With all these MIL threads, I'm afraid to do anything!

[Tuffcookie]

I know a lot of the complaints about MILs are justified but I'm a MIL now and this is my observation: If you are the mom and you have daughters, when they get married you are much more free to give advice and drop in, and be involved in daughter and SIL's lives than if you're the mother of sons. If you're the mother of a son or sons, and they get married are you expected to just fade into the woodwork? Is this fair? Is the old adage: "A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life", true????

TC

 

[Pam]

Ahhhh, Tuffcookie,
I know where you're coming from!! My Mom has agonized over this for years and I have both a DD and DS, (they are in their teens) and I worry about what kind of MIL I'll be!!

What kind of rapport do you have with your DIL and son??
Pam

 

[Chattyaholic]

I'm now a mother-in-law too, and my opinion is that if a MIL is fair, and doesn't play favorites, then she will be welcome in all of her children's homes, whether they are sons or daughters. My son is divorced and has a new girlfriend and they live right next door to us. The girlfriend complains about her own mother coming over/calling too much. She told my son that she can hardly believe we don't go over and bug them like her own mother does. And if a MIL doesn't give advice until she's asked for it, that will help a great deal too!! We lived next door to my in-laws for many years and never had any problems. They kept their noses out of our business, and that is the kind of MIL that I am trying to be as well.

 

[disykat]

I think it's just the way life is. I have sons too and am already prepping myself. My mom definately knows my kids better because I do many things the same way as she did - she can also find her way around my kitchen. MIL doesn't have that advantage.

My own parents don't drop in or give unsolicited advice either though. No parent should IMO. Yes, when their child gets married they should definately fade into the woodwork and wait. Invite THEM over but don't assume you'll be first priority. This kind of inlaw would most likely be invited back! IMO drop-ins should start after someone has said "feel free to drop by anytime" and not before.

The inlaw situations people describe here are bad (mine too!) but I think people can be a good MILs if they treat DILs with respect, and don't try to fit her into their own expectations. I hope to use that strategy.

 

[lisajl]

Chattyaholic,
I wish you were my mil. My mil hates me. Well...that's a strong word...I guess she just tolerates me.

We have never gotten a long.
We just try to deal with each other.
Lisajl

 

[luv2nascar]

On the other hand some MIL's come into this relationship with their DIL with a chip on their shoulder more so than most FILS
I think it is unfair to expect to be like someone's mother when they already have one
& coming from someone who's mother lives 6 1/2 hrs away you constantly have to watch out for stepping on toes
Mother doesn't want to feel left out & when that balances MIL feels distanced. Why can't we all just get along

 

[adamak]

I have the BEST MIL in the world. Seriously. I have absolutely no problem with her. She's cool, she is not controlling, and she's funny. She doesnt' care if I cook for my DH or not. She just happy that her son is happy with me. What's more to ask for?

I think as long as you're yourself, and you treat the DIL as a human being, and not as a babysitter for your son, that's good enough. I have gone out with lots of guys whose mother question me on everything. I mean, we are both adults, why should I take care of him as if he's a baby?

I am really lucky.

 

[adamak]

I have the BEST MIL in the world. Seriously. I have absolutely no problem with her. She's cool, she is not controlling, and she's funny. She doesnt' care if I cook for my DH or not. She just happy that her son is happy with me. What's more to ask for?

I think as long as you're yourself, and you treat the DIL as a human being, and not as a babysitter for your son, that's good enough. I have gone out with lots of guys whose mother question me on everything. I mean, we are both adults, why should I take care of him as if he's a baby?

I am really lucky.

 

[browneyes]

My mom and my sil are much more alike than we are. They go and do stuff together all the time. My mom never meddles with them. She never meddled with my brother and his ex wife (when she wasn't an ex. ). She pretty much stays out of my business with me and my SO, too. But of all of us, she butts in my business more than the others. She knows I'll give her the look that'll tell her she's acting like her mil and she'll leave me alone.

My SO's mom died almost 8 years ago. The only time she really meddled with us was with my dd. She about drove me nuts about my dd. She was totally enthralled with her. She couldn't hold her and play with her like her other grandkids when they were little (she had a stroke and couldn't use her left side very well). She was constantly calling me asking me if I did this or that right. My SO's dad is the meddler.

 

[CamColt]

First off let me say I have 2 sons, so I will be a MIL someday.
We(me & DH) are much closer to my parents than his. To be honest, I dont think its because Im the daughter and hes the son. It has to do with the kind of people they are. My parents are always there for us, to help us, to celebrate happy events with us, doing random nice things for us, etc... His mother upped and left for Florida, when she comes back she does nothing but nag us, and wants everything for her(help me with this, help me with that, I need this, oh, and by the way hi...Im not even exaggerating). This world revolves around her, ya know. She never would do anything thoughtful for us.
Again, this isnt a MIL in general rant, Im just pointing out why we are much closer to my parents.
I have said when I become a MIL the first thing I will do is tell DIL what I went through with my MIL and tell her if I ever act like that to tell me to stop right then. I hope I will have a good relationship with my DSs & DILs. Of course this is 20-30 years down the road, so I might be a crazy old lady/MIL by then, but at least I have good intentions.
Tuffcookie, dont be afraid to do anything, just continue to be a good mother and Im sure your DILs will appreciate that.

 

[Kteacher]

It took almost 20 years for me and my MIL to "come to terms". She doesn't drop over unannounced any more, doesn't make comments about my housekeeping anymore, or my child rearing practices. these were my biggest gripes with her. It took a while, but we now have a good relationship.

 

[Mamu]

First of all I have a lovely MIL who drives me absolutely nuts, but I think it comes with age.

I am a very family oriented person, especially with my grandchildren. Yes I'm a MIL x 4 and I'm sure I drive them nuts too. Then again I drive DH nuts. (Why does everything have to be a party)

No matter what the occasion is, it's time for a party. For Halloween we have a Decorating Party on one weekend. Another weekend we have Pumpkin Carving Parties. We have Wreath and Kissing Ball Parties. Tree Decorating Parties. Gingerbread House Parties. You name it, It's Party Time.

If there's a good movie coming, we all hit the theater together. It will be a Harry Porter Weekend. Lunch then the movies.

Someday my life will be just a memory. I hope a good one. I also hope my Grandchildren's Families are as close as their Parents are.

 

[shortbun]

I get along with my MIL but I'm quickly getting
"over" my FIL. He's starting to think he runs the
family and can say or do anything he wants to.
He's grumpy and expects to be waited on. He comes
to my house and sits around with gloom on his
mug. He also wants to give us money everytime
he comes but it's clear that this money comes with
attachments-he gets to be Dick-tator.(how do you spell
that word?)So-while husbands brother and his wife
take the money, we do not. He actually tells them how
to parent, when to buy cars, when to mow their grass
and how to spend the money he's just given them.
Not me thanks! I'd have to kill him if he started bossing
me around. They just left so I'm pretty mad at him
today. My biggest fear is that DH will somehow become
his Dad!

 

[pumba]

my mother in law never ever said one thing to me about anything negative.....she isn't a huggy lovey person ....but she is nice.....I try to do the same with my kids.....my daughter and her hubby and the two kids.....and my son and his wife and baby to be in 7 months....I treat the kids both the same....I mean my kids...I try not to say or do anything unless either of them ask for me .....I guess I am lucky.....my mom is 88 and a pain in my neck....and my mother in law is 86 and well....they all start to be a pain after a bit

 

[snoopy]

Well, I don't know. My mother got along very well with all her daughter in-laws, even those that became ex-daughter in laws. My ex SIL was devastated when my mother died, she still felt like they were connected even though she and my brother were divorced.

I wish I had a good relationship with my MIL, especially since my mother is gone. I envy my sister, who has the best in-laws, Ah well, you can't have everything.

The one thing I have learned from my MIL is to NOT be like her when my boys get married.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Sometimes it take time to heal MIL problems. My MIL didn't really even tolerate me much for the first 20 years of our marraige. Now she prefers my company to my DH's! Go figure! Of course, she is 89 years old now and mostly deaf. Maybe that helps!

 

[gina2000]

I am very conscious of the fact that I'll be a MIL someday....and of an only child.....

My MIL has had her moments. She fights with everyone. Not just DILs. I've been lucky, though....we've never had a fight. I just walk away.

I don't know how to resolve this conflict between MILs and DILs. I just hope I'm there when I'm needed, not a nag, burden or pain in the butt. And I hope I'm loved......

 

[TigH]

TC, just be yourself and don't worry about a thing! I enjoy my MIL. She does get on my nerves sometimes, but she is older than my parents and is from the "bend over backward for my husband because he is the king of the house and must never lift a finger as long as I am alive to take care of him" generation. Both my inlaws are generous and nice. Once in a while she will ask some questions that I think are pretty nosy (how much does my husband make, how many bonuses does he get a year, what did our house cost, etc.) I would never dream of asking them how much they live off from retirement, what their house costs, etc. But other than that, they are just nice people. A little quircky, but still nice.

My own mother fits into the "scary" MIL mold. She is always giving out unsolicited advice, will never say, "Gee your house looks great like it is." She's always over saying things like "Why don't you move this over here? Why did you decorate like that? Why would you pick this color? Not to mention the look of disgust on her face when she says these things... The cup isn't even close to being half empty with her, it's almost always bone dry. She is jealous of my brother, my sister and me (none of us have kids, we all have houses and we have comfortable lifestyles). Meanwhile, SHE had three children by the time she was 28, never had two pennies to rub together, etc. etc. Hello? Can you be happy that your children have successful lives?

She always told me to elope - so when I got engaged, that's what we planned to do. When she kept pressing us for a wedding date we confessed our plan. She stopped talking to me. I had to invite her and my father to the court house then! My husband's friends kind of knew when we planned to elope, so they thew us a surprise shower! I was so touched and completely blown away. When the shower was over, I called my mother to share the good news. I was a bit surprised she wasn't at the shower, but figured she felt like she might have been the oldest person there. Nope. Turns out she was invited but didn't go because "I didn't deserve it." In her mind it was wrong for me to accept gifts from these people (who by the way planned the surprise shower, didn't ask me if I wanted one...) They were obviously happy that my husband and I were getting married and they just wanted to show their love and appreciation for our friendship. And I didn't deserve it - because there was no "wedding". Ok, so you are supposed to have a wedding just to get gifts?

I could go on and on...

 

[jldriscoll]

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL, step mother too!!! They are both kind and loving women. Open lines of communication seem to help a lot. This summer there was this "thing" over a gift for my dd. When I finally got so frustrated and called my MIL to say I was hurt and frustrated she laughed and said, you're right, this shouldn't be a big deal. If I hadn't said something, I'd still be brudding over it. I know not all MIL will see you point of view but if you go into being one with the thought that you will.....your dil will love you!

 

[believe]

My MIL and I get along well. We take MIL and FIL on vacations with us, when they want to go. I have no problem with either one...not to say that the first 2 years of dating DH were not difficult, but I worked the relationship with MIL.
DH gets along well with my parents, although my Dad does test him at times.
We both have been very fortunate.