Working mom vent

[Mkrop]

I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be a single parent. I admire all of the single moms.

I think the SAHM's probably aren't trying to be mean. They just don't understand. Last year I took a vacation day to volunteer for my son's field trip. As soon as I got there, the usual moms (you know the ones that go on every field trip) acted like I was from outer space. So I started talking with them, introducing myself. The homeroom mom said "Its about time you showed up for something." I replied, "Well, it is a little hard when you work full-time and need to take a vacation day to be here. So when you are at the beach this summer, remember me at work, since I am taking my vacation day now." Her face turned white. Later on, she apologized to me, but I think she really didn't understand or rather she talked with thinking.

Some of us do and would never in a million years think to say something so hurtful to another person!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Have you been a working mom? Working moms do the office job during the day and then do alot of the stuff the SAHM did during the day at night while doing everything the SAHM is doing at night too. Try getting home from work, making dinner at 6 PM with everybody starving, cleaning it up, doing the laundry, doing homework, giving baths, cleaning the house a little, and then dropping in bed exhausted.

Yes, I was a single working mom, 2 young sons, for over 10 years. I have worked at times 70 hours a week, and still did laundry and fed the kids. And I still think being a SAHM is harder.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I know being a SAHM is hard work and I commend you for it. But just because I have a career does not mean that my parental responsibilities go away. I have still have a child to raise and a house to clean. I sympathize with the poster for not giving to the PTA. Why should she if she is treated like a second class parent?

She shouldn't ...I think it is wrong of the other moms to treat her that way. My response was to a person that posted that SAHM's don't work, and have all this free time all day.

 

[kpm76]

Yes, I was a single working mom, 2 young sons, for over 10 years. I have worked at times 70 hours a week, and still did laundry and fed the kids. And I still think being a SAHM is harder.

I am genuinely curious as to why you think being a SAHM is harder? I am not trying to be rude at all but it sounds like your situation before becoming a SAHM was very stressful.

I do think this is a really subjective thing though. Some moms just could not stand the thought of being home with kids all day. I have friends like this and it certainly does not make them bad moms. If anything, it makes them better moms for recognizing what is best for them and their family situation. Trust me, there are days I feel like pulling every hair in my head out, especially when my DD has climbed the coffee table for the 100th time, but nothing compares to having the stress of getting up and out in the morning and having to deal with alternative child care when DD caught a bad stomach bug on the second day of daycare......

 

[disykat]

Maybe I'm not reading the original post correctly... Are you upset because a meeting that you wouldn't be attending anyway (it's about the Halloween party, not the Christmas party) is being held during the day because that is the most convenient time for the moms who ARE attending?

I think that the person(s) who are doing the majority of the work for any particular event should be able to decide when to have their meetings.

What about moms who work evenings? What about single moms who don't have a husband to watch the kids in the evening while they attend a meeting?

There is no one time that is going to work for everyone.

ITA. There is no reason for them to have the meeting in the evening if the people planning it are more available in the daytime. When people who are involved can meet more easily in the evening, they should meet in the evening. It's really that easy!

When I was heavily involved in PTA, we had some meetings in the evenings due to people complaining that working parents couldn't come. Guess who came? It was the exact same people - all of whom would rather have come in the daytime. Very irritating.

PTA board meetings should be held when those on the board can come. In my experience, some years that needed to be in the daytime, some years it was in the evening. General membership meetings should be in the evening. Committee meetings should be held when the majority of those on the committee agree to. It's not rocket science!

These posts come on here pretty regularly and they irritate me each time. I need to step away from the keyboard!

I would be pretty irritated it I had to take time away from an evening with my family or cancel other evening plans to plan something as inconsequencial as a classroom party. It seems like that could be done with a phone call. Doing it for fear of offending someone who wasn't even on the committee would just be strange.

 

[McKelly]

To those that say they can't have night time meetings because there is no childcare, have you checked with your middle and high schools? We have the student council kids come in and watch toddler age and up kids. They like to do it for community service hours.

 

[aprilgail2]

To those that say they can't have night time meetings because there is no childcare, have you checked with your middle and high schools? We have the student council kids come in and watch toddler age and up kids. They like to do it for community service hours.

We could not do that in our school- its against PTA insurance rules to have child care at any time. Some parents bring them to a meeting but they have to sit down and be quiet with their parent. My daughter will bring her homework or her nintendo and just hang out and play while we are in a meeting.
I am a single working parent, I am treasurer of the PTA, girl scout leader, chairing supermarket bingo and the chinese auction- we have all our meetings for those in the evening because that is when it works for me-if other committees want to meet during the day that is fine. When I joined the PTA and they would ask me "can you do this or that" I would just say- just tell me which meet and are in the evening because those are the only ones I can make. I work a bunch of events, all evening ones- I save my sick days and personal days for class trips and last year I was class mom so I saved days to take off for each party. And I am putting in to be class mom again next year- I may not be a SAHM and able to do everything at the school but I do what I can and it is still more than others choose to do- whatever- we all do what makes us happy or we feel we have to do. Many of the SAHM's can't do the class parent thing or field trip thing because they have younger kids at home and they are not welcome in the school for class parties or on field trips.
I don't have a heck of a lot of spare time and sometimes laundry backs up and we may eat out way to much some weeks because I am to tired or pressed for time to cook- but its all good- another 2 years and she will be in Jr. high and life will be back to just girl scouts- they don't do to many events at the Jr HIgh with the PTA and moms don't go on class trips once they get into Jr high, there are no class moms and no class parties so I might as well do what I can now before I miss out on it all.

 

[ZachnElli]

Seriously? I've worked my entire adult life in some pretty stressful jobs (military, lawyer, ect.) and being a SAHM is much more stressful.

.

I was a SAHM for 12 1/2 years. I've been working full time for almost a year now and I find working full time with 3 kids to be way more work and way more stressful. Staying at home with my kids was very enjoying and fulfilling. The only time I found it stressful would be when they were all sick at once, but that only lasts a few days. I really don't see where there is stress in being a SAHM, remember I was one for 12 1/2 years.

 

[mdrob214]

I don't think it serves women very well to judge how each other spends her day, working outside of the home or not.

The Mommy Wars are terrible. I stay home with my DD who is 16 months old (I do some contract work). When she was 8 months old, I went back to my former job on a part time basis. I was never so stressed in all my life! For me, being home is a gift and a blessing. It's not for everyone though and the key is respecting people's personal decisions. Some women chose to work outside the home because they love their job while others have to work to support their families. Being a mom is a lot of work. Period. Sorry though, I do think being a SAHM is a luxury. Working moms still have to do all of the things we do during the day but in a compressed timeframe. I think some women are just insecure about their situations so attack others to build themselves up. I have DD is gym and music classes and I have (unfortunately) met some SAHMs that are so out in left field that I actually needed to find other play groups for DD because I could not stand their attitudes. It's like working moms are evil to them. Ugh, let's just stop and support each other instead of saying "I work harder than you."

Here's the thing. Until we stop grouping people together into concrete groups of "Working Moms--who never help out" and "Stay at Home Moms--who form a clique and do everything" this will always happen. Just because you work, doesn't mean you don't help out, and just because you stay at home doesn't mean that you do. People do what they can/want to do for the PTO. Doesn't make them bad if they don't volunteer, nor are they better for doing so. I am a SAHM who doesn't really participate in PTO anymore. I pay my dues and volunteer for things I enjoy doing(usually those that directly involve my kid) and have done several jobs over the 10 years I've had kids at elementary school. Over those years I spent 4 as a working mom and those were probably the years I was most involved.

To those that say they can't have night time meetings because there is no childcare, have you checked with your middle and high schools? We have the student council kids come in and watch toddler age and up kids. They like to do it for community service hours.

You can have even 5th and 6th graders supervise playtime with the help of one or two adults. Or do as out district did--ask the HS service organizations to come and babysit. It' only once a month or even every other month so it doesn't take that much time.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Hmmm...not for nothing..but I have worked full time and as a SAHM. The SAHM job is 10 times harder and busier then a full time office job. Just my .02.

You're kidding, right? Try being a single parent from day one. Stayed home the first year with the baby...no help from anyone. Back to work after a year. Then juggle working with having a great boss who let me out of work to volunteer at school, attend plays, etc. Then stay at work extra hours throughout the week to make up the missed hours while attending things. Throw in what SAHMs do all day into the evenings. Being a SAHM is a breeze! If not, maybe you haven't figured out the most effective way to do it.

 

[natenapril]

You're kidding, right? Try being a single parent from day one. Stayed home the first year with the baby...no help from anyone. Back to work after a year. Then juggle working with having a great boss who let me out of work to volunteer at school, attend plays, etc. Then stay at work extra hours throughout the week to make up the missed hours while attending things. Throw in what SAHMs do all day into the evenings. Being a SAHM is a breeze! If not, maybe you haven't figured out the most effective way to do it.

I personally think you and the person you quoted are both wrong to be in competition with each other. Why does it have to be this way? We each chose what is right for our families.

 

[java]

And like it or not, your schedule is flexible -- a working parent's isn't. And that was my point.

yeah flexible
I have never been on more of a schedule than I am right now- with my kids.

Why all the hostility? Some people chose to work, others chose to stay home. Some HAVE to work, others chose to work. whatever. If it works for your family great.
I am confused by the op's ? to begin with. I thought you didn't want to do this party anyway. How do you even know there are working mom's that want to attend the meeting?
When you run your meeting during Holiday time do it at a time YOU pick.
what's the problem?

I've been a free babysitter for my working friends many times. And they have helped me out with driving when I was in the hospital. We help each other and respect each other. It is so much easier when you work together rather than put each other down.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

Hmmm...not for nothing..but I have worked full time and as a SAHM. The SAHM job is 10 times harder and busier then a full time office job. Just my .02.

THATS THE TRUTH!!! I quit my job to be a SAHM and boy do I wish some days that I could just go to work! Taking care of a newborn is 100000 times harder than the job I had as a computer tech!

 

[EMom]

You're kidding, right? Try being a single parent from day one. Stayed home the first year with the baby...no help from anyone. Back to work after a year. Then juggle working with having a great boss who let me out of work to volunteer at school, attend plays, etc. Then stay at work extra hours throughout the week to make up the missed hours while attending things. Throw in what SAHMs do all day into the evenings. Being a SAHM is a breeze! If not, maybe you haven't figured out the most effective way to do it.

Sheesh, I wanted to stay out of this one, but enough is enough. You seem to have a major chip on your shoulder and just won't take JoiseyMom at her word. In her opinion, and in her experience, being a SAHM was harder. Others who have worked outside the home and also been a SAHM thought being a SAHM was more stressful. For my part, I can't say, since I haven't worked since DD came along. I'm not so sure I'd have the same opinion, but I'd at least respect that THEY found being a SAHM to be harder and more stressful. By the same token, I'd respect that you found the opposite to be true. Reasonable people can differ on this point, you know.

This whole thread is a tempest in a teapot. The two moms in the OP's post were planning a Halloween party and the majority of the moms helping with it were SAHMs who found that meeting during the day suited their needs best. The OP had nothing to do with the Halloween party. When it's her turn to do the Christmas party (or whatever it's called these days) then she can have an evening meeting if that's convenient for her. If the other moms want to help with that party, they'll find a way to make it to the evening meeting. Problem solved.

If a school has a high percentage of working parents (and usually the moms are the ones involved in the PTO) and they want an active PTO, then they'll have evening meetings. At our school, most of the moms are SAHM and evening meetings would not be a hit. Too many traveling husbands, no one wants to get a sitter when they're at the school volunteering so often anyway, and the kids have lots of homework and activities after school. It would just be a hassle. Organizing parties, luncheons, field trips, etc. is mostly done by email. We don't need to meet for that. If a working mom/dad wants to do something like help at a party, we usually work around their schedule and give them first dibs so as to make it easier for them to join in. Last year, another mom (she had taken off work) did a project with the class and when it was over, there was a lot of clean up to be done. I hadn't realized she had taken off work, and when I did, I told her I'd finish up so she could get back to work. (I had noticed she looked a little anxious and it seems the project took longer than expected and she had a meeting coming up soon.) I figured that she'd taken off work, her child was thrilled she'd been there to help, and what would it hurt me to clean up all the stuff so she could get back to work? It only took me 15-20 extra minutes or so, but I had the flexibility and she didn't. The way I saw it, I was not only doing her a favor, I was really doing it for the kids. I wanted to make it easier for her to come in and help, not harder, because the kids love it when parents show up for class.

I don't know why it has to be working moms vs. SAHMs, when really it shouldn't be about the parents at all.

 

[ZachnElli]

Sheesh, I wanted to stay out of this one, but enough is enough. You seem to have a major chip on your shoulder and just won't take JoiseyMom at her word. In her opinion, and in her experience, being a SAHM was harder. Others who have worked outside the home and also been a SAHM thought being a SAHM was more stressful. For my part, I can't say, since I haven't worked since DD came along. I'm not so sure I'd have the same opinion, but I'd at least respect that THEY found being a SAHM to be harder and more stressful. By the same token, I'd respect that you found the opposite to be true. Reasonable people can differ on this point, you know.

.

Why is it that only the working moms have a chip on their shoulders? How come when a SAHM says that it's harder to stay home with kids, they aren't the ones with the chip on their shoulder? It goes both ways.

 

[Planogirl]

I personally hated being a SAHM. It wasn't harder as far as work and time went but I missed adult interaction and I missed the whole work environment. At times, I was just plain lonely too but we lived way out in the boonies back then.

Being a working Mom is hard too for me but in a different way. I was always way more tired plus I never had time for anything!

Both can be hard IMO but just in different ways.

 

[Cindy F]

Hmm, this reminds me of the whole breastfeeding or bottlefeeding fight...and just as silly. What does it matter? Everybody works in one way or another, I imagine there are very few of us that get to lay on the couch our whole lives and do nothing....they call those "husbands" ~grin~ jk

I've done every combo you can think of between work, home, and school and I personally think going to school full time, completing my residency requirements, working two jobs, raising an 8 year old and one year old by myself, and getting up every 2 hours to give breathing treatments were the hardest. Does that make me a better or worse mom? I bet you can find people who would argue both sides! Some would say "what a good mom you were to do all that" and others would say "What a terrible mom to spread herself so thin."

But I think it just makes me a regular mom who had to do what was right for her family.

As far as who does more work or who has it the hardest, you can't really measure that can you? There are too many variables you would have to control for...for example: How many kids does the SAHM have? What are the ages? Are there special needs? Are there ex husbands/wives involved? How supportive is the father? How old is the SAHM and what kind of coping skills and family/friend support does she have?

For the working moms: What kind of job is it? How many hours are expected? Is it a family friendly environment? Is it an overly political environment? and of course some of the same issues as above with the SAHM.

We can argue this issue till the cows come home but it will continue to remain an "us/them" conversation because people like to argue! Especially women, we LOVE it! ~grin~

Very seldom are things black or white, you have to be able to see the many shades of gray and accept them all.

 

[allison443]

I have been both as well and I always felt being a SAHM was far easier than working outside the home.

I totally agree! (I have been part time, full time, and SAHM.)

 

[bumbershoot]

ITA. There is no reason for them to have the meeting in the evening if the people planning it are more available in the daytime. When people who are involved can meet more easily in the evening, they should meet in the evening. It's really that easy!

Well, how do you get the people involved, if they can't go to the planning meetings? If they can't go to the planning meetings, they can't be involved, so then the people AT the meetings thing "why hold it during a time others can be here, since they aren't involved?"

Awful circle.

*******

And I'm so glad we're homeschooling.

Should DS ever want to go to school and I can find a good one....HUBBY is the one dealing with all this pta/pto stuff.

My mom had absolutely no choice about working until I was out of high school, and then she worked to help with college (she had a new hubby and neither of them felt that he should foot those bills). I'm not sure she even spent ONE SECOND worrying about pta stuff. She could not participate and as far as I remember, she did not participate. Period. No choice, no worries.

Then again, I'm not even sure we HAD a pta or whatever. There certainly was no organization helping us afford field trips! My mom worked her booty off to send that money so we could participate. Would have been nice to have it be $1!



And all I can say about working vs being with my kid....DS has never been as childish as some of my co-workers were! And after spending time with him as a newborn, there is no job in the universe that would pay me enough to pay a quality daycare provider what I think they should get, to deal with not just a newborn, but *someone else's* newborn that they can't just nurse or lie down with for a nap, etc...can't even imagine how hard that must be.

 

[chrisw127]

I was a SAHM for 12 1/2 years. I've been working full time for almost a year now and I find working full time with 3 kids to be way more work and way more stressful. Staying at home with my kids was very enjoying and fulfilling. The only time I found it stressful would be when they were all sick at once, but that only lasts a few days. I really don't see where there is stress in being a SAHM, remember I was one for 12 1/2 years.

I'm sure it is difficult. But no matter how many generals I had barking at me to get something done when I worked, I never had one follow me into the bathroom and cry when I was trying to use it.

My kids are pretty young and two of the three are twins. Twins!!!!!!!!! I think it also depends on what you do all day. I take care of everything so my husband can enjoy the kids when he gets home. I cook everything from scratch and the house is always clean. I also volunteer at my kindergardener's school. On top of teaching the kids Mandarin and how to play the violin. Okay, I'm lying about the Mandarin and violin part