Would you make up with a close family member

[punkin]

I think what is coming across is that you are trying to be fair in your reactions, and really trying to give us a realistic view and not just paint your sister as a bad person.

Like others said, it's hard as a parent when we are helpless to help our own kids, and the family that we're supposed to be able to depend on seems to be working against us.

I have someone in my family(A) whose cousin(B) wanted to move out of her home (for whatever reasons). B was over 21 and asked if she could move in with A. The parents of B went ballistic and cut A off as well as A's parents. They wanted their daughter to have no support so she would move back with them. Well, B 'grew up' in whatever way she wanted, and eventually got her own place. She never did move back with her parents. Years later, she made up with her parents, but the relationship between the two sisters (A & B's mothers) has remained strained. Of course, past history had some influence whether or not the sisters used this event to not talk to each other any longer.

I don't know. I see these types of relationship struggles, and think we have to decide, ultimately what we want.

What kind of relationship do you want to have with your sister, and how much are you willing to "sacrifice" for the peace of the family?

This story is very strange....the "child" was 21 yo!

 

[marcyinPA]

Forgiveness is more for the person who was wronged than the person who wronged you. I think I would email or send a card to your sister, letting her know you are still hurt, but you would like to move on. Maybe set up a meeting on neutral ground to start things off. You will most likely never be as close as you were before, but I am sure it would make you feel better to let some of that anger go. I totally understand that she disregarded your feelings about your son, and I know that must hurt, but if you could get past enough to make family events less stressful for you, her and everyone in the family, that would be the best.

I was going to say this too. Offering forgiveness can be very freeing, very healing, and can make you feel like a weight has been lifted from you. This doesn't mean that you aren't HURTING. This just means that you are able to move on.

 

[sunshinehighway]

This sister has involved her kids and they have been cut out of my life. This rift has caused damage to other people. It is also making me feel sick. I may have to call establish communication in some way. I won't apologize. I just keep thinking about something happening to one of her kids and I will have missed so much time. Whenever I hear of a terrible accident or somebody young gets a terminal illness I think of this fight. I am not ok with what she did, sorry. I know he is an adult and he may benefit from this. But I would have felt better if she backed off and let him make the decision on his own without all of the pressure. He may have still decided to go but I would have felt better. She couldn't take a chance on him saying no so she fought dirty.

It seems like you are using your opinion of your sister to decide the reasons for her actions and motivations. Its important to remember that she probably doesn't think the way you do and maybe the things you think she did or why she did them aren't the reason she thinks those things happened.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

This story is very strange....the "child" was 21 yo!

Agreed. But, for whatever reason, she wanted to get out from under her father's roof. Her parents didn't want her to leave, and they punished "A" and "A's" parents for allowing "B" to live with her - regardless of the fact that she was over 21.

 

[Jedana]

I have cut two siblings out of my life. (I'm the youngest of 5).

Dsis #2 because she was a drug addict, a liar and a thief. I didn't want my kids growing up with that in their lives. I begged, pleaded, offered to pay for her to get help, but she didn't want to. When she stole my oldest child's presents (my grandfather and uncle sent cash so I could get whatever I needed for her, when she was born--and she stole it from my living room), I was done.
I lost my nephew (he is 5 years younger than me) because of her---her drug use led directly to his, and he OD'ed on heroin several years ago. He survived, but has the mind of a young boy; he has no idea where he is, only that he is waiting for Aunt Jedana to come and pick him up, and go to the zoo--the last time I saw him a young child, that's what we did.
She passed away a few years before he OD'ed, so she didnt' get to see the impact her negative behavior made on his life.
His two sons will never know their dad. It's heartbreaking.

Dsis #1 did something very unspeakable to me, when I was 10. I won't talk about the specifics here, other than to say I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I tried forgiving her. She would never take responsiblity for what she and her then-husband did--never apologized--never tried to fix herself. I can't forgive someone who doesn't understand what they did was wrong.
I am on good terms with her now husband, and his kids. Her kids have little to do with me, she did a horrible job with them and the boys are constantly getting locked up for one thing or another.


Sometimes, it's not up to you to fix the problem. At least in my case.
ETA: No, I would not "make up" with someone to make life easier on that person or everyone else.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am seriously considering seeing a counselor over this situation. I need help defining boundaries. Normally I can be a. It of a doormat. This situation is pretty unprecedented for me. I've never really said what you did is wrong and I'm not ok with it. It just gets complicated because I wonder if my anger with my sister is caused by me being controlling of my son. Believe it or not I usually err on the side of having nothing to say about my kids decisions in an attempt to not control. I think it's actually hurt my son at times. To be honest though my kids are pretty comfortable doing what they want and ignoring my advice anyway.

Tiggeroo, I think you have really gotten down to the nitty-gritty here!!!! That says something!

What you have just posted is the way that I have been reading your post and your situation all along. Of course, this is just a chat board, and nobody here can really know another person. But, yes, this is the way I was reading your situation!

I am not one to come on here and just throw out the suggestion to get counseling. Quite the opposite! If you do to see somebody, just make sure that they are good, and a good fit for you.

My recommedation to your immediate situation is to try to stay neutral and civil and keep the peace. But, in all honesty, I don't know how it could be good or healthy to be all nicey-nice and everything is okay, ( and re-engage ) etc... when the other person can, and will continue to, do what they are doing and ignore healthy personal and moral boundaries.

 

[punkin]

Agreed. But, for whatever reason, she wanted to get out from under her father's roof. Her parents didn't want her to leave, and they punished "A" and "A's" parents for allowing "B" to live with her - regardless of the fact that she was over 21.

Probably because her parents were excessively controlling.

I know this is just a message board and I have EXTREMELY limited information, but, as usual, I am comparing it to my own real life situations and the story is just too close and familiar.

 

[shortbun]

I don't think your relationship with your sister will ever be the same. I think seeing a counselor to help you work through this is a good idea. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Anyone who leads my child down a path that is good for them but not necessarily him is on my **** list, big time. My sister really hurt me a few years ago. She knows what she did. We have never discussed it. We rarely discuss anything anymore and we used to talk almost every day-now it's twice a month. She mentioned the family not getting together anymore, over Christmas. I didn't respond. I just fake it for the sake of everyone else.