Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[JessicaR]

I've seen, "if my daughter asks to be put on birth control", mentioned in a few different posts. What happens when they don't ask because they are waiting for you to bring it up first?

 

[MoniqueU]

Some of the discussion this morning begs the question: How many folks made it through your teen years assuring your parents you weren't actually sneaking unchaperoned private time with our BF/GF (even though you were)?

Honestly I was the teenager from HELL, doing everything under the sun, most of it with huge regrets now. Granted I came from a horrible home with an abusive step dad but my mom finally got divorced from him and I was like a new person overnight. It was such a relief not to come home to a drunk stepdad going off on me and worse.

My kids come from a very different more stable home life. We are by no means perfect and I guess a bit stranger then alot of families but my husband and I both put a huge amount of importance on our children and they know they are loved and that nothing comes first but them. Anything my kids have done up to this point is by far and away less then I did to my own mom. Plus I know all the tricks about lying and sneaking around! I am way ahead of them on that and they know it

One thing I did want to say is that my oldest dd a young teenager was invited by a boy to go to the Colorado River. I said HELL NO. I still don't understand what the other parents were even thinking to have their son even ask for that?? So bizarre. My DD said but we are just friends. I told her no boy is just friends with her it always ends up with them being interested in her and her turning them down and wrecks what she thought was just a friendship.

 

[bicker]

Why??? His roommate is male not female.

The whole point of this is that, unsupervised, you don't know what your child is doing. I can assure you that, going back several decades, no one cares who is sleeping in which beds in most colleges.

Evidently, my reference to suite-type dorms wasn't clear. I spent six semesters in such accommodations. My GFs and I were very conservative by comparison to the average. In four of those semesters at least one of the other two rooms in the suite was for all intents and purposes a co-ed bedroom. Two couples who were friends arranged for the boys to be roommates, and for the girls to be roommates. Each person left enough personal property in their assigned room to convince parents who might come visiting, but otherwise one boy and one girl swapped, and so effectively both couples were shacking up. This was by no means an unusual circumstance.

And going back to my personal first roommates example: We were three roommates in that room, but I assure you that the number of evenings that the three of us slept in that dorm room was rather smalle. I often had a single. And remember where that sink-or-swim experience led, for one of my roommates.

I also said that being in college is different then being in high school and I would not have an issue with a college kid going away for a weekend.

The point I made earlier, which perhaps you missed, was that going from being chaperoned 100% of the time, to going unsupervised for weeks or months, is asking for trouble. People mature gradually. Ideally, maturity is gained by practicing responsible behaviors for a short period of time, then for a longer period of time, then a longer period of time.

 

[castleview]

The mom put the kid on birth control. I think the "condoning" ship has sailed.

I don't agree with this. There's a difference between condoning and accepting the reality that your teen might not listen to you and should be prepared just in case.

 

[castleview]

I've seen, "if my daughter asks to be put on birth control", mentioned in a few different posts. What happens when they don't ask because they are waiting for you to bring it up first?

I hope to handle it the way an old co-worker did. It was her last daughter and the one that was not the communicator with her. She knew her daughter had a boyfriend, kept an eye on it and when it started getting serious - well, she went to Planned Parenthood, got some brochures, stuck them in an envelope and said "Oh, this came for you…and the doctor called, you're too old for a pediatrician so I made an appointment with the gynecologist for you."

 

[bicker]

Actually I think some 17 year olds are more immature today.

Some, perhaps, but my exposure to this was most vivid comparing my college experience with my younger brother's, who due to a big age difference, really grew up as part of a different generation. He and his colleagues were unquestionably substantially more mature, substantially more responsible, and substantially more accountable than the previous generation. Major changes happened in our society that could account for this: His generation grew up post-AIDS, for example.

 

[kamik86]

I hope to handle it the way an old co-worker did. It was her last daughter and the one that was not the communicator with her. She knew her daughter had a boyfriend, kept an eye on it and when it started getting serious - well, she went to Planned Parenthood, got some brochures, stuck them in an envelope and said "Oh, this came for you…and the doctor called, you're too old for a pediatrician so I made an appointment with the gynecologist for you."

Lol my mom and I didn't talk in high school. I just had my BF bring me to planned parenthood. I could have just gone to my normal doctor as they wouldn't have told my parents either and I had a job so paying for the pill wasn't bad. (I still don't use insurance for mine... its $8 a month without my insurance and would be 10 if I went htough them!)

 

[goofy!]

On another board I frequent a mom posted a thread asking if we would allow our 17 year old (just finished junior year of high school-turning 18 soon) DD to go away for a weekend with her boyfriend unsupervised. She "trusts" her DD and her DD is on birth control so she can't get pregnant . Would you allow this?

I voted "yes". But it really depends on the kid - only the parents know how trustworthy the kids are.

If kids are going to have sex, they don't need to go away for a weekend. Plenty of my high school friends had sex right under their parent's noses.

My parents trusted me when I was that age. We had a friend with a house at the Jersey Shore and we often spent weekends there as two high school senior couples without the parents.

I have always thanked my parents for trusting in me. It always made me want to behave in a way to keep their trust.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

The point I made earlier, which perhaps you missed, was that going from being chaperoned 100% of the time, to going unsupervised for weeks or months, is asking for trouble. People mature gradually. Ideally, maturity is gained by practicing responsible behaviors for a short period of time, then for a longer period of time, then a longer period of time.

Respectfully snipped.

I completely agree with you on this.

I mentioned earlier how my GF, who I dated from the time I was 17-20 (she was 16-19), and I were afforded a lot of luxuries and freedom. At first it was later curfews, then it was overnight stays both supervised & unsupervised, and then weeklong vacations together.

I think both sets of parents did a great job at letting us experience these things gradually, instead of just letting us go at college.

The funny thing is that for the 3 years we were together we never had sex. We were planning on waiting until marriage. Of course we eventually went our separate ways, but I think there is a way to instill good morals and values while still extending freedom and respect.

 

[2lazy2work]

Just because they can have sex somewhere else doesn't mean you should light the candles, heat up the waterbed, and put on the Barry White 8-tracks for them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Some of the discussion this morning begs the question: How many folks made it through your teen years assuring your parents you weren't actually sneaking unchaperoned private time with our BF/GF (even though you were)?

I didn't sneak--but i didn't bring anything up and neither did my parents honestly my parents were easily embarrassed about any topic they should have been making a point of talking about (sex, drugs, alcohol, etc) and did not want to talk about it. I actually never did anything I thought they would strongly disapprove of, but I also did not talk about things with them to save them having to deal with it. I was a pretty good kid (no alcohol, no drugs, yes--I did have sex with long termish boyfriends while being very careful to avoid both pregnancy and STDs--nothing I regret now). I did learn a few later from a third party (boyfriends much older sister who got the outraged call from his mom) that my second boyfriend's mother had found out we were at that point in our relationship and called my mom. My mom asked her why she would call as it was our decision to make. So yeah, I don't think she was upset by it--she never brought it up to me (I was almost 18 and he was 18).
On the other hand, my husband's parents thought they had some pretty tight reigns. All 4 kids were pretty wild in high school and the running joke is we hope our kids take after me and not DH

Honestly I was the teenager from HELL, doing everything under the sun, most of it with huge regrets now. Granted I came from a horrible home with an abusive step dad but my mom finally got divorced from him and I was like a new person overnight. It was such a relief not to come home to a drunk stepdad going off on me and worse.

My kids come from a very different more stable home life. We are by no means perfect and I guess a bit stranger then alot of families but my husband and I both put a huge amount of importance on our children and they know they are loved and that nothing comes first but them. Anything my kids have done up to this point is by far and away less then I did to my own mom. Plus I know all the tricks about lying and sneaking around! I am way ahead of them on that and they know it

One thing I did want to say is that my oldest dd a young teenager was invited by a boy to go to the Colorado River. I said HELL NO. I still don't understand what the other parents were even thinking to have their son even ask for that?? So bizarre. My DD said but we are just friends. I told her no boy is just friends with her it always ends up with them being interested in her and her turning them down and wrecks what she thought was just a friendship.

What a horribly sad view of men to pass on to your daughter--worse if you have sons and are raising them to think so poorly of themselves. I am sorry to be so rude but I just think that is an appalling view to have and to pass on to your children.

 

[JessicaR]

I hope to handle it the way an old co-worker did. It was her last daughter and the one that was not the communicator with her. She knew her daughter had a boyfriend, kept an eye on it and when it started getting serious - well, she went to Planned Parenthood, got some brochures, stuck them in an envelope and said "Oh, this came for you…and the doctor called, you're too old for a pediatrician so I made an appointment with the gynecologist for you."

Perfect gateway.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I told her no boy is just friends with her it always ends up with them being interested in her and her turning them down and wrecks what she thought was just a friendship.

Well, you know, not all boys like girls like that. I mean, my high school prom date didn't. Some times a guy friend is just a friend.

 

[JessicaR]

Some, perhaps, but my exposure to this was most vivid comparing my college experience with my younger brother's, who due to a big age difference, really grew up as part of a different generation. He and his colleagues were unquestionably substantially more mature, substantially more responsible, and substantially more accountable than the previous generation. Major changes happened in our society that could account for this: His generation grew up post-AIDS, for example.

Oh my goodness. I was the one that was immature, not my son! Thanks for making me recognise that.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Well, you know, not all boys like girls like that. I mean, my high school prom date didn't. Some times a guy friend is just a friend.

My best friend in High School was a girl. We've been close for many, many years and never so much as held hands. We both had SO's and it was never a problem. I'll never understand the whole girls-boys cannot be friends mindset.

 

[JessicaR]

The majority of my friends were boys in high school. The girls were too dramatic for me.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The whole point of this is that, unsupervised, you don't know what your child is doing. I can assure you that, going back several decades, no one cares who is sleeping in which beds in most colleges.

Evidently, my reference to suite-type dorms wasn't clear. I spent six semesters in such accommodations. My GFs and I were very conservative by comparison to the average. In four of those semesters at least one of the other two rooms in the suite was for all intents and purposes a co-ed bedroom. Two couples who were friends arranged for the boys to be roommates, and for the girls to be roommates. Each person left enough personal property in their assigned room to convince parents who might come visiting, but otherwise one boy and one girl swapped, and so effectively both couples were shacking up. This was by no means an unusual circumstance.

And going back to my personal first roommates example: We were three roommates in that room, but I assure you that the number of evenings that the three of us slept in that dorm room was rather smalle. I often had a single. And remember where that sink-or-swim experience led, for one of my roommates.

The point I made earlier, which perhaps you missed, was that going from being chaperoned 100% of the time, to going unsupervised for weeks or months, is asking for trouble. People mature gradually. Ideally, maturity is gained by practicing responsible behaviors for a short period of time, then for a longer period of time, then a longer period of time.

That is very much how it worked when I was in college.

Lol my mom and I didn't talk in high school. I just had my BF bring me to planned parenthood. I could have just gone to my normal doctor as they wouldn't have told my parents either and I had a job so paying for the pill wasn't bad. (I still don't use insurance for mine... its $8 a month without my insurance and would be 10 if I went htough them!)

Yep, I took myself (I did not want my boyfriend to think me being prepared for when I was ready was a green light saying I was already ready ). Later on I went along for emotional support with 6 or 7 friends.

Just because they can have sex somewhere else doesn't mean you should light the candles, heat up the waterbed, and put on the Barry White 8-tracks for them.

1. Who suggested that?
2. I think that would stop most of today's teens from wanting any kind of intimacy and send them running scared instead

 

[2lazy2work]

1. Who suggested that?
2. I think that would stop most of today's teens from wanting any kind of intimacy and send them running scared instead

I didnt read all the threads so I dont know if someone suggested it I saw that someone said they're going to have sex anyway so it should not matter to this question. Maybe they would have sex anywya but saying its ok to go away with the boyfriend is like saying its ok to have go ahead and have sex in my opinon why make it easier?

 

[PaulaSB12]

How many of these posting no where having sex when they where teenagers?

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

Nope. Not happening in this house. I understand that teens have sex, but I am not going to encourage the behavior. Birth control fails all the time and just because she is on BC doesn't mean she won't get pregnant. I also don't believe that kids are mature enough to deal with the emotional reprocussions of a sexual relationship.