Good morning, Lovely Lean Ones!
I feel like I've been put through an emotional wringer (I totally did it to myself) this weekend, and so I'm just going to do a little report in this post...
Last night:
I just had a weekend like I was so out of everything, except sea salt and vinegar chips, chicken fingers, pizza, and cheetos. I clearly seemed to be big into all of those. I saw some pictures of myself from that "spontaneous" 5K I did and it made me cry. I just look so much bigger than I am in my mind, and it's hard to see or even think that I will ever manage to get myself to a point where I don't look like this (Cue the violins for my pity party). I seem to have the will power and determination of a gnat, and now I'm feeling sorry for myself and I don't want to leave my bed, let alone do anything to lose weight (not to mention go to work).
I also let something someone said (which was actually meant to be complimentary), really mess me up. It went deep to my issues of feeling worthy and "normal" from my childhood, and I still can't quite process it.
I found out there is a new Jean M. Auel book coming out next Spring which will complete the Clan of the Cave Bear series. I decided it's been so long since I read them (I started when I was 13 or so), I'd get them from the library and start again. I have the first one, and for some reason it's not as big as I remember...but anyway, right now I feel like I want to crawl in bed with all the books and not see daylight until I read them, just to not have to think or deal with being me. I realize how ridiculously self-indulgent that is, particularly since every area of my life other than my weight is actually quite good...let's just say getting anywhere near a scale is completely beyond my capacity right now. And I don't think I have a trip to the TM in me, either. With any luck I'll go in and get some office laps going tomorrow and start to feel good about eating the healthy lunch and breakfast I've packed. We're also having turkey chili for dinner, so no reason I can't get back to eating right today. I think I'm having a "fake it 'til you make it" moment.
So, now I've thoroughly brought the thread down....
Today:
You know, I told my dh I was giving up last night. And I meant it, sort of. But then I thought some more, and I realized I just couldn't. I lost 20 lbs last year, and part of me really thinks that should be enough -- but I have a long way to go. Speaking of still being in the game, that's one of the things that inspired me. My beloved Patriots were down 20-10 yesterday, and they could have easily given up. They didn't give up and phone it in, they didn't panic, they just followed their game plan calmly and in the end they won.
It's a new day, and I feel much more like doing and less like "faking". I have my healthy breakfast and lunch, and my dh has promised to actually make the vegetables to go with dinner (he often just skips them, even when I ask), so I won't be so hungry and hit the snacks. I also have a better "just home from work plan", that I'm determined to follow. This is embarrassing, but I often come home, put on my pjs, and don't move from the bed until morning. I know this is not helping anyone. I'm going to commit to staying up and eating dinner in the dining room as a family, and then I will start the relaxing part of the evening.
I know I distort my body image, but it was really hard because I think of myself as an athlete, and I just don't look like one...and I not only still look big, I am still big, so that's another tough one. I just have to keep putting it in perspective. My dh told me I would be twice as big as I am now if I hadn't been losing for the last 2 years, and he's right.
Today is a new day! I told dh this morning that it seemed to me (and I'm sorry if I have this wrong, it's just my perception) that all the people who have really lost a lot are able to manipulate their schedules so they work -- they get enough sleep, they find time to exercise, they eat right 90% of the time. I do not get enough sleep, and getting up to work out at 4:30 is not working for me -- then I'm too tired or hungry late in the day, and I don't eat right. I have created a situation in which I have a very hard time succeeding. So, he suggested I aim to get on the TM by 6:30 (much more feasible), and we will leave for work later (we've been getting in much earlier than we need to, because he really likes to be at work for the extra hours -- but it's making me miserable).
So, my new schedule is:
Up at 6 and on the TM by 6:30
Leave for work by 8:30
Breakfast of Vitamuffin and yogurt at work
AM snack of apple slices and 2 tbsp. raw cashews
Lunch of LC, raw veggies and sugar-free jello
PM snack of wasa crisps and laughing cow
Get home and do Flylady chores (it's been a long time since I did these, and I'm excited to get ready to FLY through the holidays!)
Dinner of salmon, rice and steamed veggies, w/WW ice cream treat for dessert
TV/down time
Bed by 10 pm
I missed the workout this morning, but I can follow it other than that.
For anyone who's wondering -- FLY through the holidays means there's a Holiday Journal (I start cleaning in Oct., but the planning can start anytime), you can download from FlyLady's website which will help you get ready for the holidays. I love using it, it has all space to keep track of meal plans, recipes, gift plans -- what you want to buy, budget, and marking off when you have it and have wrapped it, sizes, holiday travel plans, holiday cards, everything you can think of! This is a great time to get me enthused about doing a better job of taking care of my home and getting ready for all the fun of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas -- I enjoy it all so much more when I know I've done everything I want to and I can relax and enjoy the time with my family! if you google "FlyLady Holiday Control Journal" it should come up, I encourage everyone to just give it a look and see if there are parts that will be useful for you. It seems we have twice the responsibilities around the holidays, and being really organized can be a lifesaver!
Maria
