Who's Being Unreasonable?

[LuvOrlando]

Your husband is right, these are his kids so his feelings trump your families. Now it does stink that you and your children will be alone for some of the holiday but if I were you I wouldn't even dream of pressing it further. A happy family is all about compromise and if he feels strongly about not going then he really should be respected... at least I would respect my husband on something like this that involves our kids.

Anyway, do you realize you simply can't get a passport for young kids without the other parent's approval. I think my husband had to actually come to the Post Office with me when I got our kids their passports last year. I also think there are issues where you need his ok to take them out of the country even if they do have passports. The whole issue is very very serious.

PS- I genuinely would have a problem with my kids leaving the country without me, no matter who & no matter where, I would not be ok with it so I do think this alone could be the genuine problem.

 

[MushyMushy]

Your husband is right, these are his kids so his feelings trump your families. Now it does stink that you and your children will be alone for some of the holiday but if I were you I wouldn't even dream of pressing it further. A happy family is all about compromise and if he feels strongly about not going then he really should be respected... at least I would respect my husband on something like this that involves his kids.

Anyway, do you realize you simply can't get a passport for young kids without the other parent's approval. I think my husband had to actually come to the Post Office with me when I got our kids their passports last year. I also think there are issues where you need his ok to take them out of the country even if they do have passports. The whole issue is very very serious.

Really? I don't think it stinks for a mother to be with her children "alone" on Christmas day with her kids!

 

[HLAuburn]

Thank you to those of you who offered some helpful advice.

If you've never worked a nightshift before or had a family member that did, it's hard to appreciate just wanting to sleep, whether it's Xmas or not! I used to work nights, and DH has done shiftwork as long as we've been married, so I know what works for us. If he is off, he comes along with us, but of there are holidays when the kids are off school and he is working, we've gone out of town without him, so it's not like this is something new for us. It works for our family, and he has never had an issue with it, so I know that's not the deal now.

So back to the original issue about leaving the country...I think I'll suggest the passport to him. At least he would be able to get to the Bahamas quickly if he needed to.

Thanks again for the help

 

[claudia]

My family and I are thinking about going on a short, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas for Christmas. My husband has to work over the holiday, so he won't be able to go. But, when I told him what we were planning, he pretty much freaked out that I would even think about taking the kids "overseas" without him.

The kids will be 6 and 2 at the time. I will be with my parents and my sister, BIL, and their DD. It's not like I will be alone, and I know that technically we are leaving the country, but it's 2 days.

His concern is that if something happened to me or the kids, he wouldn't be able to get to us (his passport is expired). Obviously, he's a little overprotective, and I have to wonder if he thinks no one can watch his little angels like he can. He doesn't care if we go somewhere without him - he just wants it to be "in the country".

I really am trying to hear him out and respect what he has to say, but my family thinks he's insane. Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Thanks!

If that is truly his concern he has plenty of time to get the passport...

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, to be fair did she post all that after I posted. But regardless, I don't think I would go. But it's a personal preference of course and I'm sure everyone has different opinions of the situation so the OP should just do what she feels is right for her family.

Actually, she says it in the 3rd paragraph of the OP.

 

[HLAuburn]

Your husband is right, these are his kids so his feelings trump your families. Now it does stink that you and your children will be alone for some of the holiday but if I were you I wouldn't even dream of pressing it further. A happy family is all about compromise and if he feels strongly about not going then he really should be respected... at least I would respect my husband on something like this that involves our kids.

Anyway, do you realize you simply can't get a passport for young kids without the other parent's approval. I think my husband had to actually come to the Post Office with me when I got our kids their passports last year. I also think there are issues where you need his ok to take them out of the country even if they do have passports. The whole issue is very very serious.

PS- I genuinely would have a problem with my kids leaving the country without me, no matter who & no matter where, I would not be ok with it so I do think this alone could be the genuine problem.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Really? I don't think it stinks for a mother to be with her children "alone" on Christmas day with her kids!

I think you misunderstand, the OP obviously does not like the idea that she will be alone with her kids over the holiday which is kind of the whole point of the thread, or did I miss something? So for her the alternative to a cruise stinks, as in it's not preferred, as in she would rather be cruising if she can't be home with her DH.

 

[Hannathy]

But the OP said he doesn't mind if they go away, as long as they stay in the country. Not all guys would mind. If my DH had a job where he had to work over a holiday, and would only be home to sleep, he would encourage us to go away if we wanted (much easier to sleep).

I agree with this. If this is a true shut down at work so maintenance can be done my DH would prefer we weren't here! So much easier to get home and sleep a few hours and be off again. My DH would be gone at work for a couple days straight over a shut down so why would I and the kids sit home if we could go away.

I think it is the out of country so get a passport for him and go and enjoy. I mean his feelings don't trump hers either and all she is saying is he is worried about getting out of the country to get to them in a problem so solve that problem with a passport.

 

[MomRN]

I work 12 hour night shifts and I appreciate sleep. However, I would absolutely freak out if my husband suggested taking our son on any kind of vacation on Christmas that would deny me those couple of hours I do get to see him when I work back to back nights. I get ticked and a little depressed if he hasn't picked him up from daycare by the time I get up, or he lets him take a nap between those invaluable hours (for me it's 4pm-6pm).

I know you said this wasn't your husbands issue, but don't lump all shift workers into the same category. I appreciate sleep, but appreciate my child more. I have cut out sleep many times to go to a dr appt or on a field trip. You better believe I'd shave off an hour or two to celebrate with my family on Christmas. And I might have to... being a nurse, we have to work a certain amount of holidays and I may be scheduled for Christmas this year.

 

[DizBelle]

His concern about not being able to get to them should there be a problem is valid. However, that is easily remedied by renewing his passport.

He should renew his passport and they should go on the cruise.

 

[phorsenuf]

I'm very familiar with shift work and having a husband that is on call 24/7. All the more reason I wouldn't take my children away at Christmas. They get so little time to spend with the kids as it is. I would bet that even though your husband would just want to sleep, he would give some of that up at Christmas to enjoy with his family.

As for the whole passport thing, maybe it was just an excuse because he didn't want to tell you how he really felt.

But again, this is just my opinion.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Your husband is right, these are his kids so his feelings trump your families. Now it does stink that you and your children will be alone for some of the holiday but if I were you I wouldn't even dream of pressing it further. A happy family is all about compromise and if he feels strongly about not going then he really should be respected... at least I would respect my husband on something like this that involves our kids.

Anyway, do you realize you simply can't get a passport for young kids without the other parent's approval. I think my husband had to actually come to the Post Office with me when I got our kids their passports last year. I also think there are issues where you need his ok to take them out of the country even if they do have passports. The whole issue is very very serious.

PS- I genuinely would have a problem with my kids leaving the country without me, no matter who & no matter where, I would not be ok with it so I do think this alone could be the genuine problem.

I absolutely agree. If the situation were reversed and it was the father taking the children out of the country with his family and the mother didn't have an UTD passport, I believe the responses here would have been WAY different; something along the lines of, "I'd go all mama-bear on him and insists that he's not taking my children anywhere out of the country!!!" The double standard here is staggering.

Having said that, the OP can try to diffuse the situation by getting her DH's passport renewed. It shouldn't cost as much to renew as it did to acquire. If DH is still upset about taking the children out of the country, then the wife will need to calculate what she wants more: peace in her immediate family or the ability to go on vacation out of the country with her extended family.

Taking the children out of the country against their father's wishes will be seen as disregarding his feelings regardless of how "unreasonable" the mother thinks the father's feelings are. Telling him his feelings are "unreasonable" (and BTW, here are all the posts from my friends on my Disney BB telling you that you're being unreasonable), is a recipe for marital ******* at the least and eventual divorce at the most.

Choose wisely.

 

[Disney Doll]

I make no judgements about anyone's feelings about Christmas. To some folks, it's just not as important as it is to others, and Hallmark has convinced us all that at Christmas we have to sit around withour families smiling benevolently sipping hot chocolate. Well, that doesn't happen for every and so be it.

That being said, OP, here is my advice:

1. Ask your husband one more time if his upsetment is due to you all being gone on Christmas Day and him being home, just to make really sure.

2. Ask him if renewing his passport when you get yours and the kids would make him feel better about being able to get out to you if something happened.

3. Ask him if there is some other reason why he is so against this that he's not sharing with you for some reason.

Then discuss it from there.
But don't go in with the attitude that he's nuts or irrational. He's not. He has concerns and they need to be addressed.

 

[robinb]

As for the whole passport thing, maybe it was just an excuse because he didn't want to tell you how he really felt.

I agree. I think there is something else going on and the passport is an excuse. OP, I personally don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to keep the kids in the country . Yeah, it's just the Bahamas but that is obviously more than he is comfortable with.

 

[blanq]

Assuming that by "for Christmas" you actually mean you'll be gone on Christmas day.....

If I were the husband, I'd be pretty pissed that my wife was going on a vacation with the kids over Christmas. Granted, he cant get off work, but I still wouldnt be happy about it.

IMO, a big part of Christmas is being with family and having the kids be one place and their dad another (by choice) doesn't seem right. I'd be ok with them being gone after Christmas (saying leaving the 26th/27th) but not on Christmas day.

My thoughts too.

 

[Miz Diz]

I don't think what I would do or "So and so" would do really matters. It just depends on your family dynamics.

I would not take a cruise or go out of the country without my dh and he would not take one without me. I have taken my kids to the beach with my family and that is okay with him. My brother and his wife, on the other hand, vacation without each other all the time. Doesn't matter where.

We all have to pick and choose our fights. If my dh didn't want me taking my kids out of the country, I wouldn't, but again - my family is not your family. Maybe the passport suggestion will work for him.

Would you be okay with him taking the kids out of the country without you? (Rhetorical question - no need to answer here, but if your answer is no, I think you are being unreasonable.)

 

[punkin]

It really doesn't matter who is being unreasonable. Sometimes in a marriage one partner needs to back down if the other partner feels strongly enough about something, even if it is objectively unreasonable.

 

[HLAuburn]

I really do appreciate all the advice, but it amazes me how everything turns into a debate on here! I'm not sure I need to defend my choice about taking the kids away from home w/out DH on Christmas since that's not the issue, but FWIW, we were originally planning on going somewhere else ("in the country") and he had NO problem with that at all. It's when the cruise idea came up that he changed his tune. He's suggested Atlanta, Key West, the mountains...anywhere not "overseas"!

I am trying to respect his concerns (and ignore my family at the same time), and I don't plan on telling him "well, my message board people say...". He can get very worked up about things he feels strongly about, so I'm just trying to look at it as objectively as possible to see his side.

Thanks again for all the responses...you guys have been very helpful. (Well, most...)

 

[phorsenuf]

I really do appreciate all the advice, but it amazes me how everything turns into a debate on here! I'm not sure I need to defend my choice about taking the kids away from home w/out DH on Christmas since that's not the issue, but FWIW, we were originally planning on going somewhere else ("in the country") and he had NO problem with that at all. It's when the cruise idea came up that he changed his tune. He's suggested Atlanta, Key West, the mountains...anywhere not "overseas"!

I am trying to respect his concerns (and ignore my family at the same time), and I don't plan on telling him "well, my message board people say...". He can get very worked up about things he feels strongly about, so I'm just trying to look at it as objectively as possible to see his side.

Thanks again for all the responses...you guys have been very helpful. (Well, most...)

Just curious, have you ever cruised before?

 

[HLAuburn]

Just curious, have you ever cruised before?

Many times... a bunch of times as a kid, for our honeymoon, a few times before kids, and once when DD was 3.