Why are people so hateful?

[ireland_nicole]

O.K., so this is probably a teensy bit ventish, sorry if I'm sounding indulgent, but really- why are people so mean and hateful? Even other moms? Uuggghh
So here's what happened today. We went to DS's taekwondo class. Because it's January, it's a bit more crowded than usual with a fair few new parents. I get there on time (yeah me! no small feat, either b/c I picked up the kids, got DS's hair cut, went for ice cream- i promised DD because her birthday was yesterday and this was what she wanted to do w/ just the 3 of us- then stopped at the chiropracter on the way to TKD. FWIW, the chiropracter and TKD are regular appts. So anyway, they're fine until after we get to TKD; they were vegging in the car to an American Girl movie, all is right with the world. DS goes into class, and I remind DD that it's time for homeword. She of course decides that she's had enough coping for one day and proceeds to throw the homework sheet. I remind her quietly that that's fine, but she has chosen to lose 2 smilies, the consequences for throwing, etc... things get quickly worse and I rapidly restrained her arms so that she wouldn't keep hitting and trying to bite me, and went to the closest "quiet space" the office next to the waiting room. There's no door on, but for some reason, she wasn't so much screaming this one as flailing a lot, kicking, that sort of thing. I sat on the floor and got her in a position where she couldn't hurt herself or me and wouldnt damage anything, and did what I could to settle things down. So this one mom keeps moving over and looking in; I see her out of the corner of my vision but I'm a little busy, so I just focus on Caitie. Then she says, I can watch your son if you want to go outside. I calmly (I still can't believe it, I'm so proud of me) said, Thanks, but I've got it. My Daughter has autism and we'll be fine in a minute. Then she says, Well, the thing is that your daughter is disturbing all of our children. They can hear her racket and they are getting distracted. I think you should leave. Somehow, I guess there were angels around holding my mouth shut, I managed to say, well, I need to be here for my son, and I won't be leaving; I'm sorry if you are bothered. She then looks at another new mom and grandma who were already making comments before I took Caitie in the office and shrugged at them and said, "I've done all I can, some people..." I just continued to chill my kid and after about another 10 minutes things were ok and we went and sat down again. There were two more attempts to elope, but I caught her pretty quickly and kept the peace until it was time to leave. Two funny things that did happen, were that my cell phone rang 4 times in 10 minutes (it normally doesn't ring more than once a day, if that- did I mention that my ringtone is a pretty loud nichole nordemann song?) and I couldn't get to it b/c I was in the next room, and after we went back in, the mom who was rude to me had to take her rather chatty toddler to the restroom and the mom behind me said, Di she say anything rude to you? I said yes, while trying not to cry (I'm such a wimp) and she asked what. I told her, and she was completely appalled and offered to talk to her. I said no, let it go, but I have to admit, this mom's compassion did mean a lot to me.

Anyway, looking back I think I handled things as well as I could have- please tell me if ya'll think I was wrong, I'll definitely listen to your opinions- just be nice please, I'm not sure how much I can take tonight. I just felt so hurt that she would try to dismiss my child, and angry that she would think it was ok to treat someone and their child that way, and sad for her that her ignorance was so great, and I admit, embarassed that my now 9 year old would act this way in public- again. I know it shouldn't bother me anymore, and I feel like a bad mom that I do, but there's still that moment of shame. Sorry, I'm rambling on, but I guess I just needed to tell somebody that would understand. I know in the grand scheme of things its really not a big deal at all, just one minor inconvenience, but there's just so much going on with metabolic testing, a surgery coming up, new meds, etc. that I guess my tolerance for stupidity is low. OK that probably was wrong, my tolerance for ignorance is low.

 

[mechurchlady]

Your child comes first and she would have reacted to mommy cussing out the mean lady . There are times I want to have a hissy fit but then mom would shut down on me and remind me for a week. They come first.

You should have let the other mom step in for you as that rude person needed a good lecture on the difference between a snotty spoiled brat and a kid who has mental and/or physical limitations. Calvin is finally barely seeing what I mean about mom being a pain in the rump but still it is not her fault that she was slapped around for being miswired and never got help. It takes education over and over again.

You were a great mommy and you handled it well. Kid comes first then deal with the rude lady if you want. Remember that the apple does not fall far from the tree. Your nonconfrontation is a sign of that. Someday she will run into someone like me who will educate her.

Now for lots of hugs and chocolates and putting you in a time out corner, maybe a nice spa in the Poconos would help you. If you cannot go there then dream a little dream. Do give yourself something to reward yourself as you did a great job and are the best mommy around.

 

[KirstenB]

The other mom was not only ignorant, but spoiled and self-absorbed. May she never have a special needs child. She couldn't handle him/her.

She's lucky you didn't put a shoe up her butt!! You sound like you handled the situation with more restraint than me.

 

[ireland_nicole]

LOL thanks; the spa in the poconos sounds wonderful, if impossible, but I'll have to try some chocolate and maybe a bath...mmmm... the funny thing is, I used to be very confrontational; I was a "master debater" in HS and college; they used to call me the pitbull, b/c I never let go once I got my teeth in until I won the fight. But, we moved overseas and in Ireland if I yelled or was confrontational they would litterally turn their back on my kid. So I learned diplomacy- which I admit, is a valuable skill. I guess I'm learning something from Dr. King and focusing on passive resistance. I was talking to DS about what Dr King did that was important, and I told him that He fought for everybody no matter who they were or what they looked like to be treated equal. He asked if he fought with a gun, and I said, no honey, he fought with words, powerful words. I want my words to be wise enough to educate but not so sharp as to wound and create defensiveness- at least most of the time; mind you, I'm a work in progress, and I've got a whole lotta work to do!

 

[peemagg]

You need to take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. You sure handled it better than I would.

At first I thought she was being nice by offering to watch your son so you could take your daughter to a quiet place and settle her. Not so, she was obviously just worried about herself.

 

[Val]

I worked in early childhood/early intervention programs for many years, then on adult locked mentally ill wards in state institutions (what horrible places)....I have restrained my fair share of kids and adults in public and private settings. It is NO fun..... AND I have 4 kids of my own. My DS-now13 once threw a tantrum in Epcot at China and SCREAMED and thrashed in our double stroller (with DD-now11 smiling blissfully) ALL THE WAY TO the Board Walk VILLAS! DD11 also has significant hearing loss (which brings it's own set of socially inappropriate situations such as talking to loud or interrupting!).

Know what I think about a mom who is dealing with a kid having a tantrum? I think, "Been there, done that, and thank you Lord that it is not me today!"- then I say a quick prayer that the tantrum will be short, sweet and the only one for that family that day.

You did nothing wrong......but if you want to be evil, just wish a tantrum upon THAT mom......like to she HER handle a complete meltdown in TKD!!!!!!

Bless you.....you need a warm bath, a nice stiff drink, and peace and quiet. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a calmer day for both you and your DD. Wish I had accomplished as much as you did- you go girl!

 

[livndisney]

No, you were not wrong. You were much nicer than I would have been. You were handling what you needed to. In my opinion the other mom had no right to say anything. She is not in charge of the class. If she did not like something-SHE could have left.

I too am a bit of a pitbull and tend to "take on" people who like to impose THEIR ideas into my family.

to you!

 

[kaffinito]

You showed remarkable restraint and maturity! I would had to have said something to the other mother. It is true that as parents of special needs children we have to deal with our fair share of rude uncompassionate people, but we can react to them with grace and dignity as you did in the face of their ignorance. I'm sure one of the parents that knows you will have a little "talk" with that mom and straighten her out.

Here is a big for you!

 

[Brer Shay]

You took care of your children the best that you possibly could in a difficult moment. You did what was necessary for your daughter while still trying to support your son. I don't doubt that you wished it hadn't happened at all though (we special need moms have all been in that place), but you handled it well. You absolutely showed AMAZING restraint and graciousness to the woman by not responding in kind to her rudeness.

NOT AT ALL CRITICIZING YOU - just giving a little bit of a flip side from my own experience. I've had to passively restrain my AS son in public - that's a lousy but necessary thing at times. Doesn't contribute to a positive day for either of us or for those who witness it. DS is also sound sensitive and has a strong sense of justice (what a surprise, right?). He has heard and seen others who have had to be passively restrained which in turn has caused him to meltdown. He's even been triggered by rowdy teenage yelling/banter at the park. Sounds distract and sometimes disturb him - and yes, I do try to limit those when, where and as politely as I can.

I doubt that woman has been in such a scenario or she likely would have responded differently. Just giving another perspective.

And good for you for keeping your schedule active and doing what needs to be done! You've obviously been a positive example to at least some of the others at the TKD class.

 

[Brer Shay]

Double post

 

[BeckyScott]

A few suggestions- if you don't mind- 'cause honestly if I were in that situation I wouldn't have controlled myself as well-

Talk to the head honcho at tkd and ask if you can put fliers on the front counter about autism. Explain what happened. I did that once in April and found that many of the parents picked them up and read them, as there isn't much else to do but sit and watch class. It sounds like some of the moms need a little lesson on tolerance. Is it an ATA school? They do those monthly themes, if the instructor is sympathetic you'd be surprised what they can work into a class, talking very loudly.

Not that it will change the minds of the truly ignorant, but it will send a message that the staff there supports you.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks Becky; those are good ideas. I spoke to the owner today, and they are saddened by what happened, but I told them I don't expect them to do anything, I just wanted them to be aware. But I bet they'd be amenable to the flyer idea. To be fair, they have always been wonderful, it was just these parents . But I like the flyer idea, I just have to figure out where to get them.
Thanks for the suggestion, it's a really good one.

 

[Schmeck]

The only thing I have to point out is that if your daughter's outburst was really distracting the students from their lesson for over ten minutes, it might have been more polite to move it outside. That's a lot of lesson missed (especially if it is one of those 50 minute classes) and everyone there is paying the same money for their child to take the class. It was not that woman's job to ask you to leave though. It would be up to the studio owner or director to ask you to go. The woman should have taken her concerns to the proper person, and then that person would decide what to do.

 

[McCall]

Schmeck,
I know it goes against the majority of the posters here but I agree with you. Things such as described can be very upsetting and distracting to other children and other people in general.
As you say each parent pays for the class and each parent has their child's best interest at heart.
I believe the women in question was making what seemed to her to be a reasonable request, suggesting they take it outside and offering to watch her son while she did so.
Now that may not be what the OP thought was best but she also was concerned with her child/children foremost and may not have really thought how it might affect the others there.
Since none of us was there it is hard to say since we are going on the account given only.
I am not finding fault with the OP but there are two sides to every story.

 

[merryweather20]

I have to agree with the above two posters. I doubt the mom was being hateful

She saw what was happening, offered help, told you why she had made the suggestion, then left you alone.

You don't know what position the Mom was in, or perhaps she was stepping up for another Mom. When I taught ballet many of my kids would be very distracted by what you described, including one child with Downs who would have spent the rest of the class in the corner. All she did was offer to help

 

[KPeveler]

i can understand that if possible it may be best to take a melting-down child out of the area of others, but sometimes that is not possible... the change in temperature between outside and inside, or the trying to restrain her and open a door, or the weather, or the fact the studio could have been on a street (and with a flight risk child that is EXTREMELY dangerous)... I am sure ireland_nicole knows her daughter and is doing the best she could with the situation...

i have mild sensory problems, and when i go all "sensory" i cannot handle sudden change in temperature or the feel of rain or the smell of traffic... and i have a very mild problem... i can only imagine what it is like when one fights that battle every moment of every day...

I think it would have been more polite after ireland said her daughter had autism to say "well, let me know if I can help." It was obvious a screaming child was disturbing the other children, otherwise she wouldnt have come over in the first place. I think announcing that fact was a little redundant and rude, but coming over to offer help was not rude...

I think it all depends on the situation. my first thought was that with her trying to run away a few times, being outside with moving vehicles is extremely dangerous...

 

[JohnnySharp2]

We have had similar situations where we haven't had comments from people but just 'stares'.

Joshua had a mini-meltdown just before Christmas and he started hitting my wife and just basically freaked out, we were just taking him for a walk into Toys R Us, he just wanted to stay in the car and watch his DDVD player.

After a few minutes he did settle down and I held his hand and took him into the store, he then calmed down and was 'ok' about the whole experience.

It is difficult - we just tried to block everything out , we knew people were looking at us. I know this is kind of different from your situation.
For me you did the right thing, concentrate on the well being of your child and tried to calm down the situation.
It's impossible to control the reaction of other people some time.

 

[Schmeck]

I noticed that two of the situations mentioned involved transitions from watching a DVD in a car - perhaps that is a root of a trigger of the response - turning off the DVD ahead of time (which might just trigger the response earlier, I know) or not using the DVD when a difficult transition is expected?

Confidentiality laws keep me from giving examples of how we have solved these issues at the school I work at, but making transitions less stressful is always one of our goals with every student.

 

[ireland_nicole]

i can understand that if possible it may be best to take a melting-down child out of the area of others, but sometimes that is not possible... the change in temperature between outside and inside, or the trying to restrain her and open a door, or the weather, or the fact the studio could have been on a street (and with a flight risk child that is EXTREMELY dangerous)... I am sure ireland_nicole knows her daughter and is doing the best she could with the situation...

i have mild sensory problems, and when i go all "sensory" i cannot handle sudden change in temperature or the feel of rain or the smell of traffic... and i have a very mild problem... i can only imagine what it is like when one fights that battle every moment of every day...

I think it would have been more polite after ireland said her daughter had autism to say "well, let me know if I can help." It was obvious a screaming child was disturbing the other children, otherwise she wouldnt have come over in the first place. I think announcing that fact was a little redundant and rude, but coming over to offer help was not rude...

I think it all depends on the situation. my first thought was that with her trying to run away a few times, being outside with moving vehicles is extremely dangerous...

Thanks; you are correct; the studio opens on to a very busy parking lot, close to a major street. Interestingly, she wasn't screaming; the only "noise" really was the kicking when her shoes hit the floor; it's always a juggling act, especially when there are med changes and multiple heath/safety issues. I really appreciate your support. I've been thinking a lot about it. While I respect that everyone has rights; that includes those with disabilities, like my children. Every day I'm learning just a little more how to effectively advocate for the rights of all people- especially those who can't speak for themselves, or those who will come after us. I have a dream, too where there is room in our society, in our stores and our schools, for those who look different or sound different or don't always act the way our society says they should. With 1/150 kids having autism now, that day will have to come soon, and I'm learning that I can't be embarrassed about how my child acts, because that's a part of who they are, and to deny their behaviour denies them, and their expression. While that's not an excuse for not working, not doing behavior mod and therapies, it is the truth. Perhaps part of this is about me, about learning to celebrate who my child is, how she thinks, why she reacts the way she does, what she's really trying to say and communicate, instead of always dealing with/struggling/modifying/adapting, etc. Like Bookwormde says, and I may be misqouting a bit, but I think he talks about autsim being a neurovariation instead of a disease/disorder model. Maybe I need to embrace that more. Because if I can't really appreciate my kids for who they are, how can I expect society to?

 

[mechurchlady]

Neurovariations experience the world differently. It is like being an American in Paris. Travel the world and you see many cultures and things that are strange. For those of us with neurovariations and miswired brains we are the Ameican in Instanbul, Thailand and Paris. Like we see "brown house" while the NT sees "casa moreno". Excuse me but like you put the adjectives first, hrmph.

Now some insight into the DVD. Here is how I would react to my parents dragging me from my comfy seat and DVD player.
NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR. It is not fair that you are taking away my DVD player. Never take stuff from me as that is not fair. I am not done with the movie. NOT FAIR NOT FAIR.

::cop: Did you really take that DVD player?
Yes, officer but we have to go do some shoppig.
::cop: You are very bad and UNFAIR people. Time to lock you up in the time out corner for being UNFAIR.
Bye, ooh, this movie is so much fun.

I send you hugs and chocolates and a cake with a file in it.
Right now the UNFAIR BUG has me cuss at a Jungle Gin robot in a gin game and I am not typing in the chat what I am think about how he is cheating and hording cards. Pss yeah he is a bot and that is how he is programmed lol but you know how the UNFAIR BUG is with my mind.