Would you be angry? (Facebook issue)

[kamik86]

If my mom did this to me she would not find out anything in my life until I posted it on facebook.

My mom is known to talk... alot... I can't tell you how many times espeically now that she is out on disability that I go to family gatherings and people know things that I hadn't told them (my BIL knew about a mini promotion at work that I only told mom about... it went from mom to my sister to BIL for example) but these are things I didn't explicitly say not to talk about so I can't really get annoyed at that. She at least doesn't say things that I explicitly told her not to.

 

[horseshowmom]

And respond, Yes Mom you really did mess this up. Then end the conversation. She uses this approach because it works. When it stops working, she'll stop using it.

I agree.

When she starts with the guilt trip about being "such a horrible mother" you should respond with, "No, mom, no one ever said you were a horrible mother. However, I specifically asked you not to do something & you did it anyway, disregarding what I had asked. That just upsets me."
Your mom is going to continue to guilt trip you forever if you continue to allow it.

I agree with these posters. I don't think I would even say nobody said you were a horrible mother. I would ignore that altogether. I would say what I bolded above and add that she had no right to show such disrespect to you and the others that she hurt (and I have no doubt that some of his family members were understandably hurt). Then I would end the conversation, and she would be the last to know from now on. IMHO, she's left you with no other choice.

 

[mla1977]

My mom just called me this morning to let me know that my cousin is pregnant. I'm not surprised that she told me and I expect that she is telling other people, but at least in my case, the announcement ends here. The only other people that I will tell won't tell anyone else or, it won't matter that they know since they don't know my cousin.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why be angry??????
You can only be mad at yourself, because you know your own mother, and you did know exactly what would happen.
It amounts to "Hey, I am going to tell you my big exciting news, before I even have the chance to digest it myself, and personally tell others whom my husband and I respect enough to share with in person...." Sounds like maybe you need to see the reality of your mother, instead of the image of the mother-daugher relationship that you might have in your wishful thinking. You can't change other peoples attitudes and actions, but you should definitely control your own... the way you deal with and react to them.

I am with any others who would never participate in Facebook like this to begin with.
You can't use this public forum and involve personal information, and then be surprised and upset when the whole world sees it.

If I did happen to do Facebook, one could be guaranteed that my mother and my MIL would not be privy to my page. If you've 'unfriended' and/or blocked her... Just go ahead with that, and don't make the mistake of removing these measures. Hey, c'mon, you have to admit that you do know what will happen if you go back to the status-quo!!!!

Hey, it's up to you, not her or anyone else, to maintain your personal boundaries.

PS: I have one 'all about me' sister. And she wonders why she doesn't have a personal and online relationship with my 'tween' son...
So NOT happening!

 

[akhenaten]

It was wrong of her However..... you stated that she has done it before... so you should have waited to tell her until after you told your MIL!!

 

[ols386]

OP, yes, I would be irritated because you had specifically asked her not to post on FB yet.

From here on out, I would'tn tell her anything, at least not until after I had notified the others first.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I am surprised that you would tell her first given her history. Obviously tell others before her.

Take your lumps and then put her last on the info list!!!! Believe me with a little one on the way you will have plenty of info to share.

Congrats!!!

 

[DeniseinNS]

I would be angry with her and would let her know it!!! Are you planning on finding out the sex of your baby??? if so I would let her know that because she ingored your wishes on telling people you are pregnant that she will be the LAST person to find out the sex of the baby.

 

[Angelhalo]

Absolutely. I would make it clear to her that going forward, no matter what the news is; sex of the baby, etc, she will learn about it when everyone else does.

Exactly. She would NEVER EVER again be the first to know ANYTHING of importance. How Rude!

 

[tlbwriter]

I just wish she would "get it" this time. She never does though, and ends up giving me a guilt trip instead by saying things like "I just can't do anything right...I'm just such a horrible mother," etc.

Well, now you know how to handle it when she complains that she was the last to hear about something. "Oh, I just can't do anything right! I'm such a horrible daughter!"

 

[EllenFrasier]

Well, you knew how your mother was with facebook - you should not have told her until you were ready to tell the world. I bet she is so excited that she could not wait to tell everyone she could that she is going to be a Grandma. Don't be angry with her - life is too short.
From now on, just don't tell her anything until you are ready for others to know as well. It might deprive her of being the first to know, but as long as she's in the top 10, I'm sure she won't be upset.

 

[Normangirls]

and ends up giving me a guilt trip instead by saying things like "I just can't do anything right...I'm just such a horrible mother," etc.

When I hear someone saying something like this, I want to just simply agree.

"Yes, Mother, we all know you aren't Mother-of-the-Year material. But admitting you have a problem is the first step to changing."

 

[daisyduck123]

Sooooo...would you be angry? If so, what is the proper response/reaction, if any?

Thanks for listening!!!

Um....YEAH I would.

And my response would be....to totally block her on FB & make sure she is the LAST ONE to know the sex of the baby & the BABY'S NAME!!

 

[dislaney]

OP, yes, I would be irritated because you had specifically asked her not to post on FB yet.

From here on out, I would'tn tell her anything, at least not until after I had notified the others first.

This.

 

[MissElizabeth]

It sounds like you have some boundary issues with your mother- hers are closed (she won't accept critical feedback) and yours are open (you keep sharing with her out of obligation). Its time to change that scenario. Be loving, but firm. Have the talk about how much that bothered you- but when she pulls out the manipulative guilt trip, simply ignore it. Refuse to rise to the bait or be manipulated. Simply reiterate your point, then change the subject. In the future just make sure your mom is the last to have any news.

Your mom can really make it all about her only if you let her. If you don't feed the drama machine it will stop running.

 

[hereyago]

Why be angry??????
You can only be mad at yourself, because you know your own mother, and you did know exactly what would happen.

Exactly!!!!!!!!!! Don't set yourself up and then be angry.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

tell everyone else but her then put on facebook and let her find out that way
she needs gto feel what its like

That's what I was going to say to do. It's sad that you can't trust her to keep the news off of facebook until you told her it was OK.

 

[Agri]

When I hear someone saying something like this, I want to just simply agree.

"Yes, Mother, we all know you aren't Mother-of-the-Year material. But admitting you have a problem is the first step to changing."

This.

Whenever someone tries to guilt trip me like that, I just respond, "If you feel that way, I don't see how I could possibly change your mind." Then I walk away.

OP, you need to confront your mother about this. Giving her a taste of her own medicine is a passive-aggressive way to handle it. Sit her down and tell her that you felt very hurt and upset and because she did not respect your wishes. Explain to her that as a result, you do not feel that you can trust her in the future with important information until you have had the chance to share it with others yourself first. Tell her that you have several people in your life that are important to you and you don't want them to feel left out again by someone posting your own news before you've had a chance to share it.

Let her throw her fit - that's on *her* and NOT your fault.

 

[horseshowmom]

In response to several posts:

On the OP's behalf, it didn't sound like her mother had done it after specifically being asked NOT to do it the other time. Previously, it sounded like she had done this after just hearing about it. That's not quite the same thing. This time she was asked not to do so and did anyway.

But, I do agree. From now on, she would hear NOTHING before I had told my MiL.

 

[horseshowmom]

Well, now you know how to handle it when she complains that she was the last to hear about something. "Oh, I just can't do anything right! I'm such a horrible daughter!"

When I hear someone saying something like this, I want to just simply agree.

"Yes, Mother, we all know you aren't Mother-of-the-Year material. But admitting you have a problem is the first step to changing."