Why I'm terrified to sleep tonight (very, very long)

pigletz

Mouseketeer
Joined
Feb 19, 2006
Messages
350
I am terrified to go to sleep tonight. I had been dating this guy for a little over three years. We're both in our early thirties and highly educated. We're not technically together right now and are free to see other people. We never had a big fight or anything we just want different things. I want to get married (not necessarily to him) and he never wants to get married. We still talk several times a day and see each other a couple of times a week.
Anyways the scary part started at about 11 pm. I was over his house and some of our friends had just left. We we're about to go to sleep when he got a phone call. He left the room which he never does and then I heard him arguing with someone. It was obvious that whoever he was arguing with was a girl. Now I couldn't be that upset since as I said we're not together anymore. He eventually got off the phone and came back in the room. Of course I had to ask who he was talking to. All he said was never get involved with a black woman. Before you flame me, I should tell you that he is black and I'm white and those were his words not mine. So the phone rings again and he goes back to arguing. This time I could tell that part of the arguement was about me and was able to figure out that this was his ex girlfriend. He dated her for six years and they had been broken up for several months before we got together. I knew they had a turbulent relationship in the past and that it was her love of drama that broke them up. He and I are both pretty quiet people. So after they got off the phone he told me that they had been talking again and that he just wanted to be friends with her but she had misunderstood. I knew that they talked off and on since she was still good friends with his sisters but I didn't know that they had been talking again.
After we talked for a while I went downstairs to get a drink of water. It was then that I heard the car pull into the driveway. He came downstairs and told me to go upstairs since he wasn't sure what she was going to do. He refused to answer the door and she threatened to break his window. He came upstairs and called the police. While he was on the phone with the police she was outside screaming that she was going to smash the windows in his car and mine. Thankfully, when she realized he really had called the police she left. The police eventually showed up which ended up being slightly embarassing since the police officer was the father of a former student. We both teach in the same building and he lives in the district that we teach in so the officer knew both of us.
I ended up leaving after the police because I didn't want her coming back and smashing my windows but it wasn't until after I left that something he had said scared me to death. He told me that when we first started dating he and his girlfriend still shared a cell phone bill. She decided to check his calls on line one day and saw all of the phone calls to a number that she didn't recognize. She was able to click on the number and my name and address came up. So she knows where I live. Not only does she know where I live but since she works at a collection agency she was able to do some research and get a lot of information about me like where I went to college and my parents address. Someone who goes to that extent is definatly not stable and after tonights stunt she proved that. I'm worried about what she'll do next. Hopefully since it's been three years since she first looked up the information she doesn't still have it.
I really never expected anything like this to happen to me. I pretty much mind my business and don't cause problems for anyone. I see enough drama in the inner city school I teach at; I don't need to bring it home with me. It makes me so mad that we both have to go through this. He really doesn't deserve it either. Even though we won't end up together he really is a good guy. We've both been up front and honest with each other when we have dates with other people. In fact he's so good I lost several good friends because of him. Some of my girlfriends who are black won't speak to me anymore. Their arguement was that there are plenty of educated white men out there who have no criminal records, no babies, and no drug problems why did I have to steal one of theirs (again these are their words, not mine).
Sorry this was so long but I just had to get it out and I don't want to wake up anyone.
 
yikes...too much drama for me, even without the race issue.

Is his 'friendship' worth it when you guys will never wind up together?
 
I have to be honest with you here and I hope you don't think I'm being mean or rude. Take my advice from one friendly Dis'er to another.

You need to leave this guy, ASAP! I was amazed at this story you told and I can only see more heartbreak and serious trouble ahead for you. The ex girl friend sounds like she's a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift. Nothing good can come out of you being with this guy, even as friends. His ex isn't going to buy the "we're just friends" routine and will do something really stupid first the n think about her actions later. I know the type all to well, trust me on this. Be carefull and always watch your back and make sure you check your surroundings at all times. Good luck and be safe.
 
The race issue is totally irrelevant, because really this has nothing to do with race...people who thrive on drama come in all colors and backgrounds.

That said, I agree with walking away from the relationship with this guy. While he may say that the ex is into drama, obviously he is too or he would not have reconnected with her in any way, shape or form. I don't buy his story of "I told her I want to be friends and she misinterpreted the meaning".

My guess is that he resumed a sexual relationship with her and like most women, she is expecting some sort of commitment because of that. In my experience, when a man says he has been 'talking' again with an ex, he is doing more than talking.

Also, people do not continue to engage in communication with people they do not want to talk to. When she called, he kept talking to her. (and the fact that he left the room to do so is a huge red flag that he is not being totally honest with you...or her) There is a part of him that enjoys this and if you really want to avoid drama like that, you have to avoid people who engage in drama like that. It's really that simple.

Good luck with it. I would walk away, you will thank yourself for it one day.
 

I agree with disneyfan67 and poohandwendy regarding walking away from any relationship with this guy. His ex seems like she'll always be a drama queen.

Do what's best for you and be safe!
 
If you want things to change, you have to make changes. One of them is to not see this guy, ever again.
The fact that you are "terrified" to go to sleep should be your wake up call. From your post it sounds as if you had many, many, many, red flags from this guy and ignored them.
 
I think poohandwendy hit the nail on the head. For your own safety, I think you are better off ending things with him. And I think you'd be perfectly justified in using this incident as your reason. And it may not hurt to contact the responding officer again. Tell him what you just told us about the research she's done on you and ask him if there are any ways that you can protect yourself from her.
 
Time to move on, especially since you never intend to end up with this guy. He may not do drugs, have babies, or be a criminal but he's still got lots of baggage IMHO with the crazy ex-girlfriend (it appears he is leading her on, btw, because it surely looks like he's sleeping with her).
 
If he never wants to get married and you do, you have to let go of him. Otherwise you are just keeping yourself from men who will give you everything you need. Stop wasting time.
 
I have never heard of the internet being able to provide an address from a CELL phone number.
If you go to reverse telephone look up or ANYWHO both of these sites say "cell phone information is unavailable"
He must have given the info to this ex girlfriend.
 
ChristmasElf said:
I have never heard of the internet being able to provide an address from a CELL phone number.
If you go to reverse telephone look up or ANYWHO both of these sites say "cell phone information is unavailable"
He must have given the info to this ex girlfriend.


READ the post. The crazy ex got the OP's home phone number OFF of the cell phone she shared with the guy and was able to look up the OP's address (presumably with a reverse look up). The OP never said that the address was obtained with a cell phone number.

Regardless, OP you gotta get away from thsi guy and his drama now. Cut the cord and run for your life.
 
It sounds like you like drama. If you didn't, you wouldn't have to post for advice. You'd dump the guy and be done with it.
 
So your "friendship" includes sleepovers, but you are "not really together" and both see others. IMHO it is time to competely sever all ties and move on. How do you really know he and his ex are not involved again. There also is the concern about stuff you could catch from the other person. You want to get married so go look in places where you will find men who want to get married.
 
Ok first off thank you to those who offered support and advice. After reading through my original post there are a few things that I didn't quite make clear that I probably should have. First of all with the "sleepovers". This guy and I have not had a sexual relationship for some time now. I made that very clear when we decided that our relationship was not going to last and that we would look elsewhere. I do occasionally spend the night at his house and he does the same at mine but in seperate beds. When he first got the phone call we happened to be watching a movie in the same room. We truly are just friends. I am ok with him seeing anyone he wants and that included his exgirlfriend until last night (I really hope he finds someone not so crazy). I have no romantic feelings for him anymore and am actively looking for someone else. If he did restart his relationship with her, I can completely understand her feelings just not her actions. I never would have spent the night at his house no matter how innocent it was if he was serously dating someone. I know I'm still coming across as incredibly naive but there's no real way to accuratly explain the situation here. I just wanted to clear up a few things.
I was absolutely not looking for drama. I was scared, it was late and I wanted to vent to people who in the past had been very nice to me. I never actually asked for advice although I appreciate the advice that was given.
 
Edit-Your right...you didnt ask for advice.

Just please be safe.
 
Piglet: Seeing as there is nothing going on between you two and you are intending on seeing other people BUT you like him as a friend, we all understand that BUT I think for the time being...next several weeks you and your friend should only communicate online or on the phone. Do not be together at all. This ex of his sounds like she is a little looney. Love does crazy things to people. He is telling YOU that she mis-heard him about THEM having a relationship....??? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? He is probably telling YOU one thing and the EX another thing.
Now I am not saying DROP HIM completely as a friend in your life BUT maybe FOR NOW until things settle down. I have a ton of good friends in my life that I see ONCE A MONTH. We talk online or the phone but only manage to get together once a month. Before your car is destroyed or rocks are coming through your house windows....basically....COOL IT!

Good Luck. Keep us updated!
 
:grouphug:
This is just crazy! Why put yourself through this?
I realize from your post that you are just friends but you are really "setting yourself up" for disaster.
You may know what is going on and he may know what is going on but obviously crazy lady doesn't and is out on her own personal vendetta!
If harrassment from her continues, contact the police.
My only advice would be to run, not walk away from this situation
 
I didn't see the part that said she had sex with him. I also didn't see the part where she was asking about what to do with the guy and the relationship. :confused3

I did see the part where she said she was scared this woman was going to do something to harm her or her property which apparently no one else read. If the woman keeps making threats, i.e. breaking your windows or worse, I would file a complaint with the police dept. and get an order of protection.
 

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