Why do I care? sorry it's longer that I thought!

[mousemomof3]

Ok...I need advice. I have a 'best' friend (I am 26, she is 25) who treats me horrible. Not to sound like we are children, she is a RN, I am in Graduate school..both mature adults. The problem is that she always has to be 'one up' on me. She constantly has to make sure that she is better, has better things and is in general a better person. Since I am in school, I am broke...not a lot of $$ for extras (saving for DW vacation...but that is only after going months of not spending $$, plus free dining). She has a good job and lives rent-free so she is able to afford lots of extra luxaries. She constantly brags about what she has and how many times they go to DW (about 4 per year) and how 'little' her paycheck is (it is not really little, she jsut likes to brag about it and it would be incrediably rude to say how 'much' it is) and how it does not matter what it is because she has so much $$ anyway. She is a pediatric/nursery nurse and found a part-time job as a nanny (hints the free rent) for triplets and so she is always taking about the family that she lives with and how much money they have and all of the trips that her and her sister (who is also a nanny for them) are able to go on. She does not like it one little bit that I am in graduate school because it means that I will eventually make the same or more $$ than her and she always tells me how she would not go back to school and a graduate degree means nothing (she has associates). I could go on for days and I have already said enough...but I wanted to say that despite all of that, I try so hard to win her 'approval'. We are the same size, have the same taste in clothes and have had a lot of the same life experiences....that being said, she does hurt my feelings and I think that she is fully aware and does it on purpose...but she is just subtle enough so she can deny it. Oh don't get me started on how her mother thinks that she does no wrong and has got her to thinking that way also....Anyway, why do I care about how she treats me and why do I let her hurt my feelings?

Oh, by they way, I am not a mom...I am using a friend's name to post b/c she gets on the boards and my name is easy to associate with me.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I would get rid of her.

 

[N.Bailey]

It sounds to me like you need a new best friend. If you're not willing to sacrifice the friendship, take heart in knowing that you WILL make more money than her once you graduate. I'm sure she'll be dancing to the beat of a different drummer when that happens.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

This is not a friendship in any sense of the word. There is no reason to continue in such an abusive relationship unless you feel that somehow you "deserve" to be treated so poorly.

I'd suggest being honest with your "friend" and telling her what you've posted here. If she chooses to straighten up and act like a real friend, then the relationship can continue. If she continues this same behavior, I would terminate the relationship and not look back.

People like this are toxic to your life... they poison your self-esteem; they can drain you emotionally; they are not worth the time or effort. Either she changes or she can find someone else's life to try to ruin.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I don't know how long you have been friends with her, but a piece of advice I had to use was, just because they are old friend, don't mean they are good friends.

 

[indigoxtreme]

That is not a TRUE Friend. She is someone you know. A TRUE friend is someone who you can argue with and still respect their opinion. They are truely happy for each other etc. It is someone that is always there for you no matter what. Don't let her get you down. You are doing great and congratulations on your Graduate School. You will find that you may have 1 to 2 TRUE friends in your life and you may not have found them yet. Keep smiling and hang in there.

 

[s&k'smom]

First a big hug. I read this thread and it sounds like this friend is extremely jealous of you. No real friend would continue this way. I don't like to give advice but if it makes you feel this bad maybe you should let go of this friendship. She knows she has power over you and this, IMHO, is why she continues to belittle you. Put yourself first!!!!

 

[Southern4sure]

HI

I agree with what others are saying so there is no need repeating. This girl may be nice at times but she is not a friend. Start hanging out with some other friends and enjoy life.

 

[Tanuki]

Having been thru graduate school I totally recall the feeling that other people were getting started on their life while I was stuck in grad student poverty, scraping by, not able to have much in the way of fun or take a vacation.

I also felt stressed by the course load and how difficult it was while others basically didn't seem to have all that much to worry about. It was just party, party, party all night while I was stuck studying. True, I could focus on the future and know that one day I would qualify to have enough money to have a great lifestyle but that was years away.

So you have to ask yourself - is your friend bragging to make you feel bad or is it just that she has a more "glamorous" life right now so naturally the stuff she gets to do is more "glamorous".

She lives in a different economy than you do. One day you will live in a different economy than she does. The triplets will be too old to need a nanny, the family she lives in will not need her services and you will be right at the point where your finances are finally coming up.

This also happens when your friends marry - some marry people with a lot of money and some not so much. Friendships change because of this.

If this person is dragging you down you may want to see less of her.

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

I'm sure that she has other good qualities, otherwise, I don't think the OP would keep her as a friend. Don't we all have friends like this, who try to one up you every once in a while and it bugs the crap out of you? I know I do! I'm sure other than the oneupsmanship, she's probably a lot of fun to have around.
However, the problem isn't with the OP. It's with her friend. For some reason, I truly think that in some way, she feels inferior to you and needs to behave in this manner from time to time in order for her to feel equal. If it really bothers you, and you are best friends, why not sit down and talk about it. I don't think it's any reason to dump your best friend over. Just my opinion.

 

[Steve Hurley]

OIf she's your best freind I'd hate to hear about your enemies!!!

 

[Poohgirl]

You don't need that in your life! I had a best friend just like her. I should have smartened up sooner, she eventually seduced my husband (now ex). Should have seen it coming.... Find someone who will be supportive, not bring you down! There are many of us 'good friends' out there.

 

[luvmy2sams]

She does not like it one little bit that I am in graduate school because it means that I will eventually make the same or more $$ than her and she always tells me how she would not go back to school and a graduate degree means nothing (she has associates).

I thought an associates degree could only get you an LPN position. I have several close friends that are RN's, and they all needed a bachelor's degree to get those letters after their names.

Keep on plugging along with your degree. Graduate school is definitely worth it, and it will make a big difference for you as you advance in your career. Try to focus on your future, which seems to be much brighter than your friend's. As other posters have pointed out, the nanny position will not last forever. It also might not be especially ideal if this friend decides she wants her own family one day. All this traveling that she brags about might not be so easy if she's financing it herself, instead of going along as part of her employment agreement. I know it's difficult, but I'd call her on her behavior and would seriously consider just how important it is for you to have her in your life. You can only live on your history together for so long. Sometimes we have friends that are just friends for a season in our lives. Sounds like she considers herself your competition instead of your companion in life.

 

[minkydog]

Sounds like you need to broaden you circle a little. Your friend isn't acting very friendly. It doesn't matter how much money you make or she makes, she will always "better" you. There is probably a reason you put up with it, low self-esteem, I'm guessing. So rather than let your insecurities run the show, start exploring some new activities. Don't share them with her because she will either horn in or make fun of your new-found interests. Even if it's hiking or cake-decorating, have something that you are good at that doesn't involve her.

I think your relationship is stagnating. You are both growing up. It's okay to set the friendship aside for awhile. Maybe you'll come back to it later, maybe you won't. Friendships happen in seasons of your life. You don't need a showdown with her. Just start developing some new interests and new friends will follow.

 

[mousemomof3]

I got up this morning and read all of your post. Thank you for the kind, caring words. I have known for a long time what you guys have said...I guess I was in denial. We have been friends for 10 years now and I guess I continued the freindship because 'it was the thing to do'. I realized how much I put up with the other day when my sister told me that she could not believe what --- (BF) did to me; I honestly had to reply which time are you talking about? So with that and your advice, I know what I need to do. It upsets me at myself that I let someone treat me like that-I am a confident person (not overly confident), I don't let petty stuff bother me, I have lots of friends and above all of that, I should know better...Anyway, I do want to add that I have been venting but my 'friend' does have good qualities. Sometimes she can be so kind to people and I wonder where it came from; other times she is equally rude and inconsiderate. I am not going to keep going on & on like before...I just wanted to thank you for your replies, each one had truth to it.

 

[Pongo69]

Ok...I need advice. I have a 'best' friend (I am 26, she is 25) who treats me horrible. Not to sound like we are children, she is a RN, I am in Graduate school..both mature adults. The problem is that she always has to be 'one up' on me. She constantly has to make sure that she is better, has better things and is in general a better person. Since I am in school, I am broke...not a lot of $$ for extras (saving for DW vacation...but that is only after going months of not spending $$, plus free dining). She has a good job and lives rent-free so she is able to afford lots of extra luxaries. She constantly brags about what she has and how many times they go to DW (about 4 per year) and how 'little' her paycheck is (it is not really little, she jsut likes to brag about it and it would be incrediably rude to say how 'much' it is) and how it does not matter what it is because she has so much $$ anyway. She is a pediatric/nursery nurse and found a part-time job as a nanny (hints the free rent) for triplets and so she is always taking about the family that she lives with and how much money they have and all of the trips that her and her sister (who is also a nanny for them) are able to go on. She does not like it one little bit that I am in graduate school because it means that I will eventually make the same or more $$ than her and she always tells me how she would not go back to school and a graduate degree means nothing (she has associates). I could go on for days and I have already said enough...but I wanted to say that despite all of that, I try so hard to win her 'approval'. We are the same size, have the same taste in clothes and have had a lot of the same life experiences....that being said, she does hurt my feelings and I think that she is fully aware and does it on purpose...but she is just subtle enough so she can deny it. Oh don't get me started on how her mother thinks that she does no wrong and has got her to thinking that way also....Anyway, why do I care about how she treats me and why do I let her hurt my feelings?

Oh, by they way, I am not a mom...I am using a friend's name to post b/c she gets on the boards and my name is easy to associate with me.

Been there, done that.

I'd drop her like a bad habit, because she's definitely NOT a Friend to you.

Another thing, you should care, because 1..your feelings are just as important as hers, and 2..Why do you want someone as a "friend" who obviously has a knife in your back 24/7

That said, I think alot of people throw the word "FRIEND" around loosely without really getting to know if that person is really a TRUE FRIEND, or not.
I don't care how nice you may think a person is, everyone is not your friend.

Out of all the people I know irl...I consider all but 3 to be associates. The 3 out of all the associates I know are considered true friends.

 

[Microcell]

I would get rid of her.

Wow! Dan tell us how you really feel, but I fully agree. She seems insecure if she has to try to be better thn you all the time. She must think she is not as good as you and is compensating!

 

[experiment626mom]

Why do you call this person your friend? I would drop her like a hot potato

 

[Kallison]

I would get rid of her.

Listen to Dan, he has years of experience. You'll find as you get older, friends come and go and the ones who are too much effort should definitely go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I thought an associates degree could only get you an LPN position. I have several close friends that are RN's, and they all needed a bachelor's degree to get those letters after their names.

Nope. You can be an RN with an Associates degree. You just can't get a Masters. You would need your BS first. In fact alot of nurses have just an Associates.