Why is there often animosity between DILs and MILs?

[Principessa1284]

Oh well.. speaking of the crazy train, my in-laws may be the conductors..

To start, I'm from NY, DH was born and raised in FL with his parents from GA. Deep-south, biggot racists. I was immediately not good enough - before they even met me - because I'm a "yankee" and I wasn't the right kind of Christian. (I was raised Lutheran, they're strict Southern Baptists.) They also didn't like that I look "ethnic."..... I'm half Italian. God forbid if I was black or a Jew! The heavens would have come crashing down and the apocalypse would be upon us!

After she got to knew me, and me being on my best behavior, she liked me. I'm still not entirely too fond of her. She drove me crazy leading up to the wedding. See, she won't outright insult you.. she'll do it in that "bless you heart, child" kind of way. She offered to do the cutting cake for the wedding. That's fine - save us a ton of money, right? Nope. She asked me what I wanted for it and I told her, and she oh-so-politely told me how awful my idea was and that she had a much better one. Excellent. I let it go - whatever. It's just a confection.

MIL and DIL just live in a very different world - they still live in the 1950s/60s south. They still use the N word and it makes me sick to my stomach everytime. MIL also told me at the wedding how happy she was to finally have a real daughter.. her biological daughter (and DHs awesome sister) came out as a lesbian about 10 years ago and they all but disowned her, since she's going to HE double LL, and all.

Sigh.

We live in their old house in FL and they mostly live in their new house in AL. They are FILTHY RICH, but you'd never know it. They got that way by scrimping and pinching every penny (great, right?) but they cut all the wrong corners. They even used to dumpster dive for pastries outside the local bakery when DH was little .They BAULKED at the price of a $40 dinner at Biergarten in EPCOT for candlelight and almost refused to pay, even after they said how AMAZING the meal was. OH OH and on our way into the park, she BOLTED back to the car before we got to security at EPCOT.. she didn't think carrying her handgun in her purse would be an issue. I was mystified. Anyway, they have all this money and do nothing with it. They are in their 70s and DH wonders what their plans are. They won't tell any of their children.. our guess is it's going to the grave with them? No matter. It's their money to do what they want with. I just wish they'd send DH more than a card with $5 (YES!) in it for his birthday. He's 27. For my birthday, I got a used tube of Avon lipstick that she didn't like the color of.. really? Cuz a hearty "happy birthday" would have done just fine..

When they do come to visit, DH gets to hear about what an awful housekeeper I am since the house is not up to code, as hard as I try before they come. She homeschooled DH and didn't work, so since I don't cook my husband every meal and keep the house spotless - you know, with my 45-hr a week job getting in the way - that I'm not as good a wife as she is.

Ahem. I meant that to be shorter... I do feel better now

 

[disneyjunkie]

I think that a certain percentage of the time the problems are actually related to the husbands who don't know how to set boundaries and stand with their spouses. I see husbands who allow their moms to do horrible things to their wives, "because she's my mom." If the husband would realize that he has a new family and enforce the boundaries, there would be fewer problems.

There are also those husbands who allow their wives to do horrible things to their mothers.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Oh well.. speaking of the crazy train, my in-laws may be the conductors..

To start, I'm from NY, DH was born and raised in FL with his parents from GA. Deep-south, biggot racists. I was immediately not good enough - before they even met me - because I'm a "yankee" and I wasn't the right kind of Christian. (I was raised Lutheran, they're strict Southern Baptists.) They also didn't like that I look "ethnic."..... I'm half Italian. God forbid if I was black or a Jew! The heavens would have come crashing down and the apocalypse would be upon us!

After she got to knew me, and me being on my best behavior, she liked me. I'm still not entirely too fond of her. She drove me crazy leading up to the wedding. See, she won't outright insult you.. she'll do it in that "bless you heart, child" kind of way. She offered to do the cutting cake for the wedding. That's fine - save us a ton of money, right? Nope. She asked me what I wanted for it and I told her, and she oh-so-politely told me how awful my idea was and that she had a much better one. Excellent. I let it go - whatever. It's just a confection.

MIL and DIL just live in a very different world - they still live in the 1950s/60s south. They still use the N word and it makes me sick to my stomach everytime. MIL also told me at the wedding how happy she was to finally have a real daughter.. her biological daughter (and DHs awesome sister) came out as a lesbian about 10 years ago and they all but disowned her, since she's going to HE double LL, and all.

Sigh.

We live in their old house in FL and they mostly live in their new house in AL. They are FILTHY RICH, but you'd never know it. They got that way by scrimping and pinching every penny (great, right?) but they cut all the wrong corners. They even used to dumpster dive for pastries outside the local bakery when DH was little .They BAULKED at the price of a $40 dinner at Biergarten in EPCOT for candlelight and almost refused to pay, even after they said how AMAZING the meal was. OH OH and on our way into the park, she BOLTED back to the car before we got to security at EPCOT.. she didn't think carrying her handgun in her purse would be an issue. I was mystified. Anyway, they have all this money and do nothing with it. They are in their 70s and DH wonders what their plans are. They won't tell any of their children.. our guess is it's going to the grave with them? No matter. It's their money to do what they want with. I just wish they'd send DH more than a card with $5 (YES!) in it for his birthday. He's 27. For my birthday, I got a used tube of Avon lipstick that she didn't like the color of.. really? Cuz a hearty "happy birthday" would have done just fine..

When they do come to visit, DH gets to hear about what an awful housekeeper I am since the house is not up to code, as hard as I try before they come. She homeschooled DH and didn't work, so since I don't cook my husband every meal and keep the house spotless - you know, with my 45-hr a week job getting in the way - that I'm not as good a wife as she is.

Ahem. I meant that to be shorter... I do feel better now

Oh my goodness. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

Why in the world would she need a gun at WDW???

 

[Principessa1284]

Oh my goodness. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

Why in the world would she need a gun at WDW???

She can't leave her gun at home.. that's when the hoodlums attack her!!

Her defense was that she didn't know they had security checks....

Seriously. Everyone tells that story to everyone I've ever met, lol, I was NOT AMUSED at the time but it's now a long-running joke. "Oh YOU'RE the girl who's MIL took a gun to Epcot!!"

 

[Disney Doll]

I think that a certain percentage of the time the problems are actually related to the husbands who don't know how to set boundaries and stand with their spouses. I see husbands who allow their moms to do horrible things to their wives, "because she's my mom." If the husband would realize that he has a new family and enforce the boundaries, there would be fewer problems.

Luckily, I have a nice MIL and step-MIL. They have their flaws and we aren't best friends, but we all work together just fine.

I agree with this. I had a great MIL. We got along well, she was a wonderful generous person...always the first to help someone in need. But she did have a strong personality, so I am glad that in our early engagement, DH made it clear that he now stood with me for important decisions and that if she put him into the position of choosing between us, he'd be choosing m. Thankfully, she was OK with that for the most part. Acouple of missteps, but nothing terrible.

 

[mariolatry]

My MIL is a Korean Catholic. I am a Protestant Whitey. She hated me at DH's first mention of me. She hated me before she met me.

It's gotten better, after seven years of marriage. We're able to be cordial with each other, if not friendly. She'll have once big freakout per year about how horrible I am. DH is unable to set limits with her. I work through the issues. Such is life.

 

[cm8]

It all depends on each woman's tolerance level for drama. My MIL has a low tolerance level for melodrama and I happily share the same page with her. There are things she does that I don't like, and there are things I do that she doesn't like. We simply agree to not discuss those things OR to do them while we're in each other's houses. We established boundaries right away and, so far, it's kept the peace in both of our families.

My DH's SIL, OTOH, that's another story. High-drama, high-maintenance, Persian Cat syndrome. MIL and SIL barely tolerate each other and I prefer to not be around her, either.

, my MIL and I got along just find till I found out that her husband was calling my SIL and my children names, Haven't spoken to her since. Felt really stupid though for believing that she had knowledge of the issues till she let it slip that she knew and allowed it. Now my husband does not care for my Mom either because he said that she needs to mind her own beeswax. In her defense she grew concern when she found out that my MIL and her husband were calling our children names

 

[Piglet4Ever]

Luckily I have been blessed with a wonderful MIL. By BFF however had an awful relationshiop with her now ex-MIL. I think it came down to MIL feeling like BFF's Dh was her baby boy and no one would ever be good enough him. Seeing as how all of this ladies children have been divorced at least once now, that says something.

 

[LovableGluttons]

I wish I knew the answer.

After 22+ years of dealing with her insincerity, mean comments, and fake helplessness, I just keep my distance.

Before DH and I had kids, we would bend over backwards to try to make MIL happy.

Then we gave up.

 

[PRmamiDEdos]

, my MIL and I got along just find till I found out that her husband was calling my SIL and my children names, Haven't spoken to her since. Felt really stupid though for believing that she had knowledge of the issues till she let it slip that she knew and allowed it. Now my husband does not care for my Mom either because he said that she needs to mind her own beeswax. In her defense she grew concern when she found out that my MIL and her husband were calling our children names

Arrrggh. You're in the same situation I'm in. I'll say this. As women, we tend to be very close to our moms (at least most of us are). We tell them everything. I had to learn to keep my mouth shut around my mom when it came to my husband. Granted, I know my mom felt like she was protecting me and the kids, but she took it a wee bit far and it seemed like she was trying to break up my marriage (my sister always took Mom's advice and now she's divorced). MIL took offense to what my mom did and well....here were are.

Anyway, now my mom and his mom don't get along. This year, I'm having Thanksgiving dinner at my house and since it was my Mom's year, I invited her. When FIL found out (from DH), he said oh, maybe we'll give MIL a break this year and go to your house. Um, World War III anyone?? DH now has to go back and tell his parents that I invited my mom first since it is her year. Next year I'd be more than happy to cook for my IL's. I just wish we could get them here all at the same time.

Long story short, ladies, keep your mouths shut around your families when it comes to your marriage. If you need someone to talk to, find a counselor or a priest.

 

[NMAmy]

Ah, well, I've had a few MIL's--some good, some not so good.

My ex's mother hated me. Luckily, we lived 2000 miles away so I didn't have to see her very often. I made sure she got birthday cards/phone calls, Christmas gifts, pictures of her granddaughter on a regular basis and treated her kindly in return. After we divorced and my ex remarried, suddenly she realized that I was fantastic. At one point, she even asked dd if she thought I might let her move in with me. DD told her, "Nana, if you'd been nicer to Mom when she was married to my dad, then she'd totally help you if you needed it but now I think you'd be pushing your luck."

I still get along great with my ex's stepmother and his father. They live near me now and I see them a few times a year. They're very nice people.

DH's mother has passed away but before I met her, I was regaled with horror stories from my sister-in-laws. I was told not to take offense because she didn't like any of her DIL's. She and I got along really well. I thought she was alot of fun--I don't know if she'd mellowed with age or if the fact that I lived across the Atlantic Ocean helped but she and I really enjoyed each other's company and talked often on the telephone.

 

[rszdtrvl]

Well....... as a Daughter In Law I can tell you why I don't like my MIL (and I actually was ballsy enough to tell her last time I saw her that I just don't think we will ever get along - DH and I have been married for almost 15 years) :

She lies to my face - says one thing to me and turns to DH and says the opposite
She disrespects my familly
She is a drug user who laughs one minute and cries the next
She thinks the world owes her and she is entitled to whatever she wants
She cannot talk to someone without that conversation leading to talking smack about someone else
She has a negative energy which brings stress and anxiety into the house
She claims she is disabled, yet danced on a chair at a concert (abuses the system)

I can go on and on, but won't. I am not talking bad about her, I am speaking the truth. DH has decided that he will meet with her 1-2 times a year (his choice - he feels the same about her as I do - his great grandmother raised him - the rare instances he was with his mother she promoted him to "lead stealer" and gave him lists of things to steal for her) and get together at a casino or someplace other than our house for a few hours. Luckily she lives an hour away, so we don't see her often. It takes days to get our household back to it's normal happy self after a visit from her. The visits are always chaos. She just can't keep her mouth shut and be a positive person.

She spread such vicious untrue rumors about me after she visited last that during DH's grandfather's wake, his uncle actually came up to me and told me that he does not want any trouble and that everyone understands how she is and how she is a drug user and that it is not her talking but the drugs (sorry for the crazy run-on sentence). THAT was just about enough to push me over the edge and stay in the car for the rest of the day.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I'm not married, yet, but I love DFiance's mom! We're great friends! I've known her since I was about 2 though.

 

[Planogirl]

I had a different situation. My DH and mother never got along. That seemed to be an issue for my mother in general though.

My MIL is OK. DH's family overall is a bit odd though.

 

[Robinrs]

Oh well.. speaking of the crazy train, my in-laws may be the conductors..

To start, I'm from NY, DH was born and raised in FL with his parents from GA. Deep-south, biggot racists. I was immediately not good enough - before they even met me - because I'm a "yankee" and I wasn't the right kind of Christian.

One of the MANY reasons I love Georgia...

 

[Carly_Roach]

If women would learn to get along the world would be a much better place.

Boy you said a mouthful there, sistah! I totally agree, but I'm not holding my breath, either.

Woman seem to have some kind of ingrained inferiority complex that makes them feel they have to tear down other women in order to (somehow) make themselves look better. What they never seem to realize is that all the petty bickering, name-calling, one-upsmanship, gossiping and outright meanness is only interesting to themselves or other women like them - not at all interesting the men they're fighting over.

All the men seem to want is food, sports, sex and beer. And whatever hobby they're interested in. Give 'em that and they're happy.

 

[deegack]

My MIL (and FIL for that matter) treat my daughter completely different from their other 2 grand daughters. We think it stems for our fertility issues and DD not being biologically my DH's (although he is her father if you follow). When I got very sick and was put on bedrest for my pregnancy, they never called, except when DH went down there to drop something off and ended up staying 6 hours to help do something leaving me home alone. MIL called to bascially tell me it was DH's duty as a son to help and I just have to deal. Um no, not when I had to drive myself to the hospital 3 times that week while he was at work. His duty is home with me. They could not be bothered to come visit DD while she was in the hospital even though she was early and in the NICU. FIL didn't see her until she was 2 months old even though he literally drove by the hospital on some camping trip. We only see them about 4 times a year because the 90 minute drive to too far. When we have gone to their house to visit, they don't stop what they are doing to even have a conversation with us, never mind playing with our DD. They don't pick up the things that are dangerous for her to be around. This wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for how they treated the other 2 grand daughters. They go out and buy new toys, they clean everything (actually last time they had DH come down and steam clean all their carpets), they arrange special trips for them and don't invite us and DD. All I ever hear is how SIL does thing different from me (she made her own baby food, she breastfed for a year etc). Oh they have flown to Washington State and now Alaska at least 5 times a year to see SIL.


So they basically suck. Even DH says thank goodness he has good inlaws because at least DD will have one set of good grandparents.

 

[Mkrop]

My MIL and I started off rocky but I think we are in a better place now. In the beginning, MIL had no filter. She would tell you exactly how she feels or sees something. Not always a bad thing but sometimes you are just floored by what comes out of her mouth.

I did not grow up like that, we would tell someone the truth but we also did not try to hurt someone's feelings in the process.

When we first started dating and got married, I was very nervous and she was too much for me. For example, I am always cold when I visit them, but I did not complain, just go and get my sweatshirt or sweater. You would have thought I committed a mortal sin. She would make me feel totally ridiculous for being cold. Saying stuff during the visit.

DH just laughed and said that is how she is. I was not happy.

Then my one SIL cut them off entirely (turns out SIL was an alcoholic, long story) but my ILs actually bent over backwards to help them when SIL got really sick. I felt bad so I did not want to cut them off from our lives, they are the kids GPs and my DH is their son.

She has learned to curb her comments to a degree and I think I have developed a tougher skin, I just shake my head now.

Like last time she was here, she lectured me on cooking hot dogs correctly. Really why do you care? They got cooked, my DS, was fed. He was the only eating it after his game. So I just shook my head.

 

[rodeo65]

My MIL told me I was "taking her favorite son away from her" when I first met her.

I really did not know her very well when I married her son, as we both lived across the country from her when we met and dated. I usually get along well with people's parents, and it bothered me that she didn't like to welcome any newcomers into her little circle. At first, it upset me, but then all the other IL's told me she treats all of them this way, so I knew it wasn't me.

She told all her DIL's and SIL's that her obligation and loyalty is to her children only, since they are her blood. Spouses are 'outsiders' to her. As you can imagine, this has caused problems between her and all her IL's because of the way she treats them as intruders.

I don't understand this, as my parents treat my DH like he is their son. He (and all the spouses of my siblings) are treated as full family members, and they love them and treat them as such.

Some people have wonderful in-law's, but some of us just end up with the ones who have personal issues of some sort. She's a very controlling woman, and I've discovered that she' just not very nice to people who are not related to her.

Sounds exactly like my MIL (except for the part about treating her own blood well.) When we called to tell her we were expecting our first baby, she started wailing on the phone and said that she had lost her son two years earlier (when we got married) and that now she would never get to see her grandchild either!!! I was always the one trying to get DH to give her the benefit of the doubt, since I grew up with parents who didn't undermine me and really took years to get that this is actually how some people operate.

DH has had problems with his family his whole life and when a couple of years later, as her manipulative and excluding nature showed more and more of itself, he decided it was not good for any of us to continue to deal with her and we stopped communication for five years.

A couple of years ago he decided that enough time had passed and maybe we could move forward more positively with him having established better personal boundaries himself, so we re-setablished contact. She was on her "good behaviour" for about six months and then started with the manipulations again, which seemed to primarily be about getting him to see how I broke up the family. You'd think she was a mafia Don. And she was the same way with her other ex-DIL. Which I figure contributed to many of the issues in that marriage. She refuses to see what kind of a bad relationship DH had with his family and her role in it, so we once again are out of contact.

Overall, it's much more peaceful this way. DH wishes things could be different, but as he says "how many times do you have to get whacked by the same branch before you stay out of the forest?"

As you said dismom2 - some people just have issues.

 

[Wishing on a star]

she started wailing on the phone and said that she had lost her son two years earlier (when we got married) and that now she would never get to see her grandchild either!!! I was always the one trying to get DH to give her the benefit
.....
some people just have issues.

OMG!!!! just too familiar....
We have always made sure that MIL gets to see her precious son and precious grandson EVERY week. EVERY holiday.... EVERY everything...
(DH would have had it no other way)
We drive nearly an hour back and forth to do this....
They have never, ever, not once, made any effort to come up here to see him and be involved.
She, too, has been known to say that "I am 'keeping HER grandson from her".

At this point, I just