Would you be upset?

[Momager]

Just to clarify a little... She has 3 daughters and 1 son. The son walked her down the isle, and her daughters (and 1 DIL) stood next to her and were included in everything. They went dress shopping together, planned everything out together. I asked at one point what her main color was for the wedding, and was told "its a surprise..." and wouldn't talk any more about it.
The rehearsal dinner was just for the people in the wedding party. The only reason I was invited was because my husband was in the wedding. My father made sure to tell me that. They handed out 'thank you" gifts to everyone in the party. I received nothing. I will say I forgot that one of her daughters is married, and her husband was also not included in the wedding - I forgot about him. We've only met her family 2-3 times, and always in a rush.

I was close with my father BECAUSE of my mother. She kept everyone together. Talking everything out with my husband lately, we've kinda come to the conclusion that my dad probably never wanted to have me, and that's why he's treating me (us) this way now - So he doesn't have to have us around anymore. My siblings are all from my mothers previous marriage and many years older than me. He only talks to 1 (out of 4) of them.


And just to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with....
I tried to have a sit-down with him a few months back telling him how much being excluded hurt me. He 100% felt he did nothing wrong and honestly couldn't care less when I said I was hurt. So I told him something I had never told anyone else (other than my husband)......
Years ago I went back to my high school and got every piece of paperwork that was ever written about me. I had a tough time growing up (I hated school, did terribly, and was bullied to the point of severe depression ). So I read what my guidance counselor wrote down after a meeting with my mother. She said that (I'm paraphrasing...) my dad was a great father, till I hit about 2 years old. Then he wanted nothing more to do with me.
So I tell my father this, and all he does is shrug. I asked him if he had any thoughts on that, and just continued to shrug. No facial expression, nothing.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I asked my father. He said because I wouldn't make a very good best man (being a female). Never wanted to ask his new wife..... Nothing good would have come from that.

When my son got married, he had a woman (best friend) on his side, and his wife had her best friend (a guy) on hers. It really was not a big deal. So that's no excuse.

Sorry you were left out, without explanation.

ETA: Reading your explanation, your father sounds wimpy and doesn't want to make waves with his new wife. I'm so sorry it's making what seems to be a strained relationship even worse.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, it sounds like your issues with your father run very deep and are probably clouding your feelings about this wedding.
In all honestly what you describe about the wedding does not sound out of the norm at all. Your father asked males to be his attendants, one of them being your dh, it doesn't appear he has any of his new wife's children as any of 'his" party. She picked her own dd's, and that is totally understandable.
There is no requirement stating your children have to be in your party or you have to have the children of your spouse in your wedding party.
It is very easy for me to look at this objectively and it is understandable that you do not and I can understand that you are upset about it, but it seems like this is just the culmination of years of issues between the two of you.
My dh had a not so great relationship with his father until my dh realized his father isn't going to change. He isn't going to suddenly become the father dh wants. If he wants to have any sort of relationship with him for the years he has left he just has to accept his father for who he is, not for who he wants him to be.

 

[monica9]

I would be upset, yes. But I would understand why your husband and kids were in it and not you (groomsmen, flower girl, etc). I do however think he should have thought about that and included you by at least doing a reading at the ceremony to be part of it. I'd feel better if asked to at least be somehow part of it.

 

[elaine amj]

Talking everything out with my husband lately, we've kinda come to the conclusion that my dad probably never wanted to have me, and that's why he's treating me (us) this way now - So he doesn't have to have us around anymore.

I am so VERY sorry you are feeling this way. That is a horrible way to feel and I really truly hope this is just a misunderstanding. If I was trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt though, I would wonder why he chose to include your husband as his groomsman if he didn't want to have you around anymore.

 

[Momager]

I would be upset, yes. But I would understand why your husband and kids were in it and not you (groomsmen, flower girl, etc). I do however think he should have thought about that and included you by at least doing a reading at the ceremony to be part of it. I'd feel better if asked to at least be somehow part of it.

My children were not asked to be in the wedding at all.

 

[RedAngie]

Never mind my father, I'd be more upset that my HUSBAND apparently has no problem with the arrangements.

 

[Momager]

Never mind my father, I'd be more upset that my HUSBAND apparently has no problem with the arrangements.

At first he excepted because we thought I would be next to be asked. Then when that never happened... it was to late for him to back out. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, and he would never do anything I wasn't okay with, and vice versa.
Plus we both knew if he ever backed out or said no, that would have been a HUGE fight with my father and his wife.

 

[ForMyBoys]

I would also be upset. Normally when a person remarries they consider the feelings of their children and go out of their way to include them, even if not as a bridesmaid then as a reader or usher. Or they should at least discuss the reason with you to ensure your feelings are considered.

From your last post it seems there are underlying issues with the relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[mjkacmom]

So the brude’s son was not a groomsman? No, I wouldn’t be upset. The bride selects women she is close to, the groom selects men he is close to. It doesn’t sound like the OP and the bride are that close. We selected one of DH’s nieces to be our flower girl, another niece (different parents) to be a junior bridesmaid, one of his sisters to be a bridesmaid, I also had my sister, one HS friend and one college friend. I don’t consider walking the bride down the aisle as a real part of the wedding. It sounds like dad is traditional.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Why shouldn't family come before tradition?

We don't have an issue of family vs tradition. We have an issue of family vs family. And it is that particular family member whose wedding it is that wanted it that way. Not wanting a Groomsmatron isn't anything I would put into the groomzilla category of unreasonableness. Therefore I wouldn't be insulted, bitter, or angry.

 

[Minnesota!]

Well, I wouldn't expect to stand up on the "male" side, and I wouldn't expect my new stepmom to pick me to be on the "female side" (or, at least, I would expect to be asked after her kids, her daughter in laws, friends, or grandkids.

I can see how it could hurt your feelings, but if you look at the traditional logistics of it, I can see the "whys"

 

[avengerspoilerer]

No I would not be upset because a wedding is not about ME. It is about the couple.

 

[VandVsmama]

This is a tough situation. I've been through something like this before myself when my father remarried after my mom died. My dad turned into a jerk. He wouldn't even tell us what his wedding date was and I still don't know...only that it's in September. After my mom died, he shipped all of our family pictures, all of the pictures of my kids that I'd given to them, and every single memento of his growing up, of my mom's growing up, and of the 2 of them together...boxed it all up and shipped it to me. He basically erased me & my sibling from his life. That was ~ 8-9 years ago. We talk on the phone a few times a year, but he never wants to visit us & never even picks up the phone to talk to me. The only times we talk is when I actually call him. If I'm lucky, I'll get a happy birthday text. He's even less involved with his grandchildren.

Here's my random thoughts about your situation in no particular order:

• Your dad sounds like a bit of a self-absorbed jerk.
• It doesn't sound like he cares all that much about your point of view.
• Maybe you should consider not trying so hard in your relationship with him. It is possible that he is not capable of, nor ever will be capable of, being a caring, loving, supportive father that you always hoped he'd be.
• Re: not having you as 1 of his wedding attendants - ok, on the 1 hand, I can understand his argument of "it's not traditional" and "it has to be a male groomsman." On the other hand, if he's not necessarily all about "tradition," then, well, his argument is kind of silly...and maybe it's his soon-to-be wife who's the traditionalist. In which case, he might be following the philosophy of "Happy wife, happy life" and doing whatever to make her happy. On the other hand, he might honestly really not give a rip about what YOU think or your opinions or feelings since this is his wedding, it's about him, and it's not about you or your feelings.
• Based on what you wrote earlier in the thread, it doesn't sound like he's exactly been a stellar dad who pays attention to you very much. Ok, so while your mom was sick & in the grieving period afterwards, you helped him a LOT! Very admirable. You're a caring & helpful person. You've clearly demonstrated to him through your actions that you love and care about him very much. It doesn't sound like he's done the same. Ever. Therefore, it would probably be unreasonable to expect him to start acting like he cares about you now.
• You should go to a therapist so you can sort out some of this.
• You should figure out what it really is that you want from your dad. You probably want what any person wants from his/her parent: unconditional love. For your dad to say to you something like "You're a great kid and I love you so much and I'm proud of you." Then you need to go talk to a therapist and come to terms with the reality that he will probably not ever be able to say that to you or demonstrate it to you.
• You also need to figure out how to realize that you are an awesome person regardless of what your dad thinks of you. Self-confidence, loving oneself, etc., etc. You don't need his affirmations of that because you already ARE all that. You already ARE all of those things DESPITE his lack of participation in your life so far.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I understand being hurt, but it could be following tradition. Years ago the groom picked his groomsmen and the bride picked the bridesmaids.

Yes i would be upset. BUT i would also understand why i wasnt asked, due to the reason above. The groomsmen pick the men, the bridge picks the bridesmaid. I'd want to be there supporting my dad 100%, ....but his wife-to-be?? Meh. Not so much.

 

[Momager]

This is a tough situation. I've been through something like this before myself when my father remarried after my mom died. My dad turned into a jerk. He wouldn't even tell us what his wedding date was and I still don't know...only that it's in September. After my mom died, he shipped all of our family pictures, all of the pictures of my kids that I'd given to them, and every single memento of his growing up, of my mom's growing up, and of the 2 of them together...boxed it all up and shipped it to me. He basically erased me & my sibling from his life. That was ~ 8-9 years ago. We talk on the phone a few times a year, but he never wants to visit us & never even picks up the phone to talk to me. The only times we talk is when I actually call him. If I'm lucky, I'll get a happy birthday text. He's even less involved with his grandchildren.

Here's my random thoughts about your situation in no particular order:

• Your dad sounds like a bit of a self-absorbed jerk.
• It doesn't sound like he cares all that much about your point of view.
• Maybe you should consider not trying so hard in your relationship with him. It is possible that he is not capable of, nor ever will be capable of, being a caring, loving, supportive father that you always hoped he'd be.
• Re: not having you as 1 of his wedding attendants - ok, on the 1 hand, I can understand his argument of "it's not traditional" and "it has to be a male groomsman." On the other hand, if he's not necessarily all about "tradition," then, well, his argument is kind of silly...and maybe it's his soon-to-be wife who's the traditionalist. In which case, he might be following the philosophy of "Happy wife, happy life" and doing whatever to make her happy. On the other hand, he might honestly really not give a rip about what YOU think or your opinions or feelings since this is his wedding, it's about him, and it's not about you or your feelings.
• Based on what you wrote earlier in the thread, it doesn't sound like he's exactly been a stellar dad who pays attention to you very much. Ok, so while your mom was sick & in the grieving period afterwards, you helped him a LOT! Very admirable. You're a caring & helpful person. You've clearly demonstrated to him through your actions that you love and care about him very much. It doesn't sound like he's done the same. Ever. Therefore, it would probably be unreasonable to expect him to start acting like he cares about you now.
• You should go to a therapist so you can sort out some of this.
• You should figure out what it really is that you want from your dad. You probably want what any person wants from his/her parent: unconditional love. For your dad to say to you something like "You're a great kid and I love you so much and I'm proud of you." Then you need to go talk to a therapist and come to terms with the reality that he will probably not ever be able to say that to you or demonstrate it to you.
• You also need to figure out how to realize that you are an awesome person regardless of what your dad thinks of you. Self-confidence, loving oneself, etc., etc. You don't need his affirmations of that because you already ARE all that. You already ARE all of those things DESPITE his lack of participation in your life so far.

Seeing that he never said that to me growing up... I guess I should get over thinking he might give a **** now... My brain KNOWS this. My heart... Not so much.

 

[Maggie Gallagher]

Say your father got remarried after your mother passed away (a few years after). In the wedding party is your husband, your brother, and the brides children and their spouses. You were not asked to be in the party.

Would you be upset by this?


And before you ask, I was very close with both my father and mother. While my mother was dying of cancer, I took care of her and took that burden off my father so he could work. I made sure (before and well after she passed) to have him over for dinner at least 2x a week, and stocked his freezer with meals for lunch and dinner when he didn’t come over.

Absolutely.

 

[Kae]

Massive Hugs. Our stories our pretty close I cared for my mom too. And my dad just told us he is getting married there is 3 of us girls. He told my niece-who is getting married this month, Me & my BIL in that order. My BIL told my one sister-his wife & I told my other sister-over a week had gone by and most people knew and my sister lives out of town & I was there. I feel he should have told us together and after my nieces wedding.

He used the venue with me the other day, I just kinda giggled.

Kae

 

[VandVsmama]

Seeing that he never said that to me growing up... I guess I should get over thinking he might give a **** now... My brain KNOWS this. My heart... Not so much.

It's totally normal to still want that, by the way!

 

[fortwildernessishome]

It all sounds logical and loving to me!

The bride asked her daughters and daughter in law to stand up for her and your Dad asked his son and your husband to stand up on his side.

The only way, I would be hurt with this situation is if your Dad had his brides family members stand up on his side and the bride didn't do the same. But, that didn't happen, they each asked their own family members to stand up with them.

I would be honored that my Dad asked my husband to be a groomsman.

The only thing that I find strange is that they told you, you wouldn't have been invited to the rehearsal dinner if your husband wasn't in the wedding. Seems like you should have been invited regardless of your husbands participation, since you are the daughter and rehearsal dinners are often times a good time for families to get together!

But either way, your feelings are hurt and for that, I feel for you.