Would you leave extended family for Christmas?- Update Page 3

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I would go on the cruise.

 

[jo-jo]

Tell the kids , go on the trip. It's not like if you don't do Christmas Eve, it will be a year before you see them again.

Last year, my DH and I went to disney two days after Thanksgiving. I have done all the big meals for decades. Last year, even though we were home, I didn't cook. Just made something for us. I didn't want to wear myself out and have the house upside down when we left for two weeks.

My grown kids stayed at their homes and made their own turkey. For my DIL ,it was the first she ever cooked. Married 14 years.

 

[HopperFan]

I think you should go, but maybe still host a holiday dinner with everyone that's able to attend that is not on the actual holiday when you will be gone. Example: big family dinner on Sunday Dec 17th instead of the 25th. We don't have a big family either anymore but I am being selfish and going to WDW for Thanksgiving this year with just my husband and three kids one of whom is also away at college.

This is what I would do given Dad is 89. That is an age that can turn on a dime so I would want a big holiday meal with him. You say you see everyone every few weeks so I assume all are close enough to attend.

This will be the first year in my life that we won't be having Christmas Eve with my family. We lost Mom in 2020 and it's just not been the same. And I now have a grandchild and want to start our own Eve traditions. BUT my entire family is having a holiday dinner the week before.

Now I'll add my funny story ....

For 35 years Christmas Day dinner was with my extended in-laws. Until the last few years MIL hosted, we'd stay the night and it was a BIG DEAL to them. For me my holiday was over but I was happy to help and be part of my MIL holiday. The last few years it was harder for her so my SIL began hosting at their house and we all pitched in with food, and we had our gift exchange and a party. No one was going to bust up this event, none of us would have dared. One of our last MIL notifies all of us around Dec 1st that they are going on a cruise for Christmas. These people planned everything so no doubt this was not a last minute decision. THREE WEEKS NOTICE of Christmas just isn't for us this year. I was "you go girl" and laughing at the distress of her daughters. I am so happy she did something for them and not feel like she had to show up to one more holiday. That holiday gathering stopped.

Do what makes you happy but find a way to have a meaningful event with your Dad.

 

[ncc1701]

Defiantly tell your children. They may have other plans/wishes . If they are on board go ahead. You can always host an extended family Christmas party before or after the trip.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

You see them all the time. Go, enjoy

 

[starry_solo]

INFO: Who is the "we" in this phrase "We do see our extended families every couple of weeks in our day-to-day lives and we will spend Thanksgiving with everyone". If it includes all 5 of your family members, then I would say go on the cruise. If it's just you, your husband, and your non-college aged child, then I would be a bit hesitant to go on the cruise.

 

[hrhdhd]

I rarely spend holidays with family members (other than DH), so I'd take the cruise if that's what I wanted to do.

I agree with someone above that 20-somethings are a little old to be surprised with a trip. What if they've made plans?

 

[MamaMermaid]

Cruise, no question.

 

[sheilafri]

I was in my late 40s when my DD moved out of the country (for the next 11 years). I survived not seeing her at Christmas. My DM would tie herself in knots to get a day when “everyone” could get together around Christmas. It was exhausting trying to accommodate her. Finally she gave up on that. We set a date and if you can make it, fine. If you can’t, people deal with it. Also, we decided when DD was 1 that we wanted to make our own traditions as a family—no more going out of town to the in-laws for every Christmas Eve.

Go on the cruise! Getting adult children together is precious time.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Go on the trip but surprise them now so you don't unintentionally ruin plans can cause conflict with their friends

Families with young adults get pulled apart so easily but we all still need each other very much. As luck would have it quarantine hit just as my kids were in this age range and while they were very pissy about the whole thing disrupting their fun it did a ton of good in reunifying our family as a solid unit where we see each other as adult allies. Everyone benefited from the experience in this part of our lives and I am not sure it would have happened in any other way. This odd happenstance made me realize how important it is to maintain glue to hold everyone together.

These days we do Sunday Dinners and I now see the wisdom of the old school timing where people who go out Sat night can sleep in and make there way for a few hours mid Sunday. Last night was a family member birthday and we all went drinking at a fun bar in Boston, this sort of thing is glue.

Right now we are contemplating some sort of way to maintain connections as everyone ages. Maybe a lake house, or a beach house or just trying to work out a family vacation of some kind where we can slide in more family members if they show up.

Start building those bridges and enjoy your family in whatever form it happens to be. Someone else already built this unit in the extended family space which you enjoy, now you need to carefully construct the same for your own smaller family. People should understand this is a pivotal time.

 

[wenrob]

Wanting to spend the holidays with your kids is not selfish. You are not responsible for other peoples happiness. It’s more than okay to do what you want to do. It’s your Christmas too. I do agree that you shouldn’t surprise your grown kids though. That could backfire bigly. I’d ask them if it’s something they’d like to do.

 

[focusondisney]

If your kids are on board & the grandparents have someone else to,spend the day with, go on the cruise. If your oldest is graduating this year, they’ll probably be only a few months into a new job next year. No telling what kind of vacation time they’ll have in the future, so trips might not happen for them for years.

My sisters & I have talked about some of the differences between previous generations & ours. My grandparents were in their 20s when their parents died. My dad lost his father when he was in his 30s, he was late 50s when his mother died, although they were not close. My mom lost her dad when she was 47, her mom when she was 58. My dad died when we were in our 50s & 60s. My mom just died last year, my youngest sibling was 59, the rest of us well into our 60s. Our kids were all mid 30s & 40s, with jobs, lives & families of their own. Our grandparents & to some degree our parents made decisions on what they wanted to do without having to take elderly parents into consideration. If my generation waited to do things with out kids until our parents were no longer with us, we would have missed decades of time with our own kids.

 

[robinb]

Defiantly tell your children. They may have other plans/wishes . If they are on board go ahead. You can always host an extended family Christmas party before or after the trip.

I agree. Go on the cruise but please tell your kids! They are starting to have their own lives now and may already have other plans.

 

[Hopscotch]

INFO: Who is the "we" in this phrase "We do see our extended families every couple of weeks in our day-to-day lives and we will spend Thanksgiving with everyone". If it includes all 5 of your family members, then I would say go on the cruise. If it's just you, your husband, and your non-college aged child, then I would be a bit hesitant to go on the cruise.

The three of us see them regularly. My college kids will be home for Thanksgiving so they will see everyone then and the 20 year old has a break from college from T-giving till after New year's so he can see his relatives a few times before Christmas. 21 year old will be home a week before Christmas so she can see them then.

I did mention to the oldest about being away for Christmas as she is the most sensitive. She said she was fine either being home or away but definitely seemed excited about going away. The other two will be more than happy to go away.

 

[elgerber]

I would 100% go.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Just having a hard time being selfish and saying we just want to spend Christmas doing something else.

Why is this considered selfish?

Aren't you your own family unit as well?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My family knows I love them, they love me. It's always understood that everyone's presence is wanted. There is never any pressure nor guilt to attend. We come from families that have often had to split time so I grew up with understanding being very much part of it.

My cousin and her husband go for Thanksgiving to her husband's family out of state. I've been gone on Thanksgiving or Christmas before as well. If we planned a trip for Christmas my family would say "have fun tell us about it when you get back". We often have travel stories to tell them when we see them for the holidays or other events like graduations and they love to hear about it. We were gone Mother's Day last year, we'll be gone Mother's Day this next year not planned specifically like that just how plans happened. We celebrated afterwards with our parents.

I'd go and try not to push negative feelings your way about it. I understand the concerns over health of family members but it isn't something you can control either and unless it's more of an imminent thing I'd personally treat it as you could always be pushing something further down the line for one reason or another unless you choose to go.

 

[Violetee]

I would go on the cruise and celebrate Christmas with extended family before you leave or when you get back

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

You absolutely should go. After years of angst at Christmas because my side of the family can't get their act together until about 4 days before to decide what to do/when and DH's family lives in Florida so we need to plan (my family is in Philly/NJ) I said enough. I told them I'm going to Florida for Christmas every single year. You guys figure out a day before or after Christmas (I literally don't care) and we will be there, but his family shouldn't be waiting on mine to figure themselves out and we need to plan ahead. Still is an issue because my brother wants to meet before Christmas and my mom says she can't buy presents and be prepared by then so so she needs a second date with me and DH. It's absurd. To be clear, my mom is retired...she buys us 3 presents and asks for a list at Thanksgiving. There is no reason to do this twice, but if that makes them happy then fine. It saves me a lot of stress at Christmas.

All that to say, go and enjoy time with your immediate family! It sounds like you spend a lot of time with extended family already.

 

[disykat]

I saw this yesterday. It was apparently first time the Bush parents were alone with just their twin daughters in ten years.

https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrit...r-with-parents-sister-for-1st-time-in-decade/

This is very sweet. One of my sons is here by himself right now because he's on a work trip. I really miss his girlfriend, but it is also really nice to just have him here. I recently saw my older son without his wife for the first time in 6 years. That was nice too. I'd love to have some time with just DH and the two boys occasionally.

I always instinctively knew to make sure DH had some time with just his parents or just his sister when we visited them. It's important and it's always a surprise to me when people don't recognize this! I also try to make sure DH has time without ME there with our grown sons. When you don't live really close to family, you really do have to intentionally create these moments.

As for the OP, we did a trip with just DH, me, and our two sons the year our older son graduated from college. I treasure the memories and the pictures we have from that trip probably more than any other trip we ever took! It did turn out to be our last hurrah with just the four of us before DH and I were hyper focused on aging parents and the kids were in serious relationships, etc. Take this moment. Go on the cruise.