Would you be hurt? I am

[jacksonsmom]

I just want to see how others would feel in this situation. Maybe I am being too senitive?

Here is the background. My son will be in a Tae Kwon Do tournament on May 6th. Originally I was going to help my mother with a garage sale on May 5th and 6th. Well when this tournament came up we arranged it so I would help on the 5th and her husband would help on the 6th. DH, I and DS would go to the tournament. Being the garage sale was already planned (it is an annual city wide sale) my mom and her husband (not my dad) would not be going to the TKD tournament.

Everyone was OK with that.

Fast forward to today. My mom tells me that her husband got an email from his brother. He is having a birthday party for himself on May 6th. Now this isn't any special year birthday (40, 50, etc) it is just a normal old birthday.
So my mom tells me that they may only have the garage sale until noon and then go to this party!

I guess I am very hurt by this because when I first brought up the tournament her first thought was the garage sale. She even said "I don't think DS can go" I told her we need to work something work because DS really wants to go, which we did. (her husband helping her on the 6th)
I was really OK with them not going and just staying home and having the garage sale. Especially since the garage sale was already planned. I can understand about already having plans.
But now she was going to close up early to go to this birthday party?
I am hurt because she didn't even think of doing that for DS's tournament.
I feel she is making special arrangements for her husband's brother but would not even think of re-arranging the garage sale for DS's tournament.

DS is her only grandchild and probably will be her only grandchild

I am being too senitive? I want to tell her how hurt I am by this but I don't know if I am being too senitive about it?

 

[sajetto]

Well, everyone is different, but I suppose that she figures that there will be other tournaments or maybe tae kwon do isn't her thing (sorry, but it really does bore some people grandchildren or not) A birthday party is really fun and maybe she has a close connection to her BIL that you don't know about. If it really bothers you tell her about it, but I wouldn't expect that she would come to the DS's tournament instead. Good luck hun

 

[In a hurry]

I guess that I could see an older person wanting to spend as much time as possible celebrating their sibs. They are the only people who remember when we were young! And birthdays are once a year. Are tournaments? I've no clue.

So, IMO, I would rethink my anger on this one if I were you. So much for the opinion of a total stranger!~~smilie~~

 

[mom2boys]

Around here the tournaments are an all day affair starting pretty early in the morning. That would mean no garage sale time for the entire day, if she choose to attend the tournament. Closing down at noon probably isn't going to miss much garage sale traffic - again morning type thing around here.
Does your son mind if Grandma misses the tournament? She already said she wouldn't be attending, so your son isn't expecting her. Does she come to his events when she doesn't have a conflict? I can't say whether I'd be offended as my kids don't have living grandparents.
BTW - Good luck to your son in the tournament!

 

[ckay87]

I wouldn't be hurt at all. I was raised by parents who would go to my concerts, sporting events, etc. all the while grumbling "I hate this crap." So I think I'm a little tougher skinned about that stuff. They loved me - they hated sports. I got it.

Sounds like you mom just plain old didn't want to go to the tournament. There's probably plenty of other things she'd love to do with your DS. Just not that.

 

[buddy&wooz]

Honestly? If I had a choice between a birthday party and a TKD tournament I'd choose the party, definitely.

Unless this is some kind of world-class once in a lifetime tournament, I can understand them not wanting to go. Tournaments are boring unless you're a participant or parent.

Did you actually invite your mom, or just tell her about it? Maybe she didn't even realize you wanted her to attend?

 

[cheerbop]

I for one would be hurt by this, so do NOT feel alone.

I do see both sides of the issue but I also would be hurt because I an assuming that the BIL is older, but your grandson will not have his grandma around forever.
YES, a party is more fun in some people's eyes, but
I have been a coach of children for over 12 years and I see the hurt in their eyes (and hearts) when family, including grandparents, does not come and support them. Family support in activities is so vital to the kids growing up.....

I would at least mention your hurt feelings to her in a calm fashion. Sometimes, I have found at least, there are people that just don't think about things like this...they don't realize what they are doing until someone brings it up to them.

Just have a nice talk....

 

[justhat]

Well I can see how you'd feel a bit hurt by it. The tournament is important to your son so therefore even if grandmas hates it, it should be somewhat important to her too and apparently it's not but this birthday party is. My daughter has grandparents day at her preschool on May 5th and my mom can't make it cause she has a meeting for work the night before (she lives in NJ and we're in DC) so she can't get here in time. Well her meeting was moved up earlier in the day, so now she could come, but her friend's sister's daughter is getting married that night so she doesn't want to miss the wedding so she's staying home anyway. This isn't even someone she's close with, and the wedding is a spur of the moment thing cause she found out she's having a baby in October, so not like something that was planned before grandparents day was announced. My in-laws live in New Orleans so they aren't coming either, so my kid will be the only one without a grandparent. I feel badly for her, but nothing I can do about it. Try not to feel too badly though cause there's not much you can do about it at this point.

 

[Stitchfans]

I can understand how your feelings would be hurt. I most likely would be a little hurt too. the way I see it and this is from my own experience. your mom is trying to make her husband happy. My dad does whatever it takes to make his wife happy. He doesn't make a move without consulting her. quite often events are with her side opposed to ours lately.

as immature that this may sound the one event that hurt me the most is when he took her and most of her kids and their families to Disney World. even as a kid we never did anything as special as that. he knows what a Disney fan I am. I always wonder why he never said he'd like to come with me and my family when we are going. guess I already know the answer to that question.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, truthfully, no, I wouldn't be offended or hurt.

My mom is bored silly by sports and attends dd's events occasionally but not every one. A tournament is usually a day long event that I wouldn't subject her to. She'd be grumpy which would ruin the event for everyone around--plus I think she'd flat out tell me she didn't want to go. But we have the kind of relationship where I wouldn't be offended by that.

While my mom loves dd--I don't expect her entire life to be about dd. And she's her only grandchild who is not an adult. My mom is very busy with her own life and friends and I don't think dd should automatically be the first priority. My grandparents didn't attend any school events when I was growing up and I knew they loved me.

 

[marybet]

If I am understanding this right, she wanted you not to go to the tournament so you could help with the garage sale and only when her husband said he would help could you take your DS to the tournament. This would have upset me, that she wanted your son to miss the tournament for a garage sale. Does she need the money that much? If you were all right with her not coming to the tournament than I don't see how you could say anything now. Was it never suggested that she only do the sale one day? I would never put a garage sale ahead of any family event. City wide sale or not there are some things that are just more important.

Has she gone to his tournaments in the past? Maybe she just doesn't like to go to the tournaments. If she goes to other things that your son is in than I just wouldn't be that upset. As I said before the fact that you were thinking of missing the tournament to help at her sale would be more upsetting.

 

[jacksonsmom]

Does your son mind if Grandma misses the tournament? She already said she wouldn't be attending, so your son isn't expecting her. Does she come to his events when she doesn't have a conflict? I can't say whether I'd be offended as my kids don't have living grandparents.
BTW - Good luck to your son in the tournament!

Well at first he did want grandma there, but we talked to him and explained why she couldn't be there. We told him we would video tape it and he was OK with that then. Btw--if it makes a difference DS is 6 yrs old.

Tournaments are only once a year, at least the ones DS attends. The others are usually too far to drive too.

I do have to agree with the poster that said TKD might not be her 'thing' I am sure it isn't. I even get bored with TKD sometimes! LOL But DS enjoys it and I do think it is good for him.

I guess what the hurt is really about is when I first brought up this tournament to her she said "DS can't go because you have to help with the garage sale" The garage sale was so important. I basically had to beg her to figure something out. Her husband was going to be home anyway so I suggested why can't he help her out that day (I will still help on May 5th). It was like this big chore.
The tournament was a very big deal to DS and he really wanted to go. My mom made me feel like because of it they had to do all this rearranging (her husband outside the house instead of inside all day) and they were doing me a favor! But fine, I was OK with it because DS really wanted to go to the tournament.
Well when she threw this at me it hurt because the ol' so important garage sale wasn't that important anymore. The birthday party was more important, yet when I brought up how badly DS wanted to go to the tournament and that it was important to him, she didn't get it. Her first thought was the garage sale.
It's hard to explain, I guess

It really isn't about her going to the tournament or not

 

[In a hurry]

Well, that surely makes a bit more sense. I'm sorry your mom gave you a hard time about something that was important to you and your son.

 

[Nancy]

I wouldn't be too upset about it either. But thats the way I am. Both my Mom and my MIL didn't go to every little thing my kids did and they don't go to them now. MY kids did competitive dance for years. The grandmas came to the recitals, but hardly ever came to the comps. It was boring...heck it was boring for the Mom's sometimes too! My middle dd does sports, my Mom has not come to a single one, not her thing...no biggie, I only watch a few times myself. My Mil will show up at one or two at the most. I usually don't even ask them to go but they do get told about them.

BUT my MIl will go to every single thing my nephews do. Heck she watches one of them bowl every Saturday! My older nephew was in his musical a few weeks ago and she went to every performance (4). My kids were asking why she would even want to go see it 4 times.

edited because I just read your other post. Sounds like Mom is "punishing" you. You didn't want to stay and help her all day on the 6th so now she is going to get back at you and not go watch your son at all...."I'm going to a party, so there!" type of thing. I would be upset about that and you should let her know how you feel.

 

[FSUGrad97]

I would be upset about this, because from the way it sounds, she is choosing his family over her own.

Why can't she go to part of the tournament (in the morning), and have her husband watch the garage sale while she is gone? Then, she could go to the birthday party later on.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Let's see if I have this straight. So she originally tells you that your son won't be able to make it to the tournament because you've promised to help her, but when something she wants to do comes up, she drops everything.
I think you are right that it stinks, but try not to be hurt.

Your feelings are your own and if you are hurt you are hurt, but I urge you to brush it off. I agree that it was a bit selfish of your mom but you know, but we all make mistakes. You could talk to her about it if it makes you feel better, but people are funny sometimes and that will neverchange and if it makes you feel better, I think she was wrong.

 

[Marseeya]

The situation the way you describe it would hurt my feelings.

 

[DisneyArk]

Yes, I would be hurt, but I would probably let it go.

We're having similar issues with my dad and his wife. It's very hard for me to understand when he says he can't go to something for my kids, but then he changes his plans to do something with her children and grandchildren.

But I try to remind myself that I'm glad he's happily married. He needs to make a life for himself.

I'm sure you're already going to do this - but try not to bring this up in front of your son. Focus on the fact that you and your husband are there to support him and give him 100% of you emotionally that day! I know that if I let myself dwell on the problem then I'm not quite as happy as I should be for my sons.

 

[FSUGrad97]

Well at first he did want grandma there, but we talked to him and explained why she couldn't be there. We told him we would video tape it and he was OK with that then. Btw--if it makes a difference DS is 6 yrs old.

Tournaments are only once a year, at least the ones DS attends. The others are usually too far to drive too.

I do have to agree with the poster that said TKD might not be her 'thing' I am sure it isn't. I even get bored with TKD sometimes! LOL But DS enjoys it and I do think it is good for him.

I guess what the hurt is really about is when I first brought up this tournament to her she said "DS can't go because you have to help with the garage sale" The garage sale was so important. I basically had to beg her to figure something out. Her husband was going to be home anyway so I suggested why can't he help her out that day (I will still help on May 5th). It was like this big chore.
The tournament was a very big deal to DS and he really wanted to go. My mom made me feel like because of it they had to do all this rearranging (her husband outside the house instead of inside all day) and they were doing me a favor! But fine, I was OK with it because DS really wanted to go to the tournament.
Well when she threw this at me it hurt because the ol' so important garage sale wasn't that important anymore. The birthday party was more important, yet when I brought up how badly DS wanted to go to the tournament and that it was important to him, she didn't get it. Her first thought was the garage sale.
It's hard to explain, I guess

It really isn't about her going to the tournament or not

It sounds like her priorities are a little skewed since she is not getting the fact that her grandson really wants her to go to his tournament. You are a better person than I, because I would probably not help her on the 5th.

Hugs to you

 

[jacksonsmom]

If I am understanding this right, she wanted you not to go to the tournament so you could help with the garage sale and only when her husband said he would help could you take your DS to the tournament. This would have upset me, that she wanted your son to miss the tournament for a garage sale. Does she need the money that much?
.

BINGO!!! That is what I am upset about yet she drops it all when this birthday party came up!

And NO they do not need money that bad!!!! WE (DH and I) need it a heck of a lot more then they do. Yes, I am selling some of my things too, that is why I was helping her. I did suggest only having a one day sale (May 5th) but she didn't want to do that. She said people work on Fridays, OK fine.
But I basically had to tell her that DS was going to the tournament so we need to work something out for the 6th. The tournament was a very big thing to DS and I didn't want to disappoint him.