Would you do this for a play date?

[Ceila]

If the mom kept the boy home, all 4 kids would have been punished because she would not have been able to take the girls swimming. I agree with you, the punishment should have been completed LATER or the even rescheduled.

Actually, the OP said that boys boys are old enough to be left alone at home (and have done so in the past). So the other mom could have easily left her son at home, taken the girls swimming, and the OP could have taken her son on the outing.

 

[Ceila]

No way should you or your son have been held hostage to their shenanigans.

This.

 

[luvmy3]

I would have rescheduled, in fact I've been in that situation and had to punish my dd once and she missed a planned day with friend. I didn't want to disappoint her friend, but disciplining my dd was my first priority. I would have never had dd go to the girls house and expect her mom to do it for me.

If I were in your position I would have just said lets reschedule and take my ds to the candy shop myself.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thanks everyone. This is actually my son's only American friend (DD has one other) and they are very much a part of the American community here--so I thought maybe things had chagned in the US while I wasn't looking Even before we came here the kids hung out with a pretty small group the last 4 years or so and I truly wasn't sure if this would strike others as normal. I appreciate knowing I am not totally off base.

Honestly, I was just taken so by surprise. DD was in the car, the boy was getting his bike in our garage and the can was cranked, mom rolled down the window and yelled out to her son that he had to write the essay before he left for candy/golf and then looked at me and said--"I gave him an assignemt becuase of his behaviour this morning" (in the same way you might say "He has $5 on him to pay for hiw way" or someting) and just drove off.

I know she uses essay writing as a punishment with her kids normally so it was not a joke (this bugs the heck out of me because I was an English teacher and making essays into punishment just makes our job harder but that is another thread).

Anyway, it took him about an hour to write the essay and then we went off. Luckily the candy shop only had a 20 minute line--it is our first sunny day in nearly two weeks so I think everyone wanted to be outdoors. This friend had never been to the shop and loved it so that is good.

We just got back from mini golf. We only had time to play one of the two courses (both had been planned) but at least they mostly got their day and I have a better idea of how to handle it if it happens again (the being late because one or more kids had not doe a job is fairly common, though not normally this late--even to girl scout meetings she runs; but they truly are nice people most of the time--I like them and my kids get along great with their kids). So anyway, it was not a lost day and now I know I am not crazy either

If the mom kept the boy home, all 4 kids would have been punished because she would not have been able to take the girls swimming. I agree with you, the punishment should have been completed LATER or the even rescheduled.

She could have left her son home alone (does it often) OR I could have taken the girls and my son swimming. I honestly would not have minded if she cancelled all together (though it is not something I will do--I do not allow my kids to inconvenience others at the last minute due to their issue but I know that really works as a strong deterrent for some kids and i do not blame parents who do it that way) but I just felt put put being the bad guy and then not even having the possibility of doing something else fun with my kids while we waited.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Bizarre.

 

[RitaZ.]

The mom has a lot of nerve expecting you to enforce her punishment. I've never heard of a parent imposing anything like this on another parent.

Keep the boy at home and punish him. It is her responsibility, NOT yours.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh and yes it is an amazing candy shop. SO quirky and truly feels like it is straight out of Harry Potter (but not selling anything like that and has been there 26 years and owned and operated by the same couple the whole time). If any of you ever come to Heidelberg go to the Zuckerladen. Seriously. Sugary fun at its best

 

[Katy Belle]

Glad it turned out ok and you got to do most of what was planned.AND you will be ready next time!

A similar thing happened to me a few years ago. It was the last week of school before summer. My DS, probably 12 at the time, had invited his best friend, Rob, to come home with him after school and spend the night. He had a new video game and their plan was to play video games. Well, the day before, I was chatting with Robs mom and she said, "Rob has lost all electronics for the weekend." I didn't know what to say, so he came anyway. My DS was disappointed, but we all survived.
Then several months later, it happened again, but it was a birthday party. We had a movie planned, before bed, at home. This time rob called my DS and told him he couldn't watch the movie. I called his mom and told her to pick him up before the movie, as I wasn't going to forbid him from watching with the other kids. She ended up letting him stay

Hang in there!

 

[scrapquitler]

I would just go on with my original plans with the boys and return the boy to his mother later with an explanation you didn't feel you should punish your son by altering his plans. More likely I would do the latter. The mother is free to keep her son home the next day as a punishment but you and your son should not have to stay home and miss out on your day. I think this mother is way out of line. This isn't a cultural difference of some sort, is it (since you are in another country)?

I agree with this. I would not be punishing my child (and myself) for something the other child did at home.

 

[Imzadi]

no, it's not normal. She totally overstepped boundries by imposing a punishment that also punished you and your ds. that's one of the wackiest "mommy" things I've ever heard.

I do not disapline my dd's friends.

I would just go on with my original plans with the boys and return the boy to his mother later with an explanation you didn't feel you should punish your son by altering his plans. More likely I would do the latter. The mother is free to keep her son home the next day as a punishment but you and your son should not have to stay home and miss out on your day. I think this mother is way out of line. This isn't a cultural difference of some sort, is it (since you are in another country)?

I agree with all of these.

You need to have a talk with the mother to let her know not to expect she can do this again.

 

[dislaney]

She's crazy! Glad you got to enjoy part of your day at least!

 

[MIGrandma]

The other Mom should have told you that her son was grounded so he would not be going with your son to the candy shop, lunch and mini-golf but would be staying at his own house. She could have still taken the girls swimming, and you could have had a nice day out with your son. Pretty nervy of her to drop him off at your house and say he couldn't go anywhere until he finished his 500 word essay.

 

[TLuvsD]

I'm glad you were able to rescue most of the day. I'd be prepared to deal with this mom in the future. If you think it would not cause a huge blow up how about talking with her over coffee...."I know the kids don't always behave, but I would prefer to not be in charge of punishments for your childern, and I don't want you to have to deal with punishments for mine. Let's work out a way to handle this that is comfortable for everyone."
If you think it would cause a blow up you don't want, well meet her at the event, or be prepared with some of the PP's comments.

 

[surfergirl602]

Okay play date is not a great term--but I am not sure what else to call it.

Mi kids are friends with siblings. About a week ago it got worked out that my DD and her friend (and the younger sister) will go swimming today and that the other mom will take them. The boys (my son and his friend--brother to the girls who will be swimming) want to go downtown to a special candy shop and then mini golfing and biking. I agreed to take them.

The line at the candy shop gets REALLY long (half hour to 45 minute waits are common in summer) so I asked that we trade kids earlier enough that we could leave for the candy shop and be there when it opens at 11:00. All was good.

This morning the other mom called to confirm the time and then did not show for over an hour (I called at one point she just said they were waiting on her son to clean his room and then would leave--fair enough but at least call me to let me know why you are late).

The boy was just dropped off. I was told (not asked) that her son was not behaving this morning and cannot leave the house (my house) to go to the candy shop/mini golf or lunch until he completes a 500 word essay. SO basically I am now in charge of making sure this essay gets done. Meanwhile my son cannot go do what he would like today because we are here waiting on the friend to write the essay. He and I are both hungry (having thought by now we would be done at the candy shop and eating lunch out), the candy shop will be hot and crowded and miserable and we may not have any time for mini golf.

Had it been me, I would have cancelled the get together all together (or cancelled the boys part in it actually as both kids can and do stay home alone so she could have still taken the girls swimming and left her son home). Had she done that I could have still taken my son out for a nice day without his friend.

Am I off base to be slightly ticked that my son and I are stuck here enforcing a consequence for this boy that has to do with something that occurred at his house before we even saw him today?

NOTE: I won't say anything to the mom or end the friendship or anything--I am just wondering if this is now a normal thing and I have missed it.

Umm... I absolutely would say something. She ruined your day and your plans, and you should not be responsible for carrying out the punishment of HER child! I would have continued on with my scheduled plans or told her to take her son home. You have every right to be ticked and honestly, she just trampled all over your friendship and took advantage of you!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Okay play date is not a great term--but I am not sure what else to call it.

Mi kids are friends with siblings. About a week ago it got worked out that my DD and her friend (and the younger sister) will go swimming today and that the other mom will take them. The boys (my son and his friend--brother to the girls who will be swimming) want to go downtown to a special candy shop and then mini golfing and biking. I agreed to take them.

The line at the candy shop gets REALLY long (half hour to 45 minute waits are common in summer) so I asked that we trade kids earlier enough that we could leave for the candy shop and be there when it opens at 11:00. All was good.

This morning the other mom called to confirm the time and then did not show for over an hour (I called at one point she just said they were waiting on her son to clean his room and then would leave--fair enough but at least call me to let me know why you are late).

The boy was just dropped off. I was told (not asked) that her son was not behaving this morning and cannot leave the house (my house) to go to the candy shop/mini golf or lunch until he completes a 500 word essay. SO basically I am now in charge of making sure this essay gets done. Meanwhile my son cannot go do what he would like today because we are here waiting on the friend to write the essay. He and I are both hungry (having thought by now we would be done at the candy shop and eating lunch out), the candy shop will be hot and crowded and miserable and we may not have any time for mini golf.

Had it been me, I would have cancelled the get together all together (or cancelled the boys part in it actually as both kids can and do stay home alone so she could have still taken the girls swimming and left her son home). Had she done that I could have still taken my son out for a nice day without his friend.

Am I off base to be slightly ticked that my son and I are stuck here enforcing a consequence for this boy that has to do with something that occurred at his house before we even saw him today?

NOTE: I won't say anything to the mom or end the friendship or anything--I am just wondering if this is now a normal thing and I have missed it.

Um, no, you and your son should not be stuck inside on a beautiful day because her son has a punishment assigned by her. He should do it when he gets home. I'd go out and enjoy the day.

 

[indimom]

Okay play date is not a great term--but I am not sure what else to call it.

Mi kids are friends with siblings. About a week ago it got worked out that my DD and her friend (and the younger sister) will go swimming today and that the other mom will take them. The boys (my son and his friend--brother to the girls who will be swimming) want to go downtown to a special candy shop and then mini golfing and biking. I agreed to take them.

The line at the candy shop gets REALLY long (half hour to 45 minute waits are common in summer) so I asked that we trade kids earlier enough that we could leave for the candy shop and be there when it opens at 11:00. All was good.

This morning the other mom called to confirm the time and then did not show for over an hour (I called at one point she just said they were waiting on her son to clean his room and then would leave--fair enough but at least call me to let me know why you are late).

The boy was just dropped off. I was told (not asked) that her son was not behaving this morning and cannot leave the house (my house) to go to the candy shop/mini golf or lunch until he completes a 500 word essay. SO basically I am now in charge of making sure this essay gets done. Meanwhile my son cannot go do what he would like today because we are here waiting on the friend to write the essay. He and I are both hungry (having thought by now we would be done at the candy shop and eating lunch out), the candy shop will be hot and crowded and miserable and we may not have any time for mini golf.

Had it been me, I would have cancelled the get together all together (or cancelled the boys part in it actually as both kids can and do stay home alone so she could have still taken the girls swimming and left her son home). Had she done that I could have still taken my son out for a nice day without his friend.

Am I off base to be slightly ticked that my son and I are stuck here enforcing a consequence for this boy that has to do with something that occurred at his house before we even saw him today?

NOTE: I won't say anything to the mom or end the friendship or anything--I am just wondering if this is now a normal thing and I have missed it.

I haven't read any of the other posts, but my opinion is:
Not Right. Did she even think about the fact that this was a FUN DAY for your child and now he is missing out??? Rude, in my opinion.
I will admit my sister has done this before. Brings her boys over (for babysitting, granted) and tells me they are not to have any electronics because they were sassy or whatever. I just don't like it much, although I've never commented on it. I feel like her punishments should stay at her house and let me handle things at my house. I also don't like it when I fill her in on any issues that occured during the day (and how I dealt with it), and she proceeds to punish them again for something I already dealt with.