Will DS12 ever forgive me if I force him to move?

[Luv2Scrap]

When DH and I both finish school, in about a year and a half, we are quite sure we want to sell our house and leave the area. There is nothing for us here as far as jobs go. The city is going downhill fast, as is the county. We both work for the county in different departments, so we know just how bad it really is. When the economy was good, there were very few good paying jobs in our area, and now of course, it's worse than ever.

We also have a very harsh winter climate that we are ready to leave once and for all. We've both lived in northern MN almost all our lives, and the older we get, the longer the winters seem (and we're only 36!).

So, DH and I are both all for moving to somewhere with a better economy and a better climate. We've got several ideas in mind of places we'd like to look at, but we're waiting until next summer to start seriously looking.

The problem is, my 12 year old son really loves it here. He loves his friends and his school, and he always has, all the way through. He is quite insistent that he doesn't want to move anywhere, ever. DH and I, on the other hand, dislike the school district very much - ever since we got a new superintendent, it's going downhill fast! We're paying almost half a billion tax dollars (80,000 population and shrinking fast) for all new schools/improved schools throughout the district, and almost NOBODY in the city wants it to be happening the way it is. We never got a chance to vote on it. The same superintendent already tried to do this in another school district and it was a miserable failure!

My point is, I have NO problem getting my son out of the school district, but I will feel so terrible for taking him out of the school he loves and away from the friends he loves, and throwing him into a whole new environment. I think this is a tricky age as it is, without having to deal with things like a big move to a strange city, especially when I know he doesn't want to do it at all!

To make matters worse, I recently read an article about how too many moves can increase the risk of teen suicide. That didn't make me feel any better about doing it.

So if you've gotten this far, I really appreciate your time. I could really use some advice/thoughts/ideas about this - especially if you've been through a similar situation.

PS: just wanted to add, he is quite familiar with living in other areas. The first four years of his life were spent living in Louisiana, and he goes there for at least six weeks every summer to be with his dad. So it's not that he doesn't know anywhere else.... he just really loves it here.

 

[disneyfanforever]

I moved when I was going into 9th grade, and I thought it was the end of the world. I had never lived anywhere else and had the same friends since kindergarten. However, I survived and I still love my parents. Looking back many many years later, it was the best thing for my family (my dad got transferred) and I don't regret it. I made new friends and I am still friends with some of the friends I left behind.

 

[Darsa]

I moved a LOT as a kid, and my DH never once moved from K to 12. Our DD had to move a couple of towns away from where she was born/grew up last year, when she was 12 in fact She's doing fine now, and while she may not see some of the friends she had back then, she has others who she DOES see. And she's made lots of new friends at her new school, not to mention she met her "boyfriend" here

We'll be moving again to a warmer/drier climate, but we've already come to the agreement that we won't move anywhere until DD's graduated. I don't think that moving once has hurt her at all, but I remember how hard it was adjusting to a new school so often that I don't want her to have to deal with that.

I think your son will be fine if you move; I'm pretty sure he'll be mad and think he'll never forgive you, but I bet it won't last long.

 

[MaryKLady]

I'd explain to him that this will be a great opportunity to meet even more friends. With the internet he can keep in contact with his buddies back home. And how's he going to feel when neither of you can find a job and you can't afford to do anything....no new clothes, video games, internet, etc.

Not the same situation, but DD didn't like the idea of me getting a job when she started kindergarten. I explained my job would pay for lots of "extras" including her B-day at Disney. She thought it was ok then.

 

[SundancePass]

As a former "corporate gypsy" (means we moved every 18-mothns - 3 years), we always told our 2 kids we were going on another adventure. I did tell the company that by the time my son started 9th grade we had to be somewhere we could stay until they graduated from high school. The company moved us at the beginning of high school and both he and my daughter graduated from Mound, MN HS.

My 32 year old son will not move anywhere now BUT he has absolutely something to talk about with almost everyone he meets BECAUSE he has lived so many different places. He doesn't know a stranger and makes friends very easily.

Our 30 year old daughter is the adventurous (?) one but she also can talk to anyone about anything because she has lived all over.

Do it for you and your DH. There is nothing that I am aware of in Northern MN to stay for. There isn't much in the Twin cities either!

Good luck to upi and your family.

 

[Colleen27]

Honestly, I wouldn't move a kid that age unless the alternative was unemployment/poverty. If he's 12 now, he'll just be starting high school when you're ready to go, right? IMO, that is a really bad age to uproot a kid if it isn't absolutely necessary. High school is so cliqueish to begin with, and being the new kid sucks. Plus it is pretty normal for a kid's grades to suffer a bit right after a big move, which for a high schooler can make a difference in college admissions. Would it really be terrible for you & your DH to put up with the weather and the community for 3-4 years longer than you'd like for the sake of not moving your son during those difficult teen years?

You're the adult and your son won't stop loving you if you do decide to move, but you'd be wise to keep in mind that it could make the already challenging teen/high school years even more difficult for both him and for you as a parent.

 

[mickeyboat]

I moved a lot growing up. I met my DH on one of our moves, so I have to say I am glad we moved.

However, I won't say it wasn't hard. I won't say I didn't hate my parents for uprooting us so much. I won't say it wasn't hard to adjust academically.

I missed out on having those lifelong connections with friends. I missed out on having lifelong connections with adults. On my college applications I was hard-pressed to find someone who had known me long enough to write personal recommendations. I think I was slightly short-changed on my education because there was no cohesive curriculum, and I was never started out in challenging enough classes at new schools, which put me behind when they moved me to the advanced classes later on.

Fortunately I made friends easily and adjusted well to our moves. I got to meet a lot of people and see and experience a lot of things I would not have if we had stayed in one place.

My brother OTOH had a terrible time with our moves. He did not make friends easily. He did not get along well with adults. He gave my parents a terrible time - ended up being kicked out of the house as a teen and quit early in high school. He had never gotten along with my father, even as an adult. He is an alcoholic and has had lots of trouble holding a job. He is in his late 30's and seems to be doing a lot better now, but it has taken a long time. I "blame" some of his troubles on moving so much while he was growing up.

Needless to say, we do not plan to move our girls. DH lived in the same house almost his entire life, and I want our girls to have those kinds of roots. Of course, we are happy with where we live.

I don't think one move will scar your son for life. But please think about his personality and how moving will affect him, more than just the fact that he will be angry with you.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[MushyMushy]

Honestly, I wouldn't move a kid that age unless the alternative was unemployment/poverty. If he's 12 now, he'll just be starting high school when you're ready to go, right? IMO, that is a really bad age to uproot a kid if it isn't absolutely necessary. High school is so cliqueish to begin with, and being the new kid sucks. Plus it is pretty normal for a kid's grades to suffer a bit right after a big move, which for a high schooler can make a difference in college admissions. Would it really be terrible for you & your DH to put up with the weather and the community for 3-4 years longer than you'd like for the sake of not moving your son during those difficult teen years?

You're the adult and your son won't stop loving you if you do decide to move, but you'd be wise to keep in mind that it could make the already challenging teen/high school years even more difficult for both him and for you as a parent.

This is my opinion too. DH and I would absolutely love to move, but my youngest is going into 8th grade right now and it was hard enough for her to make friends in middle school to begin with.

I know plenty of kids are fine with moving! But I do think at this age you've got to really weigh the pros and cons (which it sounds like you're doing).

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I moved a lot growing up. I met my DH on one of our moves, so I have to say I am glad we moved.

However, I won't say it wasn't hard. I won't say I didn't hate my parents for uprooting us so much. I won't say it wasn't hard to adjust academically.

I missed out on having those lifelong connections with friends. I missed out on having lifelong connections with adults. On my college applications I was hard-pressed to find someone who had known me long enough to write personal recommendations. I think I was slightly short-changed on my education because there was no cohesive curriculum, and I was never started out in challenging enough classes at new schools, which put me behind when they moved me to the advanced classes later on.

Fortunately I made friends easily and adjusted well to our moves. I got to meet a lot of people and see and experience a lot of things I would not have if we had stayed in one place.

My brother OTOH had a terrible time with our moves. He did not make friends easily. He did not get along well with adults. He gave my parents a terrible time - ended up being kicked out of the house as a teen and quit early in high school. He had never gotten along with my father, even as an adult. He is an alcoholic and has had lots of trouble holding a job. He is in his late 30's and seems to be doing a lot better now, but it has taken a long time. I "blame" some of his troubles on moving so much while he was growing up.

Needless to say, we do not plan to move our girls. DH lived in the same house almost his entire life, and I want our girls to have those kinds of roots. Of course, we are happy with where we live.

I don't think one move will scar your son for life. But please think about his personality and how moving will affect him, more than just the fact that he will be angry with you.
Good luck.

Denae

Oh, believe me, that's exactly what this is ALL about! Maybe I didn't really word it right, yes, I want to know if he'll get over being mad at me if we do it, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I am very worried about how it will affect him, both short term and long term!

 

[DMickey28]

I moved going into my freshman year in High School. It worked out fine. I didn't graduate with the close friends that I would have if we hadn't moved but I enjoyed HS well enough. I do get jealous sometimes about my DH who is still friends with a group he grew up with but who knows if I'd still be in touch with them anyway.

Now it's so much easier to move away anyway ... with Facebook I have actually reconnected much more with friends from Elementary school and Junior High School than High School.

I think he will be fine, especially if this is better for the family as a whole.

 

[hentob]

We are moving next school year due to a job relocation. DS will be 12 (going to 7th grade) when we move. We also have twins that will be 11 at the time of the move.

None of us want to move (PA to NC), but our motto is "If we don't like it, we can move back". I think we will regret not taking a chance if we don't go for it.

A good friend moved to my school when she was 12. She was our homecoming queen a few years later Not all moves at that age create an outsider.

I think you should visit the area that you are moving to with your son. Maybe stay a week and enroll him in a camp so he can meet "the locals". Walk around prospective neighborhoods, visit parks, etc. Be positive.

By the time we move, we will have known for a full two years. We have had so much time to think about it. Some days it is exciting Other days, it feels like a band-aid is being pulled off sloooowly And there are nights that my throat closes when I think about it Both Dh and I grew up here. So did our parents and their parents. We live in a small town and have many, many, many friends.

Life is full of changes I am attempting to teach my children to embrace each and every change This one is going to be a big one

Good luck, Luv2Scrap

 

[NotUrsula]

You are his parents and he is a child. You make the household decisions at this level, and it does no good to feel guilty over making what you feel is a sound decision. The greater good of the family trumps his feelings in this case, hard as that may be.

If he still feels the same in 5 years he can go "home" to Minnesota to attend college, but as of now he has no other experience to compare it to.

 

[Angelhalo]

I moved when I was going into 9th grade, and I thought it was the end of the world. I had never lived anywhere else and had the same friends since kindergarten. However, I survived and I still love my parents. Looking back many many years later, it was the best thing for my family (my dad got transferred) and I don't regret it. I made new friends and I am still friends with some of the friends I left behind.

Ditto except for the transfer. We moved when I finished the 8th grade and I was MISERABLE. I thought it was the end of the world. I cried and cried all the time, wrote sad poetry etc. I never really made any great friends in High School because they had all been friends since birth. No one had time for a new girl.

BUT, that being said, I only hated my parents for a little while. It wore off. We became tighter than ever because all we had was each other for a while. I know now looking back that they did the right thing for us and for the whole family. It was hard to deal with but I applaud them for doing what they had to do. I know it broke my mom's heart to see me so sad all the time, but as an adult she just had to deal with it, knowing that she was doing the right thing.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Well, my oldest is about to endure his 6th move in December. He is starting middle school this year and will move half way through. Gosh, I hope he doesn't hate us.

Actually, I think it makes them more independent and resilient.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I grew up in MN and in the middle of 8th grade we moved to WI. I hated it. High School was miserable and I got back to MN as soon as I graduated to go to college. I never lived with my parents again. Not even in the summers. I hated that town that much. Even when I go back to visit my mom, I thank my lucky stars it is only temporary.

It really is a horrible time to move. If you have to, you have to. But honestly I resented my parents for our move even though it was job related and not really optional. If they just decided to move because of something minor (IMO) like cold winters (hey I grew up there too. I get it!) I'd resent them even more.

I do think that move impacted me in a major way. I crave stability and a place to call home now as an adult. We've lived in 5 states since we've been married and learned to deal with the changes, but once the kids got in school I put my foot down. I will NOT do that to my kids unless it would mean losing our house.

 

[mtdevine615]

An Army brat here so I think I know a little about moving. I moved 9 times before I was out of the house and my sister moved 11 times. I went to 7 different schools and two different high schools. My sister even had to move to a different high school for her senior year. It was tough on both of us but it did have advantages we both met our spouses on one of the moves. It's funny after all of that moving around when we were kids neither one of us have moved out of the towns that we settled in.

 

[rowbear]

I grew up in MN and in the middle of 8th grade we moved to WI. I hated it. High School was miserable and I got back to MN as soon as I graduated to go to college. I never lived with my parents again. Not even in the summers. I hated that town that much. Even when I go back to visit my mom, I thank my lucky stars it is only temporary.

It really is a horrible time to move. If you have to, you have to. But honestly I resented my parents for our move even though it was job related and not really optional. If they just decided to move because of something minor (IMO) like cold winters (hey I grew up there too. I get it!) I'd resent them even more.

I do think that move impacted me in a major way. I crave stability and a place to call home now as an adult. We've lived in 5 states since we've been married and learned to deal with the changes, but once the kids got in school I put my foot down. I will NOT do that to my kids unless it would mean losing our house.

My parents would have beat the snot out of me if I behaved that way.

 

[hentob]

I grew up in MN and in the middle of 8th grade we moved to WI. I hated it. High School was miserable and I got back to MN as soon as I graduated to go to college. I never lived with my parents again. Not even in the summers. I hated that town that much. Even when I go back to visit my mom, I thank my lucky stars it is only temporary.

It really is a horrible time to move. If you have to, you have to. But honestly I resented my parents for our move even though it was job related and not really optional. If they just decided to move because of something minor (IMO) like cold winters (hey I grew up there too. I get it!) I'd resent them even more.

I do think that move impacted me in a major way. I crave stability and a place to call home now as an adult. We've lived in 5 states since we've been married and learned to deal with the changes, but once the kids got in school I put my foot down. I will NOT do that to my kids unless it would mean losing our house.

I am sure you were traumatized and it breaks my heart to read your post. But I was thinking, at what point do children/teens make it harder on themselves? When does a child create a miserable situation? I am genuinely curious—Did you try to make friends?

Did your parents get you involved in sports? Activities?

My children are very active in Scouts. I am thinking that a new troop will be a great place for them to make friends when we move. Also, we are big Community Pool people. My children love to swim. They also enjoy tennis, so we are looking for subdivisions that have courts. I don’t know how they can’t make friends. They are outgoing and happy children. Am I living in a dream world thinking they will adjust and life will move on?

I figure they will have to make new friends when they go to college, so this will be a great start.

I am trying to stay positive about the move. I am actually shocked (and scared) by all of the negative moving stories on this thread

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sure you were traumatized and it breaks my heart to read your post. But I was thinking, at what point do children/teens make it harder on themselves? When does a child create a miserable situation? I am genuinely curious—Did you try to make friends?

Did your parents get you involved in sports? Activities?

My children are very active in Scouts. I am thinking that a new troop will be a great place for them to make friends when we move. Also, we are big Community Pool people. My children love to swim. They also enjoy tennis, so we are looking for subdivisions that have courts. I don’t know how they can’t make friends. They are outgoing and happy children. Am I living in a dream world thinking they will adjust and life will move on?

I figure they will have to make new friends when they go to college, so this will be a great start.

I am trying to stay positive about the move. I am actually shocked (and scared) by all of the negative moving stories on this thread

I think it really depends on the ages of your kids and their personalities. My girls are 8 & 9, and I think they would fare well now in a move. If I wait another 3-4 years, I think it would be a lot tougher.

Young teens and high schoolers are working on breaking away from their families, and their friends and peers are their support system and their confidantes. They are the most important people each others' lives. Looking back maybe your high school best friend doesn't seem that important to you now, but how did you feel back then?

As far as activities go, I found that it was tough when I moved to get involved - especially in sports. I moved from a very small high school to a very large one in 10th grade, and the kids in the large school were much better at sports than I was. I was cut from the basketball and softball teams - which ended an avenue for me where I could have made friends.

But if your children are very involved, and have great personalities, they should be fine.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I moved my oldest when she was in 3rd grade, 8th grade, and 12th grade.

My youngest had to move in 2nd grade and 6th grade.

All the moves have been tough and this last time was harder since we had to go back to MO from TX.

Younger dd is having a harder time than older dd although older dd has a BF in TX which really ticks her off.

All in all, we had to move so DH could keep his job.

My oldest is off to college in the fall and my youngest needs to get out there and make some friends. She is slow about it and has some issues we are addressing.

HENTOB if you kids are outgoing they will adjust. My youngest is not so outgoing so it is harder for her. Plus she is in middle school and does not care for boys, dating, makeup and clothes.
Doesn't give her alot in common with a majority of the kids in school here.

She fit better in TX because it was very diverse and multicultural for her.