Why do people insist on...

[wide awake]

When people come to my home for dinner they sit down at a beautifully set table, with a meal balanced not only with nutrition in mind, but with color, texture, and temp taken into consideration. I'll have spent quite a bit of time placing serving dishes on the table w/ my table decorations to determine the most pleasing arrangement. I do this because I want my guests to feel special, not because I am a control freak or spastic. Those of you who do things in a simpler manner because "you're more relaxed" are welcome to continue your ways, but don't say I am rude because I handle things in a different way. When I go to someone's home I ask if they want me to bring something...if they say no I don't...if they ask for something in particular that is what I bring...even if I think it doesn't go with the rest of their menu...I don't take it into my head to bring what I want just because that is what I want to eat.

 

[LeCras]

I'm with Wide Awake here. Sure, do bring something, but why not make it flowers or wine - something that can be enjoyed regardless of what's on the menu?

Whenever DH and I are invited to dinner parties we bring a bottle of champagne; makes for a festive start to the evening.

Charlotte

 

[NMAmy]

I guess I am just beyond easy going because I don't see the big deal about finding a knife and serving up some pie. If dessert was already planned certainly you had already planned some plates for it... can't you just slide over the authorized dessert to make room for a sliver of peach pie? Yes, I'm a rebel and sometimes I have both pumpkin and pecan pie on the same plate. Sometimes I even put fruit on that plate too! And when dessert is done, couldn't you have just taken the pie out of the dishes and put it on a paper plate and wrapped it in foil and given your cousin back her dishes?

This was my thought, too, Lisa. In my family and with my friends, it's quite common for someone to just bring something along. They're all great cooks so I would never dream of telling them not to do it. If someone asks, I usually say, 'Just bring yourselves" but any dishes brought are just added to the dinner.

Just this summer, I took a peach pie to my cousin's house for dinner. Her family was tickled and loved it--my uncle even called me later to ask me where I'd gotten the peaches because he wanted to make one, too. He'd stopped by her house later and had some of the leftovers.

I'm not saying that having your dinner set up precisely so is wrong--it's just very different from anything I've ever experienced personally. Having an extra serving dish on the table is no big deal to me or my family.

 

[kpm76]

I am a control freak when it comes to entertaining, I admit it....but I am working on it because I know there is more to life than making sure my table looks picture perfect and everything I serve is well presented. If someone brought something to my house, I hope I would graciously accept it and serve it with pleasure.

 

[mickeyboat]

I posted on a thread similar to this last week. I won't go into detail, but in summary, I can't believe people actually freak out about unauthorized food contributions. I am not sure how comfortable I would be at a function where I would be tarred and feathered for bringing an unwelcomed side dish, unless I am close enough to the person to know they feel strongly about controlling the menu. As a matter of fact I am going to a party tonight where the hostess is like this, so I know better than to bring something.

However, fill my wine glass enough times and I can enjoy anything.

Denae

 

[FSUGrad97]

seriously?

omg...I'm sorry...that's beyond rude. I'd be TICKED if I brought a dish to serve and the host...a FAMILY MEMBER, packed it up and put it in the freezer.

JMO

I agree! Granted, the dish may not have fit with your meal, but that borders on being obnoxious. If someone did that to something I brought, I doubt I would be back.

I think the key to being a good host, is to make your guests feel welcome and comfortable, even if they bring something you didn't plan on. Let's try to keep things in perspective - is it TRULY the end of the world?

 

[lillygator]

It's not the end of the world...but my OP was asking why people INSIST on bringing something even after they call repeatedly and ask and the hostess says nothing repeatedly? I suggested flowers, wine but MIL would hear nothing of it...finally settled on cheesecake....

 

[Christine]

When people come to my home for dinner they sit down at a beautifully set table, with a meal balanced not only with nutrition in mind, but with color, texture, and temp taken into consideration. I'll have spent quite a bit of time placing serving dishes on the table w/ my table decorations to determine the most pleasing arrangement. I do this because I want my guests to feel special, not because I am a control freak or spastic. Those of you who do things in a simpler manner because "you're more relaxed" are welcome to continue your ways, but don't say I am rude because I handle things in a different way. When I go to someone's home I ask if they want me to bring something...if they say no I don't...if they ask for something in particular that is what I bring...even if I think it doesn't go with the rest of their menu...I don't take it into my head to bring what I want just because that is what I want to eat.

Good post! I was going to post something like this myself. Now, while I don't entertain a lot, when I do I look at it as kind of an adventure and I want to plan it out from appetizers through dessert. It is almost like a hobby. I also participate on a cooking message board and many people take entertaining very serious--almost like an art form. You are preparing and serving a variety of dishes that complement each other. This is in no way being controlling or freakish. If you don't *do* things that way--fine. But many people do, so unless it's a pot luck, I think it is best to avoid offerings that are part of the meal unless a specific request is made. A nice, personal gift to the host/hostess is wonderful.

 

[disykat]

I think holidays are different than ordinary dinner parties where the host plans out a meal. People have foods that are traditional for their family. I think most people have never been to a holiday meal that isn't potluck. I know I haven't.

We share potluck holidays with two families. Neither of the other cooks like pumpkin or cranberries so when they host Thanksgiving those things are not on their menu. After years of missing them I just started asking "is it alright if I bring?" in addition to the salad or whatever I had been assigned. They always get eaten. When they come to my house I make sure there are other options for them and ask if there's anything specific they'd like to bring. One of the friends always brings Lefse because it "just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without it". I understand totally.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Great post Disykat,

I agree, if somebody is planning on entertaining at a special 'dinner party', then let them be the hostess with the mostess!!!

However, to make a Family Christmas meal out to be this kind of thing is controlling, selfish, stressful, etc...

To make this kind of a ruckes, to make several phone calls, and to discuss and to argue, over a pan of potatos.... Hey, perfect way to alienate people.

 

[jipsy]

One year my cousins's wife brought two peach pies. They weren't planned for. I already had dessert planned. I had to cut the pies, find plates, find a server, etc. Then because most of the pies were leftover she left them here, but DID want her pie plates back (which is understandable, they were glass ones) BUT...I only saw her once a year so I had to keep them for her a WHOLE YEAR!!! I thought she should have just taken them home with her then. I wouldn't do something like that to a hostess, and I don't like it when it's done to me.

I was raised that it's bad manners to give back an empty plate. I hope you baked two pies in those pie plates when you gave them back to her.



I'm still trying to think of what someone would be serving that scalloped potatoes wouldn't go with? Potatoes go with everything!

 

[froglady]

I would NEVER bring a food item to ANYONE'S house for dinner unless I've checked to make sure it's OK. When in doubt, I bring flowers, wine, candy, a plant, or any other nice hostess gift that doesn't have to be served with the meal.

You know, there are people (my step MIL is one) who felt that people bringing food to her house implied that she a. was a bad cook b. didn't serve enough food c. didn't serve food that others liked

Again, I would always check before bringing anything.

 

[Christine]

I was raised that it's bad manners to give back an empty plate. I hope you baked two pies in those pie plates when you gave them back to her.



I'm still trying to think of what someone would be serving that scalloped potatoes wouldn't go with? Potatoes go with everything!

Lasagna, spaghetti, Chinese food...

However, it would go very nicely with the prime rib I'm making.

Bottom line though--I think one should ALWAYS honor the host's wishes. I realize that some of you feel very strongly that holiday dinners are pot lucks, but they aren't for everyone. Quite honestly, I don't understand why some people are "pushy" about bringing food to the meal. If the offer to bring a side dish is declined by the host, leave it at that. I really think it's rude to keep pushing the issue and insisting on bringing something. But, yeah, in the interest of family harmony, I'd let it go and then come to this message board and gripe, which is what the OP is doing. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[froglady]

I was raised that it's bad manners to give back an empty plate. I hope you baked two pies in those pie plates when you gave them back to her.



I'm still trying to think of what someone would be serving that scalloped potatoes wouldn't go with? Potatoes go with everything!

How about Thai? Indian food? Chinese? Lasagna? I can think of many meals that it wouldn't go with. Plus, I, and the rest of my family, hate scalloped potatoes. Unless my guest brought the leftovers (there would obviously be a lot) home, they'd end up in the garbage.

And how thoughtful to bring a dish, and expect your hostess to refill it when she returns it. I was brought up to entertain my guests to the best of MY ability, which does not include their providing food or drink. That's MY responsibility. Again, if it's a family meal, and someone wants to help, they can check with me to see what my main dish will be, and provide a side dish or dessert. DM does this every year; sometimes, she even provides the MAIN dish, and I provide all the sides. But she's my MOTHER, and has a bit more leeway in bossing me around my own kitchen.

 

[phamton]

I'll have spent quite a bit of time placing serving dishes on the table w/ my table decorations to determine the most pleasing arrangement. I do this because I want my guests to feel special

Not exactly making a guest feel special when you refuse to serve their dish. It may not be what you had in mind for your menu but I would still accept it and serve it. I was raised in Texas and it was considered rude not to bring food to a family gathering. We also all pitched in to help with clearing the table and the dish washing.

And as far as bringing wine. No thanks--- I don't drink. But if a guest did bring wine, I'd certainly offer it to those who did drink wine and be gracious and appreciative to the person who brought it.

 

[lillygator]

thanks! and it isn't a potluck meal!!



But I just spoke with MIL AGAIN!!! She wanted to know one more time if she could bring anything other than the dessert - so I asked her if she did not like my cooking and she said oh no dear - I just hate for you to do it all. I told her DH and I love to cook for special meals, I do almost everything ahead of time and really don't want any of the guests to have to do any work.... She said she understood! But I am thinking I will still see a pan of something!

 

[Wishing on a star]

You know, there are people (my step MIL is one) who felt that people bringing food to her house implied that she a. was a bad cook b. didn't serve enough food c. didn't serve food that others liked

This is true. But, nevertheless, IMHO, in a 'FAMILY' situation, to me, this would make your MIL childish and rude and controlling, etc.. People have different tastes and they have different favorite holiday foods. My MIL may be a good cook, but we are from different parts of the country, and, I personally do not care for (hate) the way she prepares things. Also, more importantly, I have allergies. I could literally STARVE if I had to always limit myself to my MIL's cooking.

As a matter of fact, I am sitting here thinking about how I will going hungry on my Christmas eve, eating foods that I hate, because we will be at her house. Ohhhh joy!!!!!!

 

[lillygator]

isn't it funny how we are particular to our own foods?? (ones we prepare and are used to??!!)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yet another 'discussion' over the phone....

Over a pan of potatoes!!!

Is it really worth it!!!

Boy, what a way to make your MIL feel included and accepted.

 

[froglady]

This is true. But, nevertheless, IMHO, in a 'FAMILY' situation, to me, this would make your MIL childish and rude and controlling, etc.. People have different tastes and they have different favorite holiday foods. My MIL may be a good cook, but we are from different parts of the country, and, I personally do not care for (hate) the way she prepares things. Also, more importantly, I have allergies. I could literally STARVE if I had to always limit myself to my MIL's cooking.

As a matter of fact, I am sitting here thinking about how I will going hungry on my Christmas eve, eating foods that I hate, because we will be at her house. Ohhhh joy!!!!!!

You have allergies, so can use that as an "out."

And I don't see where a woman who was raised to feel that it's a HOSTESS' obligation to provide EVERYTHING for her guests is being "rude" and "childish" to feel hurt when her guests INSIST upon bringing things against her wishes? It's not like she (or the OP) is throwing a hissy fit, anymore than I would. It just wouldn't delight me (although I would hide that fact), and would make me feel that I had somehow let my guest down.