Why is there often animosity between DILs and MILs?

[luvsJack]

I think that a certain percentage of the time the problems are actually related to the husbands who don't know how to set boundaries and stand with their spouses. I see husbands who allow their moms to do horrible things to their wives, "because she's my mom." If the husband would realize that he has a new family and enforce the boundaries, there would be fewer problems.

Luckily, I have a nice MIL and step-MIL. They have their flaws and we aren't best friends, but we all work together just fine.

I agree with this to some degree but it goes the other way too. Sometimes its the dil causing the problem and the husband just finds it easier to keep quiet. I have seen wives that seem to think their husband should cut all ties with his family while she still sees her's daily. That is not right either. But, the hubbie should stand up and say something.

My mil and I get along wonderfully and both my dil's and I get along great (wasn't always that way with one, but its getting better and better).

My first mil was the mil from hades. My ex is now 53 and still lives with her. She still thinks he is the "golden child" and everyone is just mean to him. Oh, and all women cheat on their husbands so no wife should ever go out of the house without her husband (even though he works away from home and is gone 15 days out of 30) She didn't accept me and she didn't accept his second wife. She will never accept anyone that marries him.

 

[Kitzka]

the reason i don't get along with my MIL? She is looney tunes. DH always says he hated growing up in the house he did and that his mother was very controlling, misguided and cared mainly about herself. It was never about the kids or her husband but was about her. He can count on one hand the happy memories he had growing up.

When we were first married i made him call them every week and tried to include them in our lives. but her controlling ways quickl became evident. if it wasn't her way it was no way. One year we were at SIL's inlaws house for a huge family thanksgiving. In the middle of dinner MIl stood up and told her husband that they were leaving. there was no rhyme or reason and she stranded DH, I and our daughter 90 minutes from home! BIl drove us home but i know he would have preferred to be with his family not driving 3 hours round trip to get us home.

Now, i don't make DH call his parents. and know what? they don't call us. They have come to visit SIL's children 5 times since july for 4 days at a time. We last heard from them in July. there was no fight, no issues but she was unhappy when we bought a new car that had a black interior. she thought we should have gotten tan interior. so no word since july.

i don't try to understand her anymore.

lara

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am beginning to wonder where all the stories are about DIL's are????
While I am sure that there are some 'princess' and imperfect DIL's, that the stories about them barrelling into the picture and disrupting the whole family (similar to all of the MIL stories being told) are just not there..... I really couldn't imagine this ever being the case. A DIL is a new outsider, walking into an established matriarchy.

Something also tells me that if a man completely walks away from his family... that there were probably existing underlying reasons.
I don't see that many girls who are THAT good (powerful over men).
I just don't see that many truly 'whipped' men out there.
Seem to be plenty of mama's boys, though....

 

[Disneyrsh]

.

 

[luvsJack]

I am beginning to wonder where all the stories are about DIL's are????
While I am sure that there are some 'princess' and imperfect DIL's, that the stories about them barrelling into the picture and disrupting the whole family (similar to all of the MIL stories being told) are just not there..... I really couldn't imagine this ever being the case. A DIL is a new outsider, walking into an established matriarchy.

Something also tells me that if a man completely walks away from his family... that there were probably existing underlying reasons.
I don't see that many girls who are THAT good (powerful over men).
I just don't see that many truly 'whipped' men out there.
Seem to be plenty of mama's boys, though....

Oh, please. Yes there are many "princess" dil's out there. My mil has had a some doozies. Just because a dil is the new outsider doesn't mean she won't come in and try to take over. Many young women seem to think that they will waltze into a family and suddenly become the "be all" and "end all".

Once ds got things straight with his dw--our little problem ended and now we all get along fine, but she definitly had to "find her place" in the family. I couldn't ask for a better dil now, we are very good friends. Part of her change came from another dil entering the family, she saw how well we all got along and enjoyed being together and decided she wanted to be a part of that. She definitly changed her overbearing, controlling ways.

DH's oldest sil is one that cannot and will not get along with dh's family for very long at all. She is constantly stirring the pot and making problems. Bil just ignores her when he should say something about the way she is treating his mom and dad. Is it his fault? Yes, to a degree. Is it mil fault? Not one ounce.

Sometimes a man completely walking away from his family IS because there were already problems and sometimes its to keep the peace at home. Do not kid yourself of otherwise.

 

[FayeW]

I am a good daughter-in-law, and I have a good mother-in-law. If we had ever lived in the same town, or even the same province, it might be different.

I think at the end of the day it comes down to having/showing respect for each other, and the unique position we each have in the son/husband's life. From what I have read here on the DIS there are many prima dona DI's who perhaps got the idea that it was not only the "bride's day", but also the "bride's marriage". There are also many overbearing, controlling MILs who are overly-invested in their adult son's life.

Both parties have to have reasonable expectations. My in-laws have occassionally hurt my feelings, but mostly because I expected them to behave in a certain way and that is just not who they are. Perhaps I should say that my expectations of how they should behave were not realistic for them, and that set up a situation whereby I hurt my own feelings! I am just as sure that over the last 20 years of marriage I have made a careless or thoughtless remark that may have hurt my MIL's feelings.

The biggest thing for me was that I expected my ILs to treat my children the way my parents do. I assumed that when they made the 1500 mile pilgrimage to see us that they would play with the kids, or read to them, or engage them in some way. That's not who they are. Now my kids are teenagers and we go to see them every couple of years. My parents are the ones who get the phone calls when something exciting happens (like having a great game in hockey). Sadly, MIL sometimes finds out about those things from other relatives who read about it on facebook. That's what happened this week when my 15 yr old got her first job. I suggested she call "the nannies" and tell them about it...she called my parents and chatted away...said she'd call MIL later and then forgot. MIL called a few days later because somebody had seen the news on facebook and told her about it so she called to congratulate her.

I wish they were closer (emotionally), but as the kids get older, I can't force them to have a relationship with people who are distant, both figuritively and literally. I call my MIL a lot though, to keep her in the loop.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I am beginning to wonder where all the stories are about DIL's are????
While I am sure that there are some 'princess' and imperfect DIL's, that the stories about them barrelling into the picture and disrupting the whole family (similar to all of the MIL stories being told) are just not there..... I really couldn't imagine this ever being the case. A DIL is a new outsider, walking into an established matriarchy.

Something also tells me that if a man completely walks away from his family... that there were probably existing underlying reasons.
I don't see that many girls who are THAT good (powerful over men).
I just don't see that many truly 'whipped' men out there.
Seem to be plenty of mama's boys, though....

Really, how does this help? Do you enjoy just rubbing it in?

What's wrong with pointing out that there are DIL's and MIL's that love/respect each other?

 

[dismom2]

It's difficult to have respect for someone who:

*Makes it clear to all non-blood relatives that they are not important to her, and are not really part of the family. Unfortunately, this includes adopted children. She doesn't feel that her adopted grandchildren are really her grandchildren because they aren't biologically related to her. She has verbally stated this, and she excludes these kids from things, which is just heartbreaking.

*Who lies all the time. Also talks about everyone she knows behind their back. She spreads rumors and tries to cause problems between family members.

*Who is prejudiced against many groups of humans. Very closed-minded.

*Who thinks she is the only one who matters, and tries to control her adult children, their wives, and their children. Who is manipulative, and is resentful towards any family members who don't live close to her, or let her control every aspect of their lives.

*Who won't acknowledge anybody's special occasion (birthdays, milestones, graduations, special awards, holidays, etc...) but expects cards, gifts, and a lot of praise for herself for every occasion. She has stated to the whole family that she is 'more important' because she is 'THE MOTHER', as if nobody else matters at all. Not only will she not wish anybody a happy (insert holiday or occasion), she will never compliment anyone or express empathy for others. It's very strange, her lack of feelings. However, she expects everyone to do all of the above for her.

*Who is a hypocrite.

*Who told everyone she had cancer, and said she had surgery for it, but the entire story was fabricated to cover up a big lie.

*Who refuses to discuss any problems with anybody. Ever.

*Will not touch or eat any food that anyone else has made. If she is visiting your house, she will only eat there if she goes to the store and buys her own food and cooks it.

*Who knows a certain family member (a young child) has a life threatening allergy to a certain food, yet sends them that item for a gift.

*Who has no respect for anybody else.

*Who can't admit she has a long-term, serious drinking problem. She feels that since she goes to work everyday, and claims it doesn't affect her life, it can't be true (even though everyone else knows she's a 'functioning alcoholic')

*Who didn't care at all when one of her DS's wives was physically and emotionally abused by her DS. Broken bones, verbal and emotional abuse, and yet she didn't care at all because "she loves HER children unconditionally and will always be on their side". The poor wife...the MIL and some other members of that family wouldn't give her the time of day, and she was the victim 100%.

I could go on and on. As I said before, there are a lot of great women who are wonderful MIL's--and generally nice people all around. But, there are some very not-so-nice people out there and some of us ended up with one of these types for a MIL. I love my DH, and both of us have tried our best to be understanding about his DM, but there are limits to some things. My poor DH doesn't even get a phone call on his birthday from his parents. Thank God my parents make up for the way his parents treat him.

We have tried to hard with this woman. Every in her family has. She is very difficult to deal with, so we rarely visit anymore.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

I could only wish that my MIL and I could not "get along"....you see, my MIL has alzheimer's and cannot walk or take care of herself, and most of the time family visit, she doesn't know who we are....it breaks my heart to see her like that.

The only advice I can give to all of the DIL's who have MIL issues out there is that one day, you might wish your MIL was around to "not get along" with you. I know that I would give anything to have her around in good health and knowing her son, even if she absolutely hated me the whole time.

 

[staley7580]

It's always good to hear that there are good MIL/DIL relationships out there.

My MIL is basically a nice person, but she definitely has boundary issues. My DH is an only child and the father died when my DH was a toddler. It was always just the two of them when DH was growing up. She did a good job raising DH to be a respectful and decent person, so I can't complain about that.

When we first started dating, MIL thought that DH should still be in his prior relationship with a woman that MIL loved. MIL took it upon herself to track down my phone number (we hadn't even met yet) and leave me a nasty voicemail message. She was also planning on coming into my workplace and telling me to stay away from her son, but DH found out her plans and stopped her. This was all completely unacceptable to my DH and to me. Because of her actions, I have held her at arms length. We will never be extremely close. She has apologized to me several times for her initial reaction to us dating, but it's hard to forget.

That was my MIL when my husband and I started dating. She called my roommate and kept her on the phone for an hour talking about how horrid I was.. I was a tramp because I had a 6month old baby. and.. God forbid.. My baby was half black. She was horrible to me. She HATED me, and talked bad about me to everyone.

She is better now.. Now that we have 4 kids, and we have been together for 8 years, I think she gets the idea that I am not going anywhere any time soon. In the past year or so she has been trying more. My husband was to the point where he never even wanted to talk to her.. She just always had something rude to say. But.. We are working on things. She wants to help, and be more involved with the kids. We have dh's 17yo sister living with us. She is his dads daughter by his second marriage.. Does that make sense? We were worried about how his mother would react to that, it was a bad divorce for her, and she still loves his dad.. So we thought she might say, or do.. something rude to Julie. But she was awesome! the poor child was so nervous to meet my MIL, but I think that my MIL put her right at ease. I was impressed.

 

[luvsJack]

It's difficult to have respect for someone who:

*Makes it clear to all non-blood relatives that they are not important to her, and are not really part of the family. Unfortunately, this includes adopted children. She doesn't feel that her adopted grandchildren are really her grandchildren because they aren't biologically related to her. She has verbally stated this, and she excludes these kids from things, which is just heartbreaking.

*Who lies all the time. Also talks about everyone she knows behind their back. She spreads rumors and tries to cause problems between family members.

*Who is prejudiced against many groups of humans. Very closed-minded.

*Who thinks she is the only one who matters, and tries to control her adult children, their wives, and their children. Who is manipulative, and is resentful towards any family members who don't live close to her, or let her control every aspect of their lives.

*Who won't acknowledge anybody's special occasion (birthdays, milestones, graduations, special awards, holidays, etc...) but expects cards, gifts, and a lot of praise for herself for every occasion. She has stated to the whole family that she is 'more important' because she is 'THE MOTHER', as if nobody else matters at all. Not only will she not wish anybody a happy (insert holiday or occasion), she will never compliment anyone or express empathy for others. It's very strange, her lack of feelings. However, she expects everyone to do all of the above for her.

*Who is a hypocrite.

*Who told everyone she had cancer, and said she had surgery for it, but the entire story was fabricated to cover up a big lie.

*Who refuses to discuss any problems with anybody. Ever.

*Will not touch or eat any food that anyone else has made. If she is visiting your house, she will only eat there if she goes to the store and buys her own food and cooks it.

*Who knows a certain family member (a young child) has a life threatening allergy to a certain food, yet sends them that item for a gift.

*Who has no respect for anybody else.

*Who can't admit she has a long-term, serious drinking problem. She feels that since she goes to work everyday, and claims it doesn't affect her life, it can't be true (even though everyone else knows she's a 'functioning alcoholic')

*Who didn't care at all when one of her DS's wives was physically and emotionally abused by her DS. Broken bones, verbal and emotional abuse, and yet she didn't care at all because "she loves HER children unconditionally and will always be on their side". The poor wife...the MIL and some other members of that family wouldn't give her the time of day, and she was the victim 100%.

I could go on and on. As I said before, there are a lot of great women who are wonderful MIL's--and generally nice people all around. But, there are some very not-so-nice people out there and some of us ended up with one of these types for a MIL. I love my DH, and both of us have tried our best to be understanding about his DM, but there are limits to some things. My poor DH doesn't even get a phone call on his birthday from his parents. Thank God my parents make up for the way his parents treat him.

We have tried to hard with this woman. Every in her family has. She is very difficult to deal with, so we rarely visit anymore.

She doesn't need a respectful DIL, she needs a psychiatrist!! Definitly an exception to the case of just trying to get along and showing mutual respect. In some cases, like yours, that is just impossible and the best solution is to just stay away.

It sounds like its not just you that she doesn't get along with, she doesn't get along with anyone. In a case like that its not just MIL/DIL problems its something much, much deeper.

How awful it must be to be that lonely and that hateful to the world around you!

 

[Tinijocaro]

We have all seen threads on the DIS about daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law complaining or commenting about each other. In your experience, what is the reason that there is often animosity between MILs and DILs?

I think the mother/daughter relationship goes through a tough time in the teens, and finally when things get better (early 20's), a new woman comes on the scene and that whole mother/daughter things starts up again, until a few years have passed. I have always gotten along with my MIL, but in the beginning, I was suspicious.

 

[padams]

Really, how does this help? Do you enjoy just rubbing it in?

I have the MIL from he++ . The comments from people who love their MILs actually give me hope that I will get along with and be a great MIL to DSs' future wives. I understand not wanting to read their comments but I look at them as proof that not everyone has MIL/DIL issues. Those comments give me hope (and ok, I'm envious, too).

 

[Colleen27]

My MIL & I get along quite well for the most part, but what minor conflict there has been has simply stemmed from the fact that we are very, very different people and she sometimes takes issue with the way I run my household. Her home is really beautiful, like straight out of Better Homes & Gardens perfect, and she's a bit of a neat freak. I'm about the polar opposite; we bought a fixer-upper that's in a perpetual state of contruction, always some project in progress somewhere, and I'm not the most dilligent housekeeper (everything is clean, but clutter accumulates from time to time, the dining room often looks like a garment district sweatshop with all my sewing stuff all over the table, things like that). And she has a really hard time with the fact that we spend more of our extra time and money on traveling and activities with the kids than on getting the house "right" first. She thinks that, along with my less-than-attentive housekeeping standards, send a bad message to the kids about doing fun things before taking care of business.

Of course she doesn't really see how different DH is from his father, which complicates things. She thinks it is mostly me pushing for family vacations every year, zoo memberships, trips to the science center, etc. because that's how I grew up, and doesn't realize that DH's priorities as far as that goes are much closer to mine than hers. And she has a blind spot when it comes to his role in some of those unfinished projects; he's a contractor and we don't hire the work out for the sake of our budget, so if he's procrastinating there's only so much I can do! With FIL, on the other hand, if he puts something off MIL just calls DH or hires someone to do it.

 

[EMom]

One of the MANY reasons I love Georgia...

Because God knows every single person in the South is a racist bigot and there is a complete absence of them in the North.

Stereotype much?

 

[Cat0727]

Because God knows every single person in the South is a racist bigot and there is a complete absence of them in the North.

Stereotype much?

She didn't say every single person in the South was, though You overreacted, imo

 

[Wishing on a star]

I hate to continue to take this thread off-topic...

But, seriously...
I am from the south.
My in-laws are from the north... (retired down here)

Neither I, or anyone else that I really connect myself with personally have ever been racists bigots...

My inlaws, from the north.... the worst!!!!

PS: I do find any generalities, such as linking the South with 'racist bigots' to be wrong....

 

[SC Minnie]

My MIL and I got along fine. She lived 500 miles away and we only saw the ILs 2 or 3 times a year. She even told me once that I was doing a good job raising DD.

She also told me she didn't have time or energy to meddle in her kids lives. She had 7 kids and a life of her own- said she didn't have time to get up in everyones business . She hoped and prayed they made good choices and spouses and figured if her kids loved them they must be good people.

 

[AmongMadPeople]

Generally speaking, I agree with what a lot of people have said in this thread.

The only problems I have with my MIL (& FIL) are over how we raise our dogs. Yes, dogs. No fights, but more snarky comments than I'd care to hear. I can only wish upon a star that I don't have the same problem one day with children. Since my husband is one of two boys though, me and the other DIL are like the daughters she never had, so I really can't complain too much.

One of my friend's MIL doesn't realize or accept that her son cut the cord years ago. My BIL on the other hand, just never cut the cord.

My husband and I can both be grateful that we were both raised to be independent people, and neither of us need our parents to coddle us.