Would you send the invite?

[daisyduck123]

You're not actually hosting the party if it's at your MIL's house. She is. So she gets control of the guest list. I'd move the party elsewhere...bowling, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hut, anywhere but her house.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Dh is 100%. He feels bad about not telling what BIL said but he didn't want me to get upset ( too late! ) Either way he doesn't want him there either. He's been dealing with everyone for the most part. I feel like it's about appearances. MIL doesn't want it to appear that her family isn't 100%. The horror two brothers don't get along. Well when one is a drug user and seller and the other is working on his doctorates...what do you think?

If you do not want the brother there, have the party elsewhere.

 

[wenrob]

You're not actually hosting the party if it's at your MIL's house. She is. So she gets control of the guest list. I'd move the party elsewhere...bowling, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hut, anywhere but her house.

What I was going to suggest. Move the party elsewhere and the problem is solved.

Personally, life is too short to spend with people who make my life miserable. I used to feel obligated but not anymore. I refuse to let the "but they're family card" be played. I played that hand, thanks. If it's that bad between the brothers and you and the BIL then there's no way I'd have them to DD's party. Kids and everyone else DO pick up on that tension. No way I'd make my kid feel uncomfortable for the sake of "family." Sounds harsh but that's how I feel about it. Aside from the occasional drama filled phone call my life has been pretty peaceful over the last several years.

 

[Minnie]

Move the party otherwise expect BIL to show up (invited or not) and make a scene - almost guaranteed

 

[kirstenb1]

If MIL's already volunteered her home, I doubt you can shift the venue without hurting her feelings. So any suggestions of Chuck e Cheese, etc are probably moot.

Just accept that she's the co-host and can invite whomever she wants. Lesson learned.

 

[Minnie]

If MIL's already volunteered her home, I doubt you can shift the venue without hurting her feelings. So any suggestions of Chuck e Cheese, etc are probably moot.

Just accept that she's the co-host and can invite whomever she wants. Lesson learned.

MIL is already unhappy..... the OP should not have to deal with BIL on her child's birthday especially with her DH in agreement.

 

[epcotprincess]

I would move the party and then have your DH explain to his mom that there is bad blood with the BIL and the two of you have decided to not allow someone using and selling drugs to be a part of your child's life.

His family, his decisions, send him in to battle.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Very familiar story. I learned long ago, if it's in MIL's house, you have to invite them, if it's in your house, NO! DH and BIL never got along. Almost came to a fistfight on Christmas one year. MIL and FIL chose not to tell BIL he was wrong. I have refused to have anything to do with him since and refused to go downstairs when he was here (we live in apartment upstairs). A few years of being crapped on and used by BIL and they have seen the light. It's unfortunate he treats people the way he does, but they refused to see it until they'd had enough. Being the vindictive "B" I am, I'd cancel the party because I'd rather have it anywhere else than somewhere I HAD to invite someone I didn't want there, especially since your DH doesn't like him either.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I'm so upset and have no idea how to handle this situation. Dh and brother don't get along. They have been civil at family events. One stays in one room the Dh stays in another. Just don't mesh well.

DH and BIL had a big argument where a lot of things (that I knew) were said one bit (that I found out an hour ago) was that BIL doesn't consider me family and that he officially hates me. DH and I have been together for 10 years married for 5 of those and have a child. Whatever I'm pissed but no sweat off my back, I can't stand BIL either.

Anyway I sent out invites for DD upcoming birthday but left BIL and SIL off the list. Now MIL is pissed and saying that I need to send an invite because they were going to come. I'm opposed to sending one and have no idea who told them and why they would even consider coming?!?! I don't want them there but MIL is hosting the party at her house for me while ours is be renovated.

Do I send the invite and pray they won't come? or Don't send the invite and stand my ground.

If you are hosting the party at your mother in laws how I don't see how you can not send the invite. After all you can't exactly tell her who she is allowed to have in her own house now can you?

 

[bellebud]

Assuming that your DH is the one getting his doctorate , I would not HESITATE to cease all ties with this guy when my kids were around....anyone who sells drugs can be in a potentially dangerous situation at ANY time. I would try to maintain contact with your neice/nephew, though, through MIL perhaps?

This isn't about sniping at each other, it is that this guy is a danger to himself and others (drunk driving and using/selling drugs) and I wouldn't let my child near him.

Good luck.

and for all future events... this.

There are so many scenarios here - he could have drugs in his pocket that fall out and a kid finds, he could owe someone dangerous some money and they come after him, he could be being watched by the police and they raid the event - or just come in after him - either way not somewhere I'd want to be, or want my child to be. And let's be real - he has no proper judgement in life if he's a drug seller, for goodness sakes!

I'd definitely have a "no drug users/sellers" policy in my immediate circle - family or not. This is illegal activity we're talking about - not someone just being an @$$. MIL needs to wake up, or simply see you guys at different times on the holidays - it can be done.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

BIL doesn't consider me family and that he officially hates me.

Why would you invite somebody into your home (or to be around your child) that hates you?

I would not send it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why would you invite somebody into your home (or to be around your child) that hates you?

I would not send it.

It is not her home, it is her MIL's home.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

It is not her home, it is her MIL's home.

Oh. I see that now. I should have read the original post better

In this case, MIL’s house, her rules.

I would just rent out a party venue so I could make my own decisions.

 

[HOGFAN]

find another place to have it. even if u have to rent someplace. then put on your big girl panties and invite whomever u want. life is too short to spend it with people that are miserable.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

MIL called DH this am crying and crying saying she doesn't want her babies to be torn apart. So she wants all of us to meet today. Apparently BIL doesn't know he isn't invited because SHE told him the invite must have been lost in the mail. Regardless I'm going to move the party. It's just easier and what I should have done in the first place.

wenrob- I feel very much that way. In my eyes family ties to screw you over more because "they are family" I've had it with this situation. I'm going to the "meeting" and I'm going to air our my grievances and be done with the entire situation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

MIL called DH this am crying and crying saying she doesn't want her babies to be torn apart. So she wants all of us to meet today. Apparently BIL doesn't know he isn't invited because SHE told him the invite must have been lost in the mail. Regardless I'm going to move the party. It's just easier and what I should have done in the first place.

wenrob- I feel very much that way. In my eyes family ties to screw you over more because "they are family" I've had it with this situation. I'm going to the "meeting" and I'm going to air our my grievances and be done with the entire situation.

Here is what I would do....

1.) I would NOT go to the meeting. That is a total setup. Learn the word no.

2.) I would cancel the party and go and do something FUN with my kid instead.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

MIL called DH this am crying and crying saying she doesn't want her babies to be torn apart. So she wants all of us to meet today. Apparently BIL doesn't know he isn't invited because SHE told him the invite must have been lost in the mail. Regardless I'm going to move the party. It's just easier and what I should have done in the first place.

wenrob- I feel very much that way. In my eyes family ties to screw you over more because "they are family" I've had it with this situation. I'm going to the "meeting" and I'm going to air our my grievances and be done with the entire situation.

It's been my experience as an objective observer in situations like these that there is never, ever one party who's worse than the other. Each party feels they've been the angel while the other has been the evil one. So be forewarned that while you're airing your grievances, there will be others there who may or may not tell you about how the way you behave is just as bad if not worse.

Don't be surprised to hear that the rest of the family has been "tolerating" you and your behavior because of your relationship to their brother/son.

You should have considered the fact that the hated BIL may be invited to the party when you accepted your MIL's offer to host the birthday party at her house. She is his mother, after all. Anything you do now will be seen as "that manipulative (expletive) is at it again" so you won't win no matter what you do or how right you and the rest of the DIS board thinks you are.

If you and your DH are fully ready to be cut off entirely from this branch of the family tree, then by all means make this the mountain you die on. Otherwise I'd tread carefully and really consider whether you want to be right or you want to be happy. 20-50 years with no relationship or a bad relationship with the people who raised your DH and are grandparents to your children is a long time.

 

[Disney Doll]

There are parts of this I agree with and parts I don't...see bolded below

It's been my experience as an objective observer in situations like these that there is never, ever one party who's worse than the other. Each party feels they've been the angel while the other has been the evil one. So be forewarned that while you're airing your grievances, there will be others there who may or may not tell you about how the way you behave is just as bad if not worse. This will most defintiely be the case. Do you think Mama and BIL are going to just sit there while you blast them? Not going to happen.
Don't be surprised to hear that the rest of the family has been "tolerating" you and your behavior because of your relationship to their brother/son. Absolutely

You should have considered the fact that the hated BIL may be invited to the party when you accepted your MIL's offer to host the birthday party at her house. She is his mother, after all. Anything you do now will be seen as "that manipulative (expletive) is at it again" so you won't win no matter what you do or how right you and the rest of the DIS board thinks you are. Agree

If you and your DH are fully ready to be cut off entirely from this branch of the family tree, then by all means make this the mountain you die on. Agree...I think you need to discuss very carefully with DH if he is ready for that kind of rift in his family...perhaps he is, but perhaos he isn't... Otherwise I'd tread carefully and really consider whether you want to be right or you want to be happy. 20-50 years with no relationship or a bad relationship with the people who raised your DH and are grandparents to your children is a long time. This is the part I don't necessarily agree with. If they are truly as toxic as the OP says, then regardless of their relationship, they could and should be cut off. But, DH should have a lot to say about this.

OP, at the very least, learn a lesson from this. Do not ever accept MIL's invitation to host anything at her house for you because you will b placed in the same predicament again.

 

[Carly_Roach]

This is the part I don't necessarily agree with. If they are truly as toxic as the OP says, then regardless of their relationship, they could and should be cut off. But, DH should have a lot to say about this.

I will totally agree with you about toxic people. There are those in my family who haven't been spoken to or spoken of for decades because of their toxicity. DH and I also avoid a particular BIL because of his propensity for temper tantrums. We see him about once a year, say "hi" and then we go find somewhere else to be. If the sister wants to be with us, she comes around and we have a lovely time together.

However, I have no idea how "toxic" the BIL mentioned in the post may be. We only have one side of the story which is why I hedged my post the way I did. I will totally agree with you that the decision to sever the relationship MUST reside in the husband's hands. The wife can decide to never see the BIL herself, but I believe she would be wrong to demand that the husband cut all ties with his family because she hates the BIL.

 

[NikiM20]

OP,We too had problems with family. We decided to completely remove them from our life. We are much happier now Good Luck!!