Whos side are you on?

[barkley]

i would be interested in knowing who told mom/adoptive dad-the adult child apparantly told noone of this communication so someone else took it upon themselves to 'stir the pot' (i'm guessing they knew it would cause angst because i highly doubt the kind of anger and resentment mom/adoptive dad feel towards bio dad is something that's been a highly guarded secret for decades).

i don't see the adult daughter as 'sneaky' for talking to another adult on the phone and not telling her mother who obviously harbours tremendous resentment towards this person. it appears when she was asked about it she was truthful and forthcoming.

i have family members who don't speak to one another-but i don't take sides. any are free to contact me but i don't want them venting to me about the ones they are estranged from (i've read the book, seen the movie and heard the 911 tapes ). to that end i don't automatically announce or e-mail proclaim to anyone else who i happen to speak to. it would serve no purpose than to futher ignite hostilities. their negativity (deserved or undeserved) towards one another is their issue. i would not deny if asked by someone if i had spoken to the other(s), but my private phone conversations and relationships with other adults are just that-private.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Why?
Why should she have a relationship with her bio dad? Why do we carry the assumption that because some one is able to father a child he get a free pass from responsibilty. Sure she can forgive him. I forgive a lot of people but that does not mean I want them in my life. Some people are toxic. Parenthood is a responsibility, if you screw it up IMO you forfeit the right to the benefits. The term "Dad" must be earned and running out on your family for 40 years doesn't give you the title of "Father" It makes you a sperm donor.

Now the end result of this will probably be, she has left bitter feelings with the people who really love her for a guy who probably won't stick around long enough for the fruitcake to get hard.

She has a relationship with her bio dad because she wants to why is nobodies busness than hers.

 

[barkley]

1) We're not talking about a various stranger off the street. We're talking about some one who caused a lot of pain for the entire family and yes my parents pretty much know about the various people (and I'm in 50's) in my life especially people who in the past have caused great pain to the entire family.

2) I'm not saying she hasn't the right to see anyone but why the behind the back stuff. She's 40, time for her to put on her adult bra and be honest. she kept it to herself for one reason. she didn't want to deal with the fallout. I have grown children and I don't expect every thing they do to pass with me but I do expect them to respect me enough to be honest especially if it involves my welfare. And omission is lying by default.

3) so what's he want then?

seems to me the mother's welfare could be precisely why the daughter chose not to make mention of it.

if her mother has such a venomous hatred towards this man that she would react to her adult dd's even speaking to him on the phone (don't see where they've ever met face to face as far as what the op has posted) in this manner what purpose would telling her mom he called serve? if her mom is diagnosed with her breast cancer such that the family is planning a 'last' family vacation, and i presume her to be approaching her 70's (assuming she had a child at 18, then when the child was 10 the father left, now it's 40 years later)-it would seem detrimental to her health to announce what may be an entirely benign 'relationship'. all we know is he called, they spoke by phone a few times over the course of a year and upon his mother's death he requested she me him at the funeral (don't even know if she went). so why get an elderly ill woman all upset over what might have been 3 or 4 phone conversations that consisted of as little as 'i have no desire to speak with you at this time' repeated over and over?

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

What a great Mom you have! How lucky you are to have her!!!

She is such a blessing.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

She has a relationship with her bio dad because she wants to why is nobodies busness than hers.

exactly. She wants a relationship of some sort. For whatever reason. You can't have too many people love you. What on earth would be wrong with that?

Everyone has the right to change, to regret, to make amends. Those are all the good things in life.

 

[wdwfan16]

Mom and Step-Dad have not right to be upset.

 

[barkley]

exactly. She wants a relationship of some sort. For whatever reason. You can't have too many people love you. What on earth would be wrong with that?

Everyone has the right to change, to regret, to make amends. Those are all the good things in life.

she may not even want a relationship, she may just be willing to not refuse his calls, to keep that means of contact open in the case that she does want to establish a relationship at a future date.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

she may not even want a relationship, she may just be willing to not refuse his calls, to keep that means of contact open in the case that she does want to establish a relationship at a future date.

true.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

in thinking, there are very few free passes in life. No one deserved grace, that is what grace is all about. The daughter wants the contact open. The mom and step dad have their own issues, obvioulsly. Step dad probably jumped the gun when mom got upset, and then it snowballed. I hope that everyone is able to get their relationships together.

 

[Planogirl]

You know, the daughter may not even be interested in a relationship. She may just simply want to talk and find out what happened. I don't think that the OP mentioned how old the lady was when her father left but she may have some things to work out too.

Yes, she needs to talk to her mother and step-father but they need to calm down and act like adults.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Why?
Why should she have a relationship with her bio dad? Why do we carry the assumption that because some one is able to father a child he get a free pass from responsibilty. Sure she can forgive him. I forgive a lot of people but that does not mean I want them in my life. Some people are toxic. Parenthood is a responsibility, if you screw it up IMO you forfeit the right to the benefits. The term "Dad" must be earned and running out on your family for 40 years doesn't give you the title of "Father" It makes you a sperm donor.

Now the end result of this will probably be, she has left bitter feelings with the people who really love her for a guy who probably won't stick around long enough for the fruitcake to get hard.

Why? Why would anyone else's opinion on the bio dad matter more than the daughter herself? (that includes mom, dad, and people reading about the situation on the internet). Just because you wouldn't want this person in your life, does not negate the daughter's feelings and if she wants contact with her bio dad, she doesn't need to explain her reasons to anyone.

Besides, there is no indication from the OP that the daughter is pursuing any kind of father/daughter relationship with this man. He contacted her. They spoke on the phone a few times over a year, then he asked her to come to his mother's funeral. That's all the info the OP gave, and I'd hardly call that having a "relationship" with him.

i would be interested in knowing who told mom/adoptive dad-the adult child apparantly told noone of this communication so someone else took it upon themselves to 'stir the pot' (i'm guessing they knew it would cause angst because i highly doubt the kind of anger and resentment mom/adoptive dad feel towards bio dad is something that's been a highly guarded secret for decades).

I was wondering about that as well.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Why should she have a relationship with her bio dad? Why do we carry the assumption that because some one is able to father a child he get a free pass from responsibilty. Sure she can forgive him. I forgive a lot of people but that does not mean I want them in my life. Some people are toxic. Parenthood is a responsibility, if you screw it up IMO you forfeit the right to the benefits. The term "Dad" must be earned and running out on your family for 40 years doesn't give you the title of "Father" It makes you a sperm donor.

Now the end result of this will probably be, she has left bitter feelings with the people who really love her for a guy who probably won't stick around long enough for the fruitcake to get hard.

She should have a relationship with him or anyone else because she wants to. It's her life. No one has said that because someone can father a child he can get a "free pass from responsibility." ??? Where is THAT coming from?? No one said the father had any RIGHT to be in her life, despite screwing up. No one said he believes he has a RIGHT to be in her life. He contacted her and she wants the contact, at least for now...two adults making a decision about their own relationship.

What does the fact that YOU have forgiven people but it doesn't mean that YOU want them in YOUR life have anything to do with anything???

1) We're not talking about a various stranger off the street. We're talking about some one who caused a lot of pain for the entire family and yes my parents pretty much know about the various people (and I'm in 50's) in my life especially people who in the past have caused great pain to the entire family.

2) I'm not saying she hasn't the right to see anyone but why the behind the back stuff. She's 40, time for her to put on her adult bra and be honest. she kept it to herself for one reason. she didn't want to deal with the fallout. I have grown children and I don't expect every thing they do to pass with me but I do expect them to respect me enough to be honest especially if it involves my welfare. And omission is lying by default.

3) so what's he want then?

1) So people in your life have caused great pains to your entire family (?) and they're still in your life? Confusing, considering your prior post.

2) I have to say...this is the first time in all my years on the DIS that I've seen the expression "put on her adult bra and be honest", and I'm not even sure what it means. But as far as the honesty...there have been numerous posts about reasons why AN ADULT WOMAN would choose to keep this to herself, including the obvious probability that the mother and step-father were going to freak out no matter what the timing. This drama just happened later than sooner by not telling them earlier. It's not about disrespecting her parents...it appears to me that this woman knew her mother and step-father weren't going to respect HER...AN ADULT WOMAN'S choice to have her own relationships.

I'm not even sure how this woman's relationship with her father affects her mother's welfare.

And how do you know your kids are being honest with you about all their relationships? Just sayin'.

3) What does he want? He contacted her, for whatever reason. She responded, for whatever reason. Again TWO ADULTS deciding what relationship they want.

 

[OceanAnnie]

wow........ nicely put

Thanks.

 

[Bluestars]

Why?
Why should she have a relationship with her bio dad?

Because she wants a relationship with him, that's why. She doesn't owe an explanation to anyone for that either. I get so tired of other people trying to put a guilt trip on someone so they will do things a certain way, or act the way they want them to act. People should let other people live their own lives and do what makes them happy. It's funny that when you do that, you end up with more love from them, not less.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Because she wants a relationship with him, that's why. She doesn't owe an explanation to anyone for that either. I get so tired of other people trying to put a guilt trip on someone so they will do things a certain way, or act the way they want them to act. People should let other people live their own lives and do what makes them happy. It's funny that when you do that, you end up with more love from them, not less.

Her dad lived his own life and sure it made HIM happy but look at the mess he left in his wake. I don't subscribe to the idea that anyone should do whatever they want to make them happy. A lot of people get hurt along the way when people act like they are the center of the universe.

 

[Bluestars]

Her dad lived his own life and sure it made HIM happy but look at the mess he left in his wake. I don't subscribe to the idea that anyone should do whatever they want to make them happy. A lot of people get hurt along the way when people act like they are the center of the universe.

The problem is we don't know the story. My own father left when my parents got divorced when I was 6. I didn't see him for over 10 years. Oh well, I got over it. It was a lousy thing to do and he isn't a good parent. But the best thing is that my mother didn't talk badly about him and they get along great now. Even my step father (who I consider my "real" dad) has a good relationship with him.

No, it doesn't make him father of the year. And frankly, I don't really care one way or the other about him. But I am so glad my mother didn't stay bitter all those years and didn't try to poison any relationship I may have wanted with him at a later time. She left it up to me and I love her for that.

 

[TwinsinCA]

The problem is we don't know the story.

That's true. But what story could possibly justify what that person did? Someone was out to kill him and in order to protect his family he had to leave without a trace? He was mentally ill? I can't think of much where hearing his side is going to change anything.

 

[Bluestars]

That's true. But what story could possibly justify what that person did? Someone was out to kill him and in order to protect his family he had to leave without a trace? He was mentally ill? I can't think of much where hearing his side is going to change anything.

Maybe he was like my ex and was an addict. During that time he actually did us a favor by moving away. I'm not saying it excuses the behavior or actions. All I am really saying is that forgiveness helps the forgiver and hatred poisons the hater. Maybe the daughter has to do this for her own peace.

I can see from the posts on this thread that many people disagree with this. We all have to do what we have to do in order to find peace in our own lives. Whether that means severing all contact with someone or letting them back into our lives, it's a personal choice and we all should be allowed to make it without interference.

 

[luvmy3]

Her dad lived his own life and sure it made HIM happy but look at the mess he left in his wake. I don't subscribe to the idea that anyone should do whatever they want to make them happy. A lot of people get hurt along the way when people act like they are the center of the universe.

My mother left and never looked back, she didn't want a family, she did want to be the center of the universe. Decades later she became ill and that changed her, maybe it was too late according to you, but not to me. There was nobody more hurt by her than me, and I have enough compassion in myself to listen and maybe even forgive her for her mistake. I don't expect people to understand, and I don't need anyones blessing, but I'll be darned if anyone is going to tell me I shouldn't forgive or pursue a relationship because of their own hang-ups about abandonment. I imagine the dd in the OP feels the same.

 

[Carly_Roach]

That's true. But what story could possibly justify what that person did? Someone was out to kill him and in order to protect his family he had to leave without a trace? He was mentally ill? I can't think of much where hearing his side is going to change anything.

I would imagine that, in your eyes, nothing can justify what someone has done once you've passed your judgment on them. It would seem that when you've made up your mind that someone is scum, that's the way it is until you and the other person leaves this earth. World without end, amen.

There is no room in your heart or mind to allow that the person who's been deemed as "scum" may have possibly grown and changed in 40 years. And it appears that there's no room in your heart for forgiveness. It seems there never will be. If I were your daughter, I'd probably not reveal my contact with the shunned one, either. Especially since it seems you place conditions on your love for people (my way or the highway).

It would also seem that someone else has taught the daughter about the incredible power of letting go of the past, of the bitterness, forgiving others no matter how much they hurt you and allowing for someone else's transgressions. Being able to do that removes so much of other people's power over your life because they can no longer guilt you into behaving the way they think you should behave.

I'm glad the daughter has learned of this power. It will keep her in good stead all of her life.

I don't expect people to understand, and I don't need anyones blessing, but I'll be darned if anyone is going to tell me I shouldn't forgive or pursue a relationship because of their own hang-ups about abandonment. I imagine the dd in the OP feels the same.

I absolutely agree.

I wish the OP would come back and let us know how it's going.