Would you be upset?

[fortwildernessishome]

This is a tough situation. I've been through something like this before myself when my father remarried after my mom died. My dad turned into a jerk. He wouldn't even tell us what his wedding date was and I still don't know...only that it's in September. After my mom died, he shipped all of our family pictures, all of the pictures of my kids that I'd given to them, and every single memento of his growing up, of my mom's growing up, and of the 2 of them together...boxed it all up and shipped it to me. He basically erased me & my sibling from his life. That was ~ 8-9 years ago. We talk on the phone a few times a year, but he never wants to visit us & never even picks up the phone to talk to me. The only times we talk is when I actually call him. If I'm lucky, I'll get a happy birthday text. He's even less involved with his grandchildren.

Yikes!!!! That is terrible!!! Its hard to imagine someone treating their children like this!!! How, terribly sad.

However, your situation sounds much different than the OP's situation. Her Dad is not hiding his wedding date and asked her husband (who I assume is the love of her life) to be in the wedding. He sounds like a Dad that still wants a relationship. If he didn't, he certainly wouldn't have included the husband.

Is her Dad the Father of the Year? Probably not.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is a tough situation. I've been through something like this before myself when my father remarried after my mom died. My dad turned into a jerk. He wouldn't even tell us what his wedding date was and I still don't know...only that it's in September. After my mom died, he shipped all of our family pictures, all of the pictures of my kids that I'd given to them, and every single memento of his growing up, of my mom's growing up, and of the 2 of them together...boxed it all up and shipped it to me. He basically erased me & my sibling from his life. That was ~ 8-9 years ago. We talk on the phone a few times a year, but he never wants to visit us & never even picks up the phone to talk to me. The only times we talk is when I actually call him. If I'm lucky, I'll get a happy birthday text. He's even less involved with his grandchildren.

Here's my random thoughts about your situation in no particular order:

• Your dad sounds like a bit of a self-absorbed jerk.
• It doesn't sound like he cares all that much about your point of view.
• Maybe you should consider not trying so hard in your relationship with him. It is possible that he is not capable of, nor ever will be capable of, being a caring, loving, supportive father that you always hoped he'd be.
• Re: not having you as 1 of his wedding attendants - ok, on the 1 hand, I can understand his argument of "it's not traditional" and "it has to be a male groomsman." On the other hand, if he's not necessarily all about "tradition," then, well, his argument is kind of silly...and maybe it's his soon-to-be wife who's the traditionalist. In which case, he might be following the philosophy of "Happy wife, happy life" and doing whatever to make her happy. On the other hand, he might honestly really not give a rip about what YOU think or your opinions or feelings since this is his wedding, it's about him, and it's not about you or your feelings.
• Based on what you wrote earlier in the thread, it doesn't sound like he's exactly been a stellar dad who pays attention to you very much. Ok, so while your mom was sick & in the grieving period afterwards, you helped him a LOT! Very admirable. You're a caring & helpful person. You've clearly demonstrated to him through your actions that you love and care about him very much. It doesn't sound like he's done the same. Ever. Therefore, it would probably be unreasonable to expect him to start acting like he cares about you now.
• You should go to a therapist so you can sort out some of this.
• You should figure out what it really is that you want from your dad. You probably want what any person wants from his/her parent: unconditional love. For your dad to say to you something like "You're a great kid and I love you so much and I'm proud of you." Then you need to go talk to a therapist and come to terms with the reality that he will probably not ever be able to say that to you or demonstrate it to you.
• You also need to figure out how to realize that you are an awesome person regardless of what your dad thinks of you. Self-confidence, loving oneself, etc., etc. You don't need his affirmations of that because you already ARE all that. You already ARE all of those things DESPITE his lack of participation in your life so far.

This is, essentially, exactly what I was going to say, especially including the counseling. It sounds like there are some longstanding issues there and you need to learn how to grieve the - I hesitate to say loss (though in some ways it is); I'm going to say redefinition - of the relationship between the two of you. Sometimes putting some space between you can help you to see things better. It's his loss, really. You sound like a wonderful daughter and deserve to have his love, but it doesn't sound like he's able to give it for whatever reason. Therefore you have to protect yourself from further hurt. This is something a counselor can help you put in perspective so you can move forward. I'm so glad you have a wonderful husband, and children. It's a sad situation, but you can rise above it. Big hugs. I know it's difficult, but try to put this wedding fiasco behind you, it's not even worth it.

 

[DisneyOma]

It all sounds logical and loving to me!

The bride asked her daughters and daughter in law to stand up for her and your Dad asked his son and your husband to stand up on his side.

The only way, I would be hurt with this situation is if your Dad had his brides family members stand up on his side and the bride didn't do the same. But, that didn't happen, they each asked their own family members to stand up with them.

I would be honored that my Dad asked my husband to be a groomsman.

The only thing that I find strange is that they told you, you wouldn't have been invited to the rehearsal dinner if your husband wasn't in the wedding. Seems like you should have been invited regardless of your husbands participation, since you are the daughter and rehearsal dinners are often times a good time for families to get together!

But either way, your feelings are hurt and for that, I feel for you.

I thought the OP stated that the bride's children and their spouses were in the wedding? This is the part that is wrong - if the bride gets to have the spouses of her children in the wedding party, why isn't the groom's daughter included?

 

[Christine]

I thought the OP stated that the bride's children and their spouses were in the wedding? This is the part that is wrong - if the bride gets to have the spouses of her children in the wedding party, why isn't the groom's daughter included?

I have yet to see where the bride's children's spouses are actually in the wedding. I know the OP said that, but I'm having trouble finding what their role was through the posts.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Just to clarify a little... She has 3 daughters and 1 son. The son walked her down the isle, and her daughters (and 1 DIL) stood next to her. I will say I forgot that one of her daughters is married, and her husband was also not included in the wedding - I forgot about him. We've only met her family 2-3 times, and always in a rush.

I thought the OP stated that the bride's children and their spouses were in the wedding? This is the part that is wrong - if the bride gets to have the spouses of her children in the wedding party, why isn't the groom's daughter included?

She didn't say that. The DIL was included, the SIL was not. So her Dad did NOT have any of the brides family standing up with him.

If the Dad did have men on the brides side stand up with him and the bride did not include the OP, then that would be unfair. But that didn't happen. The bride had her family stand with her and the groom had his family stand with him.

I don't see anything mean spirited and would not have blinked an eye in this situation.

 

[DisneyOma]

She didn't say that. The DIL was included, the SIL was not. So her Dad did NOT have any of the brides family standing up with him.

If the Dad did have men on the brides side stand up with him and the bride did not include the OP, then that would be unfair. But that didn't happen. The bride had her family stand with her and the groom had his family stand with him.

I don't see anything mean spirited and would not have blinked an eye in this situation.

So she had the DIL, but the groom's daughter is left out? I still think this is very rude of the bride and groom.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

So she had the DIL, but the groom's daughter is left out? I still think this is very rude of the bride and groom.

Personally, I don't see the big deal, but to each their own.

I would have been bothered if her Dad had asked either of his soon to be son in laws in the wedding and then the bride didn't ask her soon to be daughter in law in the wedding. The bride and groom just stuck to asking their respective family members to stand up for them.

Seems fair to me.

 

[Searc]

At first he excepted because we thought I would be next to be asked. Then when that never happened... it was to late for him to back out. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, and he would never do anything I wasn't okay with, and vice versa.
Plus we both knew if he ever backed out or said no, that would have been a HUGE fight with my father and his wife.

The fight and possible resulting fractured relationship would be worth standing up for my spouse.

 

[HopperFan]

Weddings .... can guarantee to bring out the best & worst in folks, whether it's the bride, groom, parents, bridal party or guests. Add in extra factors like second weddings, kids, family traditions, age .... it can get even worse.

I've read through ... so just some thoughts ~
- I have no issue with who they selected to be in the wedding and that you were not in the wedding. I think particularly with older people bringing older children in to the situation, it makes sense to have no what I call "token" attendants aka other's people. Have you own sisters, daughters, friends. I actually preferred when my DM got remarried later in age - NO attendants, they just aren't necessary. It sounds like your father selected your DH to represent your family because he is a male. He probably thought no deeper than that. If he truly didn't want you there or have you involved, he wouldn't have asked your DH. From your description of him it doesn't sound like he would feel pressed to do something he didn't want to do so he could have just left you all out.
- There is no reason for his wife to include you in dress shopping etc if you are not in the wedding. Just like I don't think brides have to bring their future MIL along to shop. Some do it because they would like to or have that relationship, but many or most probably do not. The fact that she was not willing to tell you a color stood out to me because honestly if she was just concerned about you picking a like color then she should have said "Periwinkle, so I would appreciate you pick (insert colors) for our family photos." It sounds like she was concerned you would pick the same color (rather than think it through).
- Could it be that she is the problem on how things have ended up in terms of wedding day? Sometimes there are people that try to do the right thing but don't have the "backbone" especially in situations like this to follow through. Do you think possibly your Dad mentioned her asking you, she refused, so he asked your DH? Do you think his response that you wouldn't be at Rehearsal Dinner if you DH wasn't in wedding was because SHE wouldn't have invited you? Do you think her refusing to tell you color was because he may have asked if you could be in the wedding? You say he didn't want to ask wife things .... or maybe he had and it hadn't gone well.
- I understand the stressed relationship at this point but going back to after your Mom passed ... in my mind if he really didn't care for you or wanted to be around you ... why would he show up so much for dinner at your house. I would think he would find excuses and quickly stop coming. You say he doesn't speak to other siblings ... I get they are from another marriage but obviously he has been in family long enough to have a relationship with them. Could it be your Dad is really really bad at expressing emotions, at being loving, at cultivating relationships? You can't judge just because he was and is getting married again, it could be a very superficial relationship or one where she went after him. Or maybe she is putting a wall up that "he is joining her family" and wants them put first. We've all seen that.

At this point I would put the wedding behind you, given all the parameters, I wouldn't be upset at all. What would upset me is the small hints that possibly the wife is behind all this and he didn't stand up for me. At that point I would put some distance between us, not expect anything from him. I would continue to send birthday and holiday cards, text and call on holidays and random times. If he doesn't answer leave a positive message. I would have my kids touch base and if my kids had any special activities I would put the invite out there. I would stay on the high road and whatever you get back .... that is now on him. Your focus needs to be on your family, your kids and your own self-esteem that it's not you, it's him.