Why do so many people

[L107ANGEL]

Made even worse when they continue to have kids knowing how bad things have been. It's one of the things I've seen here, and at other sites, over time. Threads posted about how many problems the marriage is having, and then later that year, a thread about how they are having another kid.

I mostly agree with you on this thought. (try not to faint )

 

[FreshTressa]

1) Because you made a commitment to

2) You realize marriage has its ups and downs

3) Sometimes the 'family' is more important than personal happiness

4) People show more commitment to the family dog sometimes than a spouse (learned that in another thread)

5) Happiness has to come from within...not from the marriage.

6) Marriage, historically, has not always been about romance/happiness...nor does it need to be. Sometimes it is more of a business relationship, and that is okay.

7) I think our culture idealized marriage for many people and it is reinforced in the media..that people "deserve" a happy marriage. It is great to have ideals, but that is not going to be the truth for everyone.

8) Sometimes it is better to be in an unhappy marriage than it is to be alone. Especially if you are a woman with 3 or more kids. Yes, he is not perfect, but it may be difficult to find someone better if you are overweight, in your mid 40's and have 3 kids. That is just being honest. It is hard to raise kids on just one income.

9) Many times, it DOES get better.

10) Maybe it is not that bad...it just is not the fairy tale perfect that many people grow up expecting. People are just people and we all have flaws.


Now....all of those things don't apply if it is an abusive relationship. And there are times when the people just need to not be married. I've seen couples like that...they are just so toxic for each other.

Those are some of the reasons people choose to stay in 'unhappy' relationships. Also, I believe with work on the part of both people, many marriage can work!

 

[vivilasvegas]

When I was younger..ahem...trust me, I would never, ever stay in a relationship if I didn't want to. I was a strong woman!!

So a 10 year long relationship (no kids, which doesn't make it easier, by the way) later and things have changed a bit.
Like I said in previous posts, it's not as easy as some of you would like to think. I'm happy for all of you that are in these wonderful relationships that you never doubt, but that doesn't happen for all of us.

it is hard to end a long-term relationship, especially when the majority of the years were great. then something happens, things start to change, at least for you. you realize maybe you aren't as happy as you could be. or maybe you are just having a case of the grass is greener on the other side. you start to plan how you will end it, and then you realize the hurt you are going to cause the other person, and you also realize you will ultimately be losing your best friend.
And then maybe another year passes while you are trying to figure all of this out.

For everyone who thinks it's so easy/cut and dry, good for you. I hope you never do have to experience this because it is hard, confusing, and you don't have a lot of people to talk to about it because the answer is always " just leave him!"

 

[cardaway]

I mostly agree with you on this thought. (try not to faint )

Darn, but at least I tried.

 

[SillyMe]

However I have to admit it isn't so much staying in unhappy marriages that surpizes me as remaining in unhappy situations with out doing something about it. I don't think leaving the marriage is always the answer, but things can be done on both sides. In fact I think leaving should be the last resort.

I would bet that most relationships could work out if both people worked on it. That's one of the biggest problems. Oftentimes one person tries hard to make it work, while the other one doesn't.

 

[Keli]

Sometime it could be because they have stayed together long enough to have gained the wisdom that tells them "Just because I'm unhappy today with my spouse doesn't mean I will be unhappy with them forever".

Because that's the truth. Ask people that have been married for long periods of time (20 years or more) and most of them will tell you that they went though some bad times. Things can get difficult and hard, cares of life can work to pull you apart but if you hang in there the hard times won't stay forever and it can be very good again. I don't know how you tell the difference between a marriage that is irreparable and one that isn't minus cheating, beating and things on that scale.

Committment will hold you together when love won't. Love is an emotion that can ebb and flow. Committment is a decision.

Personally, I love my dh more now than I have at any point in our marriage. But there were bad times, especially when we had a little one, lots of bills and not so much cash, stressful jobs, family issues and a thousand other problems. But we hung in there in the rough times and when I look back I know our good times have far, far outweighed our bad ones.

 

[L107ANGEL]

Darn, but at least I tried.

Ok, that did make me LOL!

 

[SillyMe]

Sometime it could be because they have stayed together long enough to have gained the wisdom that tells them "Just because I'm unhappy today with my spouse doesn't mean I will be unhappy with them forever".

Because that's the truth. Ask people that have been married for long periods of time (20 years or more) and most of them will tell you that they went though some bad times. Things can get difficult and hard, cares of life can work to pull you apart but if you hang in there the hard times won't stay forever and it can be very good again. I don't know how you tell the difference between a marriage that is irreparable and one that isn't minus cheating, beating and things on that scale.

Committment will hold you together when love won't. Love is an emotion that can ebb and flow. Committment is a decision.

Personally, I love my dh more now than I have at any point in our marriage. But there were bad times, especially when we had a little one, lots of bills and not so much cash, stressful jobs, family issues and a thousand other problems. But we hung in there in the rough times and when I look back I know our good times have far, far outweighed our bad ones.

That's a very wise post.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I would bet that most relationships could work out if both people worked on it. That's one of the biggest problems. Oftentimes one person tries hard to make it work, while the other one doesn't.

When I was a therapist we would have couples come in and everyone who worked with them would think "what where these 2 ever thinking getting married. What did they ever see in each other?" The thing is undernengh it all there was some love. In fact as meserible as they were toghether, they were pretty messerible apart.

Working it out can be hard, but worth it. On the same note every relationship (even the "good ones") have things that can be worked on and improved. The key is continuing to work on relationships before they get so bad.

 

[MsLeFever]

However I have to admit it isn't so much staying in unhappy marriages that surpizes me as remaining in unhappy situations with out doing something about it. I don't think leaving the marriage is always the answer, but things can be done on both sides. In fact I think leaving should be the last resort.

Amen! For better or worse sometimes means working together to get out of the "worse"!

 

[F1Julie]

I got out of a bad marriage and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I am so much happier now. I left shortly after DD turned 1. I didn't want her growing up thinking what her father and I had was what a marriage was supposed to be. I've never regretted it.

 

[sweet angel]

Back at ya!

I think sometimes people can try to make things work but they are just fundamentally incompatible. Sometimes opposites DO attract, but there has to be SOME things in common. As another poster said, after 9, 10, 15, 20 years, it's hard as hell to break the tie no matter how badly you may want to.

There's not magic answer to the question, "How do you know when it's time to pack it in?"