Would you report this family to CPS?

[Mrs.Toad]

My dd has a friend. Her house smells horribly of garbage and dog poop. I know that smells can happen in any house, but this house always stinks, and it's not just when you get into the kitchen near the garbage, it's noticable from the front porch. The mom won't even let me in any more. She opens the door just a tad and squeezes through the opening so no one can see the inside, but even with that small, brief opening, I can smell it.

The girl's clothes are almost always dirty. Her mother's behavior is extremely erratic and she is often disoriented or forgets things that you talked to her about just a day or two before.

For a long time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She's a single mom, so I assumed working and taking care of the kids was tough for her and she wasn't finding the time to clean or do laundry. As I got to know her better and noticed her gigantic mood swings and tirades against people who didn't do exactly as she expected, I became more concerned. Now I just found out she hasn't worked in over a year. She tells people she's working, but she's not. Her kids are 11 and high-school age, so they are in school all day long (during the school year), so there should be time to keep the house reasonably clean.

The girl has a really nice, normal dad who lives nearby and she spends every other weekend and one night a week with him. I won't presume to say I know which house she'd rather live in, or whether her dad wants custody, I'm just including the info to show there is an alternative.

I don't know if I should do anything. I think the mom is neglectful and emotionally abusive (though I can't be sure the extent). It's a terrible living situation, but I don't think the mom is physically abusive in any way.

WWYD?

 

[darkeraven]

Maybe there is some way you can lend her a hand.

 

[C.Ann]

Because she has a "nice" dad nearby, I would not get involved.. I'm sure if there is serious neglect and/or any type of abuse going on, he's aware of it.. All of the children are certainly old enough to voice their complaints/fears to him..

If there was no dad in the picture, I "might" consider it - but I think I would need more info than what you currently have..

Poor kids.. Thank goodness they have their dad!

 

[Darcy03231]

I would make the call and let the professionals investigate.

Just because the dad lives nearby doesn't mean that he wants custody of his children and may even be aware of the home situation. I work in family law and have seen this before. Some people just want to see their children one night a week and every other weekend (and some don't even see them that much) and leave the day to day care (or lack thereof) to someone else.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Lend her a hand, in what way? She will not allow anyone to help her clean, I have offered in the past, and honestly, I think it's gone beyond that point to where it may be a health hazard more than just a woman who need some help.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think I would at least let a school counselor know my concerns. They may be in a better position to know what should/should not be reported and may well ahve more information about the situation anyway. Then again, I might well report it myself depending on what my "gut" tells me about how hard it really is for the kids. My big concern is that it sounds like the mother may be somewhat mentally unstable. This could become dangerous for the kids.

ETA--the kids may not tell their dad no matter how bad it is. If mom is mentally ill they may well feel sorry for her (because they love her) and be trying to take care of her themselves and protect her from being "harmed" by letting others--even dad (maybe especially dad if they see that he "hurt" her in the divorce already--or see the divorce as a trigger for her depression becomming visible in their lives).

 

[JoiseyMom]

Tough decision. The women sounds ill, considering the erratic behavior. The fact that there is a dad near by, and you would know she has someplace safe to go to, then yes I would call. Let the professionals handle it. No child should be wearing dirty clothes and living in that sort of enviornment.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

WWYD?

I would sit with the girl and talk about it with her. Ask her if she needs some help, what she thinks about her mom, etc....

The child does have the power to speak with her dad about it.

The reality is if you call, the girl will probably not be your dd's friend any longer, I am sure she will figure it out.

So then she will have lost your support system.

So bottom line, I would talk with the girl first.

 

[sbell111]

Tough decision. The women sounds ill, considering the erratic behavior. The fact that there is a dad near by, and you would know she has someplace safe to go to, then yes I would call. Let the professionals handle it. No child should be wearing dirty clothes and living in that sort of enviornment.

Agreed. I'd likely call.

 

[ajk912]

I wouldn't call without talking to the girl first. Ask her about her home life, what her mom does, if her mom is fun and nice, what they have for supper, if they play scrabble..I don't know. Make it a fun, conversational type of thing instead of a suprise attack.

And I think I would do that type of conversation in the car. Take the girls out for ice cream so she lets down her guard, and you can open with, "So, do you ever do anything like this with your mom?"..and take it from there.

 

[Inigo]

I'd report it to CPS, and let them investigate. After all, they are the professionals in that field, and they can determine if it rises to the level of neglect.

IME, most likely the mother will get put on something like a Program of Informal Adjustment, which is a light version of a Child in Need of Services (CHINS) case. CPS will assist her in doing what needs to be done to provide a safe environment for the children. This may be just the kick in the butt she needs to do what she needs to do.

I work as a juvenile probation officer, and we are required to report anything that might be abuse or neglect. This might be, so report it.

 

[luvmy3]

I wouldn't call CPS unless I had 100% proof that this woman was neglectful and abusive, and if it were me I would need something more concrete than what you posted. I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned, it certainly sounds like the mom is having some sort of psychiatric problems. If I were you I would talk to the dd and then speak to her dad, and let him know what you have observed and what the dd said if anything. Maybe he is fully aware of the situation and handling it, or maybe he could explain whats going on.

 

[C.Ann]

I wouldn't call CPS unless I had 100% proof that this woman was neglectful and abusive, and if it were me I would need something more concrete than what you posted. I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned, it certainly sounds like the mom is having some sort of psychiatric problems. If I were you I would talk to the dd and then speak to her dad, and let him know what you have observed and what the dd said if anything. Maybe he is fully aware of the situation and handling it, or maybe he could explain whats going on.

I agree.. A call to CPS should never be made in haste.. There is too much at stake - even for the children.. (Just the embarrassment alone of having CPS come to the school and pull them from class to speak to them.. And yes - it does happen that way often times because they need to talk to the children separate from the mom - before mom is even aware a call has been made..)

There just isn't enough information here to go on.. Speak to the girl; speak to the older siblings; and then speak to the dad.. Based on what little info you have, the rush to call in CPS could be a huge mistake - for all involved..

 

[Kim&Chris]

Hmmm, that is certainly a tough one. What bothers me most is the mother's erratic behavior. Sounds like the poor woman is in need of help, but perhaps can't (or doesn't know how to) get the help she needs (whether it be financially, emotionally, etc). I'm no expert, but maybe she is depressed?

I think I'd be inclined to make the call. Hopefully the sooner she can get some help, the better for both herself and the kids.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

I agree.. A call to CPS should never be made in haste.. There is too much at stake - even for the children.. (Just the embarrassment alone of having CPS come to the school and pull them from class to speak to them.. And yes - it does happen that way often times because they need to talk to the children separate from the mom - before mom is even aware a call has been made..)

There just isn't enough information here to go on.. Speak to the girl; speak to the older siblings; and then speak to the dad.. Based on what little info you have, the rush to call in CPS could be a huge mistake - for all involved..

Excellent advice

 

[Ciao Mickey]

My dd has a friend. Her house smells horribly of garbage and dog poop. I know that smells can happen in any house, but this house always stinks, and it's not just when you get into the kitchen near the garbage, it's noticable from the front porch. The mom won't even let me in any more. She opens the door just a tad and squeezes through the opening so no one can see the inside, but even with that small, brief opening, I can smell it.

The girl's clothes are almost always dirty. Her mother's behavior is extremely erratic and she is often disoriented or forgets things that you talked to her about just a day or two before.

For a long time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She's a single mom, so I assumed working and taking care of the kids was tough for her and she wasn't finding the time to clean or do laundry. As I got to know her better and noticed her gigantic mood swings and tirades against people who didn't do exactly as she expected, I became more concerned. Now I just found out she hasn't worked in over a year. She tells people she's working, but she's not. Her kids are 11 and high-school age, so they are in school all day long (during the school year), so there should be time to keep the house reasonably clean.

The girl has a really nice, normal dad who lives nearby and she spends every other weekend and one night a week with him. I won't presume to say I know which house she'd rather live in, or whether her dad wants custody, I'm just including the info to show there is an alternative.

I don't know if I should do anything. I think the mom is neglectful and emotionally abusive (though I can't be sure the extent). It's a terrible living situation, but I don't think the mom is physically abusive in any way.

WWYD?

How nice and normal can the dad be for him to be totally oblivious or not do something about the situation? Dosen't he notice the dirty clothes the kids are dressed in when they come to his home?

I would call CPS. Let them investigate the household. No child should have to live like a pig.

How sad that people would tell you not to get involved.

 

[r1lissa]

I work @ CPS- this would be an investigation in my state.
At this point, you are legally obligated to call because you suspect physical neglect and emotional abuse. WHEN you make that call, you will be doing the right thing.

 

[dismom2]

I agree.. A call to CPS should never be made in haste.. There is too much at stake - even for the children.. (Just the embarrassment alone of having CPS come to the school and pull them from class to speak to them.. And yes - it does happen that way often times because they need to talk to the children separate from the mom - before mom is even aware a call has been made..)

There just isn't enough information here to go on.. Speak to the girl; speak to the older siblings; and then speak to the dad.. Based on what little info you have, the rush to call in CPS could be a huge mistake - for all involved..

I have to agree with C.Ann's post, too. I think you should try to get some more information first.

I had a neighbor, many years ago in grade school, who lived in a smelly, messy house, and she didn't have any nice clothes. Her family had a lot of pets (including a lot of cats because they let them keep breeding) and I think the smell was mostly from the pets---and not cleaning or replacing the carpets like they should have. I think the parents were hoarders to an extent, or else they just didn't like to clean and didn't make their kids clean, but they were not abusive as far as physically. I don't think they had the money to buy the kids nice, new clothes because it was a large family living on a tight budget, so some of us would give them nice hand-me-downs, which they were so appreciative of. The one daughter grew up to be OCD about cleaning her own house, which I think is a direct result of how her parents' house was. It's a shame when kids have to grow up in a stinky, unclean house, but I really don't know if that's enough reason to call CPS. Maybe it is. I'll be interrested to hear others' views on that. I've known a couple people who wouldn't let anyone in their house because they didn't like to clean it. It's a shame. I always tell my kids that I never want to be ashamed of our house, so we have to keep it nice and clean.

Try to find out more info about the mom and her behaviour.

 

[luvmy3]

How nice and normal can the dad be for him to be totally oblivious or not do something about the situation? Dosen't he notice the dirty clothes the kids are dressed in when they come to his home?

I would call CPS. Let them investigate the household. No child should have to live like a pig.

How sad that people would tell you not to get involved.

I don't recall anyone here saying not to get involved

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't recall anyone here saying not to get involved

I know. Just because my involvement would start with some communication makes it sad.

I never run out and do things blindly. I think if it was a good friend of dd I would at least give her the courtesy of a conversation. You never know what she might say.