Why would a woman want to have an affair with a married man?

[bumbershoot]

Glad she ruined a family for a little "fun."

SHE ruined a family? SHE did?

OK. The guy was drugged, unconscious, maybe dead at the time, no fault whatsoever....

 

[Poohbear123]

The first man that I SERIOUSLY Dated was a blind date....he was in the "process" of getting a divorce, and little did I know why his wife left him and was living with her Sister in Tallahasse WITH the kids...I found out later when it was too late...he was a Cheater AND an Abuser ....5 years later, I left, with MY 2 kids by him, and was settled on living alone...however, a Friend of X DH and I got in contact with me, who was still married, and asked if I would date him awhile ..I did...financially he took care of me, but I got my divorce LONG before he got his....I was starting to date others, and he found out, decided he REALLY wanted me for EVER got his divorce ...and we are still together after 25 years! Raised my kids as his own, and well...this is the other story that needed to be told....

 

[jobhunter]

I'll reply to this and then read the rest of the thread.

Why the assumption that the woman wants to marry him? That's most likely not the case.

And if you're talking about TW, this is a woman who saved his communications and showed/played them to/for her co-workers. This is NOT a woman who was thinking "oh and we'll be happy forevermore".

As for the rest of the post, from my experience, once someone goes looking, they might as well just end the marriage now. They are gone from it anyway. I personally think it's silly for people to cheat; they might as well just leave and be single. And no matter what the situation is, it's the married one who is absolutely at fault...the other man/woman didn't take even a single vow towards the other married one.

Well, when the Other Person is a family member or best friend of the betrayed, then I think they share the blame 50/50.

Fault seems a bit like a technicality though. You may not take vows with someone but does that give you the right to willfully contribute to causing heartbreak and harm to another? It's morally wrong to chase a married person. You can say you didn't take vows, but hey, are you allergic to decency?

Aren't you better than that? (General 'you') If not, well, shouldn't you be?

I think a lot of affairs are not the result of active looking. They are people with weak boundaries who let those boundaries get crossed with people at work or friends of the opposite sex. Then they make a series of bad choices and start rationalizing & justifying until they're over the edge and way on down the slippery slope.

 

[OhMari]

In the work place men and women spend more hours together, then a husband and wife do. During the day the people are awake, alert, ready to talk and discuss everything. When either person gets home from work, they deal with kids, car pooling, everyone is really exhausted. Lots of couple's grow apart, stop talking and what happens, they think the person that is giving attention to them at the work place means a heck of a lot more to them, then their spouse at home. Many affairs starts out at the work place, both end up leaving their spouses, marry each other and the newness of a relationship wears off a lot faster than the first one did. Thus, the grass is never greener, it just turns brown a lot faster.

 

[Ember]

It wouldn't be so easy for these men to destroy their families if these pathetic women weren't willing.

Some women are just not nice people and get off taking things away from other people...including husbands and fathers. And others are dumb enough to believe they'll be the "last one". Either way, going out with a married man is an assault on a family.

Glad she ruined a family for a little "fun."

Wow, I would never condone cheating, but if anyone is to blame for ruining or destroying or committing an assault on a family I'd say it was the cheating husband. The woman probably has issues, but it's not her family, it's his. The man is making the conscious choice to disregard his wife and children - this part of the equation is HIS responsibility.

If a man is trustworthy and honest, then it wouldn't matter what the availability of other willing women was. There will ALWAYS be opportunities to cheat. Again, I don't condone the actions of the women involved at all, but when it comes to the impact on a family, I place the blame solely at the feet of the cheating husband.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

For the life of me, I just can't see a reason. Does she think that if the guy cheats on his wife, he won't cheat on her? Is her ego so huge, that she thinks she is so perfect that he will stay with her forever?

Everybody seems to focus on the man in these cases, but there has to be some issue with a woman who would do that to another woman. Obviously in the case of celebraties, it is well known who is married & who is not. But even in the case of an ordinary guy who feeds some line to a woman he meets, she should still back off if the truth is found out.

In general I think cheating on either side has to do with self esteem, power and ego. In the case of celebrities I think it's part money.

What I can't understand even more is trying to make a buck off it or go to the media and share your story. Are you that proud to tell the whole world what a nasty (insert censored word here) and home wrecker you are?

I've never done anything like that but the faults I have and the mistakes I've made I sure as heck don't want to share with the world!

 

[Feralpeg]

Wow, I would never condone cheating, but if anyone is to blame for ruining or destroying or committing an assault on a family I'd say it was the cheating husband. The woman probably has issues, but it's not her family, it's his. The man is making the conscious choice to disregard his wife and children - this part of the equation is HIS responsibility.

If a man is trustworthy and honest, then it wouldn't matter what the availability of other willing women was. There will ALWAYS be opportunities to cheat. Again, I don't condone the actions of the women involved at all, but when it comes to the impact on a family, I place the blame solely at the feet of the cheating husband.

I totally agree. The other woman is an easy target in these situations. No, it isn't right, but I believe the cheating spouse to be more at fault. He is the one that made the decision to cheat on his family. No one held a gun to his head. He could have easily said no and walked away.

By the way, I saw many of these situation during my 30 years in the corporate world. More often than not, the situation was initiated by the man. I had several hit on me over the years. They knew I was single and decided that a little fun on the side would be a great thing. One was one of the execs for my company. It happens.

 

[ilovejack02]

My best friend's hubby cheated on her with our other best friend. ( the three of us were very close)

She moved into their home after her hubby threw her out of their house. We had no idea he threw her out due to finding out about the affair. Took my best friend almost a year to find out about the affair and when she did she left him .

The two then started a full on relationship, but even once he was finally divorced he wouldnt marry her.

She finally became so depressed with life , lost her children and her great life for that scum that she threw herself off the 12th floor of a hotel in late July.

None of us can figure out why she stayed even after he refused to marry her and started to cheat on her also. He picked away at her self esteem and this is how it ended .
What a tragedy, two precious little girls lost their mommy all due to two very selfish people's actions.

 

[tasha99]

Deleted. It was therapeutic to write it, but meh . . . don't need to share my life story on the disboards. OP, I PM'd you in case you really wanted to know.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Well I think we all need to put something in perspective here...

A lot of what I am reading is something along the lines of "it's fun for the woman but I don't understand it myself."

Someone likes to have an affair with a married man, someone likes to go out and kill elk, someone like to spend their entire weekend watching football, someone likes to spend every cent they have on the alcohol addition, someone likes to go to Disney World every year, someone likes to drink Pepsi...

Personally, the idea of spending my entire weekend watching football would only be slightly less torture than broken glass in my eye but people like it. Though, I'm not saying having an affair is ok, that's not really my point... my point is that not understanding why people do things, though these things may seem like an odd way to enjoy oneself, people like different things and these things may have nothing to do with a poor upbringing, low self-esteem or any other BS excuse, the person could just thouroughly enjoy the aspect of having an affair... via the secrecy, the adrenaline, the doing-something-your-not-supposed to... whatever.

ETA: I'm not saying what the other woman in the situation is doing is ok by any means but I just wanted to put a little perspective on this.

 

[FireDancer]

I think the vast majority of the time the other woman is in the relationship for the no strings attached part. As PPs have said they get the fun without the work. If they are knowing having an affair with a married man or a man is knowingly having an affair with a married woman they are just as much to blame as the cheater. They don't have as much to lose, true, but they are just as guilty.

Why a spouse would cheat might sound complicated and there are all kinds of "reasons" that can be banded about but it comes down to one thing, a lack of character. Look, people don't all of a sudden stop being attracted to other human beings when they become married and there is nothing wrong with that. There is temptation all around but it is a person with no character that gives into the temptation.

Any long term relationship takes work. If either party stops being physically or emotionally attracted to their spouse it has to be addressed. If there is something missing from the marriage it has to be addressed. If those things are addressed and can't be worked out the marriage may have to end but it should end before the affair. The affair shouldn't be explained away by the problem, at that point it becomes a justification for a bad decision. The whole "I had to go get <fill in anything> elsewhere because I wasn't getting it at home" just doesn't cut it with me and it never will.

I think with most things in life we as humans try to justify our poor choices when in actuality it was just a bad decision and we are trying to explain it away and avoid the consequences.

 

[terri01p]

My opinion is, that it's pure and simple lack of morals. Let's face it there are times in everyone's life that you become attracted to someone else, that is when morals steps in. Some people and I am one, it's not even in their thought process to even let something like that start happening, it's called self control.

 

[underdesea]

My first job out of college, I worked and traveled on business with a woman who was 20 years older than I was, married with several children. She was known throughout the company as "playing around" on business trips -- something I was not aware of when I went on my first business trip with her. Oh, and I might mention, at the time, one of her children was undergoing treatment for cancer.

Anyway, we were sharing a hotel room. One night, while we were hanging out in the hotel bar with other conference attendees, she became quite "friendly" with a guy. Long story short, she didn't show up in our room that night. Called me the next morning from another room in the hotel.

Fast forward to the end of the business trip. We get off the plane, and her husband and kids are waiting eagerly by the gate (pre 9/11) to meet her. I felt so incredibly awful -- like somehow I was part of the deception by not saying anything.

I don't know if the guy from the bar was married -- but she certainly was. I have no idea why she did what she did -- and unfortunately, I had to go on future business trips with her and saw similar behavior. It was awful.

On another trip, her daughter -- the one undergoing treatment for cancer -- called her in our room as we were getting ready to go out for the evening. The daughter was crying because she was starting to lose her hair due to chemo. My co-worker -- I kid you not -- told her, "Mommy has had a hard day too and needs to go right now. I'll call you later."

I guess I have no real point here, other than to say some people just can't be understood.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

My opinion is, that it's pure and simple lack of morals. Let's face it there are times in everyone's life that you become attracted to someone else, that is when morals steps in. Some people and I am one, it's not even in their thought process to even let something like that start happening, it's called self control.

I'm sorry but I have to completely disagree with you on this one. It's a lack of ONE moral... the person could otherwise be a Saint. Again, I'm not saying it's ok but to say that engaging in an affair automatically make the person a person without morals is wrong. Has this person ever killed anyone? Has this person ever stolen anything? Has this person (fill in the blank)... this person may have ONE moral lacking most likely not ALL.

 

[kellyg403]

This is probably one of those questions with no 'real' answer as every person is different. As a person whose ex cheated I can say that I never really blamed the woman..I blamed him. He made the vow to walk the walk, she didn't.

But I will say, I DO think there is thrill involved, and yes the person in my situation KNEW he was married with kids. Maybe it was trying to have what another has, the thrill of taking something from someone I don't know. The ability to be everything he wanted and some.

I will say though...a little more than a year or so into their relationship she cheated on HIM with someone else. Funny, he couldn't figure out how that was possible! So in the end, it wasn't the committment, or the nice guy she was looking for but the thrill of it all. I think the whole family, kids thing looked appealing until they are in it. Then the thrill is gone, everyday life shows up and who knows what can happen then.

Kelly

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

SHE ruined a family? SHE did?

OK. The guy was drugged, unconscious, maybe dead at the time, no fault whatsoever....

I agree with you! Most of the guys that I know that have cheated, were not held hostage or forced to do it. They did it because they wanted to. Because they thought they could have the best of both worlds. It's called self control and honoring your comittment to your spouse or partner.
You call the woman whatever you want, however put the blame where it really is due, on the guy who did this to HIS OWN family.
Not once when the Tiger story was unraveling did i think badly of the other women, I think badly on Tiger. He is the one that screwed up his family, not the women.

 

[ilovejack02]

I agree with you! Most of the guys that I know that have cheated, were not held hostage or forced to do it. They did it because they wanted to. Because they thought they could have the best of both worlds. It's called self control and honoring your comittment to your spouse or partner.
You call the woman whatever you want, however put the blame where it really is due, on the guy who did this to HIS OWN family.
Not once when the Tiger story was unraveling did i think badly of the other women, I think badly on Tiger. He is the one that screwed up his family, not the women.

I think badly of Tiger and the other women. These women now EXACTLY what they are doing, esp the one from the VH1 show. She is getting the 15 mins of fame that she wants.

 

[punkin]

I'm sorry but I have to completely disagree with you on this one. It's a lack of ONE moral... the person could otherwise be a Saint. Again, I'm not saying it's ok but to say that engaging in an affair automatically make the person a person without morals is wrong. Has this person ever killed anyone? Has this person ever stolen anything? Has this person (fill in the blank)... this person may have ONE moral lacking most likely not ALL.

I'm not sure you are right. The ONE thing all the cheaters have in common is extreme selfishness. They do not for one minute think about the effect of their actions on another person. Their me me me attitude is sure to come out in other ways during their life. There is no way a person who thinks like this would be a saint in all other areas. Sainthood (or anything resembling it) requires selflessness first.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I think badly of Tiger and the other women. These women now EXACTLY what they are doing, esp the one from the VH1 show. She is getting the 15 mins of fame that she wants.

When the Other Woman *knows* the man is married she commits adultery. Just like the cheating husband. End of story. No rationalization needs to be explained.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

A lot of great perspectives in this thread - very interesting read.

I think it has to be a woman with some serious issues to knowingly enter into an affair with a married man. I have always thought there was a lot of competitiveness involved - a way for a woman to prove that she is better, more desireable, more attractive, etc... than the man's spouse. To need that kind of validation is really strange to me, but I have met a lot of women that do.

When DH and I were engaged there was a female co-worker of DH's that was actively pursuing him even though she knew he was engaged. She would even call my MIL "just to chat" . Needless to say her attempts didn't work. If anything we both (and MIL) just thought she was pathetic.