Will DS12 ever forgive me if I force him to move?

[dogluva]

To be perfectly clear I am not attacking anyone's method of parenting. This new way of raising kids does work if the parents are also preparing their child for the real world. I wouldn't want to be raised by any of you but my sincere hope is that 20 years from now your son or daughter will be participating in a thread like this giving you some credit for how well their lives turned out.

IMO life is a lot like a poker game. Everything you teach a child about how to handle themselves in good and bad situations, every skill they learn, and all the wisdom you can impart give them the best starting hand they can get. It doesn't mean they will win because the fairy tale of being able to do anything you set your mind to is seldom a reality but it gives them a higher percentage chance of winning. It also gives them more control over their lives (none of us have much control but the more the better).

I don't get it. You are giving out advice on how to raise (or teach) children and you don't even have any. I guess because you were a child, you know exactly what you would do, and in every situation, I am sure.

 

[hornedfrog]

Nice try. I come back because I love to debate especially when I know I am right. It is my competitive spirit not an insecurity.

Competitive? If you know you're right, then why would you care? Obviously you want someone else to validate this. I don't think you're going to find that here.

 

[hornedfrog]

To the OP...

I moved many times growing up. I started many new schools, including a new one for 6th, 7th and 9th grades (I think this covers your bases).

I am a much better person for it. I was a fairly shy child and always had a built-in set of friends until that first move. I had to move from extremely rural to very urban schools. I moved from small midwestern town (conservative) schools to urban (liberal) schools. Then to a private Baptist school. Then to a fairly liberal college prep school.

I can now find common ground with nearly anyone. I can hold myself at a friend's uber-rural family reunion OR the gala fundraiser at the metro opera.

I cried and cried with most of those moves (one or two I didn't cry quite as much!).

I am still in touch with at least a few people from each place/school I attended. I am well into my 30's, so this was not recent.

Do what you need to do. Do what you can to get your child enrolled in activities in the new place. Help. Listen. But do not apologize. Try to not feel guilty...a better place for that energy is being engaged in making the transition easier.

 

[rie'smom]

You are correct. Self-confident people stand out without ever saying a word. They can take control of a room or a meeting with very little effort. People are also less likely to argue with them or criticize them (at least face to face). They are seen as decisive and often as people who say more while speaking less.

On a messageboard on the internet things will always come across as different than intended because people are free to perceive the truth. It is also very common for someone to stick to their initial perception even after corrected. The author of the post is the final authority on what was meant or intended but very few people seem to abide by that rule.

I don't get it. You are giving out advice on how to raise (or teach) children and you don't even have any. I guess because you were a child, you know exactly what you would do, and in every situation, I am sure.

Competitive? If you know you're right, then why would you care? Obviously you want someone else to validate this. I don't think you're going to find that here.

What exactly does this and other posts from the past few pages have to do with the OP asking about her son's reaction to the family move? A moderator could close the thread because of off topic comments. The OP might miss out on some good information because of the squabbling.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

You've gotten a variety of opinions, here's mine. First, for adults who are still having issues with family moves during childhood, it might be time for a bit of therapy to help with letting go.

There is obviously a middle ground between basically letting children or teens make the decision, and just ordering them around. I'm big on the middle area.

Your son is only 12. It's probably not a good idea to approach this move with a lot of anxiety and guilt. He will feel it, and that's not healthy for either of you.

We had to move when our son had just completed his first semester of his junior year in high school. I kept him in the loop as the plans evolved, first, letting him know it was a possibility, and then when it was a sure thing being open with him about our plans as they evolved. I promised him that I would do everything I reasonably could to make this transition comfortable for him. In return, I asked him to work with me, trust me to find a school that wouldn't delay his high school graduation, and know that I was willing to go the extra mile if he was doing his best in school. He knew before we moved that I was budgeting for him to (if he wanted to) fly back to our old town that summer for 3 weeks. I made sure it was OK with the parents of his friends before we even moved. It helped him quite a bit to know that he'd see his friends in 6 months.
He did fly back that summer. He really appreciated it. I made the same offer for the next year.

If you can listen with empathy, but not baby too much I think it's best. Obviously, it's always better to start school in the fall.

Finally, I think sometimes kids are touched and a little surprised when you can reasonably go the (unexpected and special) extra mile for them. Respect in a family is a two way street.

You dealt with your son in an excellent way. In my school, I had two girls whose fathers moved for work during senior year, while the girls' mothers stayed behind with their daughters until they graduated. I thought that was an excellent way to cope as well. One of my best friends actually moved to my town right before Junior year and one moved in the middle of Junior year.