Would this upset you? WWYD

[OceanAnnie]

I don't know. I think I would start a conversation about this very tentatively and roundabout. I'm not one to usually mince words, but no one truly knows how the grandmother feels about her situation. She may be troubled too and not showing it.

ETA- The grandmother may need to vent and hasn't. It might be good for both mother and daughter to have a talk if for no other reason but to reach an understanding.

I'd maybe ask her how it's going with the babysitting and ask her about adjusting her rate and how she feels about it. I'd see where that leads.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't know. I think I would start a conversation about this very tentatively and roundabout. I'm not one to usually mince words, but no one truly knows how the grandmother feels about her situation. She may be troubled too and not showing it.

ETA- The grandmother may need to vent and hasn't. It might be good for both mother and daughter to have a talk if for no other reason but to reach an understanding.

I'd maybe ask her how it's going with the babysitting and ask her about adjusting her rate and how she feels about it. I'd see where that leads.

You have a point. I would want to know if it is something that is bothering my mom.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But the OP has to decide which is more important, the "unfairness" of paying for something someone else is getting for free or her relationship with her family.

Sometimes letting go of something and letting people just be who they are and the way they are is the better road to take. Not for the other people but for yourself.

I am right there with you. Her mother is providing her childcare and she pays her for it, the end.

What her mother chooses to do with her time and money is her own business.

Yes it is irritating to the nth degree however when the kids don't need childcare, OP's mom is going to be doling out cash to the leeches for "this" and supporting them for "that".

At some point you have to let things go. So OP you are at a crossroad in your life when you have to decide which path you want to walk down.

You can choose to let it go and enjoy your mother taking care of the kiddos, start a war that will never be resolved, find alternate childcare, have mom be a backup provider (like when the kids are sick), etc... Make a choice for yourself that benefits YOUR CHILDREN not punishes your mother. I think that is the most important aspect of this situation.

And here is food for thought. Your children are not going to need childcare forever. It is finite.

 

[barkley]

i know it's practicly impossible to do this with family but i've finaly come to the point where with certain situations i just have to focus on the behaviour and not the individual(s). i have to ask myself 'if i were in this identical situation with persons unrelated to me how would i handle it?' or 'would i be willing to accept the way a person is treating me/behaving towards me if i were not related to them?'.

sadly, it seems we are willing to take much more crap from family than we would take from non. on the other hand it seems we believe that by virtue of being family, in buisness arrangements we are somehow exempt from common sense buisness practices.

i suspect that if the op had posted that she learned her childcare provider (non related) with whom she had a mutualy agreed upon rate for childcare was not charging one of the other parents for care, and the op was considering asking the provider to no longer charge her because she felt it (1) was'nt fair, and (2) she knew the provider was gifting the non paying family from the funds the op paid, people would have been unanimous in saying 'you better start looking for a new provider' or "myob-her buisness, her money she can do as she pleases".


i've read this entire thread and i'm still a bit confused-did the op's mom say from day one that her caring for the op's child was conditional on the op paying her? if so then that's the agreement she made, whatever agreement mom and b/sil made is their buisness (and if mom insists on talking about it you say 'i don't want to hear about it') OR when the child care arrangement came up did the op ask with the offer of pay? if that's the case then the op opened the door to paying.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

the mom isn't taking cash from the op. she is accepting payment for her services.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I learned long ago not to let such things upset me. We aren't owed, from our parents (or anyone else for that matter), our own personal perception of fairness between siblings. Practically nothing constructive ever stems from harboring such expectations.

I have to agree with this. The only feelings and expectations we can control are our own for ourselves. To expect others to behave the way we want them to is a recipe for resentment, anger and a difficult life for ourselves, not others.

To quote my own parents: life isn't fair.

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

I wouldn’t say a thing.

I could never sleep at night knowing somebody was watching my child for FREE while I went and made money. I wouldn’t care who wasn’t paying her, I would HAVE to pay her. It is a moral issue.

Your SIL should have nothing to do with your payment arrangements. Oh well. She gets a free ride. I couldn’t live with myself knowing somebody watched my child for free.

If you must leave your child for hours and hours everyday, why wouldn’t you pay the person watching them?

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

Yes, it's hard to not feel any bitterness when one is handing over the cash every week.

Handing over cash? Of course she is handing over cash. She is receiving a service day in and day out.

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

I pay for my kids activities myself. I dont complain about her paying for his hockey because.....

Because it is her money and she can do what she wants with it?

Why would you ever think you had the right to complain what your mom did with HER money?

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

My DH wants me to say something.

Like what? "We want to work full time and make money and you should watch our children for free?"

Weird.

Pay her or pay a daycare. Your choice. You decided to have children. Why should somebody watch them for free?

 

[gina2000]

Your mother's relationship with your brother is not your business. Your mother shouldn't be complaining to you about your SIL/B not paying her. If she is really upset about it, she should complain to them. She's the primary cause of your hard feelings because she's making it known to you about her agreement or lack thereof with your brother. Let them figure it out. As it stands, you need your mother for childcare and you have forged your agreement. If it's not acceptable to you, make other arrangements. Otherwise, carry on.

No parent ever treats each child exactly the same. No adult treats every other adult the same either. Accept that. Family aside, there are always givers and always takers in every relationship. Be comfortable with your role in a relationship or seek to change it or find another relationship to suit you.

I just can't imagine worrying about what my mother gives to my sibling verses what I get. It's just not my business. And as far as giving so that your nephew/niece benefits, chalk that up to being a wonderful aunt/uncle. If you weren't subsidizing activities, they wouldn't happen. Put your halo on and remind yourself that you're doing a good thing.

You're all grownups here and worrying about who gets what from your mother. Maybe you all should be worrying about what you give, not what you get. In the long run, that will make stronger relationships.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Your mother's relationship with your brother is not your business. Your mother shouldn't be complaining to you about your SIL/B not paying her. If she is really upset about it, she should complain to them. She's the primary cause of your hard feelings because she's making it known to you about her agreement or lack thereof with your brother. Let them figure it out. As it stands, you need your mother for childcare and you have forged your agreement. If it's not acceptable to you, make other arrangements. Otherwise, carry on.

No parent ever treats each child exactly the same. No adult treats every other adult the same either. Accept that. Family aside, there are always givers and always takers in every relationship. Be comfortable with your role in a relationship or seek to change it or find another relationship to suit you.

I just can't imagine worrying about what my mother gives to my sibling verses what I get. It's just not my business. And as far as giving so that your nephew/niece benefits, chalk that up to being a wonderful aunt/uncle. If you weren't subsidizing activities, they wouldn't happen. Put your halo on and remind yourself that you're doing a good thing.

You're all grownups here and worrying about who gets what from your mother. Maybe you all should be worrying about what you give, not what you get. In the long run, that will make stronger relationships.

i could not say it any better.

 

[Took]

just want to share what can happen down the line with these kinds of situations-

dh and i have a friend who was 1 of 3 kids. her mom was the same way, and she was the recipient. her mom never charged her for childcare vs. charging her siblings, 'grandma' always paid for her daughter's activites, always came up with the book fair, field trip....money. as a result the friend never had to push herself to earn the kind of money she needed to in order to support the lifestyle she and her daughter lived. never had to worry about unanticipated expenses cuz her mom was always there.

mom died very unexpectedly a several years back. friend took for granted what her mom did-never realy realized how much all those things mom picked up for her cost, how much her child's school clothes cost-how much the HIGH end school clothes her dd had developed a taste for getting on grandmas $$$ truly cost, how much daycare alone cost. she was in a financial mess which she's never realy gotten out of (old habits in spending die hard).

now the granddaughter is in her mid 20's and her relationship with her mother is awful-she learned what she lived and grew up with the presumption that her mother is OBLIGATED to provide free childcare, OBLIGATED to pick up the bills she can't pay because she's blown her paycheck-she was floored there was no free ride for college she just assumed by the lifestyle they lived when she was growing up that money was being put away by mom (after all she always heard her friends complaining about how they could'nt get certain things because their parents could'nt afford it if they were going to pay for college so she figured since she was getting those things college tuition was a done deal).

so now it's a second generation with no clue about finances and budgeting, the price this person and her child are paying for grandma enabling bad financial habits far exceeds any amount they would have paid for childcare and the 'wants' that were within their financial reach.

My thoughts, too. In theory, of course, it's none of the OP's business what arrangements grandma has made with the OP's brother. That's true. But I might like to talk (just once, and kindly) with grandma about the kind of 'enabling' she is doing with the brother and his family. The brother's family deserves the right to learn to stand on their own two feet. That won't happen if others don't allow it (and mothers can be the worst about "helping" too much).

Just my tcw.

 

[Carly_Roach]

After a long, long, long time, I decided to take the high road sprinkled with really witty zingers. Now, when my sister takes a trip, I tell her, "Oh, I wish we could go but we have to pay rent this month." It helps me, but I don't think anyone else gets the joke.

I wouldn't recommend this approach to anyone. I've seen it done, watched the fallout and have had to listen to the inevitable outcome.

Using "witty" zingers (there's nothing witty about the remark in the example above; it's just snarky) isn't taking the high road. It's being a snide witch. There's no joke here. The person making the remark feels that the target deserves their scorn and they're going to heap it out in spades.

This behavior may make you (generic you) feel better when you make it, but most of the time it makes others (who don't get the "joke") uncomfortable; they see you as a bitter, petty, angry, jealous person.

The long-term effect is that if you continue with the "witty" zingers, people won't want to be around you anymore and your friends will drift away. They'll feel (rightly so) that if you act that way with your own flesh and blood, then you'll easily act that way with them if/when you ever get angry with them.

And who needs that?

Eventually the "witty" person winds up even more miserable, they can't understand why everyone is judging them so harshly, they explain and excuse their behavior to anyone who will listen (mostly co-workers who can't leave the vicinity or internet bulletin boards) and invest time demanding validation for their behavior so they'll feel vindicated.

To the OP - I sound like a broken record but this question typically resolves many of my issues if/when they come up:

Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

This is a case where you're going to have to choose. You may be right in that what your mother is doing is unfair, but in being right you're finding yourself not happy.

If you want to be happy, then you have to decide how you're going to get yourself happy with the situation. I'd recommend removing yourself from all discussions about money and deciding whether or not the time your children spend with their grandmother is worth what you're investing.

 

[shortbun]

I should mention my SIL asked me at the beginning of summer last year if I pay my mom. I said yes, she said I've been talking to your brother and we feel we should pay her too, she asked how much we pay her, I told her (she always asks me personal financial questions which make me uncomfortable but I answer anyways) so I figured my mom would start getting money from them. Well it's been over a year and nothing. Here's the thing, we drop our kids off to her and pick them up. She goes and picks theirs up and drops them back off again. They dont even give her gas money!

Look, my mom never treated the 3 of us equally. We never got our noses out of joint about it. My in-laws are currently supporting DH's brother and his family because brother's wife is a mess and they are both out of work. We don't expect anything from them and I'm glad we don't need them. Your mom instinctively knows that your brother needs her more than you do. It has nothing to do with love. Be proud and glad that you can be more independent.

 

[BethID]

I worry about the legacy OP's mom is leaving for her kids. Does mom want them to have any type of relationship when she dies? This happened with my DH's family. One child was a taker and bled DMIL dry. DMIL always felt she was helping the taker, the others were able to take care of themselves. When DMIL passed away, my DH and his sibling have nothing to do with the taker. It is really a sad thing to see, especially since DMIL wanted her kids to be close.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I worry about the legacy OP's mom is leaving for her kids. Does mom want them to have any type of relationship when she dies? This happened with my DH's family. One child was a taker and bled DMIL dry. DMIL always felt she was helping the taker, the others were able to take care of themselves. When DMIL passed away, my DH and his sibling have nothing to do with the taker. It is really a sad thing to see, especially since DMIL wanted her kids to be close.

While I understand this line of thinking, you are leaving out the other side of the equation.

"Helping a taker" is also a form of "control" on the giver's part. Now you are indebted to them and the relationship dynamic is changed. And yes the "giver" thinks they are "helping" the leeches but in the end she is not.

The OP has a more independent mature relationship with her mother while the brother does not.

And yes they may pass a legacy of leeching/entitlement onto their kids.

OP should be grateful she is not her brother and move on.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I worry about the legacy OP's mom is leaving for her kids. Does mom want them to have any type of relationship when she dies? This happened with my DH's family. One child was a taker and bled DMIL dry. DMIL always felt she was helping the taker, the others were able to take care of themselves. When DMIL passed away, my DH and his sibling have nothing to do with the taker. It is really a sad thing to see, especially since DMIL wanted her kids to be close.

Or the OP can choose to not go that direction. A legacy like that is not carved in stone. It is based on the individuals. This brother isn't bleading anyone dry, that I understand. He is just not paying for childcare. Not a criminal offense. And no one should blame a grandmother for wanting the best for her grandchildren even if they do have stupid parents.

 

[rie'smom]

While I understand this line of thinking, you are leaving out the other side of the equation.

"Helping a taker" is also a form of "control" on the giver's part. Now you are indebted to them and the relationship dynamic is changed. And yes the "giver" thinks they are "helping" the leeches but in the end she is not.

The OP has a more independent mature relationship with her mother while the brother does not.

And yes they may pass a legacy of leeching/entitlement onto their kids.

OP should be grateful she is not her brother and move on.

It's sometimes referred to as emotional incest.

 

[MrsPete]

Would it bother me? Absolutely, yes!

Would I do anything about it? Nope. It wouldn't be worth the family drama that would inevitably result. Instead, I'd be glad that I'M the honest, upstanding person in the family, and I'd be glad that my kids would be learning those same values.