would you be upset?

[crazy4disney01]

I'll try to make this quick and the situation hopefully understandable...

Today was Grandparent's Day at my DD's school. My mom and dad didn't come. My brother has cancer and they have been staying with him to help (he has a family and is 30 y/o). My brother is lots better and ready to get back to normal life. My mom called me and said she was back at work this week and that she would have to take the whole day off to come and she didn't call to respond by the deadline on the invite. So, needless to say, she didn't want to come and she didn't want to take the time or bother with it is how I feel. My brother and his family are suppose to be coming to her house this weekend, so I feel she wanted to clean her house and wait on them instead of coming to see my DD at school. My DH is mad and the more I think of it the more mad I am about it.

When I spoke to my mom, I tried to be polite and understanding, but when I think about it I feel more outrage. They send my DD stuff in the mail but don't want to take the time to spend with her. I feel like I can't make them do it if they don't want to, so whenever they want to see her, they can, but if she isn't close to them, when she understands what is going on it won't hurt her feelings (she's almost 5 y/o).

Should I feel mad or disappointed? It doesn't help to talk to her because she is "perfect, and never makes a mistake. " She will make excuses for her actions or turns it on you and make it your problem.
Thanks for letting me vent and for your opinions!! When I have a grandbaby, I'll definately NOT make the mistakes my parents and in-laws make!! Oh, We are going to a surprise WDW trip in November and will miss Thanksgiving with them, so that's a little payback!!

 

[lindalinda]

Well if your brother has cancer and she has been staying with him and helping him, and just got back to work, maybe she couldnt take the time off. I know at my job I certainly couldnt. And maybe she needed a little time to herself after spending time away. I dont think I would be mad at her. I would continue inviting her to events and hope she can come to the next one.

 

[FreshTressa]

Well if your brother has cancer and she has been staying with him and helping him, and just got back to work, maybe she couldnt take the time off. I know at my job I certainly couldnt. And maybe she needed a little time to herself after spending time away. I dont think I would be mad at her. I would continue inviting her to events and hope she can come to the next one.

Yes, same thoughts here. I would not be mad in the least. She just got back to work and who knows what kind of time she will have to take off of work in the future for her son.

 

[daisyduck123]

I honestly would not be upset with my mother either. She has had a lot on her mind lately. Could you have gone to the school in her place? At my school, we used to call it "Grandparents' Day" but years ago changed it to "Special Friends' Day" because so many grandparents couldn't make it & the kids were having aunt, uncles, babysitters, come instead anyway. Anyone is welcome to come!

 

[luvmydogs]

I am not trying to minimize your feelings at all but in this case I would try to give your mom the benefit of the doubt. It sounds as though your entire family has had a lot on your collective plates, and she may have just needed (and deserved) some time to get her life back in order.

I'd keep inviting her to school functions, and if her turning down those invites becomes the norm rather than the exception, then I'd have a talk.

I am glad that your brother is doing so well!

 

[snowy76]

We had a health scare with DS when he was born and my DH could only take a certain amount of time off before he started to feel like he was imposing on his boss and co-workers. Maybe that's the situation your mom is in. I think it's nice that she helped out your brother so much. I lost my aunt to cancer two months ago and my grandfather before that. It can be a scary time.

Don't worry about it too much. There will be many other school events in the future. I don't think this is one to get upset over. Although if I can speak my mind, is it really about this one incident? Maybe you should be having a different conversation with your mom because it seems to be deeper than this one thing.

Good luck!

 

[Frantasmic]

I don't know, but it seems your parents favoring your brother isn't just a recent occurence, nor has it coincided with his illness. Is that correct?

If you jockeyed for your parents' favor all your life, this might just be an extension.

 

[DawnCt1]

In all fairness I think your mom has enough on her plate. Whether she felt that she couldn't take any more time off from work or just felt she needed to stay home, clean her house, which also translates into doing what she needs to do to feel organized and settled, you should understand that. Give her a hug when you see her. She is worried about her son who has cancer.

 

[inaminute]

Under these circumstances, I would not be upset in the least. I'd never be upset with anyone for wanting to spend time with a seriously ill child--no matter how old the child.

 

[disykat]

I wouldn't be mad. I can't imagine even asking her under those circumstances. I would not expect a working grandparent to miss work to attend my children's events.

I don't see how cleaning her house has anything to do with missing work. Am I wrong and she took the day off to clean for your brother?

 

[Ranatra]

I think it was rude not to resond in any way to let you know if she was going to come or not. I understand that she has a lot on her plate, but to respond is common courtesy.

 

[snowy76]

I think it was rude not to resond in any way to let you know if she was going to come or not. I understand that she has a lot on her plate, but to respond is common courtesy.

I assumed the invite came from the school since there was a deadline on it (if I'm inviting my mom to an event for my child I'd simply make a phone call) but I guess re-reading it, it's not really clear.

 

[paigevz]

My son's grandparents live in another state. They've been able to come for a few concerts and what-not, but they wouldn't be able to swing a grandparents' day.............I don't think it's anything to be that upset about. And, like the others said, she probably really has spent a lot of time off work to date, and may really need that time...............

 

[CEDmom]

How does your DD feel? Did your mom at any time promise your DD that she'd be there? If so, I don't blame you for being upset. I couldn't get a clear understanding from your original post whether your mom spends time with your DD. If she does than I'd especially cut her some slack. I can understand wanting her mom to see your DD's school etc but believe me there's probably plenty of kids who didn't have grandparents there. I know my DD wouldn't because my mom is too far away for a last minute trip and MIL just doesn't do things like that.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I think my MIL went to Grandparents' Day a couple of times for my kids, but my parents never went. It didn't occured to me to be upset about it. Thinking back, my grandparents never came to anything of mine at school (plays, band concerts, etc.) and my parents didn't go to many things for my kids. To me, it's the PARENT'S job to go to stuff. We went to EVERYTHING for our DS and DD. Now for our grandchildren, we go to some things but not all. When you have several grandchildren it can get really hectic trying to go to everything for each one.

Personally, Grandparent's Day is the one day I HATE!! The teachers make us all "participate" and I would rather not do that. I would much rather just sit and watch. Plus I hate all the commotion and loudness. I did lunch with the oldest DGD once and that was enough. Crowded and noisy!

I spend time at home with my grandchildren, or take them out for lunch, shopping, etc. IMHO it's more important to do that, than go to Grandparents' Day.

I think you should be happy when grandparents CHOOSE to come to one of your child's activities, but not get upset when they DON'T come.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP, not really. It sounds like your Mom has a lot on her plate.

My parents live very close (ILs almost as close) an they work. They can't take time off of work so they never come to this kind of stuff. Know that your DD is NOT the only one who GPs can't show up.

 

[Disneyland1084]

This sounds like something for Dear Abby to answer.

 

[EthansMom]

I understand that Grandparent's Day at school seems like an important event to you. But, I don't think you should blame your Mom for not wanting to miss work and/or prepare for weekend guests.

It sounds as if you have some resentment that goes beyond your Mom missing Grandparent's Day at school.

My advice: If you want to have your parents spend time with your DD, then invite them to do things with you that fit everyone's interests/schedules. You could ask them if they'd like to go with your family to see a show, go to the zoo, go to a children's museum, etc...

(Just a side note: My brother had cancer two years ago. My Mom lives close to DB and his family and lives 3000 miles from my family. Mom spent extra money on comfort items for DB while he was sick, spent extra time helping with DB's daughters, and even contributed to a celebratory vacation when DB was cancer-free. I understood that my Mom didn't have the extra money and vacation time to come visit my family. Just because Mom couldn't visit didn't mean that she loves DB more than me.)

 

[tar heel]

I would not be upset. I would be grateful that I was not one with cancer. If your mom has taken a lot of time off, then it certainly makes sense that she would be reluctant to take another day. I can count on my fingers the number of times my in-laws and parents have made it to school activities for my sons and it has no affect whatsoever on how much they love them. They've participated a lot more in my nephews' activities b/c they live near them.

I think you're looking to make an issue out of something that shouldn't be.

 

[vettechick99]

This is obviously about more than Grandparents Day. I think you said it all right here...

It doesn't help to talk to her because she is "perfect, and never makes a mistake. " She will make excuses for her actions or turns it on you and make it your problem.

Your mom has let you down in the past and it continues with your children. From now on I wouldn't expect much from her. I'm sorry.