Why Do Women Put Up With This??

[luvsJack]

I was so angry last night, I could have strangled someone!!

DD came to me upset after a phone call from her bff. The bff's mom's boyfriend HIT her mom! Her mom has been really sick all week. The kind of work the mom does slacks off a lot this time of year anyway and now she isn't working at all this week, so money problems are big. The boyfriend only has a job that equals a few hours a week, so not really contributing anything to the household and then he HITS HER!!

I have no clue what they were fighting about nor do I care, but what a low life to hit the woman that supports your sorry self while she is so sick she can't even get out of bed!

Then he tells the daughter (dd's bff) that if he leaves he is taking the horses--HER horses, (the bff's). So, he upset her even more.

I mean, you know, I love my dh but if he did everything this guy did last night--he would be out on his ear this morning.

This woman works hard for every dime she gets, she totally supports her dd and herself. She has never been married and never had a two income household. I just don't get why she would put up with this kind of stuff from a man like that.

 

[happygirl]

I was so angry last night, I could have strangled someone!!

DD came to me upset after a phone call from her bff. The bff's mom's boyfriend HIT her mom! Her mom has been really sick all week. The kind of work the mom does slacks off a lot this time of year anyway and now she isn't working at all this week, so money problems are big. The boyfriend only has a job that equals a few hours a week, so not really contributing anything to the household and then he HITS HER!!

I have no clue what they were fighting about nor do I care, but what a low life to hit the woman that supports your sorry self while she is so sick she can't even get out of bed!

Then he tells the daughter (dd's bff) that if he leaves he is taking the horses--HER horses, (the bff's). So, he upset her even more.

I mean, you know, I love my dh but if he did everything this guy did last night--he would be out on his ear this morning.

This woman works hard for every dime she gets, she totally supports her dd and herself. She has never been married and never had a two income household. I just don't get why she would put up with this kind of stuff from a man like that.[/QUOTE


I feel for her, If she stays with him she teaching her daughter that is okay for a man to treat her like that

 

[pyrxtc]

Mom doesn't have to report the domestic battery, the DD can report it too and ask for a him to have to leave, that she is afraid for her life.

 

[okeydokey]

Maybe she feels that he is the best she will ever get. Maybe she is so beat down by life, she hasn't the energy or pride to care anymore. Women who stay in abusive relationships are afraid and often depressed. It's sad.

 

[luvsJack]

Mom doesn't have to report the domestic battery, the DD can report it too and ask for a him to have to leave, that she is afraid for her life.

I think I will tell dd to tell the girl this, I was so worried about her last night. Dd kept her on the phone until things seeminly had settled down, I think maybe he went outside or something.

Maybe she feels that he is the best she will ever get. Maybe she is so beat down by life, she hasn't the energy or pride to care anymore. Women who stay in abusive relationships are afraid and often depressed. It's sad.

It really is sad. This woman doesn't seem to realize that she doesn't need him for anything--she is doing it all herself. I think she feels "incomplete" when there isn't a man in her life, doesn't matter who he is or how bad, just so long as he is there.

 

[hereyago]

There are a myriad of reasons why women put up with it:
They try to rationalize why the guy did it"he's under stress, I must have pushed him too far"
Maybe my love and caring can help change him to not do that again.
This is one of my favorite's my former friend told me after her live in baby's daddy hit her, hit her DD(sorry he would have been dead after that, just sayin..) that she wanted to make sure she did everything she could so she wouldn't think SHE failed in a relationship. WTH?!

It comes down to low self esteem, low self worth.

DD's former friend, who I was friend with her mom actually started to "learn" his behaviors. The mom kicked him out twice and now he's back, good job, idiot! It's one thing if you choose to live like that, but when you have kids, sorry, I have no sympathy.

My DD wasn't allowed to play at her friends house so the girl would come over here to play. One time her mom called and say J is really acting up , so I thought she was calling to see if her DD could stay longer. So i said, ok K can stay longer it's all good. SHe was like "No, I want her to come home so that way if he does something to me, she can call 911" Color me dumbfounded, you want your dd to see you beat and her be there with you so she can call the cops when he has hit her before? Yea, just go ahead and let someone else take care of your kids. that was crazy.

 

[manning]

That is sad. All I can say is if I was in the house at the time and saw it....the boyfriend would be lucky to be able to crawl out the front door.

Some professional help is needed there quick!!!

 

[Jey12]

Sometimes it's just low self esteem that women put up with this. Other times the men are real sweet talkers and almost brain wash perfectly good women. They start out kind and then something little happens and the man blames the woman, she thinks it's really not a big deal so I'll take the blame. Then the instances increase and he blames her, she agrees to it and pretty soon she just knows it's her fault. If she could only remember not to do those things, and she doesn't know why she pushes him when he's in a mood like that, and well we've all heard them and the list of reasons goes on and on.

As for women with kids I never could understand how the let this go on, until I watched a friend of mine go down this road. He BF did all of the tricks to get her into fully believing that it was her fault and if she'd do things just a bit better there wouldn't be any problems. Then of course he'd reward her with wonderful things when she was "behaving" correctly. After he had her won over with his wonderful personality he finally laid his hands on her son. I didn't know any of this until a few instances later. Anyway she finally sought help and got away from this scumbag. I couldn't help it, I had to ask her why? Why would you stay with someone who hit your son? She told me that by the point in the relationship she honestly believed that her actions could prevent or cause the violence. So when her son was first struck by her BF she honestly thought it was her fault. Her way of protecting her son was to do better. I don't think it's possible for someone to really figure out why. It's not going to make sense in a rational person's head. All you can do is do what you think is best. If you feel the young girl is in danger at least call and talk to someone. If you have a good relationship with the mother try to talk with her yourself. Just be aware that any little thing could cause her to be fearful and she'll cut off contact with you in fear of what the BF will do.

If the mother isn't doing something and the DD of hers is fearful for her safety IMO you have to do what's right and call the authorities yourself. Also keep in mind that verbal abuse (like threatening to take away horses) is just as abusive as physical.

 

[kellyg403]

Maybe she feels that he is the best she will ever get. Maybe she is so beat down by life, she hasn't the energy or pride to care anymore. Women who stay in abusive relationships are afraid and often depressed. It's sad.

Agreed.

I also agree that the dd can call 911 if her mom won't and she is scared. Take the time to maybe discuss with your dd, since she is the girls bff, that people can threaten you to scare you because that is the kind of people they are. And really, while it would be sad to lose the horses, if they are hers and her mom's he really can't do that. So, basically when someone is threatening you with something, really think about how to break down the threat. If she lost the horses she would be sad, but they are replaceable. If he took the horses he could go to jail for stealing someone's property. Sometimes its easier to 'teach' them to realize the threats are really not so threatening/scary when you break them down.

Kelly

 

[dmslush]

Instead of asking, "Why do some women put up with this" why aren't you asking, "How dare a man even think he can do this?"

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

 

[luvsJack]

I am picking dd and her friend up from practice this afternoon, I think I will talk to her some about it, that she can call 911 if she thinks she needs to and make sure she knows she can always call us if she needs us.

 

[furb & dez]

Instead of asking, "Why do some women put up with this" why aren't you asking, "How dare a man even think he can do this?"

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

I'd love to see your response if it was a woman hitting a man.

As to "why do some women put up with this," my best guess is that they are messes that shouldn't be in any relationships at all. But try explaining that to a society that teaches women that they aren't worth anything except as a wife/mother.

 

[hereyago]

Instead of asking, "Why do some women put up with this" why aren't you asking, "How dare a man even think he can do this?"

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

But it takes 2 to play this game, just like it takes 2 if one partner cheats, 1 partner is verbally abusive or oif 1 partner is just a donkey;s behind all along with the partner who will put up with it.

They do it because they know THEY can, that the other person for whatever reason will put up with it.

My mom tried to break my DF's fingers one time, however he put up with alot of her crap until he died. so yes, it takes 2.

As for accountability: most often the victim will not want to press chargers or if charges are pressed, the victim will still stand by that person and after they get out, the cycle begins again.

 

[bumbershoot]

People accepting violence from a partner do it for probably as many reasons as there are people. My mom stayed b/c she saw no way out. They were already broker than broke, and my dad looked like James Dean and could/can be quite charming when he chooses to. (this charm has lost most of its luster now, as he looks too much like Neal Young and Gary Busey on his craziest days, but I've seen him bring it out to strangers even now) My dad would lose control, then sweet talk her like crazy and worm his way back into her graces. Years later, she could not listen to certain songs like Charlie Rich's "Most Beautiful Girl", because he would play them for her while making up with her.

She stayed long enough after the violence started (they married as teenagers, but the violence didn't start then, though his brothers and sister ALWAYS knew he was "off", and have always been on our side vs his b/c they knew something was going to happen) to have me and my brother, then had enough by the time my mom was 29. But still he showed up, scaring us... (And still the cops did nothing, referring to something I mentioned below, and have mentioned before on the Dis in other threads.) It really only stopped when he realized she was protected by friends, and once he met the woman who is now my stepmom (who loved Neal Young, which is why she stays with him, I believe...)

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

Why not start with the phrase at least two people have now used?

What's the difference between "domestic violence" and "just plain violence"? Why not ELIMINATE the "domestic" part of that? Why are there separate charges?

If hubby's brother comes over and punches me, it's violence; but if hubby were to do it, it's "domestic" violence? I don't think so.

YES there are some people who will choose to not press charges, but that wouldn't be any different if it's called "domestic" or not. There are also cops who will ignore pleas from the beaten one (like the fabulous San Jose CA cops who repeatedly went "good old boy" with my dad, when called to the house by my mom or neighbors, despite the fact that my mom WANTED to press charges), and that probably wouldn't change.

But the very core of the perception of it WOULD, if we called it what it IS, and that is violence, pure and simple.

To me, anyone who uses the term "domestic violence" is perpetuating the core problems with it.

But try explaining that to a society that teaches women that they aren't worth anything except as a wife/mother.

Wondering what society that is, b/c I grew up in America, born in 1969, and I've always known that the world was my oyster. (thank goodness my mom left my dad early and I basically never lived with him...watching the bizarre family dynamic with my dad's second family makes me SO glad she left earlier rather than later.)

 

[Andtototoo]

In addition to the above-named reasons, I think another reason why women put up with it is that they saw it growing up in their own homes and think it's normal.

I've experienced that several times in my own life with women who you would be SHOCKED allowed the abuse to go on. Strong, seemingly-independent women, with everything going for them who nonetheless chose/allowed abusive men in their lives. In all but one case, when you talked with them, you learned that their fathers treated their mothers just like that and they truly believed that ALL families are like that, but that some just hide it better. I still remember when I worked at an ivy league university and when I expressed concern about a bruise on my colleague's neck, that she said, "Well, when your husband puts his hands around your throat" and I just about fell over from shock. She insisted that my dh HAD to behave like that "because all men do".

In the one out of the ordinary case, the woman married a man from another country (the US), moved here, gave up her job when they had a child, and bit by bit he isolated her more and more and THEN when he'd successfully cut her off from co-workers, church people, her moms' group, and her book group, only then did he start to physically abuse her. She basically knew no one except her ILS and when she asked them for help, they blamed her for not being "good" and told her that if she were "good", then their son wouldn't "have" to hit her. She was so isolated and dependent that she believed them.

Finally, one "reason" I've seen accepted is that "he only hits me when he's drunk." That "reason" is widely considered absolutely acceptable because "it's not really him, it's the drink." I recently saw this up close and personal and the number and type of people who accepted a man's violent behavior when he was drunk absolutely stunned me. I and one other person were the only people who expressed any negativity towards him and we ended up being the ones being condemned for being "uptight".

 

[luvsJack]

Instead of asking, "Why do some women put up with this" why aren't you asking, "How dare a man even think he can do this?"

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

Oh, believe me, I said plenty of things last night about "how dare he even try such a thing" and "who does he think he is".

I asked it the way I did because very simply, there is no way in hades he would be in my house today. I, very simply, "would not put up with it".

I don't blame her at all, I just don't understand why she allows it to happen. I don't wonder why she doesn't leave, but I do wonder why she doesn't throw him out on his ear.

He should be held accountable for his actions. But if she won't call 911 or press charges, or at the very least, remove him from her home; how can he be?

 

[pixiewings71]

I think next time my DD's friend called and her Mom's BF was hitting her I would call 911 and report it......kids are often afraid to make that call because they are afraid of repurcussions. And yes, many people stay because it's what they grew up. My Mother was abused by my Father, my first relationship was highly abusive because I thought that was "normal". Now I know better and stand up for myself.

 

[Robinrs]

Instead of asking, "Why do some women put up with this" why aren't you asking, "How dare a man even think he can do this?"

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

Man, I was wondering the same thing...

A-holes will always find a woman with low enough self esteem to need them, the problem is the a-h, not just the women who love them.

 

[Maddies Mama]

Hitting someone is not OK unless it's out of self defense. If the mom's BF has hit her once, he's probably hit her before or will hit her again. I hope that mom & DD will get away from this man. Kinda random but along these same lines - I saw a scary situation yesterday. I was sitting at a stoplight and out of the corner of my eye saw a flurry of activity in the cab of the truck behind me. I looked up to find a man beating the crap out of a woman. Like full on both fists going at her with all he had. She was curled up in fetal position as far on the passenger side as she could get and trying to protect her head with her arms. It's been haunting me ever since and I can't stop thinking about her and wondering if she's OK. (I immediately called 911 - this was not the first call they'd received and they said the police were en route and verified my location to make sure the police were still on the right track.) I keep wondering why she didn't just get out of the truck and run into the shopping center. I like to think that's what I'd have done, but I've never been in that position to know for sure. My heart goes out to her to find the strength to get away from this man, whatever her relationship with him may be.

 

[cornflake]

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Instead of asking, "Why do some women put up with this" why aren't you asking, "How dare a man even think he can do this?"

Domestic violence will not get better until we stop wondering why the victims won't leave and start wondering why we, as a society, don't hold these men more accountable for their actions.

I know what you mean but I don't think it's so much victim blaming as that most people agree that men do it because they're.... <insert bad word here>. They're violent, they have problems, etc.

Why women put up with it tends to be a more controversial question with fewer simple answers.