Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[minkydog]

On another board I frequent a mom posted a thread asking if we would allow our 17 year old (just finished junior year of high school-turning 18 soon) DD to go away for a weekend with her boyfriend unsupervised. She "trusts" her DD and her DD is on birth control so she can't get pregnant . Would you allow this?

Not on your life! I don't care if she was using 8 kinds of birth control, 17 year olds are usually still living under a parent's care. My DD17 will be off to college next year and as an adult, will be free to make any decision she wants. But while she is still at home, going to HS, she will not be spending weekends unsupervised with her BF.

ETA: We have taken the BF on one camping trip with us and that worked out fine. In fact, he was with us when we rolled our rig. Yeah, that was a fun phone call to parents. Luckily, he was completely uninjured. But I was really amazed at how tenderly he cared for DD, who had a concussion and went into shock.

 

[creativeamanda]

I wouldn't--not because I think would would need to control my almost adult child. Only because a 17 year old is not legally an adult and therefore can't get a hotel room or enter a contractural agreement. Where are they staying and what laws are they possibly breaking to stay there?

IMO, if they aren't able to legally sign for themselves then I am responsible for them. If I am legally responsible, then I am going to be close by. I am under no illusion that my kids will probably have sex when they are older. I just want to be able to make sure they are not doing something that can land them in jail.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Do you think the reason they seem immature today is because so many parents coddle them and do not let them grow up. By the time I was 16 my parents were letting me make my own decisions and deal with the consequences of my actions. Would they have let me go stay with a boyfriend somewhere at almost 18? Probably. But they were letting my guy friends ( platonic friends, more like my brother then anything) stay over from 15 on. They just slept on the couch. I could go to co-ed parties and stay when I started driving and was allowed to date.

I can't help but wonder the same things. My core group of friends were all virgins until College (this was a group of 15-20 teens). We dated within our group and had plenty of co-ed sleepovers, overnight trips to the beach or camping. Somehow we all managed to keep it in our pants.

Were we the "abnormal" ones? Maybe. But, as Bicker pointed out, I really think we were the way we were because we were allowed to grow up and do mature things. I'm certain that my parents would have stopped allowing my GF and I to have our sleepovers if we got caught doing something that they felt was inappropriate. But it never came to that because we respected their rules, especially in light of the fact that they were offering us respect in return.

 

[Acklander]

Do you think the reason they seem immature today is because so many parents coddle them and do not let them grow up. By the time I was 16 my parents were letting me make my own decisions and deal with the consequences of my actions. Would they have let me go stay with a boyfriend somewhere at almost 18? Probably. But they were letting my guy friends ( platonic friends, more like my brother then anything) stay over from 15 on. They just slept on the couch. I could go to co-ed parties and stay when I started driving and was allowed to date.

I gotta agree with you on this one. I guess if you're raising a kid who is required to go the ladies room with their mom until they're 10; Aren't allowed to play outside unless a parent is outside watching, isn't allowed to walk home from the school bus stop, has arranged play dates, and always having a parent getting involved in every little confrontation at school - well, yeah - he/she should probably not be allowed to go away for a weekend a few months before they turn 18 - that person is not ready.
but if you've been fostering independence all along, going away for a weekend is just another stepping stone.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

So I just so happen to have a 17 (just finished junior year of high school turning 18 soon) DD who was asked to go away for a WEEK with her boyfriend(who she's been dating for a year) and his family. So not even unsupervised. Well let's just say Boyfriend and family are leaving tomorrow and DD is NOT. Just inappropriate on too many levels for me.

She'll have lots of years and lots of chances to vacation with boyfriends in the future. No need to rush things. I really don't think she needs to be sitting across the breakfast table from him in her jammies every day for a week. Just a little too much familiarity and too reinforcing of the "we're going to be together forever" thing.

my thoughts exactly!

 

[S. C.]

No!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I wouldn't allow my son or daughter to go away with a SO at that age because I feel like they shouldn't be making their relationships at that age that important that they need a weekend away... maybe if a big group were going...It's more like taking an "Adult couples" step without being adults..and for some reason that bothers me and makes the relationship important more important than other things my teen should be focused on... JMO

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wouldn't--not because I think would would need to control my almost adult child. Only because a 17 year old is not legally an adult and therefore can't get a hotel room or enter a contractural agreement. Where are they staying and what laws are they possibly breaking to stay there?

IMO, if they aren't able to legally sign for themselves then I am responsible for them. If I am legally responsible, then I am going to be close by. I am under no illusion that my kids will probably have sex when they are older. I just want to be able to make sure they are not doing something that can land them in jail.

Sorry to only quote you when many others have brought the hotel up The situation (clarified on page 2) is to a "beach house." It is very likely the house is owned by the parents or grandparents (or friends or what have you) of one of the kids going.
Part of my "maybe" was the situation. If they plan on getting a hotel room without being sure they can then they are not ready for such a trip, but if they are borrowing a beach house or camping or whatnot that is non issue.

 

[golfgal]

The whole point of this is that, unsupervised, you don't know what your child is doing. I can assure you that, going back several decades, no one cares who is sleeping in which beds in most colleges.

Evidently, my reference to suite-type dorms wasn't clear. I spent six semesters in such accommodations. My GFs and I were very conservative by comparison to the average. In four of those semesters at least one of the other two rooms in the suite was for all intents and purposes a co-ed bedroom. Two couples who were friends arranged for the boys to be roommates, and for the girls to be roommates. Each person left enough personal property in their assigned room to convince parents who might come visiting, but otherwise one boy and one girl swapped, and so effectively both couples were shacking up. This was by no means an unusual circumstance.

And going back to my personal first roommates example: We were three roommates in that room, but I assure you that the number of evenings that the three of us slept in that dorm room was rather smalle. I often had a single. And remember where that sink-or-swim experience led, for one of my roommates.

The point I made earlier, which perhaps you missed, was that going from being chaperoned 100% of the time, to going unsupervised for weeks or months, is asking for trouble. People mature gradually. Ideally, maturity is gained by practicing responsible behaviors for a short period of time, then for a longer period of time, then a longer period of time.

Like I said earlier, our kids have a LOT of freedom and quite frankly are a lot more mature than most of their friends. DS has had off and on girlfriends, been on plenty of dates without us, goes out with friends in town, has ALWAYS been allowed to play outside from a much earlier age then most people here but I still don't have to let him go to a beach house, ALONE, with his girlfriend WHILE THEY ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL to let him "grow up".

Just because they can have sex somewhere else doesn't mean you should light the candles, heat up the waterbed, and put on the Barry White 8-tracks for them.

I gotta agree with you on this one. I guess if you're raising a kid who is required to go the ladies room with their mom until they're 10; Aren't allowed to play outside unless a parent is outside watching, isn't allowed to walk home from the school bus stop, has arranged play dates, and always having a parent getting involved in every little confrontation at school - well, yeah - he/she should probably not be allowed to go away for a weekend a few months before they turn 18 - that person is not ready.
but if you've been fostering independence all along, going away for a weekend is just another stepping stone.

Again, see above-I can guarantee you that our kids have had a LOT more freedom and independence then probably 99% of the people on this board. They started walking to school, without parents in kindergarten, were playing in the back yard without parents at age 3 or so, we had a gang of kids in the neighborhood so we didn't need arranged play dates, were allowed to even stay out after DARK to play . Our oldest has pretty much unlimited use of one of our cars, is working 50 hours/week this summer and has saved enough money to pay for his first year in college. I still don't need to set the stage for him (or any of my kids) to have sex with a girlfriend. They know our feelings on this, the decision to have sex or not is really up to them but they also know that we will not help them financially if they get pregnant too soon. We will certainly help them emotionally but I will not be the one getting up in the middle of the night with a baby.

 

[laurie31]

My DD13 is responsible, and I would trust her, but there are just too many things that can happen on a trip that a child shouldn't be expected to know how to handle.

I wouldn't let my child go on a trip like this even if it were her best friend and not a boyfriend (in other words, take the potential sex out of the equation. As many have said, if that's happening, it's happening. Although I do agree that this would be setting them up for way too much temptation in that area. No birth control is 100% effective). I think they're just too young for something like this. A trip WITH the family, probably yes. Two rising seniors alone, 3 hours from home, on the ocean? No way.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

That is very much how I view it too Sounds like your kids rebelled and went for different values than yours Alex P Keaton anyone?

There might be something to that reverse psychology stuff

Alex P Keaton - forgot about that show - that would be a good comparison

Two 70's hippies raising straight laced, conservative, non-alcohol drinking, save it till marriage, registered Republicans - either rebellion or switched at birth. I still say switched at birth.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I can't help but wonder the same things. My core group of friends were all virgins until College (this was a group of 15-20 teens). We dated within our group and had plenty of co-ed sleepovers, overnight trips to the beach or camping. Somehow we all managed to keep it in our pants.

Were we the "abnormal" ones? Maybe. But, as Bicker pointed out, I really think we were the way we were because we were allowed to grow up and do mature things. I'm certain that my parents would have stopped allowing my GF and I to have our sleepovers if we got caught doing something that they felt was inappropriate. But it never came to that because we respected their rules, especially in light of the fact that they were offering us respect in return.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I gotta agree with you on this one. I guess if you're raising a kid who is required to go the ladies room with their mom until they're 10; Aren't allowed to play outside unless a parent is outside watching, isn't allowed to walk home from the school bus stop, has arranged play dates, and always having a parent getting involved in every little confrontation at school - well, yeah - he/she should probably not be allowed to go away for a weekend a few months before they turn 18 - that person is not ready.
but if you've been fostering independence all along, going away for a weekend is just another stepping stone.

This one also deserves a

 

[aprilgail2]

My DD is 17 and is leaving for college in 3 weeks. Will I have much of a choice in what she does at that point?

That is what I was thinking- my daughter will be 17 in college and at that point she will be an adult in my book making her own decisions. I hope she uses protection- for STD's and birth control--

I had to vote "maybe" as the poll says "high school aged" and soon to be 18 is not high school aged to me!

 

[luvmy3]

I gotta agree with you on this one. I guess if you're raising a kid who is required to go the ladies room with their mom until they're 10; Aren't allowed to play outside unless a parent is outside watching, isn't allowed to walk home from the school bus stop, has arranged play dates, and always having a parent getting involved in every little confrontation at school - well, yeah - he/she should probably not be allowed to go away for a weekend a few months before they turn 18 - that person is not ready.
but if you've been fostering independence all along, going away for a weekend is just another stepping stone.

 

[prncssmel]

I would be shocked if my kids were virgins on their wedding nights. Sexual urges come with puberty - it's biological. Considering kids go through puberty in their early teens, I don't expect them to wait until marriage (because I would be devastated if my children got married in their early 20's). I do hope they wait until they are adults, though.

Exactly. I would worry more about them rushing into marriage than rushing into sex.

One thing I did want to say is that my oldest dd a young teenager was invited by a boy to go to the Colorado River. I said HELL NO. I still don't understand what the other parents were even thinking to have their son even ask for that?? So bizarre. My DD said but we are just friends. I told her no boy is just friends with her it always ends up with them being interested in her and her turning them down and wrecks what she thought was just a friendship.

Really? People can just be friends without trying to get each other into bed. Most of my friends growing up were guys. I never had feelings for any of them, and they never did for me. We were just friends.

I gotta agree with you on this one. I guess if you're raising a kid who is required to go the ladies room with their mom until they're 10; Aren't allowed to play outside unless a parent is outside watching, isn't allowed to walk home from the school bus stop, has arranged play dates, and always having a parent getting involved in every little confrontation at school - well, yeah - he/she should probably not be allowed to go away for a weekend a few months before they turn 18 - that person is not ready.
but if you've been fostering independence all along, going away for a weekend is just another stepping stone.

Thank you. I totally agree. My best friend in high school and college had very strict parents growing up. She went wild as soon as we got to college because she had never been given freedom before.

Plus, biggest laugh of the day since I have read every single one of those in different threads in the past month.

 

[Chelley00]

The majority of my friends were boys in high school. The girls were too dramatic for me.

Me too. At my high school graduation party, my grandma leaned over and asked my aunt if I had any friends that didn't have a "you know what" because there were way more boys than girls.

 

[Disney Doll]

Heck, I don't have kids. I wouldn't let my friend's high school aged child go away with their boyfriend unsupervised!

 

[KiminChicago]

I voted no and my answer has absolutely nothing to do with the sexual issue.

At that age I think there are a lot of things that could happen that two 17 year olds alone might not be ready to handle. They could have a huge fight and break up, there could be an accident, who knows?

I could see myself easily giving permission if it were a group (single sex or mixed) just because there would be more people around to help out in an emergency. Of course, I'd also have to know all the other young people who were going along so I'd have a better idea of what the weekend would involve. At that age I'm still inclined to think that there's more safety in numbers -- I realize that once the kids get to college they'll be pairing up, but at 17 they don't need to be going away for a "romantic weekend," which is kind of what that sounds like (and I don't mean romantic as a code word for sex).

 

[GJM]

My answer would probably be yes -

When I was in HS my bf was 18 and I was 17 and his family had a beach house, we would go down to the house with his family and I think 1 time it was just the 2 of us for one night before they got there. Honestly we didn't think of it as a "romantic night" away, we dated for a couple of years.

I remember one time my mother asking me if someone was at the house, and I always thought "what difference does it make" - we were alone in his house at home and in my house at times.

I guess I just see it as what happens away can happen at home.