Would you send the invite?

[Queen2PrincessG]

Dh doesn't like his brother. They only see eachother at family events. They don't call and talk on the phone or go out together or even visit one another. It was like that before I came involved with Dh. They are civil but for the most part the only reason why is because of MIL.

So another update. BIL is refusing to go to the meeting. MIL wants us to come out for dinner and to talk. I'm so sick of the situation. UGH!! Sorry to be venting here.

I've tried to reflect and see where I might be wrong but I just can't see. I've been pretty much invisible and tight lipped because I know I'll go off. I've done nothing but try to be nice to them when i had to be.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Dh doesn't like his brother. They only see eachother at family events. They don't call and talk on the phone or go out together or even visit one another. It was like that before I came involved with Dh. They are civil but for the most part the only reason why is because of MIL.

So another update. BIL is refusing to go to the meeting. MIL wants us to come out for dinner and to talk. I'm so sick of the situation. UGH!! Sorry to be venting here.

I've tried to reflect and see where I might be wrong but I just can't see. I've been pretty much invisible and tight lipped because I know I'll go off. I've done nothing but try to be nice to them when i had to be.

Oh goodness. Learn to say no and do not go for the setup. There is really nothing to discuss. She just wants to inflame the situation.

Tell her that you guys need time to cool off before you can talk about it.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

UGh so after getting dressed, getting the child in her car seat and grabbing a quick prescription at CVS we get a calla to not come because BIL is going home because he forgot his meds!
This is the crap that pisses me off. How do you leave the house without something that you NEED. So ridiculous.

I should have just sent the stupid invitation. If I'd known it would have caused this amount of drama, I would have. UGH!

Mystery- Why do you keep saying learn to say no? I know how and when to say no. I just screwed up this time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

UGh so after getting dressed, getting the child in her car seat and grabbing a quick prescription at CVS we get a calla to not come because BIL is going home because he forgot his meds!
This is the crap that pisses me off. How do you leave the house without something that you NEED. So ridiculous.

I should have just sent the stupid invitation. If I'd known it would have caused this amount of drama, I would have. UGH!

Mystery- Why do you keep saying learn to say no? I know how and when to say no. I just screwed up this time.

Because you seem to not make the connection of saying no vs frustrating yourself.

When MIL says I want you to come over, you say now it is not a good time.

In other words, take some charge of the situation and be a leader and not a follower of your IL's.

Now they got you where they want you. You are being manipulated. I am trying to get you to see that.

 

[Carly_Roach]

UGh so after getting dressed, getting the child in her car seat and grabbing a quick prescription at CVS we get a calla to not come because BIL is going home because he forgot his meds!
This is the crap that pisses me off. How do you leave the house without something that you NEED. So ridiculous.

I should have just sent the stupid invitation. If I'd known it would have caused this amount of drama, I would have. UGH!

Mystery- Why do you keep saying learn to say no? I know how and when to say no. I just screwed up this time.

Way too much drama here.

OP, if your DH doesn't like his brother then his habit of cutting his brother out of his life is just and correct. However, if this cutting of the brother out of his life is going to cause rifts with his mother, someone he WANTS in his life, then he's going to have to work this out with his mother. Instead of rolling your eyes about not sending an invitiation to the brother, you should have simply not accepted the offer to have the party at her house in the first place.

With that said, you're in it now and there's nothing you can do about it. Get through the party, learn from this mistake and accept the fact that in order to live happy (drama-free zone in your house and life), you're going to have to accept that your in-laws will believe that you're "wrong" unless and until the BIL gives them cause to second-guess their opinions.

Suck it up and get through it.

 

[js]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

MIL called DH this am crying and crying saying she doesn't want her babies to be torn apart. So she wants all of us to meet today. Apparently BIL doesn't know he isn't invited because SHE told him the invite must have been lost in the mail. Regardless I'm going to move the party. It's just easier and what I should have done in the first place.

wenrob- I feel very much that way. In my eyes family ties to screw you over more because "they are family" I've had it with this situation. I'm going to the "meeting" and I'm going to air our my grievances and be done with the entire situation.

Good for you but I am sure you feel badly for your dd. Too bad that this is causing her not to have an uncle.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my kids didn't get along and I (as your mil) had to see my kids not speaking, life's too short.

Did you read this post:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2612912

 

[Disney Doll]

I will totally agree with you about toxic people. There are those in my family who haven't been spoken to or spoken of for decades because of their toxicity. DH and I also avoid a particular BIL because of his propensity for temper tantrums. We see him about once a year, say "hi" and then we go find somewhere else to be. If the sister wants to be with us, she comes around and we have a lovely time together.

However, I have no idea how "toxic" the BIL mentioned in the post may be. We only have one side of the story which is why I hedged my post the way I did. I will totally agree with you that the decision to sever the relationship MUST reside in the husband's hands. The wife can decide to never see the BIL herself, but I believe she would be wrong to demand that the husband cut all ties with his family because she hates the BIL.

I agree

 

[Disney Doll]

Good for you but I am sure you feel badly for your dd. Too bad that this is causing her not to have an uncle.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my kids didn't get along and I (as your mil) had to see my kids not speaking, life's too short.

I am fairly certain that her kids can do quite well without a drug-addled manipulative uncle in their life. And as far as Mom gos...well, she raised him so she has to learn to accept his faults and realize that his behavior will alienate people.

 

[TheBig2na]

I havent spoken to my brother in 6 years. put up with his garbage for too long and finally said forget it. My mom guilt trips me about it and it has turned around to where she tells me that i am being immature. I just tell her that I want nothing to do with him, that is my choice and if she doesnt like it tough. If we have dinner plans and he decides to fly in for a weekend to play super dad to the girls he left homeless, i dont go to her house. Is it tough on her, sure I bet it is, but I didnt cause the situation and now that i have a child I figure a bad son/husband/father/brother will likely be a bad uncle. If a friend of mine treated my wife and I the way my brother has, I wouldnt be there friend. Popping out of the same mother doesn't mean you have to put up with their garbage. And dont get me started on my in laws, they have been told too. Its your life, dont let anyone else run it for you.

 

[js]

I am fairly certain that her kdis can do quite well withgout a drug-addled maniooulative uncle in their life. And as far as Mom gos...well, she raised him so she has to learn to accept his faults and realize that his behavior will alienate people.

oohhhh, I didn't read the whole story then
I'm home in my pjs having a little too much "holiday cheer" I guess!!!

So sorry, if he is a drug addict, I would certainly not want him in my dd's life OR my home!!!!

Back to my "holiday cheer!!!"

 

[Minnie]

UGh so after getting dressed, getting the child in her car seat and grabbing a quick prescription at CVS we get a calla to not come because BIL is going home because he forgot his meds!

Does BIL live in the same house as MIL?????????

If this is the case you can't have it at MIL house and not invite someone who lives there or expect them not to be there....

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Mystery- It's not that I can't say no. I do, very often but I know that DH loves his mother and father so I try to be as nice as I can when it comes to them.
BIL lives in his own house with his child bride and 4 year old son and kid on the way.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am fairly certain that her kids can do quite well without a drug-addled manipulative uncle in their life. And as far as Mom gos...well, she raised him so she has to learn to accept his faults and realize that his behavior will alienate people.

I do not see this post Is that from another thread or am i just blind?

Mystery- It's not that I can't say no. I do, very often but I know that DH loves his mother and father so I try to be as nice as I can when it comes to them.
BIL lives in his own house with his child bride and 4 year old son and kid on the way.

Okay, the things you report your brother in law saying are despicable, not doubt about it. However, you are saying some pretty awful things too. You may want to try really cooling off and slowing down an rethinking everything from an outsider's perspective.
As Carly pointed out there is very likely another side to the story. Maybe BiL and MiL are "hearing" the type of anger/dislike tone you have here coming from you and thinking you are the bad guy.
I think you need to find away to cope without adding to the drama until and unless your husband wants to cut ties with his brother in spite of what his mother has to say about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mystery- It's not that I can't say no. I do, very often but I know that DH loves his mother and father so I try to be as nice as I can when it comes to them.
BIL lives in his own house with his child bride and 4 year old son and kid on the way.

When you did not invite the BIL you were mean to his family and your dh's parents.

You need to examine your actions in this drama. From where I sit it appears that you are the one fueling this drama and not them.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I wouldn't send one. There is no sense inviting them to something they don't want to be at. Last thing I would want is to invite drama to my kid's party. It's not worth me having to walk on egg shells throughout the day... I have enough to worry about.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Wouldn't it be best for the entire family to confront BIL about his drug problems and send him into rehab? Wouldn't that be better for everyone involved (including his child) than cutting off contact with him?

And why don't they like each other, anyway? Besides the drugs, I don't think that's been cleared up. Perhaps some clearing of the air is in order. For that matter, why does OP hate BIL?

 

[Agri]

Good for you but I am sure you feel badly for your dd. Too bad that this is causing her not to have an uncle.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my kids didn't get along and I (as your mil) had to see my kids not speaking, life's too short.

Did you read this post:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2612912

What does that thread have to do with anything? Unless I missed something, there is nothing in there about the kids not getting along - nor anything about a drug addicted BIL who said that he hates his SIL. Just a large family that is spread out across the country.

The flip side of your "life's too short" argument is that "life's too short to deal with negative people". My father is an abusive jerk who wanted me to lie in court when my parents divorced, so because "life's too short" I should embrace him anyway? Puh-leaze!

OP, I'm glad you're changing the venue. Stop letting your MIL stir the pot and tell her that BIL needs to truthfully apologize about his comments and change his lifestyle before you want *your* family around him. Just because people are family doesn't mean that they have to put up with each other. Stick to your stance and repeat it to her - and make sure your DH handles the brunt of it as its his family. Sit down with DH and either decide to cut yourselves off from BIL and that drama or learn to deal with it. And stick to your decision.

 

[Disney Doll]

I do not see this post Is that from another thread or am i just blind?
.

See post #14. There are 2 brothers, the OP's DH and the OP's BIL. The OP's DH is going for his doctorate.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I'm going to pretty much repeat what everyone else has said. Since you are having it at the mil's you should have invited the bil. If it was somewhere else he could have been left off. You guys should probably just bite the bullet and send him and invite...if he choses to come fine, if not even better.

For the sake of your in laws you have to find a way to get along. You don't have to like each other, just tolerate each other. Do what your dh does, when they're in one room be in another. Sux, but atleast you are not submitting yourself to their behavior.

I obviously don't know the whole story, nor do I want to, but I will say you don't seem to be as innocent as you claim. Every thing you mention about bil has negativity around it. He might be a loser and things, but you're getting sucked up into that negativity by commenting or reacting to it. (ex the mail box comments, the comments about him with meds, and the child bride). Not sure how you come to know he doesn't like you, but it could be from the vibes your sending out. Did you feel this strongly before you found out he doesn't like you? Honestly I don't see what his opinion matters. You are a part of the family, you are legally married and the mother of your child with dh. Your mil certainly recognizes your part in the family.

Good luck with it all.

 

[NHdisneylover]

See post #14. There are 2 brothers, the OP's DH and the OP's BIL. The OP's DH is going for his doctorate.

Thanks--I missed that thrown in there like that with no other discussion. I do wonder how valid that is and how much is overkill (given that I doubt seriously he truly has a CHILD bride--not legal in the USA). He may well have married a younger woman--but that is not a child bride, so now i have a hard time knowing when to take what the OP says at face value and when not to.