Would you be mad? (long)

[Kermit]

I'm trying not to get too upset about this, but the more I think about it, the madder I get.

My sister is pregnant and due 3 days before I am. She works at a hospital. Apparently a few weeks ago, she treated a patient and then found out that the baby had Parvo (Fifth Disease). The doctor was supposed to write on the baby's chart that s/he might have Parvo, since it's very bad for pregnant women to be exposed to it, but he didn't. When my sister found out about it, the hospital made a big thing about it. Exposure to Parvo while you're pregnant is a big deal. It can make the baby need to have a transfusion while it's still in the womb.

So after her shift was over, my sister went to her doctor and had titres drawn (blood test) to see if she's immune to Parvo. If she's already immune, it's no big deal because she wouldn't be able to "catch" it and pass it onto the baby.

The results of the blood test take a few days. The day she had her blood drawn, my dad came into town on business. My parents live in San Antonio. Obviously, he wanted to see both my sister and me. My sister wanted to spend all the time with him that she could, rather than having him spend some time with just me and some time with just her, so she chose not to tell me that she had been exposed to Parvo and might be carrying a disease that could really hurt both of our babies.

Since then, she found out she was immune to it, so it's not a big deal. She didn't tell me about the whole thing until yesterday, and she just laughed about it, saying she knew that I would have "freaked out" and not wanted to go around her if I knew she might be carrying this disease. She's completely right. I wouldn't have gone around her until I knew that she wasn't carrying Parvo, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It should have been my decision, but I didn't get to make it.

In the end, it turns out that both of our babies should be fine, so that's what's important. However, I don't like knowing that she apparently thought it was okay to jeopardize my baby's well-being just to spend an extra few hours with my dad. That's the part that makes me mad. In fact, I don't really believe that it was entirely because she missed our dad that much. I don't want to even think about why she could want to do that to my baby.

So am I overreacting? I haven't said anything yet, and I am reminding myself over and over that in the end, it all worked out fine. There's nothing wrong with either of our babies. But I would have liked to have been informed so that I could have been a part of the decision-making process. I don't want my sister making health decisions for my child, especially ones that are irresponsible.

 

[RUDisney]

I'd be mad as all get out at her. Personally, I don't go around anyone's baby when I'm sick for fear of getting the baby sick, and I'm thinking of something as benign as a cold.

For the sake of your family, you'll have to find a way to forgive her and move on, but she must also understand that you love your child just as much as she loves hers and you have to establish ground rules now, before her child has chicken pox and "since it's Easter, she thought it would be OK to bring her darling over even though she was bringing the virus into your house."

All I can say is WOW at her lack of judgment! I'm glad everything worked out for both of you in the long run.

 

[Amy]

I really don't have any advice for you, just {{hugs}}. I know what's it like when members of your family make decisions that directly affect you and your health without consulting you. It's a tough situation. {{hugs}}

 

[Kermit]

Originally posted by RUDisney
For the sake of your family, you'll have to find a way to forgive her and move on, but she must also understand that you love your child just as much as she loves hers and you have to establish ground rules now, before her child has chicken pox and "since it's Easter, she thought it would be OK to bring her darling over even though she was bringing the virus into your house."

That's exactly what's driving me crazy. She is my sister, and I obviously don't want to do anything to our relationship. But I have to find some way to make her understand that my child's health will always be completely and totally my decision. I may ask her for advice sometimes, since she is a nurse, but she can't decide what's okay and what isn't.

DH is furious. This isn't the first time my sister has been exposed to something that was really bad and then insisted on going around other people, so he wants to tell her that she can't come around our baby after he's born as long as she's working at the hospital. (That's not quite as mean as it sounds. She's not working because she has to for financial reasons, and her own health isn't good. It would be best for her if she would at least get a job somewhere other than a hospital so that she'd be exposed to less stuff, but she won't settle for a job that's less exciting.) I think that's too extreme, and I think DH would think that too if only the health of his child wasn't involved.

I just don't know how I can make the point clear without showing how angry I am and turning it into something bigger than it needs to be. With my sister, you can't simply say that you didn't like something. If I don't make a big enough deal out of it, she'll do something like that again. But if I make too big of a deal out of it, she'll act like I'm the mean one and she didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Serena]

You let her have it with both barrels, then you forgive her.

She had no right putting your baby at risk for a visit with anyone. It was careless, thoughtless and dangerous to your baby.
But you have to let it go after that. It happened, everyone is still healthy, it's over.

Sisters can be a pain.

 

[sharbear]

I would be mad and I would let her have it. She's your sister and I think that you can tell her how you feel. Once she thinks about it I'm sure she'll feel bad.

 

[Buckalew]

I'd call her on it and ask her why she didn't use better judgement. I would also tell her to use better judgement in the future. I have sisters and several neices and nephews. From my experience, it has only begun. Not just with the kids (& your sister) but with strangers and friends too. People will bring their kids over & they are running fevers etc. That ticks me off as much as anything does. If they are sick keep them home. My advice is to get ready for some "stupid parenting tricks" and remind your sister that there are enough bozos out there pulling this kind of thing w/o your OWN sister doing it.

BTW, I'm glad it turned out OK and that both babies should be fine. Also, pardon my vent. It is just a pet peeve of mine.

 

[Amy]

Kermit, it's tough. My BIL outright lied to us one Christmas. When I told him I didn't appreciate being lied to, he said he "did what was right", got all mad and we haven't spoken to him for 8 or 9 years. I hope your sister isn't like that.

 

[browneyes]

I would be completely and thoroughly incensed.

When I was pregnant with my dd, one of my SO's nieces came down to play. A couple of days later one of my SO's brothers told me the little girl was sick. She had 5th's disease. Her mom didn't want to tell me because I was a nervous nilly when I was pregnant with my dd. I told my OB and he was very concerned. He said whereas she had the red cheeks and slapped look on her face, with perhaps a slight fever. If I wasn't immune, my baby could have various complications including she could possibly die. It was about a month of tests before they finally decided that perhaps I was immune. But none of the tests were conclusive. That was a very long, rough month.

I was extremely angry I wasn't told I was exposed by my SO's SIL.

 

[lil mermaid]

NO, you are NOT overreacting. I am pregnant too and I would be really upset if a family member did that to me, especially if it was a family member who knew the risks!

I really think you need to tell her how you feel.

 

[kejoda]

Kermit I would tell her how you feel but you are also going to accept the fact that you have a very selfish sister. How you decide to deal with that will have to be up to you and your dh. I have 2 of the most selfish sisters ever to have lived and learned the hard way how to deal with them.

 

[Rajah]

Ohyeah, I'd be FURIOUS!! And I don't think I'd let her around my child until he/she was old enough to have a stronger immune system than as a baby. Meaning, maybe not for a year or two, as long as she's working at that hospital. Maybe that's overreacting, but at the same time, if she's going to put you and your child at such potential risk, I wouldn't take the chance.

 

[Puffy2]

I'm probably the only person here that will give this advice:

Certainly you have EVERY RIGHT to be very angry , but she is your sister and unless you want this to end up with the two of you never speaking again, drop it.

What she did was at the least very poor judgement especially for a health care worker and horriably selfish. You know it and you want her to know it, but by "having it out with her" you only gain personal satisfaction and you risk to loose your sister (and perhaps other family members).

You are fine. The baby is fine. Give yourself and your sister a holiday gift and move forward.

(by the way, I've had to do this myself regarding a sister-in-law years ago....not easy , but you get past it) Just my two cents.

 

[suzannen]

Kermit,
I would have been very upset also. Under normal circumstances, since the baby is okay, I would be like others who said "let it go" for now" or else it could ruin your relationship with your sister. But, since she was so unconcerned about you and your baby's health while you're pregnant, my bet is she will continue to 1) not tell you whenever she's been exposed to something at her job and 2) will probably bring your little niece/nephew over while she/he's sick. I think I would try to very calmly take this opportunity to talk to her very calmly, not yell or accuse. I would say since this exposure happened unintentionally, it might be a good time to establish "groundrules" (as someone else mentioned) about exposing each other's children to various illnesses. Promise her that you will never knowingly put yourself, husband and/or child into a close situation with her child and family that might compromise her child's health and that you would appreciate the same consideration. One close associate of mine has had her child get sick after every single family get together because her SIL has 3 kids and constantly brings them sick, exposing all the kids there. She gets angry, but is afraid to say anything.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Kermit, Well, certainly what she did was stupid! I don't blame you for being upset! Aren't you glad you have all of us to vent your anger to? Seriously, you need to have a talk with her and tell her you love her but she jeopardized the health of your child and that is what you're having a problem with. If she tries to downplay the seriousness of this, then maybe you should stop seeing her until after the baby is born.

TC

 

[SonjaB]

Kermit, your sister used spectacularly bad judgement here, especially being a nurse and knowing EXACTLY the risk. I agree with Buck and suzanne, let her know you feel she used bad judgement, showed disregard for your baby's well-being and you want to promise her now that you will never knowingly expose her child to any communicable disease and you would appreciate the same consideration.

 

[disykat]

Many people are exposed to Fifths accidently while pregnant (I was too), however your sister intentionally exposed you after she was concerned enough about herself to be tested. While I hope you can work through this, I think it would be worth confronting her and setting some ground rules. At the very least, I think it's important for family to iron out some of the issues that come up - ignoring them usually causes them to grow.

Maybe if you talk it over with her you'll find out her Doc okayed seeing you or something. It's hard for me to understand why else she wouldn't have told you and let YOU make the decision.

 

[Kallison]

I would be livid, furious, hopping, spitting fire mad. Make sure she knows how you feel and she is not to make those kind of judgement calls again around your child. She sounds like a real bonehead.

 

[raidermatt]

I'm afraid I would have to ask for more than just a hope that she won't do it again.

Endangering the life of her soon to be niece/nephew? She needs to understand what she did was wrong and agree not to knowingly do anything like it again.

Otherwise, how can you ever know she's not doing it again at anytime?

 

[Tiger Fan]

Kermit, as one of 3 sisters all I can offer you is {{{{HUGS}}}} !!

Lisa