Widows...What were your early needs?

[mjkacmom]

I think this is the best advice here. Lost my dad 2 years ago and the first 3 months were hell on my mom dealing with all the practical things like banking and paying bills. It would be so thoughtful of you to get a little notebook and pen for her handbag and bedside like PP mentioned. Also just doing and not asking like just hand her a bottle of water, a cup of tea or a plate of cookies or cheese and crackers.

The biggest long term price of advice, never "should" all over a widow. No you should do this or that. Ask, them if they want to or if they've thought of doing a, b or c, don't tell them what to do. People did and still do this to my mom and it makes her so angry.

My mom passed after a very brief battle with unexpected cancer. That goodness for my husband with all of the necessary paperwork, banking, insurance (life and health), getting death certificates out - my mind was mush and it seemed never ending. Even having to plan services, although the funeral home was great. I couldn’t have done it alone.

 

[ronandannette]

So based on my earlier post, I guess it's obvious that we lost a dear friend. It was due to suicide. He had suffered from a drastic personality change and short of a private autopsy, we will never know what exactly caused this.

For those of you who lost a spouse, especially in middle life, after kids are grown and gone, could you share how I can best help her? And also what advice would you give to her. I could type of a note she can read a bit later. She's a private person and will not be going to a support group.

I want to support her the best I can as her caring friend. She is here with me, up in our guest bed. My dogs have greeted her with morning kisses.

Then what? What steps happen next to put her on the best healthiest path, especially after the way he passed? This is unfamiliar territory.

For those who share, I want to stop here, first, and express my very deepest condolences for your own pain and loss, and then thank you, so very much, for being willing to revisit that time in your life, to stop, look around, and pick up those little tips that helped you. Bless you.

Your other thread reminded me of this one. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had you on my heart. How are you and your friend making out?

 

[Hisgirl]

Your other thread reminded me of this one. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had you on my heart. How are you and your friend making out?

Thank you for asking, truly.

His wife lives so close to me, we see her a good bit, even if it's just to come over and share supper and work on a puzzle. She's pretty overwhelmed by all the busy work, the paper work. I still am shocked and am finally not going over all the details in the middle of the night.

There were times I would want us all to push him, try to force some help upon him, but it always seemed so intrusive and controlling. Now, after seeing how it all ended, we are only left with the what-ifs.

He was always laughinig, always encouraging, always smiling, always had a kind word, fully self-less. Such a hard loss for our world.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you for asking, truly.

His wife lives so close to me, we see her a good bit, even if it's just to come over and share supper and work on a puzzle. She's pretty overwhelmed by all the busy work, the paper work. I still am shocked and am finally not going over all the details in the middle of the night.
There were times I would want us all to push him, try to force some help upon him, but it always seemed so intrusive and controlling. Now, after seeing how it all ended, we are only left with the what-ifs.
He was always laughinig, always encouraging, always smiling, always had a kind word, fully self-less. Such a hard loss for our world.

You are a good friend and this is just what's needed, now and into the future. About a month in is when the larger crowd starts falling away and if you can be one who doesn't, you will be blessing her indeed. Please don't ignore your own grief either - we've lost several dear friends and while it's not the same as a close family member, it's still a very significant sorrow. Hopefully there's someone alongside you to comfort you and listen to all the things you need to say but can't say to your friend. Grace and peace.

 

[Snowysmom]

@ hisgirl You are indeed a good friend. I have one friend who is there for me anytime and we talk alot. She does not live near me but we stay in touch. She is coming on a short vacation with me in the Spring to a place where DH and I used to go. I have another friend who is helping me look at condos when the time comes. She also keeps in touch to see how things are going. I am blessed to have such friends and your friend is blessed too that you are there for her. The amount of paperwork and admin stuff is daunting. It is a one day at a time kind of thing. If you accomplish one thing each day it is a win. I am about 4 1/2 months into this journey and still dealing with admin stuff. But, I am selling my house and looking for a condo which adds alot of work to the mix. You are such a kind, caring person to be there for her.

 

[Hisgirl]

You are a good friend and this is just what's needed, now and into the future. About a month in is when the larger crowd starts falling away and if you can be one who doesn't, you will be blessing her indeed. Please don't ignore your own grief either - we've lost several dear friends and while it's not the same as a close family member, it's still a very significant sorrow. Hopefully there's someone alongside you to comfort you and listen to all the things you need to say but can't say to your friend. Grace and peace.

You have no idea how much your words mean to me. It made me cry. No, I don't have friends around me...they all moved out of state or died. My parents are 91 with dementia and my life revolves around their world. I'm so lonely and overwhelmed and we are downsizing, moving, building a house, my husband is retiring and my parents' daily things...the violent death of a loved brother friend was a horrid cherry on top. My husband and I washed his blood off the door frames so she could go and pack. I can't stop thinking of that and it chills me to the bone every time I do.

Tis a hard season of life right now.

 

[Snowysmom]

@Hisgirl I am so sorry things are tough for you right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Hisgirl]

Thank you, I do very much appreciate that. I know this is a season and it will pass. My children will have grandbabies, we'll moved to a new wonderful neighborhood, life will be happy and wonderful and we'll even come back to disney. One day!

 

[fla4fun]

You have no idea how much your words mean to me. It made me cry. No, I don't have friends around me...they all moved out of state or died. My parents are 91 with dementia and my life revolves around their world. I'm so lonely and overwhelmed and we are downsizing, moving, building a house, my husband is retiring and my parents' daily things...the violent death of a loved brother friend was a horrid cherry on top. My husband and I washed his blood off the door frames so she could go and pack. I can't stop thinking of that and it chills me to the bone every time I do.

Tis a hard season of life right now.

 

[LuvOrlando]

So sorry for your loss, it was very good of you and your DH to help with the house, what an extraordinary kindness.

For my cousin's widow it seems what she needs from me is to be a sort of surrogate for my cousin, giving her warm support as she rebuilt her life. They lived a frugal life but he left her well off so now she has guilt over spending what he wanted her to have so I mostly remind her it's ok. Seems some people around her are very jealous so they take digs over her changed status and I just tip the scales the other way for her otherwise she'd be frozen.

For my MIL we've/I've been sending a few bouquets small of flowers and a baked item to her via Instacart every 2 weeks since FIL passed away. For months it went unacknowledged but we did it anyway to add positive energy to a tough situation but then around Christmas she voiced how much she looks forward to the flowers so we continue doing it. If we were closer it would be beautiful but less expensive Aldi or Trader Joes flowers delivered by hand, but, from a distance, this works.