Would you forgive your partner if they confessed to a one-night stand?

[TomLovesBecky]

Exactly. It is so easy to say what you would do, when you have not been in that situation. I know someone who was adamant that cheating was a deal breaker. If she knew someone in that situation, it was all about throwing the bum to the curb. She was tough. Until..........she found out her husband was having an affair. She was so incredible. She refused to end the marriage, and worked so hard at getting back on track. It was amazing. She was heartsick and physically sick, but when faced with ending her 18 year marriage, she couldn't do it. She wasn't going to give her husband up to another woman, so she fought, and she fought hard. I have not been in touch with her for a few years, but last I knew they were doing great. They were almost back to a normal, happy family.

Ever since this happened, I have decided that I really don't know what i would do. I have stopped passing judgement the people who stay.

Bottom line, until you have walked in those shoes, you really don't know what you would do. JMO

That's the storybook ending. In reality, some of us KNOW we could not tolerate a cheater. Your friend was operating on the assumption that to give up an 18 year marriage would be worse than leaving someone who had disrespected her, humiliated her, and risked her life. I don't feel the same way. I think it's a very romanticized view of life, to think that your friend is a heroine for what she did. She made her choice, did what was best for her. I don't fault her for that. But I don't think that makes her better than anyone else. I think it makes her a human being with different fears, priorities, and choices than me. I don't pass judgment on those who stay, but I believe the VAST majority of American spouses would eventually end a marriage over infidelity. Divorce is so common these days that it's really not a stigma anymore, especially when the other spouse is the cheater and there is a socially acceptable "reason" to leave. I should know, I have been divorced (not because of cheating, however), and not one person ever made a disparaging remark about me being divorced. I know I felt like a failure for it for a while, but not because anyone said something to me. I would never feel pressure to stay with a cheater, and yes I know this 100%. Would it be hard on my kids, yes. I see what divorce, even though it was the right thing to do, has done to my older two. But that doesn't make it right to swallow that much anger and sadness and live everyday with the knowledge that my husband had sex with another woman and then came home and slept with me. Absolutely unforgivable in my eyes no matter how you slice it.

 

[MickeysMommy]

A big fat "NO"

 

[wendy darling]

Just because my answer was "I don't know" and maybe I could forgive but that I just don't know until it's actually happened to me and that it depends on the circumstances does NOT mean I don't have respect for myself.

Just wanted to say that.

I never said that you do not have respect for yourself, I was only talking about myself. You misread my post.

 

[beattyfamily]

I never said that you do not have respect for yourself, I was only talking about myself. You misread my post.

And I didn't say you were talking about me...and my post was to everyone.

If someone says "I have too much respect for myself to stay with someone who cheats", then just maybe the person who decides to stay, for whatever reason, may think that person thinks they have less respect for themselves by staying. I was just stating to everyone here that just because someone decides to stay, it doesn't mean they have less respect for themselves.

No worries.

 

[momto2girls]

But YOU wouldn't be the one destroying the marriage, the CHEATER destroys the marriage.

Cheating is also a dealbreaker for me and DH knows it.

Oh, I understand your point, but I guess I tend to be extremely practical. I like our life and I wouldn't be willing to throw it away if he had a one-night stand. It is extremely important to both of us that our children grow up with both of their parents in the same house (DH and I are both children of divorce). Plus, I would never, ever consider getting married (or even involved with someone else) again, so if I left this marriage, I would do it knowing that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Therefore, I just wouldn't be willing to throw it away over something like a one-night stand.

Of course I would never tell DH any of this. And because of his dating history and our long history together, I feel relatively confident that DH would not do this to me. I really hope that I never have to face it and to anyone who has.

 

[wendy darling]

And I didn't say you were talking about me...and my post was to everyone.

If someone says "I have too much respect for myself to stay with someone who cheats", then just maybe the person who decides to stay, for whatever reason, may think that person thinks they have less respect for themselves by staying. I was just stating to everyone here that just because someone decides to stay, it doesn't mean they have less respect for themselves.

No worries.

good, I never meant to offend you or anyone.

 

[robsmom]

--------------------

I agree.. With long-term counseling (to get at the root of why it happened to begin with) and a very strong effort on the part of the parties involved, it can be overcome and not mean the death of the marriage..

As I posted earlier - I know of several couples - up close and personal - and the fact that they are still together 20 to 30+ years later and happier than they were prior to the "incident", just points out that a blanket statement can't be made for all situations.. Knee jerk reactions are to just throw in the towel.. If ones marriage is important, they will do the hard work necessary to determine the "why's" and then make every effort to resolve the problem before deciding it's over..

I would like to think i could give my DH the benefit of the doubt and if he was remorseful and knew he made a mistake, that i could forgive him. I don't know for sure what i would do, but I do know one thing. I would hope I had somene like you (C. Ann) to talk with for advice. You seem to be such a wise and thoughtful woman.

 

[Terry36]

7 years ago DH had an affair and yes we are still together however I am finding it very difficult to fully trust him......I too am a product of divorced parents so I want to do all I can to ensure we make this work.

 

[scrump]

I wouldn't, I would never trust them again. Infidelity and dishonesty are deal breakers as far as I'm concerned.

would you???

It's very hard to say, but I don't think I could stay married if that were to happen.

But with time, yes, I would probably eventually learn to forgive.

 

[twoeeyy]

No !

This is the exact reason why I am currently going thru a divorce !!

 

[phinsphan]

NO WAY. I am divorced *since August* thanks to infidelity and lying about it from my ex. We both SWORE to each other that if we were unhappy enough to cheat we'd get out.............turns out that wasn't how it worked out but I thought he actually meant what he said. My ex had emotional and physical affairs and left me last year for a girl who he left after that and that was due to another affair he had with another woman who he has subsequently left and is now dating a married woman who refuses to tell her dh and my ex refuses to let a "good thing" go.

Once he cheated emotionally or physically our marriage ended. Unfortunately it took 10 years for the end to come about.

Cheaters suck! I'd never forgive or forget no matter what. Cheating when you are married requires at least some sense of thought either consciously or unconsciously. Either way they are deal breakers for me.....obviously as I am now divorced and a single mom.

 

[rie'smom]

I'd forgive. It would take a very long time to trust again.

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

It's really hard to say. If we were dating then I think I would end it. But if we had been married for a long time and it was a one time thing I think we could work it out.

The thing that would really be the deciding factor for me is how I found out. If he sat me down and said that he made a mistake we could talk about it and figure something out but if he was sneaking around and I caught him then it would be much harder for me.

 

[Soarin08]

It's really hard to say. If we were dating then I think I would end it. But if we had been married for a long time and it was a one time thing I think we could work it out.

The thing that would really be the deciding factor for me is how I found out. If he sat me down and said that he made a mistake we could talk about it and figure something out but if he was sneaking around and I caught him then it would be much harder for me.

For the second time tonight, I agree with you. If we were married, especially if children were in the marriage, I'd have to try and stick it out for my kids. But if we were dating.... I'd most likely break it off. I couldn't trust being married to them knowing they cheated on me while dating.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Yes, absolutely. My husband isn't perfect. Neither am I.

This is not to say I have ever cheated on him or that I believe he has ever cheated on me. I never have and I believe with all my heart he never would. BUT... This is the man I believe with all my heart and soul is the one man on earth meant for me. I know I'm not easy to live with. He's not either. I can't fathom either one of us being untrue to the other. We take our commitment VERY VERY SERIOUSLY. IF, BY SOME WILD STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION he were to be unfaithful, and he was truly remorseful (and I know he would be) I would give him the same mercy I would hope he would give me under those circumstances.

There is no doubt in my mind he is the only man on earth made for me. I know he has no doubt I am the only woman for him. I will do everything in my power to preserve that bond so long as any love and commitment remains between us.

 

[disykat]

I voted not sure. I don't believe in deal breakers with my husband any more than I believe in deal breakers with my children. For better and for worse and all that. That doesn't mean our marriage would survive it, but I would have to live the circumstances to predict the outcome.

I only have one close friend who has said "dealbreaker" when we conversed about that. Guess who's husband was unfaithful and who is still with him working through it? Given the details of her situation - it wasn't a one night stand - I would have ended it. But despite her previous convictions she is staying.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I'd forgive. It would take a very long time to trust again.

Me too. We've been married 28 years. It would take more than one indiscretion to end my marriage. I've found my soul mate and that only happens once in a lifetime.....if you're lucky. I have too much invested to give up over one mistake.

That being said....it doesn't mean I wouldn't make him suffer....for at least a little while.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

Of course I would forgive her. I would also take the kids to visit her grave ever week.

 

[Fintastic]

For those of you who have said your spouse is your One and Only, no matter what, would you really WANT to be with somebody who had cheated on you? How can somebody be your One and Only if they don't have any respect for you?

 

[EpcotBeauty]

Of course I would forgive her. I would also take the kids to visit her grave ever week.