Why would someone say this?

[GJM]

Why would someone say if you don't want me here tell me to leave and I will. But they won't just leave on there own, when they clearly don't want to be there.

I have said there is the door if you don't want to be here, go - but they still won't unless I say "I want you to leave".

I feel like I am being tricked or something - Any thoughts

 

[Skywalker]

I don't think I quite understand the situation, but if someone was that annoying I think I would simply say, "I want you to leave" and get the bleepin' thing over with.

 

[Saffron]

Because ... they know you won't say "Get out", so in essence they are tricking you into letting them stay?

Because ... if you have to say the words, they obsolve themselves from any responsibility in desolving the relationship?

Because ... the don't believe you really will say the words, they think you are playing with them?

Because ... the place is in your name, not theirs, so you HAVE to say get out in order for them to actually HAVE to go?

 

[megan4777]

Would there be a male involved in this? Or a pregnant lady?
While I was pregnant, my Dh would say to me, "tell me when you want me to go and I will...." CLEARLY wanting to leave but KNOWING full well if he left on his own his body would never be found...

Seriously, if it's someone who thinks that they need to stay for some reason, they may not go until they're told to leave. They may not want to be there, you may not want them there...

 

[GJM]

This situation is between DH & myself - things just have not been good, especially when there is a 3rd. party - not on my part.

He tells me he wants his independence, but he won't leave unless I tell him - I really feel like I am being tricked somehow - so he can tell everyone I threw him out and DS will thing I told Daddy to leave?

 

[megan4777]

This situation is between DH & myself - things just have not been good, especially when there is a 3rd. party - not on my part.

He tells me he wants his independence, but he won't leave unless I tell him - I really feel like I am being tricked somehow - so he can tell everyone I threw him out and DS will thing I told Daddy to leave?

I'm sorry about what you're going through. My brother just went through something like this but I'm no help. He was just with a girlfriend who already had a daughter...it wasn't his wife/child.
I hope everything works out for you...

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

This situation is between DH & myself - things just have not been good, especially when there is a 3rd. party - not on my part.

He tells me he wants his independence, but he won't leave unless I tell him - I really feel like I am being tricked somehow - so he can tell everyone I threw him out and DS will thing I told Daddy to leave?

I've been in a smiliar situation (no kids) and said "you're an adult, you can decide for yourself if you you want to be here or not, I'm not your mom, I am not going to tell you what to do or where to go".

He decided he wanted to stay, but about a month later I kicked him out because I didn't want him around anymore.

 

[GJM]

I have said to him - it is your choice - there is the door if you want to go, he looks at me and said "only if you tell me to leave".

Trust me this is really wearing me thin - I feel like I have aged 10 years the last couple of months. It is right on the tip of my tongue to boot him - I would love to throw all his stuff on the front lawn.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

This will sound harsh: It sounds like he is a coward. He is married and has a child, and yet has an outside relationship. So he is playing the mind game of placing it on you so he doesn't have to bear any guilt that he has left his family. He'll make the situation completely unfair and intolerable but he won't do the actual leaving. He wants that responsibility on you, to make him leave so in some sick way in his mind he didn't walk out.

And that's a horrible thing to do to you and your DS on top of what he is already doing.

 

[Nancyg56]

I feel so bad for you. I have no advice, except that you are the only one who can decide what is best for you. When you are ready to make a decision, you will. I did throw all of DH stuff down the stairs one time. We lived in a duplex on the second level. It felt good while I was tossong his things away, but I felt terrible about that for a long time, and I know that it took him even longer to forget that little temper tantrum. Good luck to you.

 

[disykat]

See a lawyer to see if he has something to gain from not being the one who "gave up on the relationship".

I have a friend who is going through the same thing - he wouldn't leave, but he won't give up the girlfriend either. He is playing the guilt card big time on my friend about how she vowed good times and bad, etc. and trying to make it out to be her fault. He just doesn't want to have to pay the kind of money he'll have to pay in a divorce. My friend lets him walk all over her and that is preferable to what the courts will decide. He's out of the house now, but my friend still hasn't filed the papers and he won't.

 

[RadioNate]

This situation is between DH & myself - things just have not been good, especially when there is a 3rd. party - not on my part.

He tells me he wants his independence, but he won't leave unless I tell him - I really feel like I am being tricked somehow - so he can tell everyone I threw him out and DS will thing I told Daddy to leave?

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I think this is exactly what he is thinking. If you throw him out you're the bad guy, if he leaves he's the bad guy. He just wants you to do the dirty work.

I watched my best friend's ex do this to her last year. It is so unfair. Again, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I wish you all the best.

 

[Pugdog007]

Best of luck to you.

I have a variation on this. What if you tell someone to leave and they won't leave?

 

[GJM]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - I just don't know what to do, some days I feel so strong others I feel like crawling in a ball and crying - this is not the person that I married. Plus all he is doing is hurting his DS - he keeps asking where is Daddy - DH told me to tell him he is at work.

DH is very good at turning things around so it falls on me or it is my fault. I derserve so much better than this!

 

[Disney Ella]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Best of luck to you.

I have a variation on this. What if you tell someone to leave and they won't leave?

Then you get a court order to force them to leave!

To the OP, I am so sorry this is happening. My sister is in the beginning part of a divorce now, seems he had a gf. Definitely check with a lawyer, he may have already spoken to one. Now I'm not an attorney but I think if he leaves its abandonment, if you throw him out then you can't use that in a divorce.

Good Luck! I'm not sure of your DS's age but my DNiece is taking it better than all of us expected. She is asking very pointed questions of her dad without any prompting. Rather interesting. I think the whole gf thing really turned her stomach and she personally feels betrayed.

 

[GJM]

My DS is 6 -

Well here is other info. I just found out - it was on his computer desktop. He book plane and hotel reservations for them to go away at the end of March!

I almost want to -

a. Cancel the reservations
b. Change her name to mine
c. Hide his passport

Or should I just leave it alone because he is just a piece of garbage - but he sits here and tells me he still loves me and that he knows I'm better than her. She knows he is married because I have even talked to her. He tells me he is playing her, well how do I know your not playing me.

 

[VSL]

If there was no chance of it coming back on you I would say:
- Kick him out. Physically.
- Really screw with his reservation
- Start legal proceedings ASAP.

You shouldn't have to put up with this sort of horrid behaviour.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My DS is 6 -

Well here is other info. I just found out - it was on his computer desktop. He book plane and hotel reservations for them to go away at the end of March!

I almost want to -

a. Cancel the reservations
b. Change her name to mine
c. Hide his passport

Or should I just leave it alone because he is just a piece of garbage - but he sits here and tells me he still loves me and that he knows I'm better than her. She knows he is married because I have even talked to her. He tells me he is playing her, well how do I know your not playing me.

OMG!! You need to protect yourself and your DS. Please consult an attorney! Not sure of your state's laws or whatnot but that debt or money he is spending is half yours. If you're talking passports it sounds like a big trip. Its also sounds like he's got the best of both worlds right now. This must be one of the hardest decisions that ever has to be made and I don't envy you. But to be walked all over like this isn't good for you or your DS. Good Luck with everything.
ETA- just read that you're in Jersey. If I'm not mistaken you are responsible for those bills - cancel that trip!!! PM if you want the name of sister's atty. He's expensive but one of the best!!!

 

[Ananamouse]

This situation is between DH & myself - things just have not been good, especially when there is a 3rd. party - not on my part.

He tells me he wants his independence, but he won't leave unless I tell him - I really feel like I am being tricked somehow - so he can tell everyone I threw him out and DS will thing I told Daddy to leave?

If he is cheating, wants his independance but wont leave unless you tell him to...what the heck are you waiting for ?? Maybe to him its all justified if YOU tell him to leave, who cares what others think or what he tells others.....what are you going to tell others and your DS when he gives you some kind of disease and makes you ill from it ?? " I didnt want to throw daddy out because I was afraid of what he would say ?? "