Why Do Some People Find Daycare a Negative?

[mickeysgal]

Especially these days. People die, people divorce, and people lose jobs. Being smug doesn't prevent any of those things from happening.
Thought it might be interesting to see how many who suddenly find themselves single without any income coming in would "choose" to either dump their kids so they can find work or "choose" to go on welfare.

And when it happens to you (the collective you), all of a sudden it's amazing how fast child-care view change. When it's between no income or work, then having someone else take care of the kids while you put food on the table, keeping the lights on , and keeping the house from going into foreclosure becomes a necessary reality. And you know what? The kids will be fine. Really. You're still their parent and will continue to parent them into a fine upstanding human being even if you're not with them 24/7.

 

[AustinTink]

With that varied experience as a momma, let me tell you you can have a good daycare experience or a bad one, and sorry to say, a good vs bad SAHM experience too.

Now I am sure all the SAHMs here are super moms and do no wrong. But I am not perfect.

As a SAHM we had great enriching days yes, but we also had days when we never left the house. My kids would be expected to entertain themselves (or gasp! watch TV) while I did housework. They ran mundane errands, and sitting in the shopping cart was not all that exciting thankyouverymuch.

As a preschool teacher, there were NO CHORES! We had to clean up our own messes, but food was prepared by other staff, cleaning was done by the cleaning crew at night. We could (and did) spend our hours learning, playing, interacting, 100% child centered. I'm sorry but (for me) that wasn't possible as a SAHM to do day in-day out.

As a daytime employee of Target, I see my fellow SAHMs drag their toddlers in... Pleading for them to sit still, not run around, no you can't have that toy (even though they let them chew on it... ewww) Screames, screeches, melt downs hissy fits. Kids are over-tired, bored, even if mommy is *trying* to make it a learning experience. Let's face it, mom is just trying to get through the day. Tomorrow might be some great playdate, paint, extravaganza but a SAHM can't keep that up every minute every day. The shopping has to get done, the laundry has to get washed, the floor has to be mopped.

Anyway, daycare has it's positives too. As a daycare teacher I was free to spend 8 hours of my day in fun. The same can't be said for every day as a SAHM.

I wasn't going to jump into this discussion. I know there is a line drawn in the sand and it will always be there. But, these bolded parts got me. I'm a stay-home mom. I never did housework while my son was awake. I didn't drag him screaming to the store. In fact, he has never screamed, but that's a different thread altogether.

I hate the perceived notion that SAHMs sit around the house all day eating bonbons while there kid is parked in front of the TV. Our day was filled with park, pool, friends, museums, nature walks.... every day. My only job was to teach my son. My job, my responsibility. The vacuuming could wait.

I don't lump working moms and their kids into any category. I have amazing nieces and nephews who were in daycare as kids and now live incredibly successful adult lives. So, please give us SAHMs a break. Can't we all just get along?

Sorry, I chose your post to quote. I think my response has been building as I read.

 

[MrsPete]

Why the need to call it "dumping kids in daycare" three times? I think you have made your point on how you feel about daycare. You really don't have to repeat yourself anymore. It is old.

It's an attempt to sway people's opinions by using emotional words, but it has the opposite effect.

And yes, my friends kid is not ready to go to Kindergarten because he stayed home with his mom. She does absolutely nothing with him. If he was at least allowed to watch tv, he'd have learned something from Sesame Street.

Yeah, I know a 4-year old whose mom isn't doing ANYTHING with him; well, not unless letting him watch TV all day and feeding him fried food from Bojangles is "doing something". He doesn't speak as well as his 18-month old cousin, and he will enter kindergarten exceedingly unprepared. In all honesty, I suspect he has some real problems -- problems that would've been there even if he had been raised in an enriched environment, but this poor child's preschool years are slipping by and his best chances are disappearing. Whether it's day care or his mom, SOMEONE needs to work with him. Anyway, these kids are out there, and I have NO respect for a mom who loves to talk about how she stays home for the kids, yet ignores the kids all day.

But I also don't think that family is a typical situation.

When my DS was about 2 he did go thru a stage where if I left he cried.

Yeah, that's a normal stage, but it doesn't mean that the child cried all day long. My girls had a bad day here and there at daycare (and a bad day here and there at home), but overall day care was a great experience for them

 

[Laura]

I wasn't going to jump into this discussion. I know there is a line drawn in the sand and it will always be there. But, these bolded parts got me. I'm a stay-home mom. I never did housework while my son was awake. I didn't drag him screaming to the store. In fact, he has never screamed, but that's a different thread altogether.

I hate the perceived notion that SAHMs sit around the house all day eating bonbons while there kid is parked in front of the TV. Our day was filled with park, pool, friends, museums, nature walks.... every day. My only job was to teach my son. My job, my responsibility. The vacuuming could wait.

I don't lump working moms and their kids into any category. I have amazing nieces and nephews who were in daycare as kids and now live incredibly successful adult lives. So, please give us SAHMs a break. Can't we all just get along?

Sorry, I chose your post to quote. I think my response has been building as I read.

Maybe you don't do housework while your kid is awake, but plenty of stay-at-home parents do. And lots of them don't do all the cool stuff with their kids that you do. It's not like that's necessarily bad, though. There are different levels--like there are good and bad daycares, there are good and bad stay-at-home parents, with all kinds of levels in between. My SIL is, unfortunately, the epitome of the stereotypical lazy housewife. She hardly takes notice of her children, and spends all day on the computer writing fanfiction and talking to her internet friends. Her house is a mess and both kids are in school now--so she has the time to clean. She just makes her husband do it after he's worked all day. Really pathetic. I often wonder if she has some kind of depression thing going on. If not, she has no excuse. She's just a pitiful excuse for a mother.

We also do housework while DD is asleep, for the most part. Or at least when we're both home and one of us is watching her. Sometimes we'll cook in the kitchen and DD will be in there with us emptying a drawer or two.

And I totally agree--why can't we all just get along? Who cares if a parent stays at home or not? It's not my business what anyone else does, and it's not anyone else's business what I do. I see no need to be a sanctimonious you-know-what because I do X and someone else does Y.

 

[Laura]

Yeah, that's a normal stage, but it doesn't mean that the child cried all day long. My girls had a bad day here and there at daycare (and a bad day here and there at home), but overall day care was a great experience for them

My DD went through a crying stage (separation anxiety and all that). And it wasn't just at daycare. She would cry at home if I went upstairs for a minute. She's gotten over it now.

 

[Anjelica]

The point I'm making is a basic underlying family love and ethical balance follows a child wherever he goes. Just because he's home with a parent doesn't mean that the parent is the best choice to train the child. Very poor people on assistance are home with their kids, too, that doesn't necessarily mean that the home situation is middle American and perfect. I personally know people raising children who had NO business being around a child!! I've been blessed in the fact that I've always had amazingly good daycare for my son, also, which can be hard to find.

Very well said. My children knew I loved them regardless if I stayed at home with them or when they were in daycare.

The question was asked "Why do some people find daycare a negative" and I answered because I don't understand how people can have children and dump them in daycare 10+ hours a day-simple question, simple answer. It wasn't a matter of what worked best for DH and I but what works best for the KIDS.

See below - I agree that "dump" is a very "loaded" word.

Once the word "dump" is used, it becomes so much more than an opinion. It becomes a judgement on the motivations/attitudes of the parents who either choose or must use daycare. I mean, really? What percentage of parents "dump" their kids. Dump? Such a nasty term. The other judgemental "opinion" is that of some who think that people choose a Lexus over their children. Yeah, I guess there are a few working people who do that--probably the same ratio as the bon-bon eating stay-at-homes.

So, the thread didn't overly stay on course by listing negatives of day care institutions, per se. It became target practice for those who think people who use day care don't really love or want their children enough.

I'm a firm believer in doing what is right for your family and no one should make you feel bad for your decisions. My gammit of friends range from SAHM, to part time SAHM/workers to full time workers. They all made different choices and I fully support those decisions. I also believe all of those children will turn out to be great and nurturing adults.

 

[descovy]

Maybe you don't do housework while your kid is awake, but plenty of stay-at-home parents do. And lots of them don't do all the cool stuff with their kids that you do. It's not like that's necessarily bad, though. There are different levels--like there are good and bad daycares, there are good and bad stay-at-home parents, with all kinds of levels in between. My SIL is, unfortunately, the epitome of the stereotypical lazy housewife. She hardly takes notice of her children, and spends all day on the computer writing fanfiction and talking to her internet friends. Her house is a mess and both kids are in school now--so she has the time to clean. She just makes her husband do it after he's worked all day. Really pathetic. I often wonder if she has some kind of depression thing going on. If not, she has no excuse. She's just a pitiful excuse for a mother.

We also do housework while DD is asleep, for the most part. Or at least when we're both home and one of us is watching her. Sometimes we'll cook in the kitchen and DD will be in there with us emptying a drawer or two.

And I totally agree--why can't we all just get along? Who cares if a parent stays at home or not? It's not my business what anyone else does, and it's not anyone else's business what I do. I see no need to be a sanctimonious you-know-what because I do X and someone else does Y.

glad some of you can get your housework done when your kid(s) are asleep... and that they never have to go on boring errands. Do you all have more than one child?

Like I said, I know there are those of you better at this SAHM thing than me. But 3 kids grow and don't nap enough!!!

I just can't do it, sorry my 3kids don't nap... when they did, they were on different schedules as they are different ages. I could do chores when they sleep at night, but I need my sleep too... There's 3 of them and one of me. Not every day is full of excitement.

I was simply pointing out the reality, that for many of us SAHMs it isn't puzzles and paint and pools and zoos every day. Obviously some of you are the exception
Kudos to you for doing a wonderful job!

 

[Colleen27]

I have a negative opinion of daycare in general because high quality programs are sadly not the norm, at least in the places I've lived. For every wonderful, home-like environment that exceeds the state standards for caregiver-child ratios, nutrition, and other minimums, there are a half dozen doing just what they have to in order to keep their license, with high turnover of low-wage workers.

I don't feel that a child gets the appropriate level of interaction when there is one caregiver for 4 infants or for 8 toddlers, and generally speaking I don't think it is a positive for a child to be entrusted to a non-parental caregiver for the majority of his/her waking hours from a very early age.

 

[Dictator]

I bet the kids of stay at home parents dream about the instances when their parents aren't in the house.

 

[Colleen27]

Most importantly, their mom hasn't been locked up in the loony bin yet, which I can assure you would have happened had I stayed at home with them. I recall being on maternity leave with my second and going to the mall playground so my oldest could play for a while. There was an intense conversation going on about the color and odor of baby poop...it involved quite the debate and went on for over a half an hour. I felt my brain cells melting away and began looking for a hot poker to stick in my eye. I am just SO not the at home mom type. I think mommy being happy is an essential ingredient to the kids being happy.

If that's what being a SAHM was like, I'd have lost it years ago. But aside from a few really obsessive first time moms, I've never encountered that level of.. um... dedication? Most of my SAHM friends are like me - educated, opinionated women who get together to enjoy conversation that isn't all about the littles.

 

[Colleen27]

I kept marveling about post after post in this thread where there was no mention of a husband. Surely it can't be that every poster here is a single mother or in a lesbian relationship where there are two mothers. So where do the fathers come in? Why are there so few SAHDs compared to SAHMs?

Well, men do generally out-earn women. All else equal it makes more sense to give up the lower paying job. And at risk of sounding sexist, I don't think men are as inclined to want to be home with very young children; they're not biologically programmed to be nurturers the way women are. Plus there's the issue of breastfeeding, if that is important to the couple. I've yet to meet the man that could handle that aspect of caring for a baby.

I do think a lot of men leave the raising of the kids to their wives. We see it a lot with DH's professional friends/acquaintances - they work long hours and feel that paying the bills and attending special events is pretty much the extent of their fatherly role. My husband gets a fair bit of teasing from the other guys because he's just the opposite - he started his own company primarily because he can make the same money in 3-4 days that he was earning in 6 day, 60+ hour work weeks for his last employer, and he felt like on that old schedule he wasn't available enough to the kids. So he basically works part time now, closer to full time over the summer and closer to not at all during the winter (he's in construction), and has his office at home.

 

[Colleen27]

So for those who say kids shouldn't be with "strangers" for more of the day than their own parents, do you home school? Just wondering, because my 4-5 year olds are with me from 8:20-3:30, which is 7 hours, more waking hours than they are at home. Or does this change once kids are in "real" school?

I think there's a natural progression by which kids learn independence as they get older, and that at some point it becomes more desirable to encourage them to interact with others. What is ideal for a 5 year old in terms of social situations is no more comparable to what is ideal for an infant than driving and dating are to the abilities of those 4 and 5 year olds.

 

[jodifla]

I have a negative opinion of daycare in general because high quality programs are sadly not the norm, at least in the places I've lived. For every wonderful, home-like environment that exceeds the state standards for caregiver-child ratios, nutrition, and other minimums, there are a half dozen doing just what they have to in order to keep their license, with high turnover of low-wage workers.

I don't feel that a child gets the appropriate level of interaction when there is one caregiver for 4 infants or for 8 toddlers, and generally speaking I don't think it is a positive for a child to be entrusted to a non-parental caregiver for the majority of his/her waking hours from a very early age.

I'm not sure how it is in Michigan, but it seemed relatively easy to find high-quality programs in South Florida. My friends who had even infants go into daycare were happy with the programs.

I saw several I thought would work for my son, but as I said, we decided to keep him home with Dad and Grandpa. Now, Grandpa could do relatively well with and infant and toddler, but once DS started to approach 2, we all thought it was time for him to get out of the house a bit and be able to spend time with other children.

But look how the daggers came out on this thread when I said we sent DS to day care for 3 hours a day!! It's amazing to me.

 

[Colleen27]

Graduated college, in most cases also grad school, med school or law school, are doing well in their careers, are doing well financially, have traveled extensively, and are in happy, loving relationships.

That's a really specific, exclusionary standard for success that by definition pretty much rules out anyone who would choose the "mommy track". I consider myself fairly successful; at 30 I've helped my husband to build a small family business that keeps the bills paid and lets us travel a bit, we own our home outright, we spend most of our time doing the things we enjoy, and most importantly, we both have ample time with our kids. All that without a 4 year degree between us, much less grad school.

 

[blanq]

My DS was born premature, with lung and other problems. We were given strict instructions to keep him out of daycare until he was at least two. My DH has always worked a crazy schedule (12 hours per day and shift work to boot). Even though I work FT, we never needed FT care for our DS. My mom stepped up (I will owe her forever) and watched our DS a couple days a week for us. At 2 1/2 he was ready for more stimulation and we put him into a Montessori school 2 to 3 days per week. He is an only child, and I feel that his Montessori experience really helped with socialization (he had to learn to share, for example) and made the transition to Kindergarten easier. I don't regret our decision. We now have a healthy, happy, well-adjusted 17 y.o. I don't think he is any worse for wear for being in daycare.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Very well said. My children knew I loved them regardless if I stayed at home with them or when they were in daycare.



See below - I agree that "dump" is a very "loaded" word.


I'm a firm believer in doing what is right for your family and no one should make you feel bad for your decisions. My gammit of friends range from SAHM, to part time SAHM/workers to full time workers. They all made different choices and I fully support those decisions. I also believe all of those children will turn out to be great and nurturing adults.

 

[SaraJayne]

Graduated college, in most cases also grad school, med school or law school, are doing well in their careers, are doing well financially, have traveled extensively, and are in happy, loving relationships.

Gosh, what does that make me? I was raised by a SAHM and I'm all those things.

Oops, scratch that, I'm a SAHM.

 

[Robinrs]

I kept marveling about post after post in this thread where there was no mention of a husband. Surely it can't be that every poster here is a single mother or in a lesbian relationship where there are two mothers. So where do the fathers come in? Why are there so few SAHDs compared to SAHMs?

If (some) people feel that leaving their kids in another person's care for 8-10 hours a day is letting another person raise them, then it would follow that all of the dads who work 8-10 hours while their wives are SAHMs aren't raising their kids, no? One poster couldn't understand why people would have kids only to "dump them" at daycare for 8-10 hours--well why did your husband have kids only to "dump them" on you as a SAHM for 8-10 hours a day? (I was raised by a SAHM and I saw my father no more than I would have had I been in daycare. In fact, I probably saw him *less* than I would have had I been in daycare since with my mom not working he regularly had to work significantly more than 40 hours a week.)

Well, men do generally out-earn women. All else equal it makes more sense to give up the lower paying job. And at risk of sounding sexist, I don't think men are as inclined to want to be home with very young children; they're not biologically programmed to be nurturers the way women are. Plus there's the issue of breastfeeding, if that is important to the couple. I've yet to meet the man that could handle that aspect of caring for a baby.

I do think a lot of men leave the raising of the kids to their wives. We see it a lot with DH's professional friends/acquaintances - they work long hours and feel that paying the bills and attending special events is pretty much the extent of their fatherly role.

My boss' husband is a SAHD. She made the most money in the family and they had children late in life so he made the decision to stay home with them.

What amazes me is that now they're 2 and 5, one's in school and the baby is in DAYCARE!

 

[Colleen27]

I'm not sure how it is in Michigan, but it seemed relatively easy to find high-quality programs in South Florida. My friends who had even infants go into daycare were happy with the programs.

I saw several I thought would work for my son, but as I said, we decided to keep him home with Dad and Grandpa. Now, Grandpa could do relatively well with and infant and toddler, but once DS started to approach 2, we all thought it was time for him to get out of the house a bit and be able to spend time with other children.

But look how the daggers came out on this thread when I said we sent DS to day care for 3 hours a day!! It's amazing to me.

I was single and in college when my oldest was born so I needed to find daycare ASAP, and I was absolutely appalled at a lot of the daycares I checked into while I was pregnant.

I went to a very high quality program myself as a baby/toddler but they're over $200/week now. More affordable programs, at least back then in a better economy, tended to be staffed by teenagers who didn't seem terribly interested in the kids, and I was very disappointed with every center that I could realistically hope to afford. Ultimately I worked something out with a cousin who was/is a SAHM because I just couldn't find decent infant care that wouldn't break me.

My negativity about daycare is really negativity about full time care for infants and to a lesser degree young toddlers. A baby doesn't benefit by being in a group care setting rather than in the individualized care of a parent; a two year old, on the other hand, does get something out of the experience of being with other children in a setting that might be more diverse or more simulating than home.

 

[MooGooGai]

A baby doesn't benefit by being in a group care setting rather than in the individualized care of a parent

This is very true. Babies do not need to be socialized. I don't think anybody wants to put their baby in a daycare. Many have to, though