Widows...What were your early needs?

[Hisgirl]

So based on my earlier post, I guess it's obvious that we lost a dear friend. It was due to suicide. He had suffered from a drastic personality change and short of a private autopsy, we will never know what exactly caused this.

For those of you who lost a spouse, especially in middle life, after kids are grown and gone, could you share how I can best help her? And also what advice would you give to her. I could type of a note she can read a bit later. She's a private person and will not be going to a support group.

I want to support her the best I can as her caring friend. She is here with me, up in our guest bed. My dogs have greeted her with morning kisses.

Then what? What steps happen next to put her on the best healthiest path, especially after the way he passed? This is unfamiliar territory.

For those who share, I want to stop here, first, and express my very deepest condolences for your own pain and loss, and then thank you, so very much, for being willing to revisit that time in your life, to stop, look around, and pick up those little tips that helped you. Bless you.

 

[kymom99]

A good friend of mine lost his wife to a heart attack. She was 51 and they had just retired from teaching. He reads a lot and shares morning devotional a on Facebook. He is the opposite of your friend though. He has found great strength in support groups. Maybe your friend would join an online group?

 

[abdmom]

I lost my dh when we were both 42. I had little kids, so not quite the same. Because of the kids, I couldn't go to in person support groups. Online support groups helped me a lot. I also saw several therapists. It took a long time - complicated by having to take care of others in those early years.

One thing that I did which helped was to make a bucket list. DH and I had planned to travel "when the kids were older". Now that I had lost him, I made plans to travel - with and without the kids. The kids are mostly grown and I probably have done half the things on the bucket list. It really helped to realize that I was in total control of my own life now.

The thing I tell others who have recently lost a spouse or a child - It gets better, but it will never be "all better". Give her lots of time to grieve - it takes years. In my case, it took about 15 years. Even afterwards, there will be times when she or her children suddenly remember that he is gone. It can be the little things - for me it was one garbage day. My thought process went like this. "It's Tuesday so it's garbage day. I must remind dh to...DH is dead." Cue 20 minutes of sobbing. 20 minutes later, I pull myself together. "What was I going to do? Oh yes, it's Tuesday, so it's garbage day...DH is dead...." Then there are the big moments - weddings, graduations etc. There will always be new triggers.

 

[Imzadi]

She's a private person and will not be going to a support group.

I want to support her the best I can as her caring friend.

First, sorry for you loss.

Second, even though she may not go to a support group, YOU loss someone close to you and you may want to consider going to a survivors of suicide group for yourself. The experiences you hear there, what gets shared may be of comfort and knowledge for you, and then you can also help your friend more.

Also, tell your friend she can attend a group and NOT have to talk. Just listening to others may help. Or she may try private counseling.

Suicide is such layered type of death. And likewise the grief, the sense of helplessness, the hopelessness, the going over it in one's head, and the guilt - even if there really was nothing you could have done, is haunting.

Remember feelings are outside of time and logic. They may not follow any real progression and no amount of logic and saying one couldn't know any signs would lead to this outcome, really may not help. One will likely spiral around and around, seem to get better, then feel punched in the gut again and do more spiraling. And it may feel like an onion being unpeeled, with a new layer of grief all over again. Knowing to expect it sometimes helps.

Sometimes setting the goal to just make it though t.o.d.a.y. may be a lot.

Just be gentle with yourselves.

 

[HopperFan]

Question: Did this happen in their home? If so I would listen closely to things she says that may reference her ability to deal with living there. Some people hold on to the old memories but some can't wipe away the final "scene". If it was there and that is an issue, she may need help on making changes if she is staying or moving if that is an issue. Sometimes family (it sounds like she might have adult kids) want to hold on to something that for her may be painful. She might need that outside support as kids are having their own pain.

Thought: My stepdad's son killed himself on his Dad's porch. My stepdad and his other son found him. For 20 years he couldn't talk about it, wouldn't talk about it and if he did he called it "his dirty deed." After my Mom died last year he began coming here weekly for dinner. Over time he has opened up about it, told us all the details, yeah, uncomfortable but we let him talk. He was finally able to open up and let go. He even now calls it suicide. It may be since you are a friend, not family, she will be able to talk to you about it, be emotional and mad about it. Just be there to listen, she'll just need to be heard.

 

[DLgal]

I don't have much to add, as I have never been in this situation, but you sound like a really good friend and I wanted you to hear that. It might seem simple, but ask your friend what she needs and how you can best help her. Seems like you've already done that by opening up your home, so continue to ask her daily how you can help.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

My condolences.

As others have suggested you might benefit from joining a support group.

While it was not suicide, a friend from college had their sibling recently pass away. They’ve done a plethora of different things but they also found comfort in eating their siblings fave food and buying things that the sibling liked, even if it was a stuffed animal. They also had recently attended concerts with their sibling, and have been playing a lot of those groups and singers music.
While she might not want to eat from her husbands fave restaurant, or listen to his favorite band, treating her to her fave food and listening to music she likes or even watching shows she does like will definitely help.

As someone else said, suicide is very difficult to navigate. In one school year when I was in high school, I knew two people who passed due to suicide. Open up to your friends and family as well.
Also if I were in your friends position, basic needs like cleaning their house and doing laundry would be insanely welcome

 

[Hisgirl]

These are all great suggestions. One person, when they asked what they could do, I asked for a case of waters so it would be easy for her to grab a bottle and stay hydrated. She also brought dinner. Which is good because I hadn't even thought of that but had been doing busy work calling financials. Thanks yall.

 

[ronandannette]

These are all great suggestions. One person, when they asked what they could do, I asked for a case of waters so it would be easy for her to grab a bottle and stay hydrated. She also brought dinner. Which is good because I hadn't even thought of that but had been doing busy work calling financials. Thanks yall.

Although I am not a widow, I have had the grim yet sacred privilege of coming alongside many people who have suffered the loss of spouses and children over the past few years. The best thing I can tell you at this stage is to breath and take a tiny step back from "doing" anything, other than what's absolutely necessary. It's waaaaay too soon to know what your friend does or doesn't need or will or won't do. She is stunned and in shock and everything she does right now is pure visceral reaction, including the desperate need for answers about why.

She is very blessed to have you and the next little while will be taken up with working out service details and communicating with friends and family. The autopsy notwithstanding (not sure what involvement you can/will have here), just focus your help on those two things and on any physical needs she has in the immediate moment. This period right after a loss, and all the details that need attention is mourning; the hard work of grief comes after and takes a much longer time.

For yourself, the greatest help you will be is simply by hanging in there with her; abiding long-term with whatever stage she happens to be in. It's harder than it sounds. There will be so many loving and well-meaning people that will wane in their attentions after a month or so and really, the drastic changes in her life are just starting to settle in at that point. As many have commented already, she is now on a life-long journey and the loss made all that much more complicated by the horror of the circumstances. What she needs or wants at any given point is something you'll feel your way through - don't let awkwardness or the fear of putting a foot wrong hold you back from making loving and sincere responses. You are in this place and time as part of His plan and I will be thinking of you and praying grace and peace for you all.
MercyMe - The Hurt & The Healer (with lyrics) - Bing video

 

[HeatherC]

Maybe at this time, just do what you are doing. Just be there and follow her lead. Since it just happened, I am sure she is probably not ready for advice…more just comfort at this point.

I am very sorry for your loss!

 

[NAB]

When I lost my first husband I really didn’t want anything. Just to make it through the funeral and all the paper work after.

I had lots of questions about how he died too and will never really know.

I wanted to be with people at times and other times I just wanted to be by myself because it was too much. Follow her lead. I went to my sisters every night after supper for almost a year so I was alone at night. Eventually that stopped but we just watched Wheel Fortune and Jeopardy.

My mom also bought me new bedding and curtains to change out my bedroom to make it mine but everything else stayed the same in the apartment.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[Karin1984]

You wrote in your other post this happened today. Don't do anything for the first week(s) besides making sure she eats and sleeps. Everything else, especially advice, can come later.
She probably cannot hear you now.

 

[NJMermaid]

I am a widow, my husband died, 60yo about 2.5 yrs ago. Best tips, feed your friend, stay close by, encourage her to have paper and pen nearby at all times because she is going to keep thinking of things she needs to do and the memory is not there. Lots of Adulting things to do, necessary paperwork. She needs to cry;, to process, takes time. Keep her fed and hydrated, basic needs, showereing too.
Wow, thats enough to start with.

 

[antmaril]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your friend is blessed to have you helping her. It is a most difficult time.

I lost my husband to cancer 13 years ago. He was 55 and our son was 21.

I think a suicide would take grief to a different level. So many things going through her mind with no resolution.

At this point, all she can do is take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. As a previous poster said it will get “better”, but it will never be ”all better”. Her life is forever changed. Sadly.

I found a grief support group to be helpful. She really doesn’t have to say anything. Just listening to others who understand her pain could be very helpful.

All the best to you and your friend.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

I lost my husband to ALS exactly a year ago. I am far from "over it" and I struggle everyday. What works great for me is people checking in on me. Inviting me to dinners. Using his name is KEY for me. What I did not do was support groups. I was not nor am interested in going and if she says the same, don't push it. I need to grieve in my own style and never have been one to join groups anyway. We had twins and everyone pushed for that when they were first born. I never joined. (probably because I didn't have the time, LOL) I think it would be harder for me to listen to everyone's stories through their tears. It would only promote more sadness in me. I know me.

 

[NAB]

I lost my husband to ALS exactly a year ago. I am far from "over it" and I struggle everyday. What works great for me is people checking in on me. Inviting me to dinners. Using his name is KEY for me. What I did not do was support groups. I was not nor am interested in going and if she says the same, don't push it. I need to grieve in my own style and never have been one to join groups anyway. We had twins and everyone pushed for that when they were first born. I never joined. (probably because I didn't have the time, LOL) I think it would be harder for me to listen to everyone's stories through their tears. It would only promote more sadness in me. I know me.

Yes! say his name people tend to try to avoid it not to upset me but I wanted to remember him and have others to as will.

 

[Snowysmom]

I lost my DH at the end of Sept 2021. I find that having close friends call me, text me, and just ask how I am doing or let's talk helps especially when it is a bad day. Also, ask her what you can do for her such as meals, go and talk, or anything else she may need. I am seeing a therapist which has been helpful. I am not a group therapy person so I like the one on one relationship with the therapist. My DH passed suddenly at home and I found him the next morning when he did not wake up to the alarm clock. I cannot stay at the house, stay at my older DS's house, and have been getting the house ready to sell. I am looking for a condo. I have one friend who enjoys looking at real estate so she is helping me by coming along to check out condos with me. It find that to be so helpful.

There is a book my therapist recommended that I really like. It is It's OK that you're not OK by Megan Devine. She suddenly became a widow and is a therapist. She was appalled at how society did not really understand the kind of grief when you lose a spouse or other very close family member. The book helped me alot. I also write in a journal when I am really feeling emotional. It helps to write and the words just flow. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. And the grieving will be life long but I am told that it does get softer and more integrated into your life. I am not at that point yet. It is one minute, one day at a time.

 

[Mousemom234]

... It might seem simple, but ask your friend what she needs and how you can best help her. Seems like you've already done that by opening up your home, so continue to ask her daily how you can help.

I'm just starting to open up about dealing with my loss (2 yrs in April) and I've looked into a support group. Not sure if meetings are for me, but their website has some good information and advice.
One of the things that was mentioned was not to ask what you can do - rather, find things that need to be done, and tell her that you'll "be around to do such-and-so, you okay with that?" This way, she knows you're willing to help, without her having to think about what you could do, or just refusing offers of help, because she doesn't want to be any trouble.

I'll agree with others. Make sure she's taking care of herself - eating, drinking, sleeping.
I didn't really do any of that the first month or two, and again later on after I went through a whirlwind of life changes. She's lucky to have a friend like you, who cares enough to help. Just being there with her - and for her is a good start

 

[smokeyblue]

I am a widow, my husband died, 60yo about 2.5 yrs ago. Best tips, feed your friend, stay close by, encourage her to have paper and pen nearby at all times because she is going to keep thinking of things she needs to do and the memory is not there. Lots of Adulting things to do, necessary paperwork. She needs to cry;, to process, takes time. Keep her fed and hydrated, basic needs, showereing too.
Wow, thats enough to start with.

I think this is the best advice here. Lost my dad 2 years ago and the first 3 months were hell on my mom dealing with all the practical things like banking and paying bills. It would be so thoughtful of you to get a little notebook and pen for her handbag and bedside like PP mentioned. Also just doing and not asking like just hand her a bottle of water, a cup of tea or a plate of cookies or cheese and crackers.

The biggest long term price of advice, never "should" all over a widow. No you should do this or that. Ask, them if they want to or if they've thought of doing a, b or c, don't tell them what to do. People did and still do this to my mom and it makes her so angry.

 

[Snowysmom]

One other thing. I have trouble sleeping. I did before but DH passed but that just made it worse. My good friend gave me Celestrial Seasonings Extra sleepytime tea. I have a cup 30-60 minutes before going to bed. It helps me get to sleep quicker. I wake up during the night but I get back to sleep easier. I don't like taking meds so I was glad this helped.