Why do grandparents play favorites? Do you put up with it?

[nuttylawprofessor]

My extended family is LARGE... think Duggar-lite. I'm the youngest in my generation, and I've watched various aunts and uncles play favorites with their grandchildren. I've even heard aunts and uncles talk openly admit that they have favorites among their grandchildren, and they've even told the kids as much. It's always been shocking and appalling to me.

Now I'm living it.

My in-laws are working towards the whole favorites thing. My older child received a Transformer, chocolate rabbit, and bag of tootsie rolls for Easter. My baby received a stuffed duck labeled "for decorative purposes only, NOT A TOY, do not give to child."

Do you call them on it?

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Call them what? Insensitive? Irresponsible? Uncaring? Unloving? Biased?

I've seen it in my own family. No, I wouldn't call them on it. If the child questioned anything, I would simply explain that I had no answers, and that perhaps they should ask the grandparent.

Or, if it were severe enough, I would remove the child from the situation and privately explain that no further contact would be allowed until XXXXXXX (whatever the offending behavior was) was no longer a threat to the child.

Tough stuff. Good luck to you.

 

[Ohiodislover]

My husband's mother most definitely plays favorites. We have always lived farther away, and she doesn't see my girls as much as her other grandchildren. I try to blame it on that, but it's hard when we visit her and my girls notice and wonder why Grandma doesn't have pics of them, but at least 12-15 of the others.

She has no interest in what they do in school, or after school. When my oldest was inducted into honor society, her remarks were--"Oh I guess you are smart" Her only grandson plays football for Michigan State, so EVERYTHING is about him. My 10 Y.O. was so sick of it last trip, she got up and left the room. She was crying in the living room, because her Grandma wouldn't talk, or listen about her science fair, and getting an honorable mention- Gma changed the subject to something about her grandson. A little later- I went to check on her- Sophie's comment was "I bet Aaron poops golden Easter eggs too"

DH refuses to call her on it, or even bring it up. Drives me bonkers sometimes. He notices it but makes excuses for it ALL the time. He does wonder why my girls want to call my side of the family when they have something to report.

When my girls were younger, I made excuses to them to spare their feelings. I still do to a point, but they are smart, and see it for themselves now. Too bad for my MIL is my opinion now. She is missing a relationship with 2 pretty amazing kids.

 

[powellrj]

My grandparents had favorites and I wasn't theirs, so I know what it feels like.

My In Laws kind of had favorites, but to be honest, they never really liked ANY of the grand kids.

My mom favors my middle DS because he looks like her side of the family. My DD is the one that pays the price for that. I have called her on it and she plays the victim, how dare I say that to her, she has to watch out for my DS because we don't like him as much as she does, he is so wonderful why don't we see it..... you get the picture.

DD is 12 and we have talked about it before. She knows I wasn't my grandparents favorite and we have talked about how you can't change people, but you can change the way you react to them. She keeps her distance and they are the ones that are missing out on a great kid.

Its hard not to be the favorite, but its another life isn't fair moment. What is funny is my mom saw how hard it was on me not being a favorite, but she has turned around and done the same thing.

 

[NHdisneylover]

How old is your baby? If he is very young maybe your in-laws just didn't get much for him thinking he is too young to care or notice (and maye they are older and did not htink about any stuffed animal not being a toy--even if labeled as such).

Then again they could be playing favourites. My father in law does not have a favourite--he jsut has one one five grandkids he doesn't like. My son My son is not "boy" enough for him (DS dances, doesn't care for sports, etc.) and in the past couple of years (as DFiL has seen that DS 10 is not outgrowing this) DFiL has been systematically leaving DS out. It started very obvioulsy last summer. A family friend who owns a houseboat invited my in-laws to come on a week long trip and bring the grandkids (friend was bringing his 3 grandkids as well). When we first heard about it the in-laws told us hte boat would be at maximum legal capacity when only 4 of the grandkids came and would it be okay if DD went but not DS and it was only because of the size of the boat and they would make it up to DS with some very fun things and htat if they get invited back again another grandkid would be left out, etc. I thought it might be good for DS to skip it anyway because he is bullieed by his cousin who is only a few weeks older but much bigger. So, we explained to DS (what we thought was true) about the boat capacity and airline tickets wer ebougth for DD, DS was signed up for summer camp for the same week and I thoguht it was good. THEN, DSiL and DBiL ended up with extra vacation time and going on the boat (how--it was full remember?). In the end it came out that there was plenty of space on the boat but DS was not invited becuase DFiL was embarrassed by his "girlie" grandson DD was invited because the family friend had specifically invited everyoen because he wanted DD along (she met his granddaughter on a Disney cruise in 2007 and thye have been pen pals ever since) to entertain the lone girl among his grandchildren (DH and I were livid). Since then DH and I have noticed more nad more ways in which DFiL trats our son differently from the others. It is a TOUGH balancing act trying to protect our son from this awefulness but not severe all ties (not fair to DD12 who is very close to her grandparents). I will say that "calling them out" doesn't really seem to help. It just makes FiL defensive and more likely to do things in the future.

 

[TiggerD]

I am a grandparent of two wonderful boys. I have never played favorites because I believe in treating them equally with a lot of love and attention. It is sad when grandparents and even parents favor one child over another, and I, for one, could never understand it. I do know what it feels like to be favored or not favored, my mom did it to me, favoring my brother over me, and I vowed when I became a parent it would never happen to my children, and I have kept my vow to myself and treated my children equally and have passed that on to my children and now grandchildren.

My mom, still to this day cannot understand how we as a family can spend so much time together. We go on vacations, get together just because we want to, and my husband and I enjoy our children and grandchildren.

In todays world, family is and always will be the most important and it is too bad some grandparents and parents do not get the enjoyment of watching and loving theirs.

 

[Sleepy]

Grandparents who show favoritism can be controlled. Be firm and say no, my children are equals! Either they get fair shares of everything or they get nothing.

I truly hate when parents show favoritism. It makes me ill to think about it, because a child can't speak up and say "This is not right". At least when this crap is still happening well into adulthood, the non-favored ones can call the parents on it.

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, I also wondered if the slight to your youngest wasn't really intended to be, but merely a factor of age because of your description as a baby.

As far as the person w/ the "girlie" son the grandparents don't want to acknowledge -- that makes me ill. IMO what the grandparents are doing isn't any good for your daughter either. You say she is very close to them, but what is it doing to her relationship with her brother? These situations tend to stay with people for life. What's going on now is liable to set the stage for a lifetime of ******* between your two kids.

Several years ago we went through a patch w/ the in-laws where they tried to play favorites between our two DD's. I was annoyed & worried about what would happen to their relationship as they grew. DH was absolutely livid, because he recognized immediately that his parents were setting the stage for replaying the same script he grew up with -- being the younger, unfavored brother. He blasted his parents and said it stops now. MIL followed her usual practice of taking to her bed for days when she doesn't get her way. DH was told we would no longer be seeing them. Within a week or so MIL goes to an event involving the women in her family, tells them her woes. Ordinarily their family makes it a practice of circling the wagons and championing the side of their own. It came as quite a shock to MIL after telling everyone how mean we were to them that her niece (a grandmother herself) spoke up and read MIL the riot act, telling her in front of everyone that what they were doing was wrong and we were absolutely right to insist it stop. MIL made contact w/ DH within a few weeks and that issue hasn't cropped up again. I was lucky enough to get the backstory from DH's cousin, sister to the cousin who spoke up.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

It will not get any better. I speak from experience. My MIL has 21 grandchildren and everyone in the family knows who she likes best, including the kids. It is disheartening, but you learn to live with it. I figure the kids will all grow up fine without her outpouring of admiration and being showered with lavish gifts.

 

[Sleepy]

It is disheartening, but you learn to live with it. I figure the kids will all grow up fine without her outpouring of admiration and being showered with lavish gifts.

Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner!

 

[ols386]

ding ding ding. We have a winner!

ita

 

[Pooh Crew]

Nope. My mil says that when you have as many grandchildren as she does, none of them are special. Gotta love it.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My grandmother always had favorites -- one from each family. We always knew she had favorites and who they were, but that never affected the way she treated us. She was big on "if you give to one, you have to give to all" or if you had candy/treats "you'd better have enough for everyone or don't bring it out". She even had favorites among her great-grandchildren, but again, everyone got the same gifts/attention. She had favorites, but never played favorites, KWIM?

 

[Camicar]

Absolutely, I'd call them on it.

I would not put up with it.

My kids do not need to learn the 'life is unfair' lesson from their grandparents, for crying out loud. Life itself will teach that lesson quite nicely, thank you very much.

I am also not going to have my kids learn the other lesson -- that they were not worth enough for me to stand up for them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am a grandparent of two wonderful boys. I have never played favorites because I believe in treating them equally with a lot of love and attention. It is sad when grandparents and even parents favor one child over another, and I, for one, could never understand it. I do know what it feels like to be favored or not favored, my mom did it to me, favoring my brother over me, and I vowed when I became a parent it would never happen to my children, and I have kept my vow to myself and treated my children equally and have passed that on to my children and now grandchildren.

My mom, still to this day cannot understand how we as a family can spend so much time together. We go on vacations, get together just because we want to, and my husband and I enjoy our children and grandchildren.

In todays world, family is and always will be the most important and it is too bad some grandparents and parents do not get the enjoyment of watching and loving theirs.

You sound like an awesome grandmother

OP, I also wondered if the slight to your youngest wasn't really intended to be, but merely a factor of age because of your description as a baby.

As far as the person w/ the "girlie" son the grandparents don't want to acknowledge -- that makes me ill. IMO what the grandparents are doing isn't any good for your daughter either. You say she is very close to them, but what is it doing to her relationship with her brother? These situations tend to stay with people for life. What's going on now is liable to set the stage for a lifetime of ******* between your two kids.

Thanks. It makes me ill as well. Also, I have to clarify that "girlie" is my father in law's term which he used with DH's siblings (never admitted this to us directly--but all 3 siblings heard the same story and it does fit is views unfortuantely) not my word. Honestly we were very saddened that the nieces and nephews were sent on this trip when their parents knew about this. We would not have been a part of a trip which we knew was delibertly excluding one child for soemthing like this even if that child were not our own.

DD and DS are very close and DD does watch out for her brother. She was invited for a repeat trip to Lake Powell this year (now the excuse is that the otehr kids all foremd bonds on the trip so that is why the same kids are invited). Anyway, she got the email before I did (sent ot both of us at the same time--also not fair I think they should have asked the paresnts first as they have in the past). She didn't even ask me before responding that she had zero interest if her brotherwasn't invited. She is a good kid (both my kids are and I love them both to pieces just the way they are).
Anyway, their grandma is caught in the middle as she doesn't pull any of this junk herself but cannot always control what her husband does. SO, we now live not only half way across the coutnry from them as we once did, but across the Atlantic as well so we hardly see them anyway. We have "reolved" it at this point to being that we do not go "home" to visit where FiL can show favourites among the various grandkids and it his place so his rules. They can come here and we can travel together as a group of 6 and then our family of four is a unit and we all come as a package deal only. This way I let the kids still have their relationship with grandma, but grandpa cannot pull his very childish stunts with our son.

Anyway OP--work on finding whatever works for you to make things alright with your kids If you work at it you will come across something I hope.

 

[Sandy V.]

I am also not going to have my kids learn the other lesson -- that they were not worth enough for me to stand up for them.

That sums it up for me too.

My kids' grandparents always have treated them wonderfully (and equally), but if they hadn't it would have been a cause worth fighting for.

 

[pianogirl73]

You sound like an awesome grandmother



Thanks. It makes me ill as well. Also, I have to clarify that "girlie" is my father in law's term which he used with DH's siblings (never admitted this to us directly--but all 3 siblings heard the same story and it does fit is views unfortuantely) not my word. Honestly we were very saddened that the nieces and nephews were sent on this trip when their parents knew about this. We would not have been a part of a trip which we knew was delibertly excluding one child for soemthing like this even if that child were not our own.

DD and DS are very close and DD does watch out for her brother. She was invited for a repeat trip to Lake Powell this year (now the excuse is that the otehr kids all foremd bonds on the trip so that is why the same kids are invited). Anyway, she got the email before I did (sent ot both of us at the same time--also not fair I think they should have asked the paresnts first as they have in the past). She didn't even ask me before responding that she had zero interest if her brotherwasn't invited. She is a good kid (both my kids are and I love them both to pieces just the way they are).
Anyway, their grandma is caught in the middle as she doesn't pull any of this junk herself but cannot always control what her husband does. SO, we now live not only half way across the coutnry from them as we once did, but across the Atlantic as well so we hardly see them anyway. We have "reolved" it at this point to being that we do not go "home" to visit where FiL can show favourites among the various grandkids and it his place so his rules. They can come here and we can travel together as a group of 6 and then our family of four is a unit and we all come as a package deal only. This way I let the kids still have their relationship with grandma, but grandpa cannot pull his very childish stunts with our son.

Anyway OP--work on finding whatever works for you to make things alright with your kids If you work at it you will come across something I hope.

Way to go DD! What a great sister!

 

[Kimmumum]

I have talked about this on the boards before.

My DH is an only child so our 2 boys are all they are going to get. They haven't seen them in years. They LOVED our oldest and didn't like our youngest. They told us when the baby was 3 months old that our family was good until he came along??????? Anyway, they would do things with/for the oldest and not the youngest. WE told them that it was both or nothing. They made the decision not to see them

 

[cabanafrau]

My grandmother always had favorites -- one from each family. We always knew she had favorites and who they were, but that never affected the way she treated us. She was big on "if you give to one, you have to give to all" or if you had candy/treats "you'd better have enough for everyone or don't bring it out". She even had favorites among her great-grandchildren, but again, everyone got the same gifts/attention. She had favorites, but never played favorites, KWIM?

This sounds very reasonable to me. I can completely understand a situation where a grandparent treats all fairly, but may happen to have a special relationship w/ a certain grandchild or two because their personalities are particularly well-suited or perhaps a case of sharing a certain passion, maybe music, fishing, speed skating, what have you. If it doesn't spill into a situation where a kid is deliberately excluded or made to feel slighted, I see no reason why two people who share an interest in playing the violin can't enjoy spending time together sharing that hobby. Some people in life we just click with -- that's generally how we wind up with great friends.

NHdisneylover, I'm so glad to know your kids are smart enough not to let grandpa's idiocy come between them. As I have told my girls from the time they were small, someday when mom and dad are long gone, you two are going to be all you have from our immediate family. I pray always they will be close, loving and willing to be there for each other through thick and thin.

NH

 

[tigercat]

I am a grandmother and I tell my favourites all the time that they are my favourites. I tell my dd's and dsil's that their kids are my favourite and if you ask any of the grandkids they will tell you that they are one of the favourites. I have 3 favourite granddaughters and 1 grandson. They all know that they are the best. Of course I only have 3 granddaughters and 1 grandson..so all my grandkids are my favourite and I make sure they all know it.
tigercat