Why do I feel like such a terrible mom???

[mommyrosa2]

After an almost 3 year break from Disney, I am planning to price out a trip for our family for next August. We are a family of 4, myself, DH and two DD's (one is 20 and the other is 24). If the price makes sense and I do book the trip, I had a discussion with my oldest that she will need to pitch in now that she has graduated college (this past May) and has a full-time job. Knowing she's not making millions (she's a pre-K teacher), I told her we'd cover the room and her meals but I expected her to pay for her airfare and her park tickets. Well... let's just say that conversation didn't go as well as I had planned as she was completely shocked! And while she said she understood, in the same breath she sadly said she would only be able to come along if she could "afford" it.

Now I feel like a horrible mom even though deep down I truly feel that we were being fair by asking her to pitch in as she was able to save up her own money to go on a trip to Mexico with her friend next month. DH keeps telling me she'll get over it and if she really wants to come, she'll make it happen - he thinks she's just trying to make us feel guilty so we'll pay for her. I have such mixed emotions because on one hand, we are trying to teach her that it's time she starts being more financially responsible but on the other hand, if she doesn't end up coming with us, our family trip just won't be the same!

Why is cutting the "chord" so hard and has anyone else gone through this? UGH!!

 

[PrincessShmoo]

After an almost 3 year break from Disney, I am planning to price out a trip for our family for next August. We are a family of 4, myself, DH and two DD's (one is 20 and the other is 24). If the price makes sense and I do book the trip, I had a discussion with my oldest that she will need to pitch in now that she has graduated college (this past May) and has a full-time job. Knowing she's not making millions (she's a pre-K teacher), I told her we'd cover the room and her meals but I expected her to pay for her airfare and her park tickets. Well... let's just say that conversation didn't go as well as I had planned as she was completely shocked! And while she said she understood, in the same breath she sadly said she would only be able to come along if she could "afford" it.

Now I feel like a horrible mom even though deep down I truly feel that we were being fair by asking her to pitch in as she was able to save up her own money to go on a trip to Mexico with her friend next month. DH keeps telling me she'll get over it and if she really wants to come, she'll make it happen - he thinks she's just trying to make us feel guilty so we'll pay for her. I have such mixed emotions because on one hand, we are trying to teach her that it's time she starts being more financially responsible but on the other hand, if she doesn't end up coming with us, our family trip just won't be the same!

Why is cutting the "chord" so hard and has anyone else gone through this? UGH!!

I'm beginning to think that feeling like a terrible mom is part of the whole "mom" thing. We're also going through the "he/she is an adult now, he/she has to make her own choices" stage.

As an adult, if she wants to take a vacation, she should be funding it herself. I think your offer of taking some of the costs on yourself is more than fair. We recently looked into a pretty costly vacation, and asked out youngest (25) son if he wanted to go also. We told him approximately what his cost would be and left the brochure with him to think about it. He initially said he would be interested. But his choice was "No" in the long run.

 

[cvjw]

I would never ask my kids to pitch in on a family vacation. As long as I am alive and able, I will pay for our family vacations. We are still fortunate enough to travel with my parents and my husband’s parents every year. They never ask us to pitch in, just like we never ask our boys to pitch in. It is just how our family dynamics work. I enjoy providing vacations for my boys and am overjoyed that they still want to travel with us. I assume my parents and in-laws feel the same way when we agree to travel with them.

If my kids want to travel with friends or significant others, they can save and use their money for that. Not for any trip that I am on.

 

[VandVsmama]

If she can't afford to go, she can't afford it. So you will need to emotionally deal with the possibility that she will not be joining you. Going on vacation is a privilege, not a right. And if you're on a limited income with not a whole lot of disposable income, then something like a WDW trip is something that you pass on.

Your older daughter was being pretty up front with you when she said that she'd only be going if she could afford it.

She's 24 yr old. That's 6 yr of adulthood. If her going with you is an absolute MUST, then you have to pay for her tickets & airfare. Otherwise, don't complain. At the moment, you communicated the boundary to her. Now you have to enforce the boundary. Otherwise, if you pay for her to join you, then don't complain about the cost later on. And don't complain about her acting entitled.

Your daughter needs to learn a basic part of Adulting 101, which is that sometimes you can't afford to do the stuff that you want to...you can't afford to do it right **now**. Plus, there will be trips in the future that your daughter goes on which you will NOT be joining her for.

Story time...
Ages ago, my parents bought a time share in Hawaii because they loved going there on vacation every year and they had dreams of all of us (them, me & my immediate family, & my sister) going to Hawaii in the timeshare every year. Well, life got in the way of that. My parents were pretty up front about it and said we'd have to pay for all of our meals & our airfare and a car rental. Only thing we wouldn't be paying for was the time share. Ok, fair enough. Except that 4 round trip tickets from Arizona to Maui was $1600-$2000. And our kids were both still in daycare. Meaning with our 2-income household, we were paying $1400/month towards daycare at the time. There was literally no extra $$ left over for anything like that. And even if there WAS extra $$ for expensive airfare, we couldn't have gone anyway because we had to use all of our vacation time to take off of work when the kids got sick once a month.

So we didn't go to Hawaii. Didn't use the time share. And since then, other life stuff got in the way...like job changes and other stuff. So for 10-11 years, no Hawaii trips. It's a luxury that our time & $$ couldn't afford. Were my parents disappointed? Sure they were. But they got over it. They still went to Hawaii without us and had a nice time though. We wished them well and weren't resentful about it or anything.

All of your future 'family trips' will NOT be the same...it will NOT be like when your kids were in junior high, high school, or college. Your family dynamic is different now. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. If you want your 24-yr-old (who technically has now had 6 yr of practice being an adult) to act like an adult, then you should treat her like one. And adults usually don't expect other adults to provide them with a free all-inclusive expensive vacation.

 

[sam_gordon]

After an almost 3 year break from Disney, I am planning to price out a trip for our family for next August. We are a family of 4, myself, DH and two DD's (one is 20 and the other is 24). If the price makes sense and I do book the trip, I had a discussion with my oldest that she will need to pitch in now that she has graduated college (this past May) and has a full-time job. Knowing she's not making millions (she's a pre-K teacher), I told her we'd cover the room and her meals but I expected her to pay for her airfare and her park tickets. Well... let's just say that conversation didn't go as well as I had planned as she was completely shocked! And while she said she understood, in the same breath she sadly said she would only be able to come along if she could "afford" it.

Now I feel like a horrible mom even though deep down I truly feel that we were being fair by asking her to pitch in as she was able to save up her own money to go on a trip to Mexico with her friend next month. DH keeps telling me she'll get over it and if she really wants to come, she'll make it happen - he thinks she's just trying to make us feel guilty so we'll pay for her. I have such mixed emotions because on one hand, we are trying to teach her that it's time she starts being more financially responsible but on the other hand, if she doesn't end up coming with us, our family trip just won't be the same!

Why is cutting the "chord" so hard and has anyone else gone through this? UGH!!

Sorry, if I was taking younger child, I'd also be taking older. Let's be honest, unless you're getting her a room to herself, there's no extra costs associated with the room. You want her to "have some skin in the game", I think you have her pay for meals, you take care of flights & park tickets.

 

[xlsm]

At 20 I was married and expecting, and at 24 I was divorced with a 3 year old and a one year old. I had a house and job and bills...my parents never would have even considered inviting us on a vacation - I was out of the house and on my own! My brother is ten years younger than me, so he was the "kid" and would be the one going on any family vacation with them.

So, from where I'm sitting, you were very generous just to think about having them come with you at all!

If my kids were those ages, I might ask them if they wanted to come on the trip - I would expect they'd have lives of their own, and jobs and would need to see if they could even get the time off. If they could come, and wanted to, we'd probably pay for the airfare and hotel, meals that we ate together, but for anything else they'd be on their own money-wise. If they couldn't fly WITH us and had to come at a later time, I'd probably expect them to pay for their own flight.

If I were truly planning a "family vacation", I feel like we'd pay for everything...but I don't think I'd book anything with the expectation that they would be coming with us and not plan to pick up the bill if they couldn't afford it on their own. But just a regular trip on a whim, I'd be more like "hey, we're going to wdw...if you want to come you can, but if you want your own room you'll need to pay for that yourself. We're going x dates, if you're interested"

I think what you offered her was fair, and sounds about like what I'd have done. But I don't think parents should be expected to pay for everything all the time once kids reach a certain age. In our family, we're the ones who buy dinner for our parents if they come visit, or if we go visit them. They don't pay for anything for us, and haven't since we left the house to be on our own.

 

[mummabear]

So OP, only thing I can suggest (and too late for your case) is to have some foresight into these sorts of things, when we will no longer pay for you to come on holiday, will not pay for your phone etc and be upfront about it long before it's time.

My kids (who are 9,7&4) know that when they are 5 they get an allowance, as the allowance goes up in age I stop paying for certain things.
They also know that afterbtheybturn 10 they have to choose between a party and presents.

She's 24 yr old. That's 6 yr of adulthood. If her going with you is an absolute MUST, then you have to pay for her tickets & airfare

The thing here to remember too though, is that of you are willing to pay for the now 24 year old, will you able willing and able to do the same for her younger sister?

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I’m over 50, and have never paid for vacations when traveling with my parents, even with our 5 kids. We went to WDW twice, and 2 cruises, plus a beach house. My sister has never traveled with our parents as an adult, she didn’t want to. My oldest is 22, has a lot of student loans, but a great job lined up (CPA), but is living on her own. If I was planning a family vacation, I’d pay her way, because part of her going would be for me (kind of like bringing a friend to entertain your child). If she had an extra $1000, she’s chose traveling with her friends or boyfriend over her family, like most young adults.

 

[Shanti]

After an almost 3 year break from Disney, I am planning to price out a trip for our family for next August. We are a family of 4, myself, DH and two DD's (one is 20 and the other is 24). If the price makes sense and I do book the trip, I had a discussion with my oldest that she will need to pitch in now that she has graduated college (this past May) and has a full-time job. Knowing she's not making millions (she's a pre-K teacher), I told her we'd cover the room and her meals but I expected her to pay for her airfare and her park tickets. Well... let's just say that conversation didn't go as well as I had planned as she was completely shocked! And while she said she understood, in the same breath she sadly said she would only be able to come along if she could "afford" it.

Now I feel like a horrible mom even though deep down I truly feel that we were being fair by asking her to pitch in as she was able to save up her own money to go on a trip to Mexico with her friend next month. DH keeps telling me she'll get over it and if she really wants to come, she'll make it happen - he thinks she's just trying to make us feel guilty so we'll pay for her. I have such mixed emotions because on one hand, we are trying to teach her that it's time she starts being more financially responsible but on the other hand, if she doesn't end up coming with us, our family trip just won't be the same!

Why is cutting the "chord" so hard and has anyone else gone through this? UGH!!

I'm a teacher, and when I was single & in my first years of teaching I could not have afforded what you're asking of her. I was never able to afford long-distance travel at all. And pre-k teachers make even less than us regular teachers...

Since you're asking her to pay for herself, this is no different than you asking a friend to tag along. If they really want to, and can afford it, they'll go. If not, they won't.

You need to be realistic about your daughter's income & understand that if you ask her to pay for vacations, she might not be able to go until her financial status improves. And that could take several years. You also need to understand that she might prioritize her limited vacation dollars to non-family travel, as well. Her money, her priorities.

Frankly, if you really value the continuing family trip, I recommend paying for it. I pay to take my mother along with us when she comes. When my son is a young adult, I'll pay for him.

 

[hopemax]

Are you okay with her not going?

Because that comes with the expectation that she pays her own way. It would be a "terrible mom" thing for you to decide she will spend her money on your family vacation or that your family vacation has to come before any of her choices. I had to have conversations with my own Mom about her assumptions regarding what I would be paying for. If I decided that I didn't want to spend my limited spending money on X or participate in Y that was my choice. She couldn't just purchase or book something and hand me a bill. If it was THAT important to HER for me to be there, then I wouldn't be the one paying.

Being able to afford a trip to Mexico with friends is not proof that she can afford a trip to Mexico with friends AND a family vacation. If she can only afford one, family may lose out. And that's not a bad thing for her to be independent. I'm not one who thinks it's okay for family to insist (or strongly imply) that THEY have to come before anything else. So no guilting someone for going on a non-family vacation even if that means they can't afford the family vacation.

 

[Kingdome8]

Sorry, if I was taking younger child, I'd also be taking older. Let's be honest, unless you're getting her a room to herself, there's no extra costs associated with the room. You want her to "have some skin in the game", I think you have her pay for meals, you take care of flights & park tickets.

I agree. If your paying for the younger daughter you need to pay for the older too.
Always need to be fair. if you want a family vaca you will need to pay. The room is basically free. Just tell her to bring spending money.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I don't think your daughter is trying to make you feel guilty and I hope you don't make her feel guilty for not wanting to put out the money. This trip is not in her budget. It's fine that she saved for Mexico however that doesn't mean she's obligated to save for a Disney trip. Either pony up the money and take her or go without her. You can't really plan and invite someone on a trip and then tell them they are obligated to pay their own way. You're not a horrible mom and she isn't a horrible daughter.

 

[Hikergirl]

If asking my children to pitch in for family vacations was something I was going to do, it would have been a conversation long before the first of those types of vacations were planned. Like when they are 18 you tell them "at age X you will have to pay your airfare plus this and that", so that when the time came for them to pay their way they wouldn't be so shocked. Also, you could plan a vacation that she could afford. Airfare and park tickets can be pretty expensive and she isn't really given a choice on the budget of the vacation since you've decided where you are all going.
I wouldn't do it that way because I know there is a real possibility that my kids will choose not to go, and that isn't something I would want if I was hoping for a family vacation.
Every family is different, you need to do what works for your's. Don't beat yourself up for trying to do that.

 

[Hrhpd]

After an almost 3 year break from Disney, I am planning to price out a trip for our family for next August. We are a family of 4, myself, DH and two DD's (one is 20 and the other is 24). If the price makes sense and I do book the trip, I had a discussion with my oldest that she will need to pitch in now that she has graduated college (this past May) and has a full-time job. Knowing she's not making millions (she's a pre-K teacher), I told her we'd cover the room and her meals but I expected her to pay for her airfare and her park tickets. Well... let's just say that conversation didn't go as well as I had planned as she was completely shocked! And while she said she understood, in the same breath she sadly said she would only be able to come along if she could "afford" it.

Now I feel like a horrible mom even though deep down I truly feel that we were being fair by asking her to pitch in as she was able to save up her own money to go on a trip to Mexico with her friend next month. DH keeps telling me she'll get over it and if she really wants to come, she'll make it happen - he thinks she's just trying to make us feel guilty so we'll pay for her. I have such mixed emotions because on one hand, we are trying to teach her that it's time she starts being more financially responsible but on the other hand, if she doesn't end up coming with us, our family trip just won't be the same!
Why is cutting the "chord" so hard and has anyone else gone through this? UGH!!

I agree with all of the above posts that as an adult, she has the choice on how to spend her money. If she can't afford it, then she can't afford it. Not very many 24 year olds can afford large trips to Disney.

As an adult, she also has the right to decide how she wants to spend her vacation and money. IF she chooses to go to Mexico with her friends rather than your family vacation, then that is her right. Especially since you are encouraging adulthood.

You have to examine your priorities. If it is that important to you to have a family vacation with everyone there, then it is up to you to eliminate the variables and pay for both children.

If a vacation is important to me to have everyone together, then I will invite the children, all expenses paid. If it is just something I think they would enjoy with us, then they chip in. It all depends on my priorities.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I agree. If your paying for the younger daughter you need to pay for the older too.
Always need to be fair. if you want a family vaca you will need to pay. The room is basically free. Just tell her to bring spending money.

I don't agree with that. The younger (20 year old) isn't reported to have a full time job outside the home. Maybe she's still in school. Still being supported by the parents. The 24 year old should be funding her own life, for the most part.

 

[Christine]

Well, I probably won't make you feel better. I have two "kids" (27 and 23) who are both working and could afford to pay for a trip.

If I was the one wanting and planning a family trip, there would be no way I'd ask them to pay. It would be my treat because it's FOR ME that I'd want that family vacation with the 4 of us. Believe me, my kids love Disney but at this stage in their life, they'd rather be going to Europe or on other vacations with their friend group. My daughter has gone to Paris, Iceland, and Colombia in the past 2 years. I'm not going to make her pay for Disney because that's where *I* want her to go, with me.

If you want to start making your adult kids pitch in for family vacations, be prepared that them going with you may be a much lower priority than their other wants.

The only way I'd ask them to pay is if they instigated the trip and I had no money.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, does she live with you? I assume yes because you mention you want her to become more financially responsible.
Being financially responsible for a 24 year old may mean only one trip per year, and she is already paying for her Mexico trip.
Do you make her pay any of her expenses- cell, car insurance, car payment, room and board and food? If yes, isn't she kind of already being responsible? If you are paying for all that stuff at home then I get where you are coming from.

 

[Wendy31]

When we were young adults (even after DH & were married & were "young" - early 20s), if my parents planned a family vacation that included my younger sister & me, they paid for the vacation.

We plan to do the same w/ our young adult children.

I think, like others have said, if you want your DD to go w/ you, then you need to pay for her to go w/ you.

A young preschool teacher probably does NOT have a lot extra money for vacations, &, if she does, she may want to use her extra money for something else besides a vacation w/ her parents & her younger sister.

So, again, if it's important to you to have a family vacation (& it would be important to me), I'd graciously offer to pay her way - especially if you're still paying for her younger sister.

She's your daughter. She's your family.

And, yes, she's an adult & should be learning to make her way in the world, but in my mind, family vacations are "extra" & separate from normal day-to-day bills. Having the money or not having the money for vacation has nothing to do w/ whether or not someone is mature & responsible.

If you do feel like she needs to pay & she says she can't afford what you're asking, it's fine to feel disappointed, realizing the days of "family vacations" are over, but you shouldn't pressure her to come up w/ the money.

 

[Floridaman999]

If it's important to you that everyone goes, you might have to bite the bullet and pay the total cost. If I wanted to make sure certain people were with me on a vacation I would just pay their way in order to make sure that happened.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

If you are paying for one then you should pay for both if you consider it a family vacation and can afford it.