Would you have a problem with this fundraiser?

[andromedaslove]

First, I am not quite sure I really know how I feel about a fund raiser for adopting. To me it does seem a bit odd, but I can only imagine how hard it must be to come up with that kind of money. I know I didn't have to come up with a total of $90,000 when I had my 3 boys.

Secondly, I read so many posts saying that you shouldn't have a fundraiser for something that is your choice, but I just don't think that fits this situation. No one here really knows why the pp is unable to have kids. If there is some medical reason why she hasn't been able to have any of her own then I don't think that statement is really fair. Alot of people for medical reasons are unable to have children of their own, so we should just tell them "sorry you aren't able to have kids, but because of your condition you should be forced to throw out $30,000 just to experience what so many of us get so easily?" That just seems kind of cruel to me.

Now that I have said that out loud I definately think I would attend something like this, even if it weren't someone I knew well.

Dana

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

I completely understand!!!!!

And, as I just posted, while all of this was coming thru... while it may not be a completely equal comparison, I do see MANY things that do make it comparable!!!

I wish you well.

 

[RadioFanatic]

For those who say 'it is a choice'.

I think in many cases, probably this one, it is not a choice. Is it a choice that this couple finds out that they have a medical problem that causes infertility???? Is it a choice that there are many precious children, without parents, suffering in foreign orphanages?

Sorry, but this is not like holding a fundraiser for an education at an expesive and exclusive college. I think that those who have posted these types of comments are really unaware of just how devastating infertility can be, and also, the plight of these children.

If a person thinks that a life-or-death situation is the ONLY reason to go out of their way to help, then that is fine.

But, I think these issues needed some clarification here.

beautifully said - I was going to say the same thing. but you did a much better job - thank you.

 

[golfgal]

I would be offended and would not attend nor give to someone asking for donations to help with adoption costs. A lot of companies offer adoption assistance and you get a tax deduction for adopting, asking for more money is , I think, out of line. We don't get a tax deduction for having a baby in the hospital and covering medical costs nor do we get assistance from work for having a baby.

If you can't afford international adoption, you should look for other options that are less costly or find a way to come up with the money on your own.

 

[lillygator]

While I would personally probabaly not attend I wish you well on your journey!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE... DON'T YOU DARE. I NEVER, EVER COMPARED THE TWO. I was simply pointing out how much my husband has done for his friends. I find that incredibly insulting.

I apologize--but you were the one comparing the two in your original post.

As a fundraiser for leukemia and knowing a child who has died and heard MANY painful stories from friends and athletes who run b/c their loved one died or going through chemo to beat the illness--I found it incredibly insulting to even bring it up.

I mean--good grief---I don't know why you are adopting and it is admirable that you are...but there are ways to offset costs privately and I feel that you will be allowing your mother to create a spectable and I offered my $.02 on what can be done differently.

You posted on a public forum and many on here admire that you are adding to your family via adoption.

However--I don't find it admirable to do a big fundraiser.

Oh--and I am not in the crowd that says if you can't afford to adopt, how can you afford to raise. So please don't lump me there.

The yard sale ideas were fantastic--figuring out ways to supplement your income is great. Having a BBQ, a raffle, or a gala, IMHO would be inappropriate.

I see your clarifications and I'm sorry you felt the need to yell and defend yourself on an internet forum.

Your mother has a big heart--but you need a more subtle approach as some here have suggested.


IMHO--it is a choice. It may not have been the choice you wanted to make in how you would have added to your family--but it is a choice. Nowhere have they shown that having a child will save your life. So it is not a cure. It is a solution--but it is NOT a cure.

I can picture the outrage now if someone posted a thread and changed adoption to IVF. That soooo would not have gone well.

I think people have tried to maintain decorum and respect, myself included. Coming back and shouting at people for their opinions based on your OP isn't really very nice.


Baby shower or low-key fundraisers (yard sales) would be your best bet IMHO.

Good luck to you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Golfgal, Ummmm, no, I do not think that most companies give adoption grants...
Also, yes most people DO get money to cover the costs of childbearing... it's called insurance. (there is medicare coverage for those who do not have insurance.) The Family Leave act also guarantees time off for childbearing.

I see this as another post that is the product of misinformation and misunderstanding.

 

[GoodFairies]

I don't see what the big deal is.

She is not asking for straight handouts. She is offering to provide a meal. It's like going to a restaurant, only in addition to food and drinks you get the satisfaction of knowing you are helping someone's dreams come true and giving a child a better life. I guess I just don't see what is wrong with that.

 

[In a hurry]

I would attend. I was blessed with being able to have children. Others aren't.

To adopt "older children here" is an ultilmate risk I personally would never take. I have seen too many fall through to the devestation of the parents. I have seen parents lied to about the mental health issues of these kids, or the health issues. The kids have been taken away at the 11th hour on several occasions because some idiot social worker didn't follow the rules.

Adoption is a huge expense, and if we knew someone (esp. if I thought they would make awesome parents) I would help support that decision in any way possible.

Good luck to you. It sounds as though you are doing everything in your power to make this happen, and I wish you all of the best.

 

[golfgal]

Golfgal, Ummmm, no, I do not think that most companies give adoption grants...
Also, yes most people DO get money to cover the costs of childbearing... it's called insurance. The Family Leave act also guarantees time off for childbearing.

I see this as another post that is the product of misinformation and misunderstanding.

Well, the companies that DH has worked for give $5000 for adoption costs and not everyone had maternity coverage on their insurance and not all costs are covered even if they have insurance. We had to pay $10,000 out of pocket for the twins for uncovered medical costs when they were born. I know several people around here that don't carry maternity coverage because it is VERY expensive and they are self insured. They pay their childbirth costs out of pocket.

 

[missypie]

I'm trying to consider how I would react if one of my neighbors was in your shoes. I would certainly go to a "shower" and give a cash gift if that was what was needed. I would be glad to join in a neighborhood garage sale where all the proceeds went to the neighbor's adoption. But for whatever reason, I wouldn't want to buy a ticket to a "fundraiser' that was called that.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

If it was a close friend or close family member I would be more than happy to help out. Chances are I would donate some money anonymously and wouldn't even need to be invited to a fund raiser. All children deserve to have happy homes.

Good luck, OP.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Lisa - I'm not picking on you, just using your view as an example here.

Although I don't think the fundraiser is a great idea, adoption as a choice is not as clear cut as it is being portrayed, and it's not really fair to say it is all that different than someone having a life-threatening illness.

Like lukemia, infertility is not a choice. If you have lukemia, you either spend thousands of dollars in treatments, or you die. If you are infertile, you spend thousands of dollars on treatments, you adopt, or you go through life childless - which is a bleak and depressing future to someone desparate to have a child.

Society places a lot of worth on the fight for life, is fighting to have a child that much different? I'm really just thinking out loud here. Anyone else?

Denae

I just didn't appreciate the equal weight given to the word "CURE".

Infertility isn't a choice--but it isn't going to kill you. I interpreted the OP as comparing it to people raising money for medical expenses.

You will not die being infertile. The choices out there are "solutions"--but they are not cures. The choice to have children is always a choice. Whether to try, whether to keep it, whether to give it up for adoption, whether to abort, whether to try treatment, whether to adopt.

And I don't fell being picked on. Just clarifying my POV on the liberal use of the word "cure".

She posed it as a "fundraiser". In my experience of "fundraisers"--I wouldn't go to one to help someone I don't know get a baby. Just like I don't go give a pack of diapers to every pregnant woman I see. There are low-key alternatives.

In my head--I'm picturing this big fundraiser--and I just don't feel it is appropriate.

 

[kdibattista]

I apologize--but you were the one comparing the two in your original post.

As a fundraiser for leukemia and knowing a child who has died and heard MANY painful stories from friends and athletes who run b/c their loved one died or going through chemo to beat the illness--I found it incredibly insulting to even bring it up.

I mean--good grief---I don't know why you are adopting and it is admirable that you are...but there are ways to offset costs privately and I feel that you will be allowing your mother to create a spectable and I offered my $.02 on what can be done differently.

You posted on a public forum and many on here admire that you are adding to your family via adoption.

However--I don't find it admirable to do a big fundraiser.

Oh--and I am not in the crowd that says if you can't afford to adopt, how can you afford to raise. So please don't lump me there.

The yard sale ideas were fantastic--figuring out ways to supplement your income is great. Having a BBQ, a raffle, or a gala, IMHO would be inappropriate.

I see your clarifications and I'm sorry you felt the need to yell and defend yourself on an internet forum.

Your mother has a big heart--but you need a more subtle approach as some here have suggested.


IMHO--it is a choice. It may not have been the choice you wanted to make in how you would have added to your family--but it is a choice. Nowhere have they shown that having a child will save your life. So it is not a cure. It is a solution--but it is NOT a cure.

I can picture the outrage now if someone posted a thread and changed adoption to IVF. That soooo would not have gone well.

I think people have tried to maintain decorum and respect, myself included. Coming back and shouting at people for their opinions based on your OP isn't really very nice.


Baby shower or low-key fundraisers (yard sales) would be your best bet IMHO.

Good luck to you.

Rereading my original post I can see where it may have been perceived that I compared. I apologize if it came across that way but that was not what I meant. I only brought them up to show what my husband has done to help out others... that's all. I have loved ones also with those conditions... hence the fundraisers and would never minimize their circumstances.

 

[Skywalker]

I wouldn't attend either. Presumably, you knew the cost of this going in and you chose to proceed. So, I would think it very strange to be "invited" to a fundraiser for such a thing.

I do admire you though.

 

[mickeyboat]

I just didn't appreciate the equal weight given to the word "CURE".

Infertility isn't a choice--but it isn't going to kill you. I interpreted the OP as comparing it to people raising money for medical expenses.

You will not die being infertile. The choices out there are "solutions"--but they are not cures. The choice to have children is always a choice. Whether to try, whether to keep it, whether to give it up for adoption, whether to abort, whether to try treatment, whether to adopt.

And I don't fell being picked on. Just clarifying my POV on the liberal use of the word "cure".

She posed it as a "fundraiser". In my experience of "fundraisers"--I wouldn't go to one to help someone I don't know get a baby. Just like I don't go give a pack of diapers to every pregnant woman I see. There are low-key alternatives.

In my head--I'm picturing this big fundraiser--and I just don't feel it is appropriate.

Lisa - agree with you on the lower key alternatives, disagree on the choice issue. It's what makes the world go 'round!

Denae

 

[In a hurry]

I apologize--but you were the one comparing the two in your original post.

As a fundraiser for leukemia and knowing a child who has died and heard MANY painful stories from friends and athletes who run b/c their loved one died or going through chemo to beat the illness--I found it incredibly insulting to even bring it up.

I mean--good grief---I don't know why you are adopting and it is admirable that you are...but there are ways to offset costs privately and I feel that you will be allowing your mother to create a spectable and I offered my $.02 on what can be done differently.

You posted on a public forum and many on here admire that you are adding to your family via adoption.

However--I don't find it admirable to do a big fundraiser.

Oh--and I am not in the crowd that says if you can't afford to adopt, how can you afford to raise. So please don't lump me there.

The yard sale ideas were fantastic--figuring out ways to supplement your income is great. Having a BBQ, a raffle, or a gala, IMHO would be inappropriate.

I see your clarifications and I'm sorry you felt the need to yell and defend yourself on an internet forum.

Your mother has a big heart--but you need a more subtle approach as some here have suggested.


IMHO--it is a choice. It may not have been the choice you wanted to make in how you would have added to your family--but it is a choice. Nowhere have they shown that having a child will save your life. So it is not a cure. It is a solution--but it is NOT a cure.

I can picture the outrage now if someone posted a thread and changed adoption to IVF. That soooo would not have gone well.

I think people have tried to maintain decorum and respect, myself included. Coming back and shouting at people for their opinions based on your OP isn't really very nice.


Baby shower or low-key fundraisers (yard sales) would be your best bet IMHO.

Good luck to you.

Maintaining decorum...give me a break. The OP had every right to be offended by the rude comments here. I suspect she is having a good cry at this point. You obviously had no problems conceiving. Good for you. Believe it or not, it isn't so easy for some others.

It is nice that you have raised money for a disease. Yes, people die, I've lost two sons, but here was someone wanting to make something good happen. your overreaction and insult were totally rude, IMO.

I would be thrilled to help someone do something good and positive. Hopefully the people in her real life are one hell of a lot nicer and supportive than those here.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Rereading my original post I can see where it may have been perceived that I compared. I apologize if it came across that way but that was not what I meant. I only brought them up to show what my husband has done to help out others... that's all. I have loved ones also with those conditions... hence the fundraisers and would never minimize their circumstances.

I think organizing a big baby shower (are you adopting a baby???) would be more appropriate.

And instead of registering--she can come up with an alternative clever way to ask for donations.

However--in one of your other posts--it seems you already are having a shower, so I guess that wouldn't work.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'm in the mixed feelings camp.
If it were a really close friend, I would probably donate a small amount. I'd honestly feel much more comfortable giving a gift of hotel/airline points -- that kind of thing.

If it were just an "acquaintance" type of person, I'd probably be kind of offended to be asked.

People tend to feel very touchy about money, me included.

 

[puffkin]

I think that asking for handouts would be tacky. In this situation, I do not think that this type of fundraiser is tacky at all.

If the OP is able to provide a suitable home and cleared all the day to day financial requirements to raise a child, I don't see the problem. I would never be able to afford $30,000 up front (or even half that) to adopt a child, but I could afford the day to day costs. I don't think adoption should have an income barrier when it comes to the upfront costs.....

As for those who say it is a choice, what about those fundraisers and charities for our armed forces? You see those all the time, at least in my area, to help out the families and stuff. That is a choice too, to serve this country, yet no one bats an eye at that. Also, this is nowhere close to being the same thing as paying for college or something like that!!!!!!!

As for if I would attend, I would look at who it is for. If the family has suffered infertility and could provide a good home and just doesn't have the upfront means, I would go. If they family does have the means (or has too many "luxuries") or is trying to adopt a girl after having 3 boys (for example) then I probably wouldnt' attend.

Best wishes in your adoption.