Would you be upset?

[DisneyMom81]

Your sick with (possibly) the flu. Your DH leaves around 8am to go play softball leaving you with the kids. DH calls 3 hours later saying that the games are over, but theres another set of games they want/need him for. Hes asking you if he can play the extra games. Yes, I knew about these games previously, but DH had said that he wouldn't play in them. One set of games was enough for him. Anyway... What do you say? Would you be upset of he played the extra games, or just tell him to do whatever he wants. If you tell him to do whatever he wants, and then stays and plays, would you be upset?

 

[JoiseyMom]

Upset...yes! If you are sick and have kids, he should be home taking care of you and them!!!

Next time he is sick...remind him of this and tell him where to go when he wants water, hot tea, or anything!

 

[Magic Mom]

If I was really sick and the kids were babies, then I would ask him to come home.
Buit if I told him he could play, then why would I be mad at him? That's playing games.

 

[JESW]

It would depend on the ages of the kids and how much I would still need to do for them. My kids are now 10 & 14 so they wouldn't need me as much now as they did when they were 1 & 5 or so....

Jill

 

[mtemm]

I had the flu a year and a half ago and I learned then I needed to tell my husband what I needed. I used to just wonder why he wouldn't just know, or why he would even think it was okay to go play softball (like in your case) and such. no more. I have learned to say, I NEED you to take care of the kids or to find someone who can. still hard for me, but it works much better for both of us when I do it.

and yep, if you tell him to do what he wants, then why be upset when he does? (although I know I would quietly fume when I didn't tell him what I needed and just wished he would catch a clue already). like I said, much better all around to be clear.

 

[NMAmy]

If the kids were little then I would have asked him to stay to begin with. But it's not fair to be mad at someone if they were told to do whatever they wanted. Too passive aggressive for my taste. If I'd asked him to come home and then he stayed anyway, yeah, then I'd be ticked.

 

[freckles and boo]

Your sick with (possibly) the flu. Your DH leaves around 8am to go play softball leaving you with the kids. DH calls 3 hours later saying that the games are over, but theres another set of games they want/need him for. Hes asking you if he can play the extra games. What do you say? Would you be upset of he played the extra games, or just tell him to do whatever he wants. If you tell him to do whatever he wants, and then stays and plays, would you be upset?

Telling him to do what he wants is a set up for failure (he WANTS to play softball) and kind of passive-aggressive. If he knew you were sick when he walked out the door he should have just said "Sorry, guys. I have to get home". When he called I would have said "I feel like crap and need you to take over here so I can get some rest". My husband is a big baby when he gets sick so I don't have a problem insisting that he pull his weight when I don't feel well.

 

[diznygirl]

I understand the feeling that he shouldn't even have to ask - but since he is asking you have to tell him the truth. Don't for a minute think he doesn't know what he can get away with.

 

[DisneyMom81]

I'm in a damned if you do damned if you don't place here. He knows how sick I am, and that the kids are getting it to. He left this morning, and I had no problem with it. He knew he had said (before anyone was sick) that he had no desire to play the second set of games, and would be leaving, but now all of the sudden, he wants to play them. He called for me to tell him what to do, and I refused to do that - hes an adult and he can make his own decisions. I told him to do whatever he wants, and made an excuse to get off the phone. He called back about a minute later to say "happy now, I'm coming home." I said to him that I had told him that I didn't care, and do whatever you wanted, and he said to me that he KNOWS when I say that it means come home
So now I'm sick, and upset. Not only because he couldn't care less that myself and at least one of our kids is sick, but now because its MY fault that he HAD to leave his precious game. I know darn well that I would never go to a sporting event or mall or whatever if I knew everyone in my home was sick. And its not like he just got there - hes been out of the house playing for over 3 hours. Oh well, I have nothing else, I guess I really know where I/we rank on his list of importance.

ETA - My little ones are 2 & 4

 

[mjkacmom]

How old are the kids? My kids now range from 6 - 13, so they're pretty self-sufficient. However, if they were younger, I'd have no problem asking him to come home.

 

[RadioNate]

Yes, I'd be upset that my DH had the nerve to call and ask if it was ok to play in extra games after he told me that he wasn't going to. BUT I would also tell him that I needed him to come home. If he decided to stay and play anyway, I'd be seriously mad!

I have however stopped playing the passive aggressive games. I wouldn't say "do whatever" and then fume that he stayed. It is a test they are destined to fail.

 

[DisneyMom81]

Telling him to do what he wants is a set up for failure (he WANTS to play softball) and kind of passive-aggressive. If he knew you were sick when he walked out the door he should have just said "Sorry, guys. I have to get home". When he called I would have said "I feel like crap and need you to take over here so I can get some rest". My husband is a big baby when he gets sick so I don't have a problem insisting that he pull his weight when I don't feel well.

Who exactly is being passive-aggressive here? The fact that he knows he should come home, but still asking for "permition" to stay out? Or the fact that I simply wouldn't answer the question?

 

[freckles and boo]

Who exactly is being passive-aggressive here? The fact that he knows he should come home, but still asking for "permition" to stay out? Or the fact that I simply wouldn't answer the question?

Sounds like both of you are being immature. He is trying to make you the bad guy. You are getting mad because he should be able to read your mind. I realized a while ago that my husband really doesn't always "get it" and needs to be reminded sometimes.

I hope you feel better soon!!! This probably isn't helping, is it?

 

[DisneyMom81]

Yes, I'd be upset that my DH had the nerve to call and ask if it was ok to play in extra games after he told me that he wasn't going to. BUT I would also tell him that I needed him to come home. If he decided to stay and play anyway, I'd be seriously mad!

I have however stopped playing the passive aggressive games. I wouldn't say "do whatever" and then fume that he stayed. It is a test they are destined to fail.

I totally agree - but what should I have said when he asked if he could stay. He KNOWS I wouldn't want him to stay, he knows that damn well, hence the reason he asked!! I just don't know what else to say other than "do whatever you want to do, I don't really care." I don't want to be the ***** and say get your ### home or else, KWIM, but to him, telling him "do whatever you want to do, I don't really care" was the same thing. KWIM

 

[daisyduck123]

I would tell him first thing to come home. He's got family responsibilities here.

I would tell him "You need to stick to YOUR original plan". That's reminding him that that is what he had planned to do all along.

 

[Linzybrooke]

I'm in a damned if you do damned if you don't place here. He knows how sick I am, and that the kids are getting it to. He left this morning, and I had no problem with it. He knew he had said (before anyone was sick) that he had no desire to play the second set of games, and would be leaving, but now all of the sudden, he wants to play them. He called for me to tell him what to do, and I refused to do that - hes an adult and he can make his own decisions. I told him to do whatever he wants, and made an excuse to get off the phone. He called back about a minute later to say "happy now, I'm coming home." I said to him that I had told him that I didn't care, and do whatever you wanted, and he said to me that he KNOWS when I say that it means come home
So now I'm sick, and upset. Not only because he couldn't care less that myself and at least one of our kids is sick, but now because its MY fault that he HAD to leave his precious game. I know darn well that I would never go to a sporting event or mall or whatever if I knew everyone in my home was sick. And its not like he just got there - hes been out of the house playing for over 3 hours. Oh well, I have nothing else, I guess I really know where I/we rank on his list of importance.

ETA - My little ones are 2 & 4

This has been a fight that my hubby and I have had since we got married, and that I am working to stop doing. I also have a tendancy to just say, "fine, do whatever you want" which translates to "I'm angry at you for making the wrong decision and asking my permission, because I think if you have to ask then you know the answer." It makes my DH angry that I play that game, and he has a right to be. If I REALLY need him to come home, or do this over that, then I need to grow up and tell him, he can't read my mind, and he isn't that intuitive when it comes to how I might be feeling. Now, we don't have kids yet, so its a touch different, but I understand how frustrating it is for him to not get a real answer from me when he genuinely wants to know if something is okay. For all he knows I'm feeling better, or just want to take a nap, so why does he need to be home for that. He isn't asking to start a fight, he is asking because he genuinely wants to know what my opinion is. So, if I respond with a "do what you want" answer then he is free to do what he wants, even if he knows that it isn't what I actually meant because I should be big enough to be honest with him. He gave me the courtesy of asking, so I should give him the courtesy of a real answer. Its hard, I'm very, very slowly getting better about it, but it has really helped our relationship.

 

[DisneyMom81]

This has been a fight that my hubby and I have had since we got married, and that I am working to stop doing. I also have a tendancy to just say, "fine, do whatever you want" which translates to "I'm angry at you for making the wrong decision and asking my permission, because I think if you have to ask then you know the answer." It makes my DH angry that I play that game, and he has a right to be. If I REALLY need him to come home, or do this over that, then I need to grow up and tell him, he can't read my mind, and he isn't that intuitive when it comes to how I might be feeling. Now, we don't have kids yet, so its a touch different, but I understand how frustrating it is for him to not get a real answer from me when he genuinely wants to know if something is okay. For all he knows I'm feeling better, or just want to take a nap, so why does he need to be home for that. He isn't asking to start a fight, he is asking because he genuinely wants to know what my opinion is. So, if I respond with a "do what you want" answer then he is free to do what he wants, even if he knows that it isn't what I actually meant because I should be big enough to be honest with him. He gave me the courtesy of asking, so I should give him the courtesy of a real answer. Its hard, I'm very, very slowly getting better about it, but it has really helped our relationship.

Thanks so much for your post. Just adding a few things - being home sick is one thing, being home sick with sick kids is another!!!! LOL
Second, DH KNOWS he should have come home. He does this all the time. I'm not being a witch or ogar, or anything. I had no problem with him going out for the first set of games (which took 3 hours) but wanting to play another set, to me, its just to much. JMO

 

[Linzybrooke]

Thanks so much for your post. Just adding a few things - being home sick is one thing, being home sick with sick kids is another!!!! LOL
Second, DH KNOWS he should have come home. He does this all the time. I'm not being a witch or ogar, or anything. I had no problem with him going out for the first set of games (which took 3 hours) but wanting to play another set, to me, its just to much. JMO

I totally understand! We are expecting a baby in two weeks, so I'm trying to imagine this situation for myself relatively soon! Hugs to you!

 

[DisneyMom81]

I totally understand! We are expecting a baby in two weeks, so I'm trying to imagine this situation for myself relatively soon! Hugs to you!

Oh congrats on the baby-to-come. They are a handfull, but the best kind of handfull you could ever ask for.








Husbands on the other hand......

 

[RadioNate]

I totally agree - but what should I have said when he asked if he could stay. He KNOWS I wouldn't want him to stay, he knows that damn well, hence the reason he asked!! I just don't know what else to say other than "do whatever you want to do, I don't really care." I don't want to be the ***** and say get your ### home or else, KWIM, but to him, telling him "do whatever you want to do, I don't really care" was the same thing. KWIM

I really do see your point. BTDT, a lot.

However, like Linzybrooke below has pointed out. Someone has to stop this cycle.

What else you say is "no, I need you to come home." Yes, he might be annoyed. However, he'll get over it.

You can't say "I don't really care" because you DO care. It isn't fair. Yes, he should 'get it,' he should understand but men don't work that way.

This has been a fight that my hubby and I have had since we got married, and that I am working to stop doing. I also have a tendancy to just say, "fine, do whatever you want" which translates to "I'm angry at you for making the wrong decision and asking my permission, because I think if you have to ask then you know the answer." It makes my DH angry that I play that game, and he has a right to be. If I REALLY need him to come home, or do this over that, then I need to grow up and tell him, he can't read my mind, and he isn't that intuitive when it comes to how I might be feeling. Now, we don't have kids yet, so its a touch different, but I understand how frustrating it is for him to not get a real answer from me when he genuinely wants to know if something is okay. For all he knows I'm feeling better, or just want to take a nap, so why does he need to be home for that. He isn't asking to start a fight, he is asking because he genuinely wants to know what my opinion is. So, if I respond with a "do what you want" answer then he is free to do what he wants, even if he knows that it isn't what I actually meant because I should be big enough to be honest with him. He gave me the courtesy of asking, so I should give him the courtesy of a real answer. Its hard, I'm very, very slowly getting better about it, but it has really helped our relationship.