Would you want to know?

[BigAlsGal]

One other thing... How would your husband feel if what I think would happen is exactly what happens. How would he feel if not only does he NOT get a relationship with the girl that he now made it so his daughter has no one? Is he REALLY willing to risk that.

What if what you think DOESNT happen?

Tough situation. I don't believe they should have separated this boy from his baby to begin with. That's a permanent decision that he could not possibly make understanding everything, his parents should have stepped in and urged him to keep the baby and help strengthen the bond between him and his baby. But that did not happen. At this point, after all that has happened, he should be thinking about what will cause the least amount of stress or burden to his child. I do not think it is wrong for him to reach out to his child, and if the "child" were older I'd say it is one thing to find them but since the child is so young- being in your 20s is still very young, and many people in their 20s are still living with parents or relying on them in some way- so I think the reaching out should be to the people who have actually raised the child (even though the child is not underage any longer). He could reach out to THEM, not the child, and explain that he really wants the opportunity to get to know his biological child, perhaps cushion it with a statement such as I'm not trying to take away the mom and dad she has, or to take their place? All of my opinion of this changes if it is another family member that raised the child. If it was a family member of his, then, no, he should be able to be more upfront about it and not feel like he is the keeper of some guarded family secret. Best wishes, OP, it's going to be tough however it goes.

This is his plan. Reaching out to her father.

 

[Hrhpd]

He's tried to contact the family through FB. They responded by deleting everything. You know if they would have said "Hey she knows nothing about you and she's happy and we'd like to keep it that way" it would have been nice. It all seems really twisted now.

So, this is to spite the grandparents? You want to interrupt a young lady's life because you think the grandparents are ignoring your husband?

 

[BigAlsGal]

So, this is to spite the grandparents? You want to interrupt a young lady's life because you think the grandparents are ignoring your husband?

No. And that's ridiculous.

 

[BearFamily]

1. I think I would want to know. I really do.

2. I would want to hear it from the people I considered my parents, and no one else.

I have a great aunt who gave up a baby girl for adoption. It was hidden from the rest of her family, including her younger sister (my grandmother). When that adopted child was in her 50's, she and my great aunt found one another and began establishing a relationship. By that time, the daughter had a teenage daughter of her own. That teenager was made aware of all of the rest of us in the family, but we didn't know she existed yet. She and I wound up at the same college, and she basically wound up ambushing me (in a very friendly way) and telling me she was my cousin. I kept telling her she wasn't. She replied with all sorts of personal information about my family. It was surreal. I called home, and even my parents said "that's not possible". They wound up calling my grandmother to confirm that the whole thing was true.

It felt very weird, meeting this person who said they were my relative, who wanted to make a connection, who i knew nothing about, but who knew a LOT about me and my entire extended family. It was creepy and weird. I CANNOT imagine how this would have affected me if it had been about my parents instead of just a second cousin, upending my entire sense of family and, honestly, my entire reality.

 

[Allison]

What if what you think DOESNT happen?

You can't take that risk with this young lady's life. That would be terribly unfair.

I hope your husband can find peace with the decision he made years ago.

 

[Hrhpd]

Here's to living the lie!!!!!!

Phew, glad to see you are drinking. Have a great evening and enjoy!

 

[kamik86]

What if what you think DOESNT happen?

I see it this way

If you tell her and everything goes perfectly for her all she gained was a frienship with a man that she doesn't know she is missing.
If you tell her and everything goes very badly she loses everyone she loves.

That risk/reward equation just doesn't seem worth it.

Now to your husband it might because yeah he gets closure and to know what would happen either way. But as many others have said here... it really shouldn't be about him.

 

[kamik86]

1. I think I would want to know. I really do.

2. I would want to hear it from the people I considered my parents, and no one else.

You know I could agree with number 2. That the only way I could see this going well if it came from either those that I thought were my parents or MAYBE the one I thought was my sister.

But from a stranger... yeah I really can't see that going well. Even if she eventually came around I couldn't see it going well at first.

 

[manning]

I know someone who gave up her daughter at childbirth. Many years later there was a knock at her door. Standing there was her daughter. She said that was the best thing that happened. No more wondering what happened to her. Her adoptive parents encouraged it. Both are happy.

 

[piccolopat]

They knew after he signed away his rights. They tried to reach out. Send gifts. They were shut out as well.

How can a minor child sign away his rights?

 

[jt'smom]

I guess I'm a mean, old *****, but I think a man who knocked a girl up at 16, gave up his rights, then 20 years later wants to crash her world down because he and his wife think "she deserves to know", has got to be the most self-centered human being on the face of the earth. I would be horrified if my husband was in this situation and he wanted to do this to another human being. It's totally different if the child wants to search out their bio parents, but for the bio parent to search out a child, especially knowing that they have NO IDEA they are adopted, is just insane. Yes, it is sad that the OP's husband has a kid out there, that he fathered when he was a kid himself, and feels a sense of loss about it. But, suck it up, Buttercup. Your bio kid did not ask to come into this world, and then have a surprise Daddy dropped on them at 20. I can't believe this is even a question, for heaven's sake!!!

 

[BigAlsGal]

How can a minor child sign away his rights?

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

 

[gotomu212]

How can a minor child sign away his rights?

Because when it comes to having a child you as the underage parent are considered emancipated ONLY in regards to the child. That means a teen mother can't ask for an aspirin for herself without parental consent but can authorize open heart surgery for her child or apply for government aid.

 

[piccolopat]

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

Thanks for clarifying. I had a friend in high school who was adopted. Her adoptive grandmother used every opportunity to tell her she wasn't really a part if the family. It was horrible and caused her do much pain. She wanted to know her biological parents but they wouldn't give her any info. Not all adoptions are happy ones. I thought there were adoption sites where parents or kids could post if they wanted to meet each other. That might be something to look into. Good luck.

 

[Barbara76]

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

Was he involved in her life for those 2 years? If so maybe she DOES know he exists and might reach out to him when the time is right.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Was he involved in her life for those 2 years? If so maybe she DOES know he exists and might reach out to him when the time is right.

No they moved away. Father was a military man.

 

[Hrhpd]

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

This story has more twists than a neurotic pretzel.

So, he had two years to think about it and as an adult he still decided to give up his rights to the child. This was not some confused teenager, but an adult.

He really, really has no right to interfere in her life.

 

[BigAlsGal]

This story has more twists than a neurotic pretzel.

Tell me about it.

 

[mummabear]

That's what I'm asking. Would it ruin their lives to know the truth? Would it make it better? I personally believe we all deserve to know the truth.

I was going to ask what the child "knows" right now, I see from your quote below.

No more like kids have a baby in high school. Grandparents pressure guy to sign over rights at a very young age. They take the child and raise it as their own and cut all forms of communication with father.

Does your husband want a relationship with the child? Are the grandparents you are speaking of your husbands parents or the baby mothers parents? Where is the mother in the story does this child believe the mother is an Aunt?

 

[LiveYourLife]

To answer your question OP, and under these circumstances I would NOT want to know.

I echo the sentiments of many in that it's not your decision to make and your husband needs to let it go.