let them all know that he was ok and had moved on and wasn't mad at me and was happy that I was married and happy and following my dreams blah blah blah. My first thought is that he's 12-stepping now and is going through the "make restitution to all you've wronged" step.

Well, I would hope that is why he called. Making restitution is a good thing, and perhaps he was just trying to close that chapter of his life before he starts his new life. I think you should try and be happy for him, and then let it go.

 

[DISUNC]

My other thought was that after 7 years, NOW he's going postal and was fishing for info on me. so he can track me down and do something terrible.

WHY did your mom talk to him at all?????

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

WOW, dont'cha hate parents sometimes, they give out a little too much info. Hope everything goes well for you & he stays a thing of the past!

 

[Amlee]

After 7 years he is calling your mother to say he is over you? Just to be on the safe side, I would report this to your local police. Pull out the protection order and show it to the police. That way they have the past history of this and there is a file about his recent contact.

It might turn out to be nothing, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

[Jennasis]

He didn't have any substance issues (that I know of), but his bizarre and hateful behavior towards me could very well have been the product of drugs/alcohol, which is why I thought of a 12-step program. It was the only reason I could come up with that wasn't underhanded or had an alterior motive. He did, I believe, actually say something about closing that chapter of his life. But I am so incredibly shocked that he felt the need to at all...especially SEVEN years later. Has he been hanging on to it that long? Maybe it was at the suggestion of a psychologist or his new fiance...you know...maybe he's worried he'll ruin that marriage too and his fiance told him to call and close that part of his life off???

 

[SwedishMeatball]

What the fuzzy heck is right. I would be annoyed if an ex called my Mom to unload, clear up or whatever you want to call it after all this time. It sounds like he thought he was doing you guys some sort of favor by sharing the news, but I just think it's sort of presumptuous on his part. I hope it doesn't upset you too much and you can quickly file thoughts of him away again.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't know why my Mom spoke to him at all. I guess she thought she was being kind. And frankly, if he did need to set things right with the universe, it should have been ME he called (though I would then be wondering how he found my phone number since everything is in my DH's name).

 

[Amlee]

My real father is bad to do this. He also sounds alot like your exBF. He will call my grandmother and phish for information on my brother, my nephew and myself. He is under court order not to contact any of us. He will do it ever few years. I know he is just looking for information and it always leads to bigger encounters with him. The last time ended with the police contacting him. Like I said to be on the safe side. Let the local police know about this.

 

[PeterPanette]

Wow, Jennasis. I can see how that would shake you up a little. But don't let fear get a hold on you. Just smile and wish him well in your mind as you picture his taillights heading out west.

But, I know exactly how you feel. I never talk about this to anyone - so this is only between you and me. Haha! Back a long, long, time ago, I was a dainty little child bride (18) to a military man. He was extremely abusive, angry and violent. I won't go into details.

The similarities with your story are striking; I was married to him about 7 months before I escaped. And then, about 7 years later, his mother called a relative of mine asking where I could be found. The relative refused to tell her, thank heavens. My ex-mil (who was a very decent woman) said she understood, but her son was about to get re-married to a Catholic girl, and the priest wanted to speak with me before he would agree to marry them! I told my relative, "Well, he better be glad that I won't talk to that priest, because if I did, he'd be performing an exorcism instead of a marriage ceremony!"

I held on to a lot of fear, loathing and resentment about this guy for too many years. I've now released all of it, and feel so much better! In fact, if I knew where he was today, I'd send him a thank you card for being such a great teacher in my life! He taught me that I'd never take any crap off of a man again as long as I live. He taught me the depressing consequences of settling for second best. He taught me how to discover just how powerful I really am.

Live your dream. Let him live whatever his is. And send him a thank you card.

 

[miss missy]

It sounds odd to me that he would call and state the moving on part. Like who knew he hadn't moved on but himself??? Weird for sure. I wouldn't let it get to me, but I would do what your doing and keep smart. People are just strange huh!

 

[pfishgirl]

So.. umm.. Yea... Donch' Just Hate That ?!!?
My Mom does/did the same Exact thing

I went through similar things with my Ex Husband too, with all the abuse (Mental/Physical/Emotional) and I still have a restraining order on him as well.

Funny thing, Last year He moved to AZ as well and would you believe after 7 Years after our divorce??..
Is that were ALL disturbed men go?
(Please No Offense to "normal" AZ residents!! No Flaming Needed)


Best Wishes that it IS just something simple as a closed chapter on life and a I'm moving on so don't be scared Kinda thing..

 

[Jennasis]

Thanks guys. I am always surprised and even a little relieved that there are people out there who know exactly what I am going thorugh (cause my Mom, bless her heart, does not seem to). I called my mom last night after I posted. It was almost midnight, DH isout of town on business and I couldn't sleep. When I brought this up to her she actually said "You SEE?? This is why I didn't even want to tell you he called!"

As if I'M the one out of order. SIGH. I just told her that I had already closed off that chapter of my life (the day I walked out the door) and I truly feel uncomfortable with her speaking to my ex-in laws and telling them stuff about me and I certainly feel uncomfortable with my ex speaking to her. She tried to play off the whole call he made as innocent (and maybe it is) but since I'm the one who endured his torment and abuse,...well, you get the idea.

I'd say "Oh well, it's over now, he's gone" but I THOUGHT it was over 7 years ago and would never in my wildest dreams have imagined that he he would contact my family again. So who knows if we've heard the last of him.

Let it be known though I do have the means to protect myself if I had to.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Wow, that is just crazy. I would have been so angry at my mom if she would have given out my info in a situation like that. Hopefully he has truly moved on!!

 

[java]

UGH! I would be so upset with my mother. And that is totally something she would do too(if I was divorced that is..she likes my dh more than me anyway) Does your mother know you have an order of protection against him? I really can't imagine the thought process to even speak to someone if my daughter had an protective order against him. Just the fact that he was calling your mother- 12 step or not- is wierd. And any 12 stepper I have come across has always said " I am on step x and am making restitution." Not "I am closing a chapter in my life" And no way would that have come from a new fiance-
Hon go call your ex wife and tell her that you are over her....
I can't see that happening. I would make sure you are unlisted and talk to the police just in case.

 

[Jennasis]

The order of protection expired years ago. It was only good for one year, and I did not renew it when it expired (suffice to say I thought it was over). In fact...Just AFTER the order of protection expired I get a call from the Sufflok County (Long Island) police department doing a reference/background check on him because he applied for a handgun permit!!!! I nearly choked! I told the officer that I had taken an order of protection out on him because he threatened TO SHOOT ME, to which the officer replied "yeah, but the order has expired right?" yes but..."as long as there is no pending or current order, he's fine" he tells me. I also had to tell him that my husband claimed to have "blackouts" during which he had zero recollection of where he had been or done. Ex had told me this when I demanded to know where he had been all night. The officer said "Is he under a doctors care or on any medication for it?" not that I know of. "it's not a problem then."

Ummm dude, give me your name and badge number so if I turn up DEAD, my family knows who to sue.

Can you believe that?

 

[Poohbear123]

The order of protection expired years ago. It was only good for one year, and I did not renew it when it expired (suffice to say I thought it was over). In fact...Just AFTER the order of protection expired I get a call from the Sufflok County (Long Island) police department doing a reference/background check on him because he applied for a handgun permit!!!! I nearly choked! I told the officer that I had taken an order of protection out on him because he threatened TO SHOOT ME, to which the officer replied "yeah, but the order has expired right?" yes but..."as long as there is no pending or current order, he's fine" he tells me. I also had to tell him that my husband claimed to have "blackouts" during which he had zero recollection of where he had been or done. Ex had told me this when I demanded to know where he had been all night. The officer said "Is he under a doctors care or on any medication for it?" not that I know of. "it's not a problem then."

Ummm dude, give me your name and badge number so if I turn up DEAD, my family knows who to sue.

Can you believe that?

YES I DO! When I had my "order of Protection" eons ago for my X the cops said "unless he actually does BODILY HARM to you, there is nothing we can do about him driving past your Apt. and waving a gun out the window of his truck." OK, thanks....best of Luck to you, hope nothing comes of this, and I hope your Mom doesn't speak to him again.

 

[Alison Wonderland]

This is just to let you know that I had an ex like yours and he threatened me with death many times, so I know exactly how you feel and exactly how creepy you are feeling to know that he was calling your family. I have found that sometimes people cannot understand why it would bother you because they have not experienced it. (like your mom)

 

[Cool-Beans]

...and wasn't mad at me...

So, the guy who beat you up and threatened to kill you called your mother - after SEVEN years - to say he wasn't mad at you? Big of him.

And to let everyone know that he has moved on? What sane person wouldn't assume someone had moved on? What could possibly make him think you'd be thinking he he hadn't?! Wait, I know. He's still a fruit loop. Heaven help the woman he's marrying (if it's true.)