whos the party for anyways

[disykat]

OP - I think you're absolutely right. Prior to school age (and sometimes even for the older kids) the party is more about what the parents want. You can make the birthday party nice - the way YOU want it. Your friend was insisting you were scarring your child, she deserved your comeback!

I do distinctly remember that when one of my sons was about 4 1/2 he started planning his 5th birthday party. It became important to him and he wanted a say! Prior to that he was just happy to get cake and gifts. My older son probably wouldn't have cared if he ever had a party.

 

[Disney Doll]

Because kids aren't always savy enough to NOT go around talking about the party in front of the other kids. Or you mail out the invites -or invite just kids of the same sex.
I think some kind of precautions should be taken not to hurt the other children's feelings.

But did anyone ever think that if the adults didn't make such a big deal out of not being invited and hurting someone's feelings, then maybe kids wouldn't give it a 2nd thought?

 

[luvsJack]

Speakig for the school/preschool prespective: In our center/preschool we had a rule, posted in our parents policies and procedures booklet, that only invitations that included all of the children in that age group could be sent out at the center. At dd's school the same rule applied in Kindergarten and 1st grade (it was limited to all the kids in that class). At that age most of the time the invitations are given to the kds by the parent or the teacher and its very obvious that they are being sent out. It really will cause hurt feelings if the kids see an invitation going out and they don't get one (the reason we made the rule in the first place.)

I have a niece that does the big blow out, themed to perfection parties. Stresses her out twice a year (2 kids) .

DD's first 5 birthday parties were pool parties. That way we could include all her cousins (lots of those) and her classmates from daycare/preschool. We didn't go to any great expence or trouble. Now she likes taking her 5-6 closest friends to a local waterpark. I sit in the shade with my feet up, dh grills hamburgers and hot dogs and the girls are under the very wonderful supervision of the fantastic life guards. Greatest party ever invented!! We include a sleep over with it, but they are so bushed from the day in the water, that it doesn't take long before I have sleeping girls all over my house!

 

[ccgirl]

Funny...I am going through this with my DD6 this year. She is in 1st grade. Although the rule is you have to invite the whole class if you bring invitations in, that gets expensive so most people mail them. There is only one class per grade in her school - 30 children to a class. So, she is going to be with the same children for 8 years. She does come home some days and say that so and so were talking about the bday party they attended this weekend and she didn't go to. I do not make a big deal of it; therefore, she does not make a big deal of it. I tell her that we don't invite everyone to her party so why should she be invited to everyone else's. It doesn't mean they don't like her, parties cost $$ and there is always a limit. She quickly gets over not being invited. This year, I am taking her, and her alone, to the Hannah Montana concert. We will have a small bday at our house for just the children she is "friends" with, not the entire class. There will be a 10 children limit. We are just going to do make your own pizza/sundaes. I picked up little pizza kits for each child and that will be their gift for attending the party. We usually have it outside of the house every other year. Quite frankly, it is much more convenient for me. I think parents are really starting to be overprotective of their children and hovering over them that children are not being raised in a "real world". Yes, you have to be nice to everyone but you do not have to be friends to everyone and invite all children to your bday party. I say that you should do whatever it is you feel is the right thing. Have fun and above all, make sure your child has fun.

 

[mom2travel]

But did anyone ever think that if the adults didn't make such a big deal out of not being invited and hurting someone's feelings, then maybe kids wouldn't give it a 2nd thought?

ita

 

[luvsJack]

When you see a little 4 or 5 year old crying because invitations were given out and she didn't get one, you will see that it is not always about hovering parents or parents making a big deal out of things. I have seen children get upset and the parents didn't even know anything about the invitations. When we made the rule in our center, it wasn't from parents complaining; it was because I refused to see another child with hurt feelings over something like that. It really does happen. We never told the parents they had to have bday parties to include all the kids, we just said they could not hand out invites unless one was given to every child; and thats the way I look at it with the school rules.

You have to look at it from a child's perspective other than your own. My child who is 11, for instance gets plenty of invitations during the school year. She goes to some and not to others. Doesn't bother her in the least if she knows someone is having a party she is not invited to. She only invites 6 girls to her own parties. But, she has a classmate that never gets any invites to any parties. How does it make that child feel when she sees invitations given out two or three times a month and she never gets one? Thats the child that rules like that are trying to protect. They can't protect them forever but at least she was included in the earlier grades.

 

[Arielle22]

At my last job, another employee's dd turned 12. Employee decided the appropriate way to celebrate was to rent a limo and take the girl out to some restaurant which also had a bar area where the employee wanted to hang out.A couple of other employees were invited but no other kinds

The employee had her dd when she was a teen and was trying to relieve the missed years. I always felt bad for the DD. Employee was always dressing provocatively and flirting with the men.

 

[JerseyJanice]

OP, do what you want to do and don't allow other people to impose their values on you by saying "you'll be scarring your child for life." That's ridiculous.

I would say birthdays for age 1, 2 and 3 are more for the parents. I threw big parties for my son on those birthdays because I enjoy party planning. I'm sure he wouldn't have known the difference if he didn't get them.

At age 4, he was in preschool where everyone invited everyone else in the class. Ditto in kindergarten, and it was a rule in both classes that if you wanted to hand out invitations at school, everyone in the class had to get one. I swear our weekends those years were taken up entirely by kiddie birthday parties.

By first grade, I would say we got invited to all of the boy's parties and a handful of the girls. By second grade, the parties were all boys or all girls. After then, the number of children we invited to our party dwindled down quite a bit, and likewise, we were invited to fewer of them.

 

[smiley]

FWIW Kirby, my son is almost 19 years old and has survived the trauma of not having birthday parties every single year of his life. He is a well adjusted person who recently entered his second successful year of college.

Children learn their self worth more through experiencing the ups and downs of their daily lives. Sure it is nice to hold a party with friends every two or three years but, only if the child wants the party. Some years my son said he just wanted to spend his time with family other years he wanted something more elaborate with a large group of friends. Both options should be experienced by children.

I think it's ridiculous that some parents feel the need to hold huge parties year after year for their children inviting everybody and their long lost cousins. We have some very good friends who still have parties every year for their children who are in their late twenties AND their son is married with a grandchild! 2009 was the first year we did not bring a gift for the birthday "boy." We gave him a card and said happy birthday.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ucfsweetie82]

I was born and raised in Florida..I had parties until I was about 8. After that I got the choice of have some family members over for cake and dinner and pick a friend and go to Disney for a few days or have a huge party. I never had a big party after that and would do it again in a second.