Work Retreat Cruise - Don't Want to Go!

[cbg1027]

We have a bit of dilemma with my DH's job regarding a trip his employer is 'treating' the employees to, and I wanted to see what opinions and insight other have on the situation. Sorry for the length, please bear with me!

My DH started a new job in April and it's been a great fit for the most part. He was told when he started that the company does a retreat for the employees once a year, usually a cruise. They work for one day and are free for the rest of the trip. Significant others and children are welcome to come. The company pays for the employees. Anyone else coming along has to be paid for by the employee. Initially, this all sounded wonderful. DH told me they were looking at dates in October or November for the trip this year. The company finally announces in mid-August that they will be doing a five night cruise starting the Monday after Thanksgiving.

My first thought was that five nights seems bit long to cruise with your co-workers. Also a long time for people to be away from their families. With only 3 months notice, some people may not be able to get a whole week of, right after Thanksgiving.

DH and I have a trip to Disney scheduled for Saturday October 22 - Tuesday October 25. On the 25th, my best friend is flying in to Tampa from Arizona. DH will be going home that day, and I will be going to Tampa to pick up my friend and have a girls trip until that Friday the 28th.

I work in the banking industry and federal regulations require people in 'sensitive' positions to take five consecutive business days off per year. So October 24-28 has already been approved for my five days off at work.

DH and I don't really like the idea of cruises. We are not excited about going on one. (Of course, if it was a Disney cruise I would be more open to it!)

This is going to sound silly, but DH and I have never been apart for more than four days since we met, and that was only one time. DH needs me on this work cruise so he doesn't go insane, get too bored, or annoyed. I want to go and support him. But I don't have enough vacation time to take another five days off work.

In addition, my company specifically requests everyone take their five days before November since the holidays are busy in banking.

To add to all these issues, this cruise goes to the Bahamas and neither I nor DH have active passports. Mine is expired and will be $110 to renew. DH does not have his expired passport, which means he will have to apply 'from scratch',and that includes submitting a certified copy of his birth certificate. Well, we don't have DH's birth certificate, and neither do his parents. In order to get a copy, it's $40. But we have to pay $60 in order to get the certificate in time to submit and receive the passport before the cruise. The passport application for DH is $150.

DH's company is rooming single travelers together to cut down on cabin cost. DH is really dreading this. He is a solitary person who needs peace and quiet to function and recharge.

If on the outside chance I can go on the cruise, the cost of this 'gift' trip will be more than $755 total.
$435 for my cruise fare
$110 for my passport
$150 DH's passport
$60 DH's birth certificate
Money for gas to drive to the cruise port (several hours away).

Plus, if we ever want soda, alcohol, or anything not included in the cruise fare, that is an additional charge.

The point of all this is that I am feeling somewhat angry and resentful that DH's company expects their employees to be able to be away from their families for 6 days, has active passports or the budget to get them, and that anyone really wants to be with their employer and co-workers for almost a week. When DH first told me about this retreat, I was envisioning a two, maybe three night deal. But five nights!?!?!? Come on!If I cannot go, then DH wants to pay the $435 so he can have a cabin to himself. DH feels the trip is mandatory. I don't think it was phrased that way, but all employees are expected to go. I keep asking him if we can come up with some reason he can't go - serious sea sickness?

We can't cancel the October trip - we have non-refundable Food and Wine events booked, and my best friend has a plane ticket booked!

Am I being unreasonable in my anger and annoyance about this whole situation? I don't want to devastate DH if I am unable to go. I don't want to spend so much money on something neither of us wants to do!!!

 

[ronandannette]

We have a bit of dilemma with my DH's job regarding a trip his employer is 'treating' the employees to, and I wanted to see what opinions and insight other have on the situation. Sorry for the length, please bear with me!My DH started a new job in April and it's been a great fit for the most part. He was told when he started that the company does a retreat for the employees once a year, usually a cruise. They work for one day and are free for the rest of the trip. Significant others and children are welcome to come. The company pays for the employees. Anyone else coming along has to be paid for by the employee. Initially, this all sounded wonderful. DH told me they were looking at dates in October or November for the trip this year. The company finally announces in mid-August that they will be doing a five night cruise starting the Monday after Thanksgiving.

My first thought was that five nights seems bit long to cruise with your co-workers. Also a long time for people to be away from their families. With only 3 months notice, some people may not be able to get a whole week of, right after Thanksgiving. DH and I have a trip to Disney scheduled for Saturday October 22 - Tuesday October 25. On the 25th, my best friend is flying in to Tampa from Arizona. DH will be going home that day, and I will be going to Tampa to pick up my friend and have a girls trip until that Friday the 28th. I work in the banking industry and federal regulations require people in 'sensitive' positions to take five consecutive business days off per year. So October 24-28 has already been approved for my five days off at work. DH and I don't really like the idea of cruises. We are not excited about going on one. (Of course, if it was a Disney cruise I would be more open to it!)This is going to sound silly, but DH and I have never been apart for more than four days since we met, and that was only one time. DH needs me on this work cruise so he doesn't go insane, get too bored, or annoyed. I want to go and support him. But I don't have enough vacation time to take another five days off work.

In addition, my company specifically requests everyone take their five days before November since the holidays are busy in banking. To add to all these issues, this cruise goes to the Bahamas and neither I nor DH have active passports. Mine is expired and will be $110 to renew. DH does not have his expired passport, which means he will have to apply 'from scratch',and that includes submitting a certified copy of his birth certificate. Well, we don't have DH's birth certificate, and neither do his parents. In order to get a copy, it's $40. But we have to $60 in order to get the certificate in time to submit and get the passport before the cruise. The passport application for DH is $150. DH's company is rooming single travelers together to cut down on cabin cost. DH is really dreading this. He is a solitary person who needs peace and quiet to function and recharge. If on the outside chance I can go on the cruise, the cost of this 'gift' trip will be more than $755 total. $435 for my cruise fare$110 for my passport$150 DH's passport$60 DH's birth certificate
Money for gas to drive to the cruise port (several hours away).

Plus, if we ever want soda, alcohol, or anything not included in the cruise fare, that is an additional charge.The point of all this is that I am feeling somewhat angry and resentful that DH's company expects their employees to be able to be away from their families for 6 days, has active passports or the budget to get them, and that anyone really wants to be with their employer and co-workers for almost a week. When DH first told me about this retreat, I was envisioning a two, maybe three night deal. But five nights!?!?!? Come on!If I cannot go, then DH wants to pay the $435 so he can have a cabin to himself. DH feels the trip is mandatory. I don't think it was phrased that way, but all employees are expected to go. I keep asking him if we can come up with some reason he can't go - serious sea sickness?

We can't cancel the October trip - we have non-refundable Food and Wine events booked, and my best friend has a plane ticket booked!

Am I being unreasonable in my anger and annoyance about this whole situation? I don't want to devastate DH if I am unable to go. I don't want to spend so much money on something neither of us wants to do!!!

I get that you don't like the idea, whether or not I can really identify with your reasons. I'd suggest you just resign yourself to your DH going - as a new hire it's likely best for him to just keep his head down and comply. FWIW though, the impression I get is that neither of you have a very accurate vision of what cruising is all about and if it makes any difference to you, as US citizens you DON'T need passports to cruise to the Bahamas.

 

[OhhBother]

My husband and I didn't spend a night apart the first 15 years we were married. Then we lived apart (commuting) for 18 months due to work. I can tell you our relationship is stronger now that we occasionally spend a day or two apart, although thankfully we do live together again full time.

There's really no option for your husband not to go. As a VP, I expect all my employees to attend company retreats. It's part of the job. Particularly as a new employee, his reputation in the company will be tarnished if he doesn't go. He'l be "left out" of all the team building and camaraderie that occurs in situations like this.

Ideally, you'll be able to go. But if you can't, he needs to go anyway. And I agree with the PP -- you're selling cruising short. It's a ton of fun. A five-night cruise is considered a short cruise. And ships are big enough that you never have to see his co-workers after the retreat portion if you don't want to.

 

[Hrhpd]

We have a bit of dilemma with my DH's job regarding a trip his employer is 'treating' the employees to, and I wanted to see what opinions and insight other have on the situation. Sorry for the length, please bear with me!

My DH started a new job in April and it's been a great fit for the most part. He was told when he started that the company does a retreat for the employees once a year, usually a cruise. They work for one day and are free for the rest of the trip. Significant others and children are welcome to come. The company pays for the employees. Anyone else coming along has to be paid for by the employee. Initially, this all sounded wonderful. DH told me they were looking at dates in October or November for the trip this year. The company finally announces in mid-August that they will be doing a five night cruise starting the Monday after Thanksgiving.

My first thought was that five nights seems bit long to cruise with your co-workers. Also a long time for people to be away from their families. With only 3 months notice, some people may not be able to get a whole week of, right after Thanksgiving.

DH and I have a trip to Disney scheduled for Saturday October 22 - Tuesday October 25. On the 25th, my best friend is flying in to Tampa from Arizona. DH will be going home that day, and I will be going to Tampa to pick up my friend and have a girls trip until that Friday the 28th.

I work in the banking industry and federal regulations require people in 'sensitive' positions to take five consecutive business days off per year. So October 24-28 has already been approved for my five days off at work.

DH and I don't really like the idea of cruises. We are not excited about going on one. (Of course, if it was a Disney cruise I would be more open to it!)

This is going to sound silly, but DH and I have never been apart for more than four days since we met, and that was only one time. DH needs me on this work cruise so he doesn't go insane, get too bored, or annoyed. I want to go and support him. But I don't have enough vacation time to take another five days off work.

In addition, my company specifically requests everyone take their five days before November since the holidays are busy in banking.

To add to all these issues, this cruise goes to the Bahamas and neither I nor DH have active passports. Mine is expired and will be $110 to renew. DH does not have his expired passport, which means he will have to apply 'from scratch',and that includes submitting a certified copy of his birth certificate. Well, we don't have DH's birth certificate, and neither do his parents. In order to get a copy, it's $40. But we have to pay $60 in order to get the certificate in time to submit and receive the passport before the cruise. The passport application for DH is $150.

DH's company is rooming single travelers together to cut down on cabin cost. DH is really dreading this. He is a solitary person who needs peace and quiet to function and recharge.

If on the outside chance I can go on the cruise, the cost of this 'gift' trip will be more than $755 total.
$435 for my cruise fare
$110 for my passport
$150 DH's passport
$60 DH's birth certificate
Money for gas to drive to the cruise port (several hours away).

Plus, if we ever want soda, alcohol, or anything not included in the cruise fare, that is an additional charge.

The point of all this is that I am feeling somewhat angry and resentful that DH's company expects their employees to be able to be away from their families for 6 days, has active passports or the budget to get them, and that anyone really wants to be with their employer and co-workers for almost a week. When DH first told me about this retreat, I was envisioning a two, maybe three night deal. But five nights!?!?!? Come on!If I cannot go, then DH wants to pay the $435 so he can have a cabin to himself. DH feels the trip is mandatory. I don't think it was phrased that way, but all employees are expected to go. I keep asking him if we can come up with some reason he can't go - serious sea sickness?

We can't cancel the October trip - we have non-refundable Food and Wine events booked, and my best friend has a plane ticket booked!

Am I being unreasonable in my anger and annoyance about this whole situation? I don't want to devastate DH if I am unable to go. I don't want to spend so much money on something neither of us wants to do!!!

I guess I am confused. A 4 day girls trip is ok but a 5 day business retreat (pretty standard) is taking people away from their families for too long?

5 days is not a big deal. If your husband ever has to take a business trip, they are often a full business week. Have him go and do his business thing. It would not be good business to be a new employee and to make up an excuse to not participate in a yearly retreat.

edited to take out "the rule" since ronandannette already ruled it

 

[ronandannette]

The Rule

I guess I am confused. A 4 day girls trip is ok but a 5 day business retreat (pretty standard) is taking people away from their families for too long?

5 days is not a big deal. If your husband ever has to take a business trip, they are often a full business week. Have him go and do his business thing. It would not be good business to be a new employee and make up an excuse to not participate in a yearly retreat.

I "ruled" it in post #2.

 

[Hrhpd]

I "ruled" it in post #2.

I started my post before you answered so didn't see it. Nobody had answered yet when I started the post

 

[MSLRAC]

I guess I don't see issue. It's 5 days and you're welcome to go. Yes, you have to pay your own way and purchase your own alcohol but that's pretty standard. My DH travels with work all the time. He's actually flying out to CA on Sunday for a week. It's part of his job and we knew that going in. It sounds like your DH was told about these retreats going in and that he didn't ask for more info on them before accepting the job. Now it's too late and I would suspect that there will be negative ramifications if he refuses to attend.

Also, neither of you need a passport to cruise. You can cruise closed loop with just a valid state ID and certified copy of your birth certificate.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'll join the choir of "you don't have to go with him" responses. Cruises actually make it quite easy to do your own thing. They'll probably be at the same or close tables for dinner, but other than that, he can easily "get lost" on the ship if he doesn't want to hang out with them. There's a lot to explore on the ship (not to mention at ports of call). Crap I went on a bachelorette cruises earlier this year and we didn't even do everything together. I'd never expect a work retreat to involve 24/7 contact.

 

[cbg1027]

I get that you don't like the idea, whether or not I can really identify with your reasons. I'd suggest you just resign yourself to your DH going - as a new hire it's likely best for him to just keep his head down and comply. FWIW though, the impression I get is that neither of you have a very accurate vision of what cruising is all about and if it makes any difference to you, as US citizens you DON'T need passports to cruise to the Bahamas.

Everything I've read says passports ate not required on closed loop cruises, but that it is strongly advised to have one.

My husband and I didn't spend a night apart the first 15 years we were married. Then we lived apart (commuting) for 18 months due to work. I can tell you our relationship is stronger now that we occasionally spend a day or two apart, although thankfully we do live together again full time.

There's really no option for your husband not to go. As a VP, I expect all my employees to attend company retreats. It's part of the job. Particularly as a new employee, his reputation in the company will be tarnished if he doesn't go. He'l be "left out" of all the team building and camaraderie that occurs in situations like this.

Ideally, you'll be able to go. But if you can't, he needs to go anyway. And I agree with the PP -- you're selling cruising short. It's a ton of fun. A five-night cruise is considered a short cruise. And ships are big enough that you never have to see his co-workers after the retreat portion if you don't want to.

DH agrees he must go. He's very committed to work. I'm not saying a cruise won't be any fun, but it's not something we would ever choose to spend our money on with limited funds.

The Rule

I guess I am confused. A 4 day girls trip is ok but a 5 day business retreat (pretty standard) is taking people away from their families for too long?

5 days is not a big deal. If your husband ever has to take a business trip, they are often a full business week. Have him go and do his business thing. It would not be good business to be a new employee and make up an excuse to not participate in a yearly retreat.

The girls trip will require much less time apart. We would part around lunchtime Tuesday and I would be home early afternoon Friday (approximately 75 hours). The cruise trip will require him leaving early morning on a Monday and not returning until Saturday evening - around 135 hours, almost twice the time of the girls trip.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Sounds like I being a spoiled baby about this and need to buck up. It just sucks.

 

[karensi]

Just want to add one thing, PPs are correct, passports are NOT required but are strongly suggested because should anything happen and your husband would have to fly home early he wouldn't be allowed to do so without the passport. That being said, my DD and her husband have gone on 3 or 4 cruises now and they don't have a passport. I wish they would get them but they don't want to spend the money and so far we/they have never had a problem.
I certainly don't want to be a Debbie Downer but just thought you should know this.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I'd find a way to go on that cruise if my spouse worked for that company. So would my spouse if I did. I don't see the anger at the company. They informed your husband when he started.

 

[sonnyjane]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Sounds like I being a spoiled baby about this and need to buck up. It just sucks.

I want to be sensitive to your plight, but you have to remember that you're posting on a message board where many of us (myself included) have spouses that travel regularly for work, or have been deployed for extended periods of time, or work odd hours etc. For those of us that routinely go weeks and even months without seeing our spouses, it's hard to read about how you don't want to be apart more than "75 hours", even though it's something important for his career, without being unsympathetic. Relationships are about sacrifice and in the world of sacrifices, going on a cruise isn't really a hardship I'd consider high on the list.

As I said in my earlier post, there are plenty of things to do on the cruise and he'll be able to keep to himself if he wants. If you don't want to join, by all means don't, as it is silly to pay for an experience you won't enjoy, but don't resent him for having a work obligation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As someone with a spouse who regularly travels for work and must keep a valid passport at all times---I really do not see this as a legit reason to complain at ALL. Especially given that you knew about it when he agreed to the job.

It is a bussiness trip. Only one per year. That passport, should you choose to get it, will last for the next 10 year's worth of this bussiness trip and that is the only expense your DH is forced to incur. It is perfectly reasonable to expect that everyone has their birth certifcate, certainly not the company's fault you do not.

At the end of the day this is a bonding type activity for the staff and your husband is expected to be a part of that.

Whether or not you choose to, or can, go is really immaterial--other than it being awfully nice of the company to give you the option.

 

[Aliceacc]

On the 25th, my best friend is flying in to Tampa from Arizona. DH will be going home that day, and I will be going to Tampa to pick up my friend and have a girls trip until that Friday the 28th...
DH and I don't really like the idea of cruises. We are not excited about going on one. (Of course, if it was a Disney cruise I would be more open to it!)
!!

Wait, so your objection isn't that you can't be apart for 5 days, it's that the company didn't choose well when they put together this remarkable package???

And a four day separation so you can be with your friend is just peachy, but a 5th day for his job is somehow an awful imposition?

My husband and I were apart for 11 days last spring. He was in the ICU and I was back and forth with our 3 kids, trying to get everyone to school, trying to keep up with my own classes, while waiting until the kids were in bed to look through the life insurance papers just in case.

Moral to the story: sometimes you have to be apart from your spouse. Sometimes work looks less like fun than we would like, though I'm not sure that a 5 day cruise really is the drudgery that it's being portrayed to be in the OP.

To answer your question, yes, you are being unreasonable. This is part of his job.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Yes, you are being quite unreasonable. If your husband if old enough to have a job, he is old enough to navigate a multi-day work event without you.

 

[marlynnp]

The Rule

I guess I am confused. A 4 day girls trip is ok but a 5 day business retreat (pretty standard) is taking people away from their families for too long?

5 days is not a big deal. If your husband ever has to take a business trip, they are often a full business week. Have him go and do his business thing. It would not be good business to be a new employee and make up an excuse to not participate in a yearly retreat.

I totally agree.

And if you were only apart for 4 days once and it was such a big deal, why are you doing it again just for fun? And then you want to complain about 5 days apart for work purposes??? Suck it up buttercup and tell your husband to go put on his big boy pants too.

And the only expense item on your list that is MANDATORY would be his birth certificate and frankly that is something you should have in the first place, so I wouldn't consider it an imposition for the company to expect you to have one.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Mandatory fun!

Seriously though... if I was in your situation, I would really want to go if it all possible. BUT, if it is not possible, it is just not possible. If he ends up having to go by himself, 5 nights apart will not kill you. As attached as I am to my boyfriend, I would not want to go that long without seeing him of course...BUT I would understand and just deal with it. He should be able to put on his big boy pants and deal with it too.

 

[kimj88]

As a big introvert I completely would hate everything about this, so in that respect I can see the side where it sucks. I don't really get the problem with you and him being apart that long, to me that's no big deal. The money thing and the issue with you maybe not being able to get off work I can see being a pain. I would say though that like it or not he needs to go. If he is dreading it, I would try to do all I can to go with him. Not saying I don't think the whole idea of a 'retreat' for work of this nature is ridiculous, but it is what it is.

 

[sam_gordon]

Sounds like I being a spoiled baby about this and need to buck up.

This is the only thing you've posted about this that I agree with.

Let's look at your complaints and why he shouldn't go...
1) You and DH don't like the idea of cruises. OK, this one is almost legitimate, but it was made known when he started the retreats are usually a cruise. If he had some big issue against cruising (major seasickness, etc), it should have been brought up at that time.
2) You can't get more vacation time. Since spouse attendance isn't required, this isn't a reason to not go.
3) You've never been apart for more than 4 days. Unless there is some medical reason preventing you from being apart for longer than four days (I don't know, you have to change an IV line or something?), also not a valid reason. MILLIONS of couples are separated for weeks or months at a time. It also sounds petty when you say you can have a girls trip for 3 days, but he can't be gone for six.
4) He doesn't have a passport and the cost and time is prohibitive to get one. As mentioned, a passport is not required, but if he doesn't have a passport, he will need a certified copy (if not the original) of his birth certificate. So you need at least that $40 charge.
5) He doesn't want to room with a coworker. Totally get this one. This is easy though, pay the supplement for a private room. Not a good reason to not travel.
6) Has to pay for extras (soda, alcohol, etc). None of those extras are required though.

So put on your "big girl panties", find something to binge watch, make plans with your girlfriends, and make the best of the time.

 

[mom2rtk]

And a four day separation so you can be with your friend is just peachy, but a 5th day for his job is somehow an awful imposition?

Sorry OP, there's just no way to make that argument seem reasonable.