whos the party for anyways

[Kurby]

call me crazy but isn't a birthday party for the child not the parents?

my gf called me on the weekend and asked what i was doing for dd's 4th birthday in 2 weeks.

i told her that we are doing the same as we have for the past 3. coffee and cake for the grans, my aunt, and brothers (we don't speak to dh's bro and sis anymore)

no huge party, no 20 kids running around, no hundreds of dollars at mcdonnalds that's it.

when she's in grade 1 and has known her schoolmates for 2 years we would then invite maybe 5 kids.

she told me i "HAD" to have a party - that she's gonna remember we didn't and it scar her - WHAT???? i told her she was nuts - that first of all that's not how we are raising her to feel she only is worthy if we through her outrageously expensive parties and second we were not teaching her that "things and events" are what makes her a good person or someone others will want to be friends with. her personality, sense of humour and caring will do that all on their own - inviting 20 - 25 kids and parents to a party isn't going to make them want to be her friend.

i personally don't see the need to invite kids just for the sake of inviting kids or so she can say she had 25 kids at her party.

i'm not trying to outdo my neighbour, that girl down the street, that one in that class or whoever.

same friend had a party last weekend (we didn't attend) for her 1 year old granddaughter. rented a banquet hall, invited everyone on her facebook page just so her 1 year old could have a PARTY - really????? what is she going to do for her second year? or 3rd?

we've also been invited to kids parties from her preschool which we didn't attend because dd doesn't play with those kids - they only came together for lunch then separated into different classes and i felt like the parents were doing what my gf did -

if your child doesn't play with mine why invite her?

i know someone's going to say that you invite everyone so no one feels left out but i disagree - as an adult you aren't friends with everyone you work with and you don't go out to all their parties, pub nights whathave you so why do we do that to kids?

and - back to my gf - if the party is for the 1 year old why are you inviting all these adults on your facebook page???? i don't get that.

 

[Becky2005]

I guess it all depends on your point of view.

DH & I have this tiff all the time. He doesn't think the kids should get *any* party at all ever. He only had 1 birthday party growing up and can't even fathom why I think it's important for the kids to have a party.

I on the other hand, think the kids should get parties at least through grade school. Before Kindergarten, we only have the grandparents/aunts/uncles come over but once they enter Kindergarten it's only kids invited to parties (usually out of the house somewhere). I only do that until 5th grade. After that it's usually, just a few friends getting together for whatever. By about 3rd grade, it's no longer an "invite all the boys or all the girls".

Although, my DD has managed to squeak in a few extra big ones. High School Musical concert just happened to be coming around the year she turned 13 -- so I took her, 2 friends & their moms to the concert for her 13th because I knew that concert wouldn't ever come around again! Her 16th is coming up & we are still trying to figure that one out. Her 15th was spent in the hospital recovering from surgery -- she literally doesn't remember it at all.

My youngests birthday is in October. We will be inviting all the boys from the Kindergarten class because we haven't even been in school long enough to just pick & choose a couple kids. We are probably going to have his late anyway due to when the school directory comes out so I can mail the invitations. The place we are having it has a maximum of 12 kids. I've had the other 3 had their first friend/Kindergarten birthday there, so it's a tradition for me anyway.

My best friend grew up with always having tons of family come over for her birthday when we were teenagers we thought it was hilarious that it was her birthday and her parents basically had the get-together. Her & I would be doing our thing while her parents played cards, whatever. My family didn't even *have* parties for me by the time I was a teen. Neither one of us was scared from such things & just accepted it as our families doing it differently. Now, every year I'm invited over to her kid's birthday parties because she holds them the same as her parents did. They are always a big cook-out with her family/friends and the birthday child has a friend or 2 over with them. I don't invite her to my kid's birthdays because we don't do the same kind of parties. Neither one of us think twice about it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I had family parties as a young child (or at elast that's what the family pictures show...I have no recollection,as I was a young child). Once in grammar school (grade 1-4) I had the typical child's "2 hour long, run around the yard, play pin the tail on the donkey, eat cake and open presents" party for probably no more than 8-10 friends. Amazingly enough parents back then didn't seem to feel the need to invite all 30 kids in my class, and, to the best of my knowledge, none of us became serial killers because of it. I am quite sure there were parties I did not get invitee to in grammar school because the honoree wasn't among my "closest" group of friends. I have no memory of being permanently scarred by it. My mother's explanation was usually something very practical such as "Well, Patty, you are not one of Susie's closest friends. Why would you think you should get invited?" or "You are not going to get invited to every party. Mary's parents probably have a budget they have to stick to and can probably only have so many kids at her party".

Somewhere along the way, we got the idea that a kid's party (for whatever reason) has to be a huge event. I'm not sure why we got that idea...probably so that the parents could "prove" how wonderful they are based on the size of the party, or maybe they feel the need to keep up with the others in their social circle (or desired social circle).

OP, the size of the party does not equate to the amount of love. I think you're on the right track.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Well with my DS's we got burned out on the whole invite 20 kids over for cake and games really quick. Actually what happened with my older DS is that we would invite several of his school / neigborhood kids out for pizza, games and cake and only about 2 or 3 would show up. After a couple of years of that we decided to just do birthdays with the cousins and grandparents. We usually go out for pizza, have cake and let them open their presents. I told the younger DS that he could invite some friends over and we'd go bowling or do something that he wanted but he prefers just having family.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I do close friends for preschool (in our home), the whole class in kindy and first (or all one sex), and then they get to pick kids (usually about 20), and they get smaller and smaller. I have the parties out, because our house is to small, and to be honest, it's just easier to show up and write a check! I guess it's the norm here, so it certainly isn't keeping up with the Jones - if you want your party to be special, you have it in your house - that's what the kids like the most!

If you want a big party, go for it. If you want something small and simple, go for it.

 

[clarabelle]

i know someone's going to say that you invite everyone so no one feels left out but i disagree - as an adult you aren't friends with everyone you work with and you don't go out to all their parties, pub nights whathave you so why do we do that to kids?

.

Because kids aren't always savy enough to NOT go around talking about the party in front of the other kids. Or you mail out the invites -or invite just kids of the same sex.
I think some kind of precautions should be taken not to hurt the other children's feelings.

 

[HM]

My kids started having parties once they had friends (age 4). We invited 6-10 kids over to our house for games, cake and ice cream every year after that.

When they got a bit older, we added going to the pool (both have summer b-days) into the mix. They are now 14 and 16. They still invite friends over for their birthdays at our house. This year DS played video games all night with 7 buddies. DD took friends to a movie and then a sleepover.

I never had their birthday party at another venue (that I'd have to pay for). I never spent a fortune on a party, the kids loved hosting their friends and celebrating their day every single year.

I think you and your friend are on both ends of extremes. No party vs huge blowout. I think you could move to a more middle ground.

 

[monkeybug]

I'm sure my opinion is going to be unpopular, but oh well. For my kids, when they are little, their parties are big, and themed, and yes, mostly for my benefit. They have fun, but let's face it, when they are little they would have just as much fun with a cake at Grandmas. I loooove planning parties, love all the little tiny details, love the excuse to make a big fancy cake, and my kids parties one of the only opportunity I get. Now that my daughter is in school, and has her own opinions I let her decide what she wants. This year she wants to go somewhere (American Girl store) instead of a party, so that's what we are doing. I say while they are little, do what makes you happy, because they are going to be happy with what ever you do. And of course your child won't be scarred by having a small family celebration!!!

 

[mom2travel]

We are all about the kids here. That said, we have thrown a few birthday parties that have had way too many attendees. But it was consistent with child's personaility. When DS was little he was friendly with everyone - kids at preschool and on the block. We'd invite the whole class (like 12 kids in PS) plus the neighbors (including siblings). DS loved the energy of crowds and running around with lots of kids - the more the merrier! Note, that he had active parties - a couple at indoor soccer rinks, a pool party, etc. I'd say we had 15-30 kids from ages 4 to 9. After that was just a few friends to go out to dinner or have pizza at home, or to a movie.

DD on the other hand, always liked "quieter" parties, so we rarely invited boys or too many people (too crazy/running around for her). I think when she turned 5 we had about 10-12 and that was the biggest (gymnastics and half of that was from school the rest good friends/family). When she turned 9 she invited 9 girls for a sleepover. She has tons of friends - both "friendly with" and friends to play with, but already is able to differentiate casual friends from those who are the ones she would like to celebrate with.

Neither of my children has ever been upset by not being invited to someone's party. I guess because of how we handle theirs

 

[zachnsamsmommy]

Well with my DS's we got burned out on the whole invite 20 kids over for cake and games really quick. Actually what happened with my older DS is that we would invite several of his school / neigborhood kids out for pizza, games and cake and only about 2 or 3 would show up. After a couple of years of that we decided to just do birthdays with the cousins and grandparents. We usually go out for pizza, have cake and let them open their presents. I told the younger DS that he could invite some friends over and we'd go bowling or do something that he wanted but he prefers just having family.

Yeah, we got burned out on the big parties as well. I have lots of good friends that we were all pg together, so even the 1st bday party had lots of kids. By the time he was 6, he was over the big blowout parties. Numbers 7 and 8 were at home, with family only. Then on the weekend his best friend came over for cake and a movie (actually laser tag this last time).

DS2 is only 2, and very timid. All his parties will be familly only until HE is ready for kids to be included.

I think there is no 'wrong' for a kid party, it is just what your family is comfortable with.

 

[monkeybug]

Because kids aren't always savy enough to NOT go around talking about the party in front of the other kids. Or you mail out the invites -or invite just kids of the same sex.
I think some kind of precautions should be taken not to hurt the other children's feelings.

I agree! My daughter knows the rule is that you invite everyone, or you invite no one. The school has a rule that the invites can not be given out at school unless everyone is invited, but even with mailing them out to a select few, what happens when the kids start talking about how much fun they had and someone realizes they were left out? In our house we don't leave anyone out. When my daughter complains, I remind her how bad she feels when she gets left out and tell her we don't want to be responsible for making someone else feel that way. I know that's not for everyone, but it's what works for us.

 

[scouthawkk]

Up until DS turned 5, we did only family get togethers. I will admit, those were mainly for us, the parents. We do it to celebrate him, and us, surviving another year.

He had been invited to a couple of preschool birthday parties, which I thought was strange. But he was friends with them, and played with them every day, so we took him to the parties. But if he had not been friends with them, he would not have gone. And same goes for now, if he isn't really friends with the people inviting him to their parties, we politely decline the invitation.

For his 5th birthday, we invited all the kids in his kindergarten class, boys and girls. It was at the beginning of the school year, and he hadn't made enough friends to know who he wanted to invite. For his 6th birthday, we invited all the boys in his class. This year, for his 7th, he got to invite 10 friends. Some were from his class, some from the other 2nd grade class, and some yet from his before/after care.

The party with the kids are for him. I plan out some events/games/crafts for a little structure. The rest of the time they run around in the backyard playing on the playset and all that (thank goodness for good weather). These parties are always at home so we aren't spending a fortune outside the house. I don't mind the clean-up at all.

We also still do the family party/get together every year. Usually the same night of the kid party. Again, that is for us, the parents, to celebrate that we all survived another year. DS and one of my sisters in law (12 years old now) usually spend the evening in the play room or outside or playing video games while the adults (including the 15 year old sister in law) talk or whatever. The family get together is for the adults, and not him. Yes, he does get a couple of presents from the grandparents, and we sing happy birthday to him, but the rest of the night he is doing his own thing. And he's fine with that, because he had "his" party earlier in the day.

 

[aristocatz]

I don't have children yet, but I have seen this debate with many of my friends who have young children. I can see many views on this.

I have one friend who just celebrated her daughter's first birthday. They are well aware that their 1 year old does not yet have friendships or understand the concept of a birthday party. Nevertheless, they rented out a picnic area of their local park and invited their close friends and family-mostly adults, a few little ones. This was really just to have a nice get together to join them in celebrating their baby. It was a very fun & relaxed day and mostly viewed as a family/friend get together.

I have another friend who just celebrated their don's 4th birthday. They invited a few close family members and & some neighborhood kids who the child currently has play dates with.

Another friend celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. I think this child is in kindergarten. The parents invited the entire class. They said they didn't want any of the school friends to feel left out, but they also thought it would be a great opportunity to meet the other parents to start developing relationships with the parents who would be raising their children together for the next 12 years! The parents were obviously encouraged to attend the party.

I think it all comes down to personal preference. Yes, at a young age, it often isn't only about the child. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate with family and friends & nothing wrong with wanting to get to know other parents and kids.

 

[mom2travel]

I'm sure my opinion is going to be unpopular, but oh well. For my kids, when they are little, their parties are big, and themed, and yes, mostly for my benefit. They have fun, but let's face it, when they are little they would have just as much fun with a cake at Grandmas. I loooove planning parties, love all the little tiny details, love the excuse to make a big fancy cake, and my kids parties one of the only opportunity I get. Now that my daughter is in school, and has her own opinions I let her decide what she wants. This year she wants to go somewhere (American Girl store) instead of a party, so that's what we are doing. I say while they are little, do what makes you happy, because they are going to be happy with what ever you do. And of course your child won't be scarred by having a small family celebration!!!

But you didn't throw the parties for the wrong reasons - to show off/keep up with the neighbors - rather because you love it and as you said, the kids had a blast too So that is great, imo

 

[monkeybug]

But you didn't throw the parties for the wrong reasons - to show off/keep up with the neighbors - rather because you love it and as you said, the kids had a blast too So that is great, imo

Thanks!!
I have to say too that while I do have elaborate parties I'm not talking about renting venues, or jumpy houses and ponys or anything (not that I think there is anything wrong with that!). I just go overboard on the details.
For my daughters second birthday I had a cookie decorating party. (what toddler doesn't want to pile frosting on a cookie with a popsicle stick?) I made aprons and chef hats and appliqued the kids names on them. I sent them all home with bakery boxes full of the cookies they had decorated and tied them up with a cookie cutter that was the first letter of their first name. I spent weeks making invites, decorations, snacks and the cake...for a 2 year old!!! Of course she has no recollection of any of it, but looking at the pictures of all the little kids with frosting smiles in their little aprons and hats makes ME happy!!! It also makes my husband happy when I actually use some of those crafty things I have hoarded all over my house

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My sister and mother do not understand my lack of desire for huge blowout parties. I get enough of them putting up with their stuff.

My dd turned 13 last week. My mom came over, we went out to dinner.

Saturday she had 2 friends over and they hung out.

Normally I would have had a "family party" but with the flu going around my family we opted out.

 

[Kurby]

I think you and your friend are on both ends of extremes. No party vs huge blowout. I think you could move to a more middle ground.

i'm not saying no party - just not this year - she's only 4 and just started school last week so hasn't really made friends - she still doesn't know most of their names yet

i'm saying grade 1 for the start of small parties just for now family at home.

 

[pweyl36]

For my kids its out to dinner then their gift,to my kids its all about their present they could care less about a party. My sister thought I was mean and asked my daughter if she would like a party? My DD said no I want to go out and eat crabs. She has been saying this all yr, all she wants is
a game for her DS lite and to go to all you can eat crabs. All 3 of my kids are easy,I had the same problem as some of you have said about spending money on a big party to only have 2 or 3 kids show,after that I said no more.

 

[allison443]

i told her she was nuts - that first of all that's not how we are raising her to feel she only is worthy if we through her outrageously expensive parties and second we were not teaching her that "things and events" are what makes her a good person or someone others will want to be friends with. her personality, sense of humour and caring will do that all on their own - inviting 20 - 25 kids and parents to a party isn't going to make them want to be her friend.

Wow, when I had big parties for my kids I thought I was just doing it for them to have fun... not to teach her these things that you say

 

[allison443]

OP of course you should do whatever you want for your dd's birthday! Some people like your friend will try to make you feel your dd is deprived, etc. but of course that is not true. Every kid/family has a different dynamic, not just for birthdays but for a lot of issues. As you can see on this thread, there are many ways people choose to celebrate birthdays-from small family parties, to big blowouts, to disney trips! There is nothing wrong with each family choosing to celebrate how they see fit.