Would you do this for a play date?

[NHdisneylover]

Okay play date is not a great term--but I am not sure what else to call it.

Mi kids are friends with siblings. About a week ago it got worked out that my DD and her friend (and the younger sister) will go swimming today and that the other mom will take them. The boys (my son and his friend--brother to the girls who will be swimming) want to go downtown to a special candy shop and then mini golfing and biking. I agreed to take them.

The line at the candy shop gets REALLY long (half hour to 45 minute waits are common in summer) so I asked that we trade kids earlier enough that we could leave for the candy shop and be there when it opens at 11:00. All was good.

This morning the other mom called to confirm the time and then did not show for over an hour (I called at one point she just said they were waiting on her son to clean his room and then would leave--fair enough but at least call me to let me know why you are late).

The boy was just dropped off. I was told (not asked) that her son was not behaving this morning and cannot leave the house (my house) to go to the candy shop/mini golf or lunch until he completes a 500 word essay. SO basically I am now in charge of making sure this essay gets done. Meanwhile my son cannot go do what he would like today because we are here waiting on the friend to write the essay. He and I are both hungry (having thought by now we would be done at the candy shop and eating lunch out), the candy shop will be hot and crowded and miserable and we may not have any time for mini golf.

Had it been me, I would have cancelled the get together all together (or cancelled the boys part in it actually as both kids can and do stay home alone so she could have still taken the girls swimming and left her son home). Had she done that I could have still taken my son out for a nice day without his friend.

Am I off base to be slightly ticked that my son and I are stuck here enforcing a consequence for this boy that has to do with something that occurred at his house before we even saw him today?

NOTE: I won't say anything to the mom or end the friendship or anything--I am just wondering if this is now a normal thing and I have missed it.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

I was reading along just fine until I hit the part where she dropped him off with an essay to be completed! Yowza!

I'm with you -- would have canceled the boys' outing and rescheduled. Glad she was being a firm mom, but IMO, she should have handled things with your family better.

 

[Kimberle]

I do not disapline my dd's friends. I would have not have him write the essay. I would have continued my with my day as planned. When I delivered him to his Mom, I'd tell her that I did not have him write an essay, I do not punish friends, and we continued with our day as planned. I really wouldn't care if she got "huffy". She should not have asked you to do such a thing, it was completely out of line. (Not to mention, a bit wierd.)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Were you able to go to the candy shop, play mini golf and eat out after he did the essay?

I guess now you know mom is flake and to watch it. If you send your kids to her house she is going to change the game at will.

Hopefully this was a fluke.

 

[monkeybug]

That's insane!
A play date is for both kids. If the child couldn't do the things that were planned for, then he should have been kept at home.
The only way I would ask another adult to carry out a punishment I had put in place is if I was PAYING them to babysit. Otherwise we would either cancel the play date (although I would feel like I was punishing the child we had plans with too in that case) or postpone the punishment until after the play date.
Who drops their kid off at a friends house with an essay assignment? Why not in the very least have him complete it at home before hand?

 

[johnsontrio]

Unbelievable!

 

[bellebud]

no, it's not normal. She totally overstepped boundries by imposing a punishment that also punished you and your ds. that's one of the wackiest "mommy" things I've ever heard.

If you've done things w/ them in the past, and she's never behaved this way, hopefully it's a fluke and won't happen again... but if this is how she behaves, I'd limit 'playdates' to things you have more control over, as in "we'll meet you at the movies at 2pm - if either of us are late, we'll meet inside the movies", so you're never stuck waiting on her again... even her saying "we're waiting for ds to clean his room before we leave the house" isn't right - I get where she was coming from (work first, play second), but she should have said to you right then and there "ds isn't doing what I told him to do, we'll have to cancel the playdate" or something like that. I personally would have just gone on-time, and dealt w/ ds when we got home... not impose what I perceive to be important on another whole family/other kids waiting to start an outing we all planned. She's honestly very rude, but I think doesn't know it.

 

[golfgal]

I didn't even like it when DH laid down a punishment for the kids that I had to enforce when he wasn't home, no way I would do that for someone else. I would have just told the mom that maybe it was best that you rescheduled both activities for a later date.

 

[MerMom60_94]

If it isn't too late I would do one of two things at this point: either I would leave the boy to do his essay at your house while I took my son to the candy store and for a bite to eat, or I would just go on with my original plans with the boys and return the boy to his mother later with an explanation you didn't feel you should punish your son by altering his plans. More likely I would do the latter. The mother is free to keep her son home the next day as a punishment but you and your son should not have to stay home and miss out on your day. I think this mother is way out of line. This isn't a cultural difference of some sort, is it (since you are in another country)?

 

[abdmom]

Did the mom do a wink-wink, nudge-nudge sort of thing as she was saying he has to write a 500 word essay?

 

[Liberty Belle]

Wow. That must be one hell of a candy shop.

The mother was being completely unfair to your child. When I dole out punishments, I try to make sure no other child is "being harmed." If my son has a birthday party to attend and misbehaves before the party, I don't make him stay home. It's not fair to the birthday boy. If he's playing a team sport, I don't take that away as punishment.

It's just not right, especially when the boys are as old as the ones in your scenario! Delaying punishment is not going to hurt them at all.

So not only is the other mother taking away from your son, but she's putting you in the position of making sure her does completes his punishment. That is absolutely ridiculous.

 

[okeydokey]

That's outrageous. I would never have let him stay at all. "No candy shop for your son? Well then, let's reschedule when your son can spend some time as we are going to the candy shop today. Bye bye."

 

[kristilew]

The mother was being completely unfair to your child. When I dole out punishments, I try to make sure no other child is "being harmed." If my son has a birthday party to attend and misbehaves before the party, I don't make him stay home. It's not fair to the birthday boy. If he's playing a team sport, I don't take that away as punishment.

.

I don't think there's anything wrong with our kids understanding that bad behavior affects others than just themselves. Knowing they've let down a friend or team is part of the discipline. Where this mother went wrong was in how she treated the OP.

She should have called as soon as she realized there was a behavior issue and said something along the lines of being so sorry that her son had chosen to ruin OP's son's day with his poor behavior, that he would not be able to attend the planned activities, and that in addition to any other punishment, he would be writing OP's son, and possibly OP as well, a letter of apology.

The way she did it, she basically wasted a good discipline opportunity and instead showed by example how to abdicate responsibility.

 

[Nancyg56]

That's outrageous. I would never have let him stay at all. "No candy shop for your son? Well then, let's reschedule when your son can spend some time as we are going to the candy shop today. Bye bye."

This is how I would have handled it.

 

[golfgal]

Wow. That must be one hell of a candy shop.

The mother was being completely unfair to your child. When I dole out punishments, I try to make sure no other child is "being harmed." If my son has a birthday party to attend and misbehaves before the party, I don't make him stay home. It's not fair to the birthday boy. If he's playing a team sport, I don't take that away as punishment.

It's just not right, especially when the boys are as old as the ones in your scenario! Delaying punishment is not going to hurt them at all.

So not only is the other mother taking away from your son, but she's putting you in the position of making sure her does completes his punishment. That is absolutely ridiculous.

If the mom kept the boy home, all 4 kids would have been punished because she would not have been able to take the girls swimming. I agree with you, the punishment should have been completed LATER or the even rescheduled.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

In all our playdates, I have never heard such an odd thing. I think I would have said, "let's do this another day then, my son was not misbehaving and won't be punished today, thanks." Otherwise I would have taken the boys and when I dropped him off I would have laughed and said, "I thought you were kidding!!!"

 

[dogluva]

Okay play date is not a great term--but I am not sure what else to call it.

Mi kids are friends with siblings. About a week ago it got worked out that my DD and her friend (and the younger sister) will go swimming today and that the other mom will take them. The boys (my son and his friend--brother to the girls who will be swimming) want to go downtown to a special candy shop and then mini golfing and biking. I agreed to take them.

The line at the candy shop gets REALLY long (half hour to 45 minute waits are common in summer) so I asked that we trade kids earlier enough that we could leave for the candy shop and be there when it opens at 11:00. All was good.

This morning the other mom called to confirm the time and then did not show for over an hour (I called at one point she just said they were waiting on her son to clean his room and then would leave--fair enough but at least call me to let me know why you are late).

The boy was just dropped off. I was told (not asked) that her son was not behaving this morning and cannot leave the house (my house) to go to the candy shop/mini golf or lunch until he completes a 500 word essay. SO basically I am now in charge of making sure this essay gets done. Meanwhile my son cannot go do what he would like today because we are here waiting on the friend to write the essay. He and I are both hungry (having thought by now we would be done at the candy shop and eating lunch out), the candy shop will be hot and crowded and miserable and we may not have any time for mini golf.

Had it been me, I would have cancelled the get together all together (or cancelled the boys part in it actually as both kids can and do stay home alone so she could have still taken the girls swimming and left her son home). Had she done that I could have still taken my son out for a nice day without his friend.

Am I off base to be slightly ticked that my son and I are stuck here enforcing a consequence for this boy that has to do with something that occurred at his house before we even saw him today?

NOTE: I won't say anything to the mom or end the friendship or anything--I am just wondering if this is now a normal thing and I have missed it.

I would not have waited an hour. I especially would not have agreed to enforce such a ridiculous punishment. I would have just done something with my own kids. She sounds a little self-centered to me and maybe you should rethink your friendship.

 

[cabanafrau]

I've had to discuss w/ DH the punishments he doles out because I generally felt like I was the one being punished along w/ the kids. No thanks.

This mother can't see beyond the end of her nose. She knew the arrangements for the day & should have seen to it that her son cleaned his room or didn't in a time that didn't conflict w/ your arrangements. I'm guessing he pulled the usual -- I will, I will & she picked that morning to reach her limit. No way should you or your son have been held hostage to their shenanigans.

The essay? I would have completed my own riveting selection on courtesy and consideration for her perusal.

 

[okeydokey]

If he is still there, I would take them on the scheduled trip. He can finish his punishment at his own house.

 

[pyrxtc]

I do not disapline my dd's friends. I would have not have him write the essay. I would have continued my with my day as planned. When I delivered him to his Mom, I'd tell her that I did not have him write an essay, I do not punish friends, and we continued with our day as planned. I really wouldn't care if she got "huffy". She should not have asked you to do such a thing, it was completely out of line. (Not to mention, a bit wierd.)

Totally agree.