worry about kindergarten

[sdoll]

My DS is starting kindergarten in 2 weeks and he is worried sick about it. I feel so bad for him. He has been in preschool for the last 3 years and has loved it. And up to about 2 weeks ago he was very excited for kindergarten. Does anyone have any advise for me so I can help calm his worries. He has cancker sores in his mouth, won't sleep in his room, has severe seperation issues with me right now. All these things are new for him. He has always been a worrier but this is a bit extreme. I am thinking about contacting the school and seeing if I can bring him in to meet his teacher. But I don't want to be "that" parent. School is new for us this year too. He does have an open house at school the night before his first day. So I thought I could let his teacher know his concerns then. I had planned on taking him to school on his 1st day but I am not sure that would be the best thing for him. We have 7 kids on our street that he knows and plays with frequently. I think with his seperation concerns now taking him to school will only make it harder than if he road the bus. Which he has been looking forward too.
Thanks for your help!!!

 

[cristielf]

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I had a kindergartener last year with those issues. It was awful. He would go to school and be so anxious that he would throw up at his table and I'd have to come bring him a change of clothing. He rode the bus for a few weeks and then he refused to get on the bus, so I started driving him and he was okay with that for a few days and then he would refuse to get out of the car and the gym teacher who helped the kids into the school would have to literally come take him out of my car. I ended up taking him to a counselor, not sure if that helped or not, but by Thanksgiving, he was doing better. One thing the school counselor advised us is to NOT let him stay home from school. He'll rely on it and know that the more he whines, you'll cave to him. It's heartbreaking I know, but he'll come around. I'm now getting the "I don't want to go to first grade" talk, so I hope we aren't doing this all over again. Good luck!!! Know that it WILL get better, i promise!

 

[dragonfly08]

One of the neighborhood boys was in kindergarten last year. The first two weeks, he did great getting on the bus. Then suddenly there were tears and he'd fight against going in the morning. His mom did drive him in a few times when things were the worst, because she didn't want him to be traumatized (or to hold up the bus and cause trouble for the driver!), but she never let him stay home. And by the end of the year - long before that, actually - he was a totally different kid. He was smiling and chatting on the bus stop, happy to go, and happy to come home and share his day with everyone.

I'm putting my younger daughter on the bus for the first time in a few weeks and I'm a little worried. But I know that even if she has trouble at first, as long as I'm loving but firm and consistent, she'll get over it and be fine. That's simply her nature.

I'm sure things will work out! I agree with the pp...don't let him stay home because that sets the stage for problems down the road when he learns he can manipulate the situation. I don't think asking for a meeting with the teacher/tour of the school and classroom in advance is a bad idea. I personally wouldn't take him to school the first day. I know if I did that, my child would expect it every day. As our principal said at kindergarten orientation back in May, it's easier in the end if you start the way you mean to go on and just use the bus right from the beginning. Good luck!

 

[cristielf]

Yup.. My son is already begging me to drive him to school and I told him that he needs to take the bus at first so the bus driver knows where to pick him up. He needs to give it a chance at least. Before my son started Kindergarten, we had all kinds of orientation/meet the teacher things. It was great and I felt like I knew the school well even before he started. His teacher was amazing.. He's even having a Popsicle party to celebrate them starting first grade

 

[Diegosmom]

I really think you should contact the teacher now and not wait for open house. That night there will be about 30 kids and there parents and are you really going to be able to get the teacher alone. Cause you really don't want to talk about it in front of your son. Also she might have some advise and migh be able to give him a little extra attention. Also maybe try talking a drive to the schoool and playing on the playground.

 

[DuckMom]

Be "that parent." You need to do whatever you can to help your child adjust. You are only advocating for your child and if someone is going to hold that against you, oh well. I took my son in to meet his teacher a couple of weeks before school started last year and it helped. I also took him to play on the playground a couple of times over the summer and we walked through the entire "getting ready" routine a couple of mornings before kindergarten actually started. It seemed to help him because he knew what to expect. Have you read him any books about kindergarten or watched a movie about kindergarten? Is he nervous about anything specific? I know my son is starting first grade this fall and he has voiced some concerns about eating lunch at school. Good luck! He'll end up loving it, it might just take some time to get there.

 

[princessmom29]

I would not be "that parent". You are setting the tone for your entire relationship with the school at this point, and throwing your weight around is NOT the way you waqnt to do that. You can handle this without turning inot "that parent". I woul,d ask about arranging aschool tour before the open house, and perhaps a sit down with te principal of your child's teacher if she is on hand. Be nice about it and explain that oyuj are concerned becuasehtis is not typical behavior for your child and you would like to fix it BEFORE it creates a problem in the classroom. I think you will get a lot better reception that way than becoming "that parent" and making demands.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Poor baby and poor mommy! There are some things that you can do to help. First, reassure him that you know he is ready and that he will be fine. Even if you are worried, do not let him know it.

Do not talk too much about school in the next two weeks. Sorta put the backpack out of sight and enjoy the last of summer. Maybe even a week-end away if possible.

I doubt the school has even assigned the classes yet, so no, I would not be THAT parent. Also do not set your child up to be a separation problem that first day in the teachers minds when he may not!

Decide if it is better for your family for him to ride the bus or you take him to school and stick with that plan. Whatever you are planning to do, do it right from the 1st day. Bus drivers are prepared for that 1st day. If it really does not work out after a few weeks you can change.

Try to work though any particular concern he brings up:
lunch room fears....maybe carry his lunch (with his favorites the first few days)
Clothes and shoes he can handle alone.
Remind him YOU will be fine at home without him... common worry for kids


Know you are not alone.....you will both get through it and prayers that he will love kindergarten

 

[DuckMom]

Maybe I should clarify, when I said be "that parent" I wasn't advocating that you go in demanding and screaming, I was saying you should advocate for your child by asking for a meet and greet with the teacher and a chance to look at the classroom. To me, "that parent" is someone who asks for what is needed, but is pleasant about it. I don't think any reasonable person would be rude/angry with school administrators or teachers over something that is totally normal. Good luck with your situation and do what you think is best. You know your son better than any random people on a message board

 

[kitsch4]

Do you know what class your son is going to be in yet? When you find out, I would take him to visit the school. Even if the teacher isn't there, you can show him his classroom, his desk, his locker (if it's close to when school starts, these will probably be labeled), the office, bathroom, etc. Even let him play on the playground for a little bit. If the teacher is there, it would be a great time to meet him/her one on one. Like other posters said, I would not talk to the teacher about your son's fears at open house. It's not a conference, and everyone else wants to meet the teacher too.

Last year I took my son to school after we found out what class he was in and we visited his classroom and put his supplies in his locker. That way he could get a little familiar with it, and he also didn't have to lug all of his supplies to school on the first day. They also had open house the day before school started, so he was able to visit twice before school started. It really helped so he was more comfortable on the first day knowing where to go.

 

[squirrel]

Have you started reading any books about Kindergarten? That might help, if you haven't.

Do you know any of the kids in his class or grade going to that school? You could arrange a play date. Mention to your son that __________ will be going to Kindergarten at your school soon too. Just knowing that someone he knows will also be at the school might help, even if they aren't in the same grade.

If the school isn't that close to your house, maybe go there a few times to play at the playground so he's use to the school playground.

 

[2girlsR2good]

Former teacher, now administrator here. Call! Explain what's going on. I'd welcome a visit with someone who is extra anxious to ease the transition. In fact, I've been meeting with families since mid-July for all kinds of reasons, many not nearly as good as yours . I bet your administration has too. If it is unusual, then I'd just be quiet about it so as not to encourage a tidal wave of early visits.

 

[Leajess99]

Maybe I should clarify, when I said be "that parent" I wasn't advocating that you go in demanding and screaming, I was saying you should advocate for your child by asking for a meet and greet with the teacher and a chance to look at the classroom. To me, "that parent" is someone who asks for what is needed, but is pleasant about it. I don't think any reasonable person would be rude/angry with school administrators or teachers over something that is totally normal. Good luck with your situation and do what you think is best. You know your son better than any random people on a message board

In many districts the teachers do not even start until 3 to 5 days before the kids. Our sdistrict has a Kindergarten orientation/1 day camp type thing for the kids. I think all schools should offer something like this so the kids get a feel for the teacher and things they will be doing.

OP - has your child been to the school to the playground? Maybe take him up and let him play on it so he can see one of the benefits to going to school. You could call and see if the Principal or other office workers are available for a school tour.

Make sure your child does NOT see you cry or fear hin.her going off to school. It can be hard especially if it is the oldest, youngest, or only child. For some people is it all children.

Are there friends that are also heading off to kindergarten? I would set up more playdates if there are. I would be cautious in talking to older kids about Kindergarten as some kids do not like it or exaggerate their feelings which can cause more anxiety. I had a lttle boy last year tell me he hated school but in the end it was something he thought was cool to say cause big brother always said that. The child actually really liked school and did well in Kindergarten.

Good luck and just keep reassuring your child you are there for him. Also if he takes his lunch to school send him little notes in it.

 

[sdoll]

Thanks so much for the replys and advise. My son is so silly right now. He has been to his school a few times. We had a tour in the spring, he attended safety city there and his little league practice was there. He has played on the play ground numerous times. He is a worrier by nature but this is tough to watch. We have stopped talking about school and are just enjoying our time. I work full time and took his first day of school off from work. So I had planned on taking him to school. But I realize that would make it harder for him. If he started to get upset I know it would be hard for me too. I would not cry infront of him but he is no dummy. We find out his teacher next tuesday so I thought maybe I would email her and just introduce both my son and our family to her and let her know that he has been very nervous. I can not tell you how unusual my son is. He is so outgoing and comfrotable with adults and his young cousins but is VERY shy at school. Before I had kids I thought kids that were so comfortable with adults were sort of created by parents but I now know its just how they are born. He loves being the center of attention with adults but not with kids (i am sure there will be a time in my life that I am ok with this)
Thanks again.

 

[princessmom29]

Maybe I should clarify, when I said be "that parent" I wasn't advocating that you go in demanding and screaming, I was saying you should advocate for your child by asking for a meet and greet with the teacher and a chance to look at the classroom. To me, "that parent" is someone who asks for what is needed, but is pleasant about it. I don't think any reasonable person would be rude/angry with school administrators or teachers over something that is totally normal. Good luck with your situation and do what you think is best. You know your son better than any random people on a message board

From a teacher, that is not what we consider THAT parent, at least at my school. What you are describing, I have no problem with at all and would not see as out of the ordinary. The problem comes in when someone thinks that thier special darling is more inmortant that the other 29 kids in the room, no matter what, and that his/her needs or preferences should be catered to at every moment. These parents do come in demanding and screaming to get thier way. They ARE rude and/or angry about EVERYTHING and every interaction they have with the school is hostile and confrontational. This would be my definition of THAT parent, an there is at least one every year.

 

[matt and beth]

Tell him to toughen up and quick being such a sissy. Oops, sorry that was my father coming out of me. seriously, just be careful how much you cave in to him. In other words, do not feed the fire. My wife has had those parents that hover around the door for the first week of kindergarden and it just makes it worse. He will adjust and have a wonderful time. Very minor speed bump in life. Trust me, by the third one you point in the direction of the bus stop and kick them out the door. do not mention anxiety and tell him how great he is going to do. The old positive reinforcement.

 

[MickeyHereWeCome!]

My son is exactly the same way! He's going into 2nd grade now, but his year in kindergarten was terrible. In hindsight, I wish I had made a pest of myself to get him with the teacher I thought would be great with him. Instead, I chose not to be "that parent". His teacher was OK, but he needed more.

My son actually started our OK, but after the Labor Day weekend, it became a nightmare to get him to school. He wouldn't cry, but instead, he would start gagging and making himself sick right before the bus came. I didn't give in, and I had him ride the bus every day because I knew we needed to get through this. I can't even begin to tell you how terrible it was pushing my son onto the bus!

I knew the teachers (have had two go through the school so far), so I felt very confident voicing my concerns. I e-mailed his teacher letting her know what was going on so she could be prepared. I also called and spoke with the guidance counselor. It turns out that once he left me, he was fine. He hated school and couldn't wait to get home, but the gagging and making himself sick was over as soon as I was out of the picture.

I would start reading some books about kindergarten and go into the school to at least meet the office staff, and just get him used to walking through those big doors! Talk about it cheerfully...don't let him see you get upset, because they see and feel your fears! Teachers and staff won't return until maybe a week before school starts. I wouldn't hesitate to call his teacher, just to give her/him a heads-up on the situation. Believe me, teachers deal with this every year. I went through this many times as a teacher!

You will get through this!! We got through our kindergarten year, and I learned more about sticking up for my son. That year, I went in in May and spoke with the principal and reading specialist about his teacher for first grade. He needed someone extremely caring and sensitive. He got a teacher much better suited for him in 1st grade, and he had a much better year. I wish I had done this in kindergarten, but since I didn't have a valid reason for not wanting that teacher, I didn't. You live and learn.

Just be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. Often, after a long weekend or once they realize that school is their new reality, their worries get worse! Be caring and confident, but consistent.

Hang in there!!

 

[Lstar311]

As a former teacher I would not worry about the label "that parent" If you call the teacher first and express your concerns about your son and ask if you can bring him in early to meet her and see the class I'd hope she'd be willing to accomodate you. After all, it is kindergarten and is a big change. I'd just suggest a call and not a random stop in. Thats what defines "that parent" Good luck to your DS!

 

[Sheepdog23]

I am in a similar situation and we called the principal right before summer vacation and he was very happy to show us around. He took dd by the hand and showed her everything as if we weren't even there. He even said that he thought it was important that she see his office so she knew where he had to do his work and she could see that everyone at school has a place where they need to work and keep there stuff. I was very impressed and she immediately felt better. She starts next week and has been packing her bag etc but got really upset when she had to drop her little brother off at the old school. She started to panic and I just said you are ready to be a big girl now, plus how do you think mommy feels? she asked me how I felt and when I said that I was scared and upset too because it meant that she wasn't my little girl anymore, but my super big girl and I would have to be home alone while she was having fun, she started laughing. I said to her that I do not know how to be a mommy to a big girl, only a little girl, so I am scared. She said that I shouldn't worry. It will be ok. Kids can handle more than we think, we just have to give them the support they need. Call the school and explain the situation. I think they would really like to nip it the bud so they do not have a bigger situation later on should it really turn out bad.

 

[kellyg403]

My ds17 was like this as well. He had issues all the way through second grade. Like you OP, he is a worrier. If it looked like there was going to be a storm, he wanted to be at home. There were so many reasons why he could come up with for not wanting to be at school, some of them valid, some of them not so much.

We just kept going, through the crying and emotional tug of war. I spent a lot of time that first year going back and forth from school. He would find a way to get to the nurses office and need me to pick him up. I finally got to the point, I had to let him stay and not pick him up if there was no temp or blood. He also had been going to Prek with no issues whatsoever.

He just didn't want to go to school and his maturity level was such that he became an emotional mess at the beginning of school. The principal, the school counselor, the teachers...everyone absolutely great! They would remind me that after getting him to school...which was always the hardest part, he was fine. The truth was, I was emotional about it too and he could sense tht I think.

Just be consistent, not overly dramatize the situation, take him to the school andmeet the teachers the counselor, and the principal. Have him maybe go off alone with the teacher or other school official for the tour. Most of the problem is that my ds hated to be away from me. We had a hard tranisition that year from me being home to going back to work so that was a huge part of his issue. it is hard. There were days I wish I had an eject button on his seat so I could just eject him to his classroom door so i could avoid the whole crying and clinging part that made me want to cry. One day, it just disappeared literally. The 2nd week of 3rd grade. I don't know what changed, other than emotionally he was finally mature enough to realize he always came home, I was always there when he got there, and everyone at school could be a friend and have fun with him.

Take it slow and be prepared, the battle is hard on mom too. Once I started being stronger and saying no, today you have to go to school. Or when the nurse called reminding him that he had no fever or I was in a big meeting. After awhile the nurse would call and I wouldn't answer. She would leave a message and it usually included, stomach ache, no fever no throwing up etc. If I did not call back in 30 minutes she would send him back to class to wait for me to call. I would call and she would tell me he was fine, she sent him back to class and did not expect to see him again. He just had to try sometimes!

Kelly