Worried About My 6 Year Old

[Joanne UK]

Hi, I'm a bit concerned about some of the recent behaviour of my youngest daughter Emily who is 6 - 7 in November.

She's never had a problem with being left or going round to friend's houses for play or tea until a few months ago. She was invited round someone's house who she gets on Ok with but is not great friends with but she really wanted to go. I got a phone call from the girl's mum saying that Emily had a tummy ache and felt sick and wanted to come home. This happened just as she sat down to eat. Then, a couple of weeks later she was invited to another girl's house for the first time. On this occasion she only lasted 15 minutes until I got the phone call saying that she felt sick and wanted to come home.

At the beginning of the summer holidays she went round to her best friend's house for most of the day and stayed to tea. She has been around this girl's house tons of times but, when it came to meal time. again she said she felt sick but this time actually was sick at the table.

Today she was asked into a friends house who lives just 3 doors up the road from us and she was all excited until it was time to go and she threw a paddy fit which started with saying she felt sick.

She is fine if she is out with me or DH and others, or if anyone is round here. It's started impacting on all of us however as we were invited out to dinner tomorrow and Emily started panicking and saying she didn't want to go.

I think I am going to see a Doctor this coming week about it although DH says there is no need. I don't know if it is some kind of seperation anxiety or an eating with other people type phobia developing. Either way I think I need to talk it over with a professional as I'm worried that if it is left to go away on its own it will infact get worse and she may start not eating at school or even not wanting to go to school.

Sorry this has been a bit long but has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Am I over-reacting? My gut instinct tells me there may be a psychological problem developing which needs sorting before it gets any worse.

Thanks for reading - any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[natalielongstaff]

I wonder if the 1st time this happened she did genuinly feel sick/poorly and unfortunatly that experience has set off a psychological fear it would certainly be worth a chat with the doctor or HV

let us know how you get on

 

[hildasmuriel]

Poor you, it must be a big worry.

It may be something you can get sorted quickly but if she is not completely over it by the time school starts, make sure you involve them too. They should be used to such things. We had one little girl at our school who would not eat at all and in the end her Dad (who was a house husband) came in to eat with her every day until she was over it. It took a few months, but because everybody was so laid back about it, she did get better. That was 3 years ago and she is now one of the most confident young girls at our school.

 

[Head_in_the_clouds]

I'm sorry you are going through this . However, what I would say is around that age things like what you are describing with you daughter can be quite common. I am a drama teacher and one recent example I can think of is a girl who all of a sudden got really clingy first with her mum and then with me. It started when her cousin said she didn't want to be her partner in an activity one week and she just started crying inconsolably. I had to ask her mother to come and take her out the class as she was in a terrible state and I am usually really good at calming kids down - I mean this was shocking, she is seven and she was making herself sick she was so distraught. And she always fights with her cousin so it was nothing out of the ordinary. After ten minutes outside with her mum she came skipping back into class like nothing happened. Her mum stayed after and confessed she was really worried about her as she had all of a sudden got really clingy ever since she fell over and bumped her head. The next week, I set the kids a new activity and this little girl started to cry and say she couldn't do it. She had really lost her confidence and I told her I would never make her do something she wouldn't want to, but I knew she would be great at acting this particular scene out. Over the next few weeks, whenever she had to do something new she would start to cry. When I was off for a month and new teachers came in apparently she refused to take part in drama, becoming hysterical and saying how I was the only teacher she wanted. On my return her mum said how glad she has to see me back as her daughter had been in such a state. When I came back she was fine, back to normal. But she started saying things like how I couldn't ever leave! From my experience of her and other children, a "tummy ache" is often a way of them communicating to an adult that something isn't right, usually they feel sad or worried. I often have kids come to me who frequently complain about tummy aches and then confess something else to me ("the other teacher shouted at me" etc) or just burst into tears after I ask questions.
I think what your daughter may be experiencing is separation anxiety. I had it when I started reception class at school and I would refuse to eat breakfast and would vomit outside the school gates every morning through anxiety. This may describe why your daughter actually was sick. With me, I ended up not wanting to sleep over at friends houses until I was in my teens and would not even sleep over at my aunts house. I also refused to go to ballet class which I had been going to since I was a tiny thing in nappies. I was referred to an educational psychologist who suggested easing me into things, such as taking a "transitional object" with me to school (a little stuffed dog) to bring me comfort, and he identified my triggers. For example, my mum would say "I'll miss you" and that used to make me feel awful so she had to stop saying that lol. I was obsessional about time, "how long till home time?", on a friday I would be asking, "How long have I got til Monday" . My parents spoke to me alot and made me keep going to school until I saw there was nothing to be scared of. They identified that what had set me off was I had been treated very unfairly and shouted at by my teacher who hadn't seen that I had been the victim in an incident - instead I was blamed and the teacher said she was going to pull all my teeth out. When I said I wanted my mummy, she said "well she's not coming for a long time" and that is what set me off with the seperation anxiety. I didn't feel safe away from my parents.

I tell you all of this to see if you can identify any of your daughters behaviour in this? I think, as someone else suggested, there is a possiblity that something happened first time round. It could be something silly like the other girl said "My mum is going to make you eat frogs legs for tea." and it put her off her dinner or (and from my experience this is often the case) somehow, your daughter might have thought she was in trouble about something and became afraid, i.e. the mother may have got angry, or the girl may have tried to get her in trouble, she may have accidentally broke something. She may have though she was going to be forced to eat something she didn't want to. Something made her want the safety and comfort of home and her parents. Once that fear is there, she will associate similar situations with what happened at the other place, which is why she is having problems at other friends houses. You may see her start to worry or appear to be thinking more often. I do believe when she agrees to go to friends houses she genuinely wants to go and have a nice time but then out of the blue when she hears its tea time, thats a trigger. What she needs is positive experiences to prove her fears are wrong but if she isn't willing to go then that isn't going to happen. You may have to enlist the help of a member of family with children. Perhaps schedule a couple of play times at their house, without tea. Ask her if it would help if she took a toy (the transitional object. See how she goes, talk about it really positively afterwards, i.e " You had a great time at Auntie Sue's house didn't you? What did you do that was the most fun?". If she didn't have a good time encourage her to talk about why. Gradually get the relative/friend to phase things in on visits like a snack or an ice cream, maybe a trip to Mc Donalds (not that I support the idea of giving kids junk food ) but don't mention tea/dinner. After a while of positive experiences (six weeks or so), ask if they will have her round for tea. Hopefully, she will have grown out of it. I think it might be worth trying to talk to her about what happened at that first friends house. She may not want to talk about it, or just shrug her shoulders but you could ask her to draw a picture of what happened. Sometimes you have to be crafty with these things and phrase questions really carefully - "Tell me about the kind of tummy aches you have. Can you point to where they start in your tummy? Can you tell me about the first time you had one of them? What were you doing before then? What makes them go away?" I know it sounds like a lot but it will be worth it to get to the bottom of them. Hope she is better soon!

 

[Dimplenose]

As a school lunchtime supervisor I've come across a similar situation. The child was genuinely ill first time and then would panic at lunch time in case it happened again.

We handled it (with agreement from his parents) by saying that he only had to eat what he felt he could and if he didn't want to eat that was OK too.

I'm glad to say he eventually overcame his problem.

Maybe you could accept invitations to play that don't involve food and then gradually (with other parents' help) go onto snacks.

I'm sure Hildasmuriel is right that a laid back attitide is the best.

 

[joolz1910]

It sounds like anxiety. My eldest experienced something similar with a different trigger. It might stem from worry associated with eating with others. Perhaps you could try a step by step approach? You could take her to a small cafe and have a drink, then perhaps do it again but invite a friend, then have a drink and a cake...Or explain this phobia to an understanding mum and see if they will invite you both over for a picnic/lunch so that you can be with your daughter. It could be that she is worried about the food they will give her, perhaps she could take her own packed lunch with her to a friend's?

I think eating at someone else's house is quite traumatic for a child - they will worry about not liking the food etc. My daughter's friend couldn't stand foods to touch each other. Her mum didn't tell me but I noticed the worried expression on her face and I guessed what was wrong.

Good luck.

 

[wideeyes]

I would agree it is anxiety, Try not to make a fuss over it as it will make the anxiety worse, I would go to the meal however assure her she doesn't have to eat anything she doesn't want too, if she feels more relaxed she may even try something, even if it is just an ice cream. I would see the doctor too as they can give you some support and I think it is a good idea they are aware of any problems early.

Making a fuss is the worse thing you can do, I hated eating in the school canteen when at school, for me it was due to all the noise and activity in the canteen as I am highly sensitive and teachers thought I had an eating disorder so used to pressure me to eat, which made me worse as I felt everyone was watching me eat.

 

[irongirlof12]

I agree with all of the above, my youngest DD has a really bad association with food from a very young age- she had reflux as a baby and has a really bad relationship with food as a result. she can go without food for a long time, and prefers to snack rather than 'eat' a dinner. we have learned to live with this. I would suggest 'play dates' without any food involved, and then build up with time, don't rush it.

Also, have kids around and have a meal with them and ask her and her friend to 'cook' the dinner. i.e. pizza decorating, this worked really well with mine. try not to worry about it, as your anxiety can make it worse, me and DH used to have such arguements at the table , he was a 'can't leave before your have cleared the plate' and I was a 'don't mention it' type.

You can then build up with asking a parent to do a buffet type of meal with no pressure, and you could go too.

hope you get through this ok

 

[Joanne UK]

Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful replies.

There's alot for me to digest here and although I've only read through them once so far there are things that certainly make sense re Emily's situation. For instance the "transitional object" - Emily has said that she would feel better if she could take one of her own toys to her friends houses. I'd always said no as I thought this might look like I didn't think their toys were good enough so I obviously haven't thought about that properly.

I have explained the problem to all of the parents involved, I didn't want gossip in the playground to start and to find that Emily starts being excluded from house visits etc because of what's been happening. All 3 Mum's were really understanding, the mum whose house Emily only lasted 15 minutes in actually suggested trying again and this time me coming along as well - another point which someone here has mentioned in their replies.

Thanks again, I will read through again later as there is alot here for me to take on board!

 

[Ware Bears]

You've had some great advice here, hugs for Emily

 

[scojos]

maybe you could take her and her friend to mcdonlads, so she was in a neutral environment? may be if you went along on the play date she would feel less stressed? dd 6 went through similar though it only lasted a few weeks, like her mom she loves her food.
could she have been given food she is allergic too or dislikes?? have you asked her?
how about packing her a picnic if the parents are understanding? good luck...
Tracy

 

[wicket2005]

Hope it gets sorted for you both soon.

 

[tiggspring]

I agree with headintheclouds,

Here in the U.S. I worked with trouble youth in Hospital and out. It is not uncomon for a child this age to become shy or disruptive for no apparent reason. However as you look closer you usually will find the reason. Is she about to change schools or start school for the first time? If so and it was even mentioned at the other girls house it may have triggerd the anxiety.
Also ask yourself was there any Adult there while you were gone that she was unfamilure with that might have scared her somehow? Sometimes meeting somone new without family around to look at to see" is this person ok" can rattle a child this age especially if they are differnt in some way. For example my 4 yr old just met a woman with cancer who had lost an arm. This did not frienghten her at all but she did look to me first to see if I was shocked. If I had not been there there might have been a different reaction.

I would do what others have suggested play pretend and mention the girl or her home, get her to draw or make up stories about that friend and if at all possible have her meet that friend in your home where she feels safe. If she doesn't want to be with the girl in your home somthing, maybe small, happened when they were playing. If she is fine with her in your house then perhaps something happened in the house that she now feels can happen everywhere. Focus on the time around the meal. Did she see hear or smell somthing she would consider "weird" before they ate. Was she asked to eat something she has never had before and it made her sick and now she thinks she will always get sick at meals without you? Children's senseof smell and taste are much stronger at this age than ours are. A strong smell or taste could really make an unexpected impact.

The sooner you find out the "why" the better becasue these things can turn into a bad habit of not facing your fears. On the other hand do not push her too hard or she might think she did something wrong. You know your child be persistant but follow her lead. She will tell you in her own way. Lastly if she has a grandparent aunt or uncle who she is fond of have them give it a try. It is amazing what a special adult can get a child to tell you.If in a week or two you still have no clue I would go ahead and see a Dr or therapist.

Best of luck. Sending good vibes from the U.S.