why do men leave

[Tiggeroo]

this isn't happening in my home but apparently it could. Seemingly normal, not perfect couples, raising kids together, working hard. The man gets bored and leaves. I know it's not always one sided. It's just that most women I know think thru the real alteration in lives and childrens lives so it would normally have to be more then just bored, no spark etc for them to leave their families. These men know when they go they won't wake up in the morning and see the kids. Do they think about the holidays and the fact that they will never have that big family Christmas dinner. Do they think about the fact that when their children get married there will be seperate family tables and sets of spouses. About grandkids, etc. Do I just over think things or am I right in this.

 

[Microcell]

DH works with a man who probably cheated (though not confirmed) and boy does he regret whatever it was he did to contribute to the end of his marriage. He keeps telling us not to fight, at all, or one of us could wake up in the morning without our kids.

We joke and tell him that we have a "cold war" going on because neither of us would give up our kids, so we have to live together. There is truth to that in that we have decided that we are going to stick together for better and worse.

There is one man in the world that knows, too late...

 

[BillSears]

My Wife left me so it happens on both sides. We weren't having major problems, we still get along fine, she just didn't want to stay married and eventually she moved to the West Coast and I raised my daughter alone. It's something I can't understand. I suspect you're either the type of person who stays commited to a relationship or you're not.

 

[Tiggeroo]

i'm sorry bill. I know women leave but it's not that often.

 

[Bob Slydell]

this isn't happening in my home but apparently it could. Seemingly normal, not perfect couples, raising kids together, working hard. The man gets bored and leaves. I know it's not always one sided.

The last two times I've heard this happening with acquaintences, it was actually the wife involved who "got bored" and left. One had just had a child not long beforehand, the other couple had no kids. So, no, it's not limited to just men.

 

[Tiggeroo]

again i know women who have done it. Only two left for no apparent reason with a dh who cared and tried and they were military wives. (not that that's an excuse just different circumstances). I would imagine that few women leave because leaving means leaving the kids. I think most women would have a much harder time with that conversation with their kids, esp if dh isn't going to go along with the mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore and they've tried very hard spiel. I just think women think thru the long long term consequences more.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm sorry if I offend anyone on here who has done this, but there's a special kind of rottenness inside of a mother who can walk out her kids. They are so much more vile than a man who does. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's right for a man to do so! But I think it's more wrong for a woman to do it.

Tiggeroo, I don't get it either. I know my husband is fully capable of it himself, because he walked out on us back in 1999 -- just quit his job, walked out of the house, and left us high and dry. He moved 1000 miles away. DD was 3 when it happened and she'd get on the phone with him afterwards begging him to come home. He'd get MAD about it, thinking I was putting her up to it.

Long story short, we're back together -- he'd had a complete mental breakdown but everything is so much better than before. I wasn't blameless in our separation, but if the shoe had been on the other foot, nothing in this world could have compelled me to leave my babies!

 

[Tiggeroo]

i understand couples who fight, spend at least 6 months in counseling. One has a bad habit they refuse to change,etc. I do understand divorce. It's the just giving up and walking away from your family. They, including your wife, are your family. If there is a SAHM involved who hasn't worked in awhile the kids lives are going to change a good deal. If there are two incomes you can't tell me there will be alot less expendible money for the kids after a split.

 

[luvflorida]

I don't mean to belittle the actual topic, but when I first read the title of this thread, "Why do men leave", I thought the rest of the sentence was going to be, "the toilet seat up". I thought maybe this thread was an open ended sort of post where people would supply different answers.

Sorry, back to the original post.

 

[Tiggeroo]

hahaha. i live in a house with more males then females. They leave the toilet seat up, they let the trashcan overflow, they drink from the carton/bottle if i'm not looking right at them and I know it.

 

[Galahad]

hahaha. i live in a house with more males then females. They leave the toilet seat up, they let the trashcan overflow, they drink from the carton/bottle if i'm not looking right at them and I know it.

LOL! I live in a house were DS is the only female and we wouldn't dare leave the toilet seat up. We know quite clearly who's boss.

To the topic - I don't understand the entire up-and-leave thing from either side, particularly when there are children. If there is no abuse, addiction or adultry then leaving seems to be and act of weakness and laziness IMO.

 

[EdiePA]

I sincerely don't think that my EX husband was as bonded to my children as I was -- and it shows now in their adult relationship with him. He left for another woman when they were 16 and 18 and is content when they're home now to see them one night for dinner and even on Christmas, sees them for just an hour an a half.

His own father died when he was 13, so from that age on, it was like he couldn't relate to them and left the parenting up to me.

It hurts to see them hurt,
Edie

 

[MICKEY88]

again i know women who have done it. Only two left for no apparent reason with a dh who cared and tried and they were military wives. (not that that's an excuse just different circumstances). I would imagine that few women leave because leaving means leaving the kids. I think most women would have a much harder time with that conversation with their kids, esp if dh isn't going to go along with the mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore and they've tried very hard spiel. I just think women think thru the long long term consequences more.

I think it happens with women a lot more than you realize...


I'm not sure it's because women think things thru so much, as it's still the generations of thinking that only women can take care of children and the men figuring they need out but will lose the kids in a custody fight anyway, so they just leave by themselves.., the numbers are slowly changing as society and the courts realize that it doesn't matter what gender a parent is, just so they are a good parent..

one problem that still exists is the double standard, if a woman leaves and takes the childen, that's a normal seperation, if a man leaves and takes the children, some people, including the law equate that with parental abduction..

 

[leighe]

My mom has several friends who have dubbed themselves a "First Wives Club" because their husbands got bored and left. What would frustrate me even more it that now these men have new wives and families. It's like now they've grown up and want to act like adults. I've always thought that was so unfair to the wife and children they left behind.

 

[luvflorida]

hahaha. i live in a house with more males then females. They leave the toilet seat up, they let the trashcan overflow, they drink from the carton/bottle if i'm not looking right at them and I know it.

Haha! I'm glad you have a sense of humor. After I posted my remark I wanted to take it back. I figured someone would flame me for being insensitive to the original topic! And how about when they put back a carton or bottle of something in the fridge and it only has a dribble left in it.

 

[MamaLema]

DH has a co-worker with MS. Her husband left her because her MS was too much trouble for HIM. BTW, they have a 10 year old daughter.

It's quite depressing, really

 

[NMAmy]

I've always thought that was so unfair to the wife and children they left behind.

I can tell you from personal experience that while it's a terrible thing to go through, those women are probably much better off without those guys. I know I am.

 

[Nickunited]

The last two times I've heard this happening with acquaintences, it was actually the wife involved who "got bored" and left. One had just had a child not long beforehand, the other couple had no kids. So, no, it's not limited to just men.

Thats terrible - I am only 26 and I am not even dating someone - but as a single guy - I really hope when I find someone to get married that it is for the right reasons and I never get bored of it. See - I have gotten bored or unhappy in relationships but I have ended them before the marriage talk. I guess that is why I want to be sure before I start talking marriage - I never want that to happen to me. I am sorry for anyone who is going through that!

 

[Tiggeroo]

also i understand it happening in short term marriages where ties aren't forged, esp if there's no kids. It's just that after 20 years lives are so intertwined. Inlaws think of you as their sibling, cousins all love each other. I've never seen a divorce where that really stayed the same. Politely and on the surface yes, but not really.

 

[luvwinnie]

My cousin's wife walked out on him and their SEVEN kids on CHRISTMAS DAY!!! Just decided it was all too much for her...